Trigger Warning!
As soon as the relay ended, Haruka went home. He didn't wait for Makoto, or Nagisa, he didn't even say goodbye to them. They were used to it by now, of course, but that didn't stop their worrying. Especially after the day before, when Haruka shouted at Rin. It was so unlike him, and though he insisted that he was okay, nobody really believed him. How could they, after he admitted to not only not having a dream, but not having a future, as well.
Alone. That was what Haruka needed right now. Solitude, isolation, alone with his thoughts. He thought it was a good idea to be alone. His body, on the other hand, disagreed.
When Haruka arrived at his house, he paused, and looked at his house. It was average sized, brown stone, and with pale walls. There's an AC hanging on the rafters, and a fence surrounding his yard.
Stepping into the threshold, Haruka felt an odd pain in his gut, that he couldn't quite place, so he lumped it together with hunger, and went into the kitchen. He dropped his bag on the table, and began getting out ingredients for his favorite meal, mackerel. He began cutting vegetables, trying to focus only on the food in front of him, but his mind was elsewhere. The race yesterday, the scouts, Rin, his team, the guidance counselor, his principal, his parents, the pressure, the stress, the fear; Haruka's mind became clouded. He couldn't stop the thoughts from pushing and tugging at his mind, trying to break free and go throughout his body, causing a reaction. He tried to think of happier things. Swimming, but the pressure overlapped. Mackerel, but the confinement of his future came instead. Makoto and his team, but the feeling of letting everyone down came on top. Haruka put the knife down, and looked forward, his breathing hitched.
Letting out a shaky breath, Hauka readjusted his hands, forgetting about the knife's placement, and created a gash down the side of his left hand. Wincing, Haruka pulled his hand back. He looked at the blood dripping from his hand, the crimson liquid free from it's cage, now falling gracefully. He slowly moved his hand to the sink, and turned on the faucet, letting the water run over the cut. He watched the water mix with blood, swirling together, before falling hand in hand. To Haru, it looked beautiful. The freedom. Fall to a new path, unrestricted, going where it wants to, the way Haruka would never experience. Not now. Not when his future is still in front of him. Not while he's being forced to follow the dream he doesn't have.
The bleeding stopped, but that wasn't good enough for the brunette. He wanted - no - he need more. And one small, accidental cut would not be enough. Grabbing the knife, Hauka ran into the bathroom. His chest felt tight, and his muscles stiff. It was as if his body was over stuffed with blood, and he just needed a release of the pressure.
Hauka went to the tub. He turned on the faucet, and let lukewarm water fill up, but Haru wasn't ready to get in yet. He sat on the edge of the bathtub, knife in hand, discarding his swimsuit, and leaving it on the ground. He examined the blade quickly, before swiping it against his right thigh. He gasped, watching the blood trickle down his leg. He swiped again, and again, leaving behind gash after gash, cutting and cutting, losing count after thirty, but not stopping there. He moved onto his left leg and followed suit. Blood dripped onto the white tiled floor in puddles, now mixed with the water from the overflowing tub. The swirl of the colors were beautiful to Haruka. The clear mixing with red, the white from the tiles seeping through, creating a beautiful picture. Haruka needed more. He needed to free the overwhelming pressure from deep inside himself. His heart still felt heavy, the muscles twisted. Dizziness overcame Haru.
His thighs, now a bloody mess, had no visible spot for Hauka to cut anymore. The cuts were no longer enough. He threw the knife across the room, which hit the wall, then fell with a splash. Haruka fell to his knees. He gripped and pulled at his hair, tears poured from his eyes in large numbers, adding to the flood. Letting out loud sobs, Haruka no longer held back, forgetting what it was like to be stoic, and jaded. Haruka sobbed at each and every thought that slowly returned to his head, and the cutting lost its value. Team, pressure, friends, stress, dreams, future-no future, hopeless, endless pain, nothing for him, nowhere to go, no one to understand, lost, bound, confined, restricted, not free. It's alway been about free. Breaking free, swimming free, being free. He's never been free. He's found solace in water, but now, water just seems like another prison in Haruka's mind. Another reminder about his failure, another reminder of him hurting the ones closest to him-the only people in existence he cares about, another reminder of him letting those people down. He'll never be free. Not unless he pays the price.
Haruka steps into the bathtub, and rests his head on the ledge. His sight was fuzzy, his head was dizzy, his entire body ached inside and out. Haruka was ready to be free.
His breathing slowed down, yet at the same time, he couldn't catch a breath. He slid underwater, forcing all the remaining oxygen from his burning lungs. The water he's laying in was murky red, instead of it's once comforting clear blue. Unable to hold his breath, his body involuntarily pushed him back about water, it's last final fight to stay alive. Haruka opened his eyes. The sight in front of him was surrounded by darkness. It was everywhere, except for one spot, that showed a dull blue. The dolphin. That toy Haruka got years ago, when he and Makoto joined the swim club. Makoto. Haruka's best friend. Happy - go - lucky Makoto. Caring, and loving - an amazing human being - the reason why Hauka hasn't given up on humanity. He'll never see Makoto again. Makoto, however, will see him.
Using every ounce of strength he could muster, Haruka sat up enough, that he was able to reach over, and grab the toy. He held it close to his chest, and felt his heart tighten even more. His mind now forcing him to think new thoughts. Not of the stress and press, but of his best friend. The one who would smile so big at him, he had to close his eyes. The one who stayed by him through everything. The one who loved him unconditionally, whether it was platonic or not, Haruka felt happy around his friend. Now, he just felt the betrayal that he gave Makoto in return. He felt the heartbreak that he'll no undoubtedly bestow upon his friend.
Haruka looked to the side, and saw his friend beside him, smiling as always.
"Good Morning, Haru-chan." Makoto extended his hand to his friend. He knew he'd find him in the tub.
"I told you, drop the -chan." Haruka extended his hand, and grasped Makoto's. But then, Makoto vanished, and Haruka's hand fell into the water, for he no longer had the strength to hold it up.
"Ma-Makoto?" Haruka breathed out, in a panic. "Makoto, where'd you go? Makoto!" Haruka sunk lower into the water, and laid on his back. The dolphin floated away from his grasp. With small smile, Haruka closed his eyes.
"You see me, Makoto?" He thought, "I'm finally free."
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