Author's Note: This was just a quick idea I had while trying to figure out how to put the next chapter of "Metamorphosis" into words. Please review! Thanks guys! (:
I held the can of soda he gave me at lunch today close to my heart as I stared at the ceiling. I wasn't crying anymore; I guess I'd gone numb…
But I wasn't actually numb. Anyone who knew me would probably assume I'd gone numb at this point, but I hadn't. Earlier, when I was bawling my eyes out for hours, I hadn't fully grasped the situation. At that point, I had just assumed Jeremy would find a way to bring Ulrich back, just like good old Jeremy always did. But now, his words were sinking in… "I have no idea where he could be."
This was different than the other disasters Jeremy had concocted before. He always had an inkling of what to do; it was just a matter of fine-tuning that theory and putting it into action. This time, Ulrich had simply disappeared from the system, with no signal of him anywhere on Lyoko. He was gone without a trace. After Odd, Aelita and I scoured all of Lyoko and Jeremy performed countless complex scans, we all knew he was gone for good.
He was probably lost in the digital sea, like I once was…
So no, I wasn't numb. The fact that I'd stopped crying merely indicated that I was more aware. More aware of the fact that there was no solution to this problem. More aware of the fact that there was no hope for Ulrich. More aware of the fact that the rest of my life was going to be spent forever grieving for him and missing him…
I was now fully aware of the severity of the situation, and I simply didn't have it in me to cry anymore. I had given up.
I'm thinking back to everything that happened earlier today.
Jeremy told us about his program to allow us to be virtualized directly into Sector 5.
None of us objected to the idea, we just decided to choose a guinea pig in a completely arbitrary and unfair way. Ulrich literally (and figuratively) got the short end of the stick. It was completely random; it could have been any of us.
Why couldn't it have been me? Why didn't I see this coming?
Ulrich gave Odd his soda in case this would be his final virtualization. I was a little ticked off because of this then: why Odd and not me? Everyone at school considered us boyfriend and girlfriend, and I sort of did too, at least unofficially. Was he completely oblivious to that? Was I making up all those moments that I always replayed in my head, of us almost kissing, of him protecting me, of him getting nervous around me? Was that all some sick fantasy that I lived in all the time, completely distorting my perception of reality?
I looked down again at the can of soda I was holding. If I wanted to get really technical, Odd gave it to me, not Ulrich.
I felt a sudden surge of anger and the soda suddenly exploded all over the wall on the other side of the room.
Did I just throw that? Maybe I was really losing it.
I didn't know what to think. Now I was thinking that maybe Ulrich didn't love me, at least not like I thought he did. Not like I loved him…
Uncertainty…
I remembered Ulrich's face when they rematerialized me after I fell into the digital sea. I had never seen a happier face, really I hadn't…
I thought of the others: Odd, Aelita, Jeremy.
Odd and I always got along, right? We got in disagreements but our friendship was strong. We trusted each other. Or at least, I trusted him… I don't really know all that much about him, except that his parents are famous. The only side of him I really see is his funny side. Well, and his semi-serious side when Xana is attacking. Why didn't he trust me with more personal stuff, though? I've talked with him about touchy subjects like the constant unrest in my family, the shame I sometimes feel about not having any friends in my own classes... Maybe I was just complaining to him endlessly, and since he never shared stuff with me, he probably didn't care about me all that much, I guess…
The friendship between me and Aelita always seemed completely artificial and based solely on our mutual connection to Lyoko and Xana. I comforted her during her initial days at Kadic; I guess she felt more comfortable talking to me since we're both girls. After that initial adjustment period, she pretty much just talked to Jeremy and Odd. I guess I'd outgrown my usefulness to her.
My relationship with Jeremy was a bit more ambiguous than the other two. Most of the time it usually felt as though our relationship was built almost entirely around Xana, much like my relationship with Aelita. Other times, Jeremy sometimes seemed concerned for my wellbeing. When we first discovered Sector 5 and my parents were getting suspicious of me, he seemed to care about my dilemma and wasn't mad when I had to sit out on a few missions. But then again, when something went wrong on said missions, he immediately reneged on his previous agreements, and forced me to betray my parents once again in order to save Aelita. Indeed, it seemed that he never really thought of anything other than Aelita and Xana…
Well, apparently I wasn't as well-liked as I thought, even within my small group of friends. Nothing surprising, I guess. I'd always suspected as much. God knows my parents didn't care about me either, not wanting me to ever see my friends or stop studying, even though my report cards were always all A's...
My mind flew to Ulrich again. I imagined him lost in the digital sea for all eternity. I went over to my scrapbook, with pictures of me and my friends. Tonight, I only wanted to look at Ulrich, though; I didn't consider the others my friends anymore, not after how they've treated me…
I looked at how happy we looked together. I noticed how our bodies just seemed to always naturally be angled toward each other. No, that wasn't real. That was just me imagining it, because I wanted it to be true so badly…
As a single drop of water fell onto a picture of me and Ulrich slow dancing at last year's Spring Fling, I knew I had to join him, even if he didn't love me like I used to think he did.
I absolutely had to join him.
I immediately got up and put my boots on for my final mission.
I looked around my room one final time, at the soda dripping down the wall, at my messy closet, at the purple stuffed animal in the corner that I never understood but always absolutely loved.
Without a backward glance I hopped out the window and made my way to the factory. I wasn't all that great at using the supercomputer, but I knew where Jeremy's book of notes was, since he lent them to me when I tried to virtualize him so he could apologize to Aelita.
I traipsed through the park, the woods, the sewers, across the bridge, through the factory and into the elevator. It kind of creeped me out, knowing it would be my last time seeing this place again. I quickly shook my head to banish the thought.
When I got to the room with the supercomputer interface, I thanked my lucky stars that the book of notes was still where I'd left it last time. On the last page, I found that Jeremy had transcribed the program he used to cause Ulrich's disappearance. In the margin he scribbled failure. I almost felt like laughing; the connotation of failure wasn't nearly negative enough for my liking.
After my moment of dark humor, I decided to use the program to try to virtualize myself into Sector 5. I figured that was my best chance of finding Ulrich in the digital sea, if I entered where he entered. I meticulously entered the program and set up a delayed virtualization for myself.
Before I left for the scanner room, I left a brief note on the supercomputer so they would know what I'd done. I tried to tell myself that I didn't do that just so they would try to rematerialize me, even if they did find Ulrich…
I entered my scanner with a big smile on my face, knowing that I would be able to see Ulrich soon. I said goodbye to earth as the doors of the scanner closed and I felt the familiar gust of wind.
Curiously, I found myself in the Arena. What luck! It actually worked for me!
When the initial shock faded, I realized, well crap, this wasn't what I wanted. I figured I might as well just jump in the digital sea in the Celestial Dome; that was still close enough to the access point Ulrich entered, so I would probably be able to find him.
I mindlessly tripped the mechanism and made my way to the Celestial Dome. Curiously, I didn't meet any Creepers, Mantas, or Scyphozoas. Xana must have known what I was doing; he didn't want to screw up his chances of getting rid of two of us in one day…
At last, I came to the big open sphere, which was beautiful, menacing, and mysterious all at the same time. I did a quick search on the interface for any signs of Ulrich. Alas, Xana didn't know either; there was no data on Ulrich in there at all. It was as if he just disappeared from the system, just like Jeremy said…
Well, there was only one thing left to do. I walked to the edge of the platform and looked down into the digital sea below me. My love awaited me there…
I heard an unexpected noise behind me, and on instinct I quickly turned around and pulled out my fans. A lone Creeper was there, just looking at me. It wasn't firing at me, growling, nothing. I must have heard it slithering up; that sound was so weird…
I couldn't tell if it was egging me on or if it wanted me to stop. Knowing Xana, he just wanted to scare me more so I would end it…
And I did. As I walked off the edge and completed my descent into madness, I heard a familiar but Xana-fied voice coming from somewhere behind the Creeper…
Super Sprint!