Well, I feel moronic. I can't even watch children's television shows without thinking that one of the characters is gay.
Um, there really is nothing I can say for this. Except, I totally think Spongebob is gay. For either Squidward or Patrick, but that little sea sponge is a flamer.
Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush or the characters. I also don't own Spongebob or the characters.
Warnings: Don't read if you actually still see the innocence of Spongebob. I swear, once you're perverted, everything in that show sounds like innuendo.
And for the record, I hate myself for being addicted to writing BTR stuff. Hate hate hate it.
"Do you think Spongebob's gay?"
Logan choked beautifully on a mouthful of Cheerios. He glanced to his left, where Carlos was sprawled out on the couch calmly. He and Logan had been residing on that couch and watching a marathon of Spongebob for the past four hours, because there was nothing better to do on a Saturday afternoon.
Once he managed to dislodge the cereal from his lungs and eventually swallowed properly, Logan pushed his bowl away and sat back on the couch, considering Carlos's question.
"I think he's supposed to be seen as asexual, because this is a little kid's cartoon about a sea sponge," he replied after a few moments. Carlos squirmed a bit, and Logan knew it meant the other boy wasn't satisfied with the answer.
"Yeah, but what do you think? I think he's gay." Carlos grabbed at Logan's abandoned Cheerios and began stuffing spoonfuls into his mouth at impressive speeds. Logan winced as his friend practically inhaled the food.
"I don't know. It's not like he gives off flamboyant vibes or anyth-"
"Yeah he does!" Carlos butted in. "Look." He gestured to the television with the spoon, sprinkling Cheerios and milk droplets everywhere. "He's totally hooking up with Patrick off-screen."
"Off-screen? Carlos, it's a cartoon. Whatever they show you is what happens. Nothing more."
"No, see, you're just not looking at it right." He set the newly empty cereal bowl down and sat back on the couch. "Remember that episode where they find the submarine and drive around, selling Krabby Patties on the go?"
Logan sighed. This was working its way up to being the stupidest debate they've ever held. "Yeah."
"Okay, so remember when they first got ready to leave? And Spongebob's like, 'Bye Squidward! Bye Mr. Krabs! Bye, Squidward.' And then Patrick's all like, 'You said Bye Squidward twice' and Spongebob was like, 'I like Squidward' in a totally sexy voice!"
Logan stared at him. "Carlos, Spongebob is not a homosexual character."
"I'm telling you," Carlos argued, sitting up taller on the couch, "he and Patrick are secret boyfriends!" Logan still didn't look remotely convinced. "Okay, okay, look. They hang out in like, every episode. They tell each other everything, and they're really touchy-feely with each other."
"That's because they're best friends!"
"No, it's because they're secretly gay for each other!" Carlos glanced back at the television, where a different episode was beginning. Patrick and Spongebob had just found a baby clam, and were taking it in to care for it. Logan winced as Carlos's grin grew monumentally. "See! See! Spongebob's the mom, and Patrick's the dad! Spongebob even cross-dressed. They're totally gay."
Logan sighed. This argument was going on for much longer than it ever should. "Carlos, they're best friends. They just act stupid around each other."
"It's more than that!"
"No it's not!" Logan snapped, earning a look of shock from the other boy. "They're just best friends! Like you and me! And we hang out all the time, and tell each other everything, and there are no words for how touchy-feely you are," he said defensively. "And remember when I took in a butterfly for three days?"
"Okay, we were nine-"
"And you said that we had to be the mommy and daddy, because the butterfly's real parents were squished into the street! And since you used to be taller than me, you were the daddy, and I was the mommy. I even borrowed my mom's purse and heels." Logan twisted to sit against the armrest of the couch, glaring heatedly at his friend. "We do everything Spongebob and Patrick do! But it doesn't mean anything; we're not gay, so they're not gay, either!"
They stared at each other for a few silent minutes, before slowly turning their attention back to the neglected television. Both sat in absolute quiet, avoiding conversation and eye contact.
After another episode finished, Carlos finally took a deep breath and spoke up.
"Do you think we're gay?"
Logan didn't answer immediately. He closed his eyes, sighing heavily, before slowly turning to the other boy. "No, Carlos. We're not gay."
Carlos stayed silent for another few seconds, before shifting slowly towards Logan. Waiting until the paler brunette glanced over at him, he leaned in rather close, and Logan only just managed to stick a palm between his and Carlos's mouths. Carlos's lips awkwardly pressed to his palm, and the Latino boy pouted.
"What are you doing?" Logan demanded, leaning dramatically away from his friend. Carlos's eyebrows scrunched together slightly, and for a millisecond Logan thought the other boy was about to cry. But the hurt face was quickly masked over, and Carlos shrugged casually.
He leaned back, giving a simple, "I dunno," as an answer. Once he felt it was safe, Logan lowered his hand and shifted slightly away from him.
They sat quietly as the Spongebob Movie began. Neither said a single word, even through the part where Patrick flew over to congratulate Spongebob on being promoted, a flag donning the word 'Spongebob' wedged firmly between his butt cheeks. Carlos glared pointedly at his best friend, but Logan stared stubbornly ahead, refusing to believe that Spongebob and Patrick showed homosexual tendencies.
They sat there huffily, and Logan was becoming a very firm believer that Patrick, at least, was purely straight. He was head over heels for Princess Mindy, so wasn't that proof enough?
But then the Goofy Goober Rock song came on, and Patrick twirled around in his fishnets and stilettos, while Spongebob lowered his glasses to check out the sexually dressed starfish.
Logan and Carlos sat there awkwardly, until Logan finally muttered, "Okay, maybe they're a little gay." Carlos let out a huge breath.
"I told you! Spongebob and Patrick are super gay. I bet, if Nickelodeon allowed it, there'd be an episode where they get married, or something." The two watched in peaceful quiet for approximately two more minutes. "So… um… if they're gay… does that mean that we…?" Carlos trailed off, not looking anywhere but the television screen. But out of the corner of his eye, he could see Logan flushing a little.
"It doesn't mean anything," he said decisively, but then he wriggled a bit. "Right? I mean, we're not gay, right?" He looked over to his friend for reassurance, but Carlos looked just as unsure as he felt. Taking a deep breath, the Latino boy once more inched closer, going much slower this time in fear of another rejection. But Logan just stared up at him in fear and way more curiosity than he'd like to admit to.
Just as Carlos was about to take the initiative and close the last few inches between their mouths, the front door banged open, and the two boys jumped apart.
"Can you believe Kendall? He actually had the nerve to cancel our plans last second for a dumb spontaneous date with Jo! Since when is she more important than me?" James fumed, storming into the hotel room, right past the boys watching Spongebob, and stomped all the way to his room, slamming the door behind him. Carlos and Logan sat in another round of awkwardness as they listened to James's muffled complaints.
"I guess I should go talk to him," Carlos mumbled, standing from the couch and making to leave. On pure, unexplainable impulse, Logan jumped up and grabbed the other boy's shoulder, spinning him around.
"Wait," he said breathily, tugging Carlos to face himself. He opened his mouth to say more, but wound up just grabbing his other shoulder, tugging the boy forward roughly, and kissing him.
Carlos was slightly surprised, to say the least, but quickly clutched onto Logan's upper arms and tilted his head a little. They broke apart only seconds later, still holding onto each other and both wearing matching deer-in-headlights looks.
"That… uh…" Carlos began intelligently. Logan blushed brightly, a light red coloring spreading across the bridge of his nose.
"Maybe we're a little gay," he said shakily. Carlos only nodded. A loud thunk came from James's room, followed by three consecutive crashes. Carlos glanced over his shoulder, rolling his eyes. James, as it sounded, was throwing a temper tantrum. With one final cautious half-smile, Carlos pressed their mouths together for a brief second before turning and heading off to repair whatever damage from the fit James was throwing. Logan was about to sit back down and think about what exactly just happened when Carlos turned back.
"Hey," he called, gaining the still-flushed boy's attention. Carlos grinned. "Do you think James and Kendall are gay?"