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This story was written for Lishwish's Dumb, Cliche, and Ridiculous Challenge (Came 2nd :D)

The Day of Cliché : Revelations by bays1

Chapter One: Carlisle's Star Wars Cliche

Bella's POV

"He should be here by now, Alice!" My leg began to quiver uncontrollably and my hand flew up to my mouth again. Alice lunged across the room and snatched it away before I could start chomping on my nails.

"Bella! Calm down, all that sweating will ruin your makeup and don't even think about trying to eat your French manicure again." She dropped my hand and prepared to assault me with a blotting tissue. "Honestly, I know he wouldn't miss the wedding for anything. It means too much to him."

I sighed as she floated around to the back of the chair. Another strand of hair had fallen loose from my nervous jiggling. "I guess you've forgotten about the engagement party and the time when…" My voice broke off the memory of that time, the time he wasn't there, was too painful. Alice began to rub my lace covered shoulders soothingly. It had little effect.

"I mean, it's not like this matters too much anyway. I don't need to…." I spun around in my seat when I heard the creak of the floor outside the bedroom. I heard Alice give a frustrated growl and begin to mutter something to do with frantic humans that don't sit still. More bobby-pins were dug into the side of my head but I concentrated fully on the doorframe.

I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move. It had to be him, it had to be him.

"It's not him Bella," Alice whispered gently. I deflated like a depressed soufflé. I didn't even bother looking to see who entered the room. It was only when I recognised Carlisle calm tone talking to Alice at an impossibly fast rate, that I knew him. As rude as it seemed, considering he was supposed to officially become my new father, I stared blankly at anywhere but him.

"Bella?" I knew the question was addressed to me but I didn't respond to it.

"Where is Charlie?" I asked weakly. "He promised he would walk me down the aisle. He promised."

"Bella, would you like me to get Edward?" Someone asked. A brief smile graced my lips as I was reminded of sweet, amazing, harder, better, faster, stronger Edward but it dropped away quickly when I realised how bad thing must be if they thought I would need Edward. I bet he had died of a heart attack or in a car accident or a rogue vampire had killed him or Renee had for that matter and they were getting ready to break the news. Yes, that had to be it and I hadn't even been able to do something stupid to save him.

"Where is she?" Through the foggy daze I heard the voice of an angel, my angel and the tinkering of shattering glass. "AHH! Carlisle, could you please direct me to her?"

I could make out something that sounded like mirth in Carlisle's voice as he replied "You could just open your eyes Edward."

"Carlisle!" I had never heard my amazing, angelic completely perfect Edward surround so menacing by just saying one word. "You know it's bad luck."

"Ha! Like things could get any worse! Charlie is AWOL, the entire Volturi have decided to pay us a surprise visit even though they probably have better things to do in Italy, and are spying at us through the window…" Once I began to rant I knew there was no stopping me, the floodgates had opened. Carlisle was mildly surprised to see that I was right about the Volturi. For reasons unknown, Alice nor Edward hadn't seen them coming. "My ex-best friend/potential lover is planning to ruin the wedding with his wolf-pack minions, Tanya from Denali and her minions are sending me humorous but threatening text messages, Jasper is acting all Emo again and eyeing up my guest for possible snacks and I think it's going to rain!"

"NO IT'S NOT!" Echoed Alice's voice from somewhere down the hallway. Odd I hadn't even noticed her leave the room. How dare she leave me at my time of need! In ultimate teenage drama queen fashion I picked up the nearest hairbrush and hefted it towards Edward's smooth yet chiselled and muscled granite chest. It missed and hit an antique lamp.

"Bella, love. Calm down it's okay." The fight left my body and I slumped back down onto my seat. I all but turned to jelly, his voice has that effect on most people. "Carlisle? Would you please?"

Carlisle refrained from making any comments and instead led Edward to me. His cool hands gently caressed my scarlet cheeks and he placed gentled kiss on my forehead.

"I think it's time she knew Edward." Carlisle's sensible tone rang unanswered for a few moments before Edward nodded swiftly at something he had obviously heard in the doctor's thoughts.

"Bella, love, sweetheart, treasure of my existence. You're going to need to sit down." I meet Edward's shut-eyed concerned gaze with my own stare. Of course, it was not like he could see it.

"But Edward, I am sitting down."

"Oh." With Carlisle's direction, he sat down next to me with flawless style.

"There's a few things we never told you Bella." Carlisle paused dramatically and began to pace around the room checking for eavesdroppers. "We have kept a few secrets and all of them affect you directly. Edward and I for that matter, trusted you with the whole vampire secret and even though you are marrying in ten minutes or so, we thought it we best to leave this one as long as possible."

I edged forward in my seat as Carlisle finally came to a stop in front of me, next to sweet, gentle, kind, handsome Edward. His breathing was deep and nervous. "Isabella Swan. Bells. Bella, I am your father."

There was such a silence that I literally did hear a pin drop and after a little while, the fish like gapping of my mouth opening and shutting, opening and shutting. "Pardon?" I croaked eventually.

"I know it's a lot to understand but Renee was so beautiful and tempting, much like yourself, and I could resist leading a double life as Charlie Swan: Heroic Small Town Police Chief." Carlisle explained but nothing made any sense to me. He turned away and looked out the window mysteriously.

"But..But…That's impossible. You're a vampire. You can't have children!" I cried. "Wouldn't Jacob have realised? And you look nothing like Charlie!" I felt Edward put a cool restraining hand on what he thought was my shoulder. Embarrassingly enough, he missed and was touching something else entirely. I gently moved it to my waist before he realised. I could only imagine his reaction, if he knew.

"Yes, you are right in your assumptions, Bella. Carlisle, will you show her?" Edward said softly. Just as he was told, Carlisle turned around revealing Charlie!

"See Bella. All it takes is a wig and a good makeup pencil and we have Charlie." Carlisle/Charlie thing moved closer and I felt myself flinch subconsciously. "Haven't you ever noticed the similarities? Take the names for example, Carlisle, Charlie. They have much the same letters."

Edward nodded his head in agreement beside me and I could only stare open-mouthed at Carlisle/Charlie thing.

"And when was the last time you saw Charlie and Carlisle in the same room?" Edward asked, his cool breath tickling my ear.

"At the hospital?" I tried feebly. Edward and the Carlisle/Charlie thing both raised their eyebrows simultaneously. If I wasn't in shock, I would have probably laughed at how ridiculous Edward looked trying to keep his eyes shut while lifting his eyebrows.

"No, Bella." Carlisle/Charlie thing glanced down at his expensive looking watch with an annoying calm. "It's almost time to go Bella. You have no idea how proud of you and Edward I am. It's been so hard trying to pretend I disapprove of your relationship."

"But..you...he...vampire...gah!" I gave up trying to comprend and the last thing I saw was Edward finally opening his eyes before I passed out cold. I regretted saying this before but could things be any worse?

A/N: Yes Bella, Things can get worse...or didn't you realise Carlisle said secrets! We've found out Carlisle's secret but what does Edward have to share? And how does Jacob and the Volturi come into this odd short story? Keep an eye out for the sequel 'Who's pregnant with what now?'

Oh and before I forget, please review and let me know what you think!

Bayley