Disclaimer: This is when I should utter words like "Jane Jensen" and "Sierra" and remind people that I don't do this for money.
Notes: AU!! Unlike in the game, in the novelisation Grace gives von Glower's letter to Gabriel. What if her fears had come true? Oh, and I included Friedrich's letter in its entirety because it's slightly different in the book.
Series: Has a sequel (work in process) Angels in Thy Soul
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The Relative Brightness Inside
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"Grace could not stop thinking about the letter. She feared that when they returned to Rittersberg, Gabriel would be gone."
Jane Jensen, The Beast Within, p. 301
o o o o o
Gabriel held the letter in his hands for a long time before finally reading it. At the first sight of Friedrich's writing he had to put it down again. Old-fashionedly ornate, strong, determined - like the man himself.
He picked up the papers again.
"Gabriel:
I know you are very ill right now. The change is always painful. I went through it myself when I was only twelve, and I did not even know what was happening to me. I'm sorry I am not there to help you, but I have a pretty clear sense that you would not welcome my presence. You are safe in Rittersberg. For now, that is enough. Let me speak, then, of the future.
You hate me now. I know this. But I have some hope that by the pass of the second moon, when the blood has inflamed the greater part of you, you will see things differently. You will need me then and, I think, you will want me then.
It is for hope of this that I did not have you destroyed the night you were bitten by von Zell. I could have done so. You were passed out for hours at the lodge. It would have been a simple thing to wake the men, show them von Zell's corpse, and make up a story that would enrage them enough to kill you. I did not. Let that be proof of my true desire for friendship with you.
I have desired companionship for more years than you have lived. I have even, very rarely, taken the risk and Changed others. But the Blood was always too much for the brain and my Chosen one ended up dead. Or mad.
This is why I started the hunt club. It was my idea that if I could first indoctrinate men's minds to the religion of tooth and claw, that they then might be prepared for the Change. As you have seen, it did not work. Von Zell was the best of the lot. If he had turned out well, I would have taken the others, but there's no point in even trying with them now.
But you are different. You're a Ritter. Your blood is already supernatural. Yes, I know of your family. It was a Ritter that captured my own father, Claus von Ralick. I never blamed you, even though myself would have been killed had not my mother had the foresight to flee. No, it was not your ancestor but my father that I hated for years, until I learned to appreciate his legacy.
You see, I have studied much over these centuries. When you and I met, I felt instinctively that you would not be destroyed by the Change. You have an enormous streak of the beast in you and you are innately strong in the Occult. You will be powerful and beautiful in the Change, I am sure of it. I did not intend for it to happen so soon and in such a way, but perhaps fate has its own reason.
But how confused you must be. You may feel I used you to dispose of von Zell. I did. He had to be taken care of, and you obligingly showed up. What was I to do? I am too old not to have learned at least this much about the light - you cannot shut it out. Better to let it in and let it simply dim to adjust to the relative brightness inside. But the warmth between us, this was genuine, I assure you.
Think well on these things as your body adjusts. Think about meeting me in Munich in two months' time. We can leave Germany if you wish and go anywhere you like. I will teach you how to hunt, how to live safe and well. You can feel the night wind on your face, taste the heartbeat of the kill beneath your jaws. It is glorious - much more so than the priestly life the Schattenjäger offers.
Don't confuse yourself with ideas of good and evil. Nature shows us that there are no such distinctions. You and I both inherited something from our fathers. Is your legacy any less of a curse or blessing than mine?
Join me.
With deepest affection, Friedrich"
Oh God. What was he supposed to do now? It was one thing for Grace and the others to abstractly plan killing this man but Gabriel knew him – or had thought he knew him, had had to reconsider everything that he thought he knew and now... he had to reconsider those reconsiderations.
o o o o o
Gabriel was nowhere to be found when Grace returned from AltÖtting. Not in the dungeon, not in the Schloss itself, and Gerde had no idea when she had last seen him.
"What are we going to do?" the German woman asked.
"Well, we can look the baron up in the phone directory and ask him to give us our Schattenjäger back, or we can go on with the plan and hope he has enough sense to come back on his own!" Grace snapped, then immediately regretted it as the other woman took a step back as if slapped.
"I'm sorry," she said quietly, rubbing her forehead, "I'm just... I'm worried. Quite apart from his destination, he's not really in a condition to go anywhere yet!"
"I believe the baron will look after him," Gerde said confidently.
"What?!"
"Gabriel left the letter behind. I read it," she announced calmly and Grace snapped her head up.
"You read it?"
"I worry too!"
"I know... I... Can I see it?"
Later, as she put the papers down she looked at Gerde with slight confusion in her eyes. "He loves Gabriel."
Gerde just nodded. That was exactly what she had concluded from the contents herself.
"Well, he's in for a disappointment; they don't really come straighter than Mr Knight," Grace remarked dryly.
Gerde just raised her eyebrow, "Then why is he gone?"
o o o o o
Gabriel stood staring at the house he'd only seen a few times before. The forest behind it made sense now.
Grace had the car so he had walked to the nearest town and rented a motorcycle. The wind on his face, and the sounds it made against his leather jacket reminded him of home. The slight fever had him feeling hot all the time, and it made the memories of New Orleans even clearer.
N'Orleans and the reason he had left. Malia, who had also made his blood burn.
He was starting to feel really weak, he'd really been doing too much, and that more than anything made the decision for him.
He didn't even consider the possibility that Friedrich would not be at home. He rang the bell, and Gunter opened the door immediately.
"Herr Knight..."
"Gabriel!
Friedrich rushed to the hallway as soon as he heard the name, and was greeted with a punch to the face.
It pushed him off-balance for a second, then he motioned Gunter to let Gabriel go from the grip he had took him in as soon as he'd landed the punch.
"I deserved that," he conceded.
"Damn well you did. I need to sit down."
Gabriel seemed to have no doubts of his welcome even after his greeting, and that warmed Friedrich's heart.
"You'd better lie down," he fussed, and led his guest upstairs. Not to the guest room he had been using on his previous visit, but to his own.
"Think I need a drink," Gabriel muttered, in the brink of sleep.
"I'll get you a glass," Friedrich promised. He paused at the door, "You are safe here, Gabriel."
"I know. Always known," the whisper was quiet but Friedrich's ears could pick it up easy, and the warm feeling grew.
o o o o o
It was dark when he woke up. At first he thought Friedrich would be around but then realised it was because the bed smelled like him. It was his bed. He wasn't sure how to feel about that, so he got up and padded to the adjoining bathroom.
He found a glass of water on the bedside table, and drained it thirstily. Then he went to search for food.
The sight that greeted him in the living room was fast becoming familiar. Friedrich was reading by the fire.
His greeting, again, was a joyful "Gabriel!" Then he hesitated for a bit, and, still smiling, asked "Are you going to hit me again?"
"Nah... but you still deserve it."
"I did not expect you so soon."
"Why do you think I'm here?"
Friedrich merely raised his left eyebrow.
"I could be here to kill you," Gabriel remarked, conversationally.
"You expect me to cower?"
"Could bear your throat for me," the younger man grinned, with definite innuendo.
Friedrich cast his eyes, to hide the fire that had ignited in response.
"I relived some of Ludvig's memories, you know," Gabriel went on with the conversational mode. "Once again, I'm in a situation I don't know how many of my emotions are my own and what are simply echoes of those who came before me. Pun intended."
"What do you mean?" Friedrich frowned, and Gabriel, who had just spied the book he had been reading looked pointedly from it to him.
Friedrich didn't even look flustered, he merely smiled, even though The Voodoo Murders was hardly his usual reading.
"I ordered some of your books the first day we met."
"Huh."
"This one is... different."
"You could say that again."
"It is... autobiographical?"
"Mostly. Never had sex with Grace, though," he grinned unrepentantly.
"Is that what you were referring to? Inherited emotions?"
Gabriel gulped and looked away from him. "Yeah."
"What was her real name?" Friedrich asked with a soft voice.
"Malia," he answered, and the name came out as a caress.
"And you think you were merely reliving your ancestors feelings towards the slave girl?"
Gabriel did not want to repeat Tetelo's name lest it gave her power on some occult level, so he merely nodded.
"Didn't of course feel like it at the time," he smiled without humour, "but afterwards... Couldn't help but wonder. Little too convenient. The whole Romeo and Juliet thing."
He looked at the other man from under his lashes as if implying that the situation was repeated again. Maybe it was.
"Gabriel..."
"I was in his head!" he suddenly snapped. "I practically know your body as well as my own. I know what it feels like to be kissed by you. It's... confusing. I know what it's like loving you - from another man's perspective. I know what it's like to hate you so much it makes you go insane. I don't know what's his and what's mine," the end was almost a sob, and he was kneeling on the floor, drained.
Friedrich was there, hugging him close.
"I am yours," he whispered, so quietly that Gabriel wasn't sure he had heard correctly, at first.
"I have no ancestral ghosts guiding me," he smiled tenderly."And you... how did you feel about me... before Ludvig and the bite messed up your head?"
"Safe," Gabriel muttered against his neck, "comfortable. Tried not to."
"Comfortable."
"Like I never have. There was... attraction, to companionship, friendship, and maybe..."
He didn't know why it was so damn easy to be honest with this man, to talk about his emotions when he usually hid them even from himself. Maybe it was the comfort, the recognition he felt with this man.
No one, not even Malia, had made him feel like this. Like home.
"The talisman," he suddenly remembered, "you could touch it."
"Yes."
"With no pain."
"Yes."
"It repelled von Zell. It hurts me."
"Von Zell had turned what should be natural into something dark. With you... probably just a reaction to the change in your light. Me... Do you think I am evil, Gabriel?"
Gabriel lifted his head to meet the serious gaze questioning his own.
"I can't. I know, I know the things you've done but... but nothing more than what ... an animal would do to survive."
He looked at Friedrich's face for a long time. "It was my duty to hunt down and kill von Zell. If I were to kill you it would be only to release myself and how would that be 'good'?"
"That said," he went on when the other man looked like he was about to say something, "I'm not ready to let go of my other legacy either. If this case has proven me something it's that I am a Schattenjäger."
"You do know that you will never have an heir if..."
His answering grin was almost as bright and cocky as the old Gabriel's, "So? I'm immortal, aren't I?"
Friedrich threw his head back and laughed. Then he looked serious again. "What about us, Gabriel?"
Gabriel took a deep breath and disengaged himself from the other man to stand up. He walked to the other end of the room, and looked into the fire.
"What comes to your invitation, I'm afraid I have to say 'no'."
He held his hand up to stop Friedrich's comments.
"I can't join you. Can't leave my life behind."
He turned to look at the other man. Friedrich met his gaze evenly.
"But I don't... I don't wanna let go of you either. I need to figure out what exactly I want from you but... You can teach me how to live with this. And beyond that, I want to have you around. But there are limits. If you ever, ever kill a human being again I am going to bury my nifty Schattenjäger dagger deep into your heart and burn your body in the crossroads or what ever I need to do to make sure you never come back."
Friedrich swallowed, then smiled. "I believe the crossroads are for vampires."
"You know what I mean."
"I do."
"I..."
Friedrich was laughing now, more with sadness and acceptance than amusement. "You refuse to dim, my friend."
"What the hell did that mean anyway? 'Relative brightness inside'? I mean, what the fuck?"
"Never mind, lieb... friend. You are... so much more than I ever expected, and trust me, I expected a lot."
Gabriel averted his eyes at the halted endearment, and offered a lopsided smile in response to the rest of the statement. "So," he grinned, "join me?"
So much was at stake here, for both of them. A whole new way of life. Gabriel made no promises so Friedrich was risking it all for implied friendship alone, Gabriel... Gabriel was proposing to learn to live with the beast but remaining in the light, the dark magic bent to the service of good.
"We may have to hunt our own kind one day."
"Yeah, I know I... Hey, does that mean...?"
"Yes, yes, I cannot let you go. What ever you can offer, I am content to take, and wait, perhaps, for the day when you will accept what I offer. Not, I hasten to explain, the offer of running wild but... myself."
"I can make no promises, Friedrich. Be very sure. You are going to have to adjust your whole philosophy."
"Not the core, no. Although the whole duty thing, and fighting evil is so very... human, don't you think?"
"Yeah, I guess."
The remained lost in each other's eyes for a moment, then Gabriel cleared his throat and looked away. "I'd like to get back to my dungeon before full moon."
"Dungeon? They keep you in a DUNGEON?"
"I keep myself in a dungeon, safest place to be. Don't want to go wolf on Gracie and Gerde."
"As the moons pass you can learn to control yourself, even in the wolf form. You can retain enough of yourself to be in charge. Of course, your instincts will be for the hunt but you can always choose what you go after."
"So... You've chosen to go for human beings?"
"Not... consciously, no. I've been so controlled by the chase, so tuned into the moment I have not been human at all, just all wolf. Never aware until afterwards. Garr... you saw him. Eating in his human form. For him, it was a conscious choice, born out of his madness or of his arrogant belief he was always better than the rest."
o o o o o
Friedrich offered to drive him home. Gabriel grinned, and said he needed to return the bike anyway.
"We can take the jeep, it fits in the back."
"But I wanna drive," Gabriel pouted.
Somehow, the image of Friedrich holding on to him, driving with him... But in the end practicality won. He wasn't strong enough to drive. He dozed off mere minutes after they had left.
"Are you sure about this?" Friedrich asked him as they arrived in Rittersberg.
"About what?"
"Me, coming with you."
"I gotta go back. They worry. I go without you, they convince me to kill you. That simple."
"Ah."
"They've got very elaborate plans, you know. Might take a bit to win them over."
"Gabriel..."
"What?" he asked, and grinned innocently.
Friedrich parked the car next to where Grace had left Gabriel's and followed him in. They were met with a curious bunch of people who were all talking at the same time but fell quiet the second they saw the man following Gabriel.
"Can I have my talisman, Grace?" Gabriel asked, ignoring everyone else after seeing what she was holding.
She held it out for him, silent, and Gabriel reached for it hesitantly. He steeled himself for the pain... that never came.
"I'll be damned," he said and met Friedrich's gaze.
"I believe it rejected you earlier because you were fighting your condition as darkness. Now that you have accepted it..."
"Accepted it?!" Grace spat out.
"Whoa, hold on. Friedrich, meet everyone, everyone, this is Baron Friedrich von Glower. He is both my friend and my guest, so keep a civil tongue."
Friedrich bowed his head at the people but – unsurprisingly – received no acknowledgment from anyone.
"Look, I promise you guys some explanations and shit tomorrow, now I think I need to relocate myself into my cozy cell."
"I'll come with you."
"Friedrich..."
"It would, I believe, be easier for you to... not be alone."
"I'm pretty out of it, you know, I attack myself and my surroundings."
"I am stronger than you, and can keep my mind with me. Trust me, it is better this way. Besides, where else would I be? In your home with..."
"You've got a point there. Alright, let's go."
o o o o o
It was odd, having company for this.
Gabriel looked at Friedrich looking at his surroundings with disdain.
"You can still go," he muttered angrily from his corner.
The other man walked over and sat down next to him, shoulder brushing his own. "No. I will go through this with you."
He thought he heard Gabriel whisper his thanks.
It wasn't long until the pain consumed Gabriel. He was shaking and sweating and didn't resist when Friedrich helped him undress. He was too far gone to realise when his companion took his own clothes off as well, and, after holding Gabriel in his convulsions as long as he could, followed him into the wolf form.
o o o o o
It was never pleasant to wake up afterwards but at least it was... different this time. He was dressed, and a warm body was holding him close. He was resting his head on Friedrich's shoulder, and the arms around him were keeping him pleasantly warm.
"Good morning, Gabriel."
He took a peek at Friedrich's face, and winced when realised he was slightly bruised.
"It is not your fault," the older man said, "you were harming yourself and I interfered. My own fault, I didn't want to risk hurting you worse."
"I... I don't feel so crappy. And I have vague recollections of the night... never remember anything..."
"That is good, maybe my presence had an effect, or then you are adjusting to the Blood sooner than even I expected."
"Hope someone springs us soon, I'm ravenous."
It suddenly occurred to him that the others could just refuse to let them out of the cell. As he was wondering what they would do, he heard the sound of the lock.
It was Mr Smith, with his customary set of spare clothes but this morning Gabriel was in no need of them.
The man kept his distance after he realised Gabriel didn't need help to ascend the stairs. No one was greeting them outside. Were they... afraid?
"So, how are they taking this?" Gabriel asked him, aiming for light.
"Ummm..."
"That's okay, we'll find out soon enough."
They didn't meet anyone on the way to Gabriel's room, where he soaked himself in the tub for a bit to loosen his muscles, and changed into clean clothes. Friedrich had taken his bag from the jeep on the way and had also changed by the time Gabriel emerged.
He looked casual – for him, but still miles away from Gabriel's usual jeans and t-shirt.
There was some awkwardness between them, and Gabriel wanted – needed – to get over it because he needed them to present a unified front to the others.
"Thanks," he mumbled to the carpet.
"Don't thank me for this," Friedrich said very quietly, and Gabriel's eyes shot up.
"It is my fault you are in pain, geliebt."
"You didn't bite me," Gabriel reminded, and pleaded in his mind that the other man wouldn't make him angry right now. And he would, if he really made Gabriel believe it was his fault. He was not at his most rational, after all.
"Don't you think I didn't want to? I have been wanting this ever since I saw you, Gabriel. I could have spared you from so much had I been honest with you."
"Yeah, and we wouldn't be here, and you'd be dead even before I had time to know you. Let's not do this now, Friedrich, don't choose this moment to start feeling guilty. We need to go down there and meet a very irate New Yorker, a stubborn German, and some interfering Americans. All of them want to kill you to 'save' me. They are going to try to save me from myself, too, so I need... I dunno, support."
"I will not give you up."
"Yeah." His voice was tight.
"I have also noted that you have not revealed their 'elaborate plans' to me either. Keeping a back door open?" there was sharpness in his voice as well, now.
"Their plans, their secrets. If they wanna go ahead, it will be against both of us," Gabriel didn't elaborate on his simple answer but the older man's posture relaxed.
"Now, let's just go see if I still have friends down there, or whether... Hell, I don't know if I should leave, or throw them out if we can't work something out."
Friedrich rested his hand on Gabriel's shoulder when they walked down, and to his surprise the American found it feeling not restricting but comforting. The other man's touch had felt natural from the beginning. Maybe that should tell him something.
Grace was sitting at the table but got up when she saw the men. Gerde brought in the breakfast as if she'd been keeping an eye for them. The table was laid for two. Gabriel took this as a good sign.
"Friedrich, Grace Nakimura."
"Miss Nakimura," Friedrich bowed his bead but didn't offer his hand.
"Baron," Grace managed to answer behind clenched teeth.
"Gerde Hull."
"Fräulein Hull."
"Baron," she at least had the grace to move her head a bit to show at least a resemblance of politeness.
"Well, the food looks great. I hope it's not poisoned," he muttered the last bit so quietly he knew only Friedrich would catch it. He shot a quick look at him and caught the trembling not-quite-smile of his lips.
"We were worried," Gerde said softly when no one else spoke.
"Yeah, I know. Sorry about that. Needed to... get some things straightened up."
Grace let out a bitter giggle at his word choice. Gerde shot a warning look at her but Gabriel only stared at her, uncomprehending. Then he went through what he had said in his head, and smiled.
"Yeah," he drawled.
Grace had the grace to blush.
They finished the rest of the meal in silence. When Gabriel had finished he looked up at the women, and sighed.
"Look, I don't know how it's going to work but there will be no killing Friedrich, so we just... I just need to learn to live with this thing, and make it work for me. I'm a Schattenjäger. That will not change. I'm a werewolf, too." It was the first time he had said it aloud, so he paused for a moment to test how it felt on his tongue. His eyes turned determined and he held Grace's gaze as he went on, "I intend to use that for my benefit in my work. Friedrich will be around. That's non-negotiable. I'd greatly appreciate if you guys were too, but... I understand if you don't think you can."
"How could you?"
"How could I what? I agree with Friedrich on one thing. This – thing – in itself is not evil. It' what we make of it. Von Zell made it darkness. I intend to make it light. I have skills, strengths I didn't have before. That would have helped me in this case as... as in the Voodoo case. It does not have to be a curse, Gracie, it can be a gift!"
He was desperate for her to understand. She was his link to the past, after all, and he did care for her. Impossible not to. He'd miss her but he would not sacrifice Friedrich to keep her. His motivations he thought best not to look into too deeply but that was just how it was.
"What about... How..." Gerde was struggling with her wording. How did you ask your boss whether he was sleeping with another man?
"Friedrich?" Gabriel understood at least partly what she wanted to know. "He... I don't know how it, we, will... I don't know," he said, looking into Friedrich's eyes but talking to Gerde, "he will help me. With my adjustment to this whole wolf-thing, as well as my job."
"He is your job!"
"That's one way of putting it," Gabriel grinned lecherously at Grace but turned serious soon. "If you're referring to my job as a Schattenjäger, then no. He's not. He's not evil."
"How can you forgive him for what happened to you?" Grace demanded, sounding tearful, not angry.
"I did not bite him," Friedrich reminded quietly.
"But you were going to!"
"Never without his permission."
"Like with Ludvig?"
Gabriel saw the flash of pain in his eyes, and reached to touch his hand under the table. Friedrich held on to it gratefully.
"It was an accident. I was... not myself at the moment. And the wolf could only see something it knew it wanted, not even realising why. I was torn when I came to my senses and realised what I had done."
"Isn't that what you were sent to do?" Grace asked bitterly.
"I loved him, Miss Nakimura, and I would never have hurt him. We had been together for years at that point, and I had not harmed him in any way."
"There can be many opinions of that," she muttered.
"Grace, do you, of all people, think being gay is a sin?" Gabriel butted in.
"What do you mean?" Grace asked in a are-you-implying-I'm-a-lesbian voice.
"Educated and open-minded," Gabriel clarified with an angry edge.
"Well, you're Catholic, you tell me," she asked with a nasty smile but he refused to be goaded.
"Many things I like my gran would consider sins," he simply said.
"Like him? Do you like him?"
It was clear to all what she was asking, and Gabriel could feel that damn blush appearing again.
"What if I do?" he asked softly, and Grace drew in a sharp breath.
"Gabriel," Friedrich's voice was admonishing.
"What? It's not her business."
"Gabriel."
"Fine! I don't know," he turned to talk to Grace who was very quiet now, "I don't know what I feel, or what he will be for me. For now, he is my friend and... and a teacher. But whatever he will be, it will be between me and him, okay?"
Grace could just nod in response to a tone she had very rarely heard Gabriel use.
"Man, I'm tired. Can we go on with the argument later?"
"Of course." That was Gerde, Grace was still shocked into silence.
"You need sleep?" Gabriel asked Friedrich as they were ascending the stairs.
"I admit to being a little tired."
"Do you want your own room?"
"What's my alternative?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.
Gabriel kept his eyes decidedly looking right ahead when he replied with forced casualness, "I have a big bed in the comfiest room in the place."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm only offering a place to sleep," the younger man grinned. "I... I meant what I said. I feel... comfortable with you around. I need that feeling right now. If it's not too much to ask... I mean..."
"I believe I can control myself," Friedrich replied with dry amusement, and Gabriel fought not to blush again.
It should have been awkward, lying in the bed next to each other, but it wasn't. They weren't touching but not hiding in opposite ends either.
"Friedrich..." he started, then got sidetracked, "Is there a shorter form? Like, you know, Fred?"
"Fredi, Friedel, Fritz," Friedrich recited.
Gabriel turned to look at him, "You don't look like Fritz."
That earned him a smile. "Thank you."
"You'll never call me 'Gabe', will you."
It wasn't really a question but the other man pretended to consider it. "No," he smiled.
"Wouldn't be 'you'."
"Some would say that, with names, it should be the other way round."
"Yeah. Some. I'd have a silly nickname for you because of the way I am, but they are not you, so I don't. And you don't call me by one, also because of the way you are."
"There are so many things I could call you, my angel," the smile was wicked now, and Gabriel was learning to l... like that smile very much.
"I bet," he merely said dryly, and dropped the conversation before it veered off to things he wasn't ready to discuss yet.
"Sweet dreams, mein Engel."
"Not a fucking angel," Gabriel muttered in the brink of sleep, and Friedrich's laughter followed him into his dreams.