Disclaimer: Don't own it.
Author's Notes: I've decided to do a series of introspective ficlets, because I see I can do introspectives very well. Or at least decently. I'll be putting the pairings of each ficlet down at the bottom. I'm hoping you'll read all the way through and not cheat! Wink
Want And Need: For The Death Of A Loved One
I hate you.
No, that's wrong. I WANT to hate you. My admiration will always outweigh my want to hate. And I hate that. I hate how you glitter with every motion, how each part of you shines no matter what. Some days I think if you had rolled in mud, coated every inch of your being in that slop, somehow, you'd still have that magical, glittering air about you.
I hate that.
I hate how no one can disgrace you, touch you, mar your image. Insults can be thrown, but they bounce off that smile. Fingers can caress that skin, but that glitter keeps you from feeling. People can sling mud against your pictures, twist your words, and still, you smile.
I hate it.
I hate your talent, your ability to perform under the most stressful of circumstance in a split second. I think that if someone smashed your instrument to splinter of plastic, shard of glisten white keys, like broken teeth, you could still make you music with a wiggle of your fingers. I hate your flawlessness, you calm exterior in an inferno of blazing slander. Your constant worry and care.
Your love.
Gods how I want to hate that undeniable love you have for me. That forceful, aggressive, quiet love. I want to hate how you took me, owned me, made me yours. You own everything you touch, it's inevitable. Everyone around you falls into your touch. We're all like animals in a pound and you have your pick of the litter. It disgusts me.
I want more.
I hate myself for wanting you the way I do. It's so horribly wrong. You are my enemy, my competitor. I can't stand the way you play your twisted game. But I can't stand the thought of losing more. It tears at my very being to have you so near, but still so untouchable. Even that first night you took me, I could not touch you. I could not break that shell of you have become, even in your peak the mask did not crack.
I long for you.
The real you. The one I knew so long ago, when I was so young. The one I really admired. Your flaws made you so perfect, it was heartbreaking. And now that you've erased them all, you are imperfect. That is what mars your perfect façade. Your perfection makes you imperfect. That's no way to live.
Please, touch me.
Just once, I want the real you to touch me and actually feel me. That night never feels like it was long ago. That night you took me in, got me away from life I was never meant to live. There are days when I want to take it all back. Go back to the life I once had. The social drinker parents, the constant school work, trying to succeed to follow in my fathers footsteps. Some days I'd rather go back to that life then to have never known this one. But you took me away. Your hands were cold in the dark, reaching out for me, taking all of me in a flurry of tender appreciation for everything that I was. You allowed me to remove every outer layer you had on, except the one I wanted to remove the most. Soft lips curved into that smile as you pressed them against mine, and every part of my flesh that you had exposed, taking such time and care. I was suffocating in your love for me. Drowning in your touch. Bare hands roaming over the most secret areas on my body, slender fingers probing into me. My lips parted in an attempt to release my building tension. Only you could help it, pushing my legs up as you entered, still with that love in every move. You knew exactly what to do, to comfort me, to keep me from turning away from that. Hips pushed against my backside, each time a little more force. A force stronger then anything I ever was. You brought both of us together in that one screaming moment of pleasure.
Leave me alone.
Get out of my heart. For the love of anything you hold dear, get out of my heart. What we do behind that door is so terribly wrong, you don't even understand. And in every morning when I awake, finding my bed empty, I feel an elation of hope, thinking that it was the last time, the final time. But downhearted as well. Don't you want me to find the real you again? Don't you anyone to see him?
I mourn for him.
His death passed without notice or remembrance, except by myself. Am I the only one who sees the horrible being you've become? Your gently reprimanding eyes, your constant hated smile, the perfection in every move, as if you planned it. What happened to the man who lived for his music, smiled so freely, was so blunt but aristocratic with every word? He is lost now… lost in your endless see of masks.
I want to hate you, but how can I hate the man who was like my brother? Who has turned into my lover? How could I ever hate family? Oh cousin, I beg you silently with my eyes every time I see you to please stop this game. My moans ask you, plead, yearn for the man I lost so long ago. Please stop… please, Tohma, please come back to me.
The pairing in this was Sug/Tohma. I LOVE Suguru and Tohma together. Makes me feel all squishy inside! Tried to throw a bit of vague smut in there for you guys. I don't think that part went over well. This was Suguru thinking back on Tohma and what he used to be compared to what he is now (duh), and I hoped you guys like it!
SL