Bella and the Amazing Smelling Underpants

In the universe C1, Bella was sitting happily at her desk, smiling as she thought about how sparkly Edward was. She briefly contemplated pouring sparkles on him. Then she frowned. How would she know if he was sparkly or the sparkles were?

Bella slowly placed the underpants she had been sniffing onto her desk. Now was not the time for comparing human pants to vampire pants. How was she supposed to get hold of Emmet's pants anyway? Rosalie always had such a close guard on them. Bella ran (lolloped) down the stairs and out the door, hoping to reach Emmet's underpants before Alice 'saw' her. Or at least get Alice's.

Two cold arms wrapped around her, preventing her from further movement. She groaned loudly "Edwaaaard." He chuckled in her ear, cool breath wafting hair in her face. She swatted at him, irritated, before relaxing into him, a frown still etched on her face.

"Yes, Bella dear?" He whispered, trying to seduce her. She squirmed in annoyance.

"Edwaard. You know I need to get them! I can't stand not knowing!"

"What do you need my love?" He said whilst nibbling her neck. Bella felt a strong urge to slap him. She slapped him. He frowned too.

"What was that for? It's not my fault you won't admit your underpant addiction is real." Frustrated with her idiot of a vampire boyfriend, Bella pointed off into the distance. "Oh my god, Edward! There's a giant flying fish over there! Once in a life time opportunity!" Edward (Who was a massive fan of anything that flies, but a little wary of fish) immediately stared in the direction she was pointing. To keep him distracted, Bella licked him. He squealed.

Bella didn't hesitate, and within seconds she had escaped from his hold and was in Alice's Porsche. Alice stepped on the gas pedal, grinning like a loon. They had driven for just over a minute when Alice slammed on the brakes, the car screeching to a halt in the middle of the road. She made some sort of screaming noise and turned to face Bella.

"Wtf Bella? Why? Why would you do that?"

"Do what?" Bella was confused. She hadn't done anything. Yet.

"I just had a vision of you covering Edward in sparkles. In MY room!" Alice practically wailed. Bella was relieved. She'd thought this might be about the underpants.

"But Alice! How else will I know which of them is sparkly-er?" Bella made a pouty face. Alice's look was blank for a second before.

"Isabella Swan!" 'Oh, no', thought Bella.

"…This is about the underpants isn't it?" She said in a small voice. Alice's stare said it all, but apparently Alice needed to exaggerate the point.

"If you ever touch my underpants, you'll find that somehow all of you're underpants have magically disappeared." Bella gulped.

…

At the Cullen's house. "Thanks Alice!" Bella smiled. "Not a problem Bella, I'm going to go and find some way to become poor by overspending, despite my bazillions of dollars. And huge sock collection." Alice left.

Inside, Bella was laughing manically. The perfect time to get Emmet's underpants! She could hear Esme upstairs singing 'Do It Like A Dude'. Bella almost laughed, but then she remembered when Esme totally owned Edward in Twilight. Only, they cut that part out of the book, because he didn't seem manly enough in it. She didn't care. It happened.

She skipped upstairs, happier than a bee. Once she had Emmet's underpants, her life would be complete. She gently pulled the draw open when- Woosh! Edward again.

"Sorry Bella, I don't think Emmet would like that." Bella turned on her heel to face him, her neck put under pressure as she looked almost directly up.

"Edward. You are so pushy. All I wanted was some underpants. I am so offended that I'm leaving you." Then Bella walked off.

"No Bella, don't leave me! I'm sorry! You can have my underpants!" At the last part, Bella turned. Edwards underpants? That was tempting.

"Fine! But if I nearly die, as my vampire boyfriend it's your duty to save me! I have really bad luck!" Then Bella climbed up the chimney.

"Wth Bella?" Emmet said as he arrived home from truck land where he had spent the day walking around nodding at trucks. His favourite one was pink. Not that he'd tell Edward that. Oh shit, he just told Edward that.

"Haha, pink!" Cried Edward from upstairs. Bella made a confused face before jumping off the roof. As she fell she screamed "Unlucky me Edward! Stupid feet climbing up the stupid chimney then jumping off the stupid roof. There's no way that was my fault."

Edward smiled before catching her. "I think that roof was very rude. I'm gonna go kill it." He then went upstairs and jumped on the roof.

-We don't know what happened in the next scene as the author removed it after deeming Edward 'Not manly enough' in it. Lets just say Esme was involved.-

Bella smiled as she watched Carlisle walk into the house. She wondered what she saw in Edward. Just outside there was a hugely magnificent being, that she had totally ignored. Hadn't she stood only a few feet away from that beauty? How could she have not noticed? It was so stunningly attractive. She couldn't stand it anymore. Bella stood and walked outside, fully intending to shout her attraction to the heavens. Carlisle looked intensely scared when he saw her expression.

As she approached she wondered, briefly, what Edward would think. He'd just have to deal with it. She stopped an arm's length away from her target and reached out. "I love you." She whispered.

Her hand connected, but the soft bark did not reply. She glared at the large oak tree in frustration. "I love you." She repeated, louder.

"Oh my god already, I love you!" She shouted this time, angry and frustrated. A cold hand grasped her wrist. "Bella, the tree won't reply." Edward again.

"Honestly Edward! Stop stopping me! Do I get no free will?" Then Bella stabbed Edward with the secret vampire-killing scissors that she had owned for a while, just in case she got bored of him.

The other members of the Cullen family cheered and Bella became a hero of vampire kind, hailed as the bringer of boredom death… Or something similar that sounded a little better.

The End.

Epilogue.

"Oh Bella, bringer of the death of boring man… I give you my underpants in the humblest of appeasements." Said vampire number 426 as he bowed down to his highness. She grinned before sniffing the underpants and then slapping him. Every now and then she'd wonder what would've happened had she not killed the killjoy. Maybe she'd have been abandoned and then nearly killed and then made pregnant, and then nearly killed again, and then turned into a vampire, and then nearly killed again. Naaah, she thought. Way too complicated a plot line.

So Bella sat, eating prunes, slapping vampires, sniffing underpants and occasionally throwing peanuts at Esme. Who she kept in a cage.