Shinji
"Ayanami, are you there?"
Shinji was used to Rei not opening her apartment door. But still, she knows who it is, you think she would answer the door.
"Ayanami?"
The door slowly slid open, revealing Rei in her school uniform, just getting ready to leave. Shinji had been told by Misato that he should keep Rei some company, seeing as she always seems so alone. But Shinji has had feelings for Rei ever since he first laid eyes on her, wheeled out on a hospital bed, his father using her to defeat the 3rd Angel while in that kind of condition. Today was the day; he was going to tell Ayanami how he felt.
"Ikari, why are you here?" in her usual tone of voice.
"I...um...well, you see...Misato thought it would be good if I walked you to school in the morn-"
Before he could finish, Rei cut him short.
"I do not require your assistance for journeys to school Ikari."
Shinji blushed a little, but quickly turned and hid his embarrassment from Rei.
She's so beautiful...
"Well...you should probably be telling Misato that, she said it was an order..." Shinji said after his cheeks returned to their usual colour.
"An order? To accompany me?"
"Yes Ayanami."
"I believe it would be...preferable."
Shinji was not sure, but he could have sworn he saw Rei give her tiny, almost unnoticeable smile.
Blinking to see if she truly was, her face was back to it's usual emotionless form.
Must have imagined it, Shinji thought to himself, slightly disheartened.
"Hey, Ayanami, wait!"
Rei was already walking out the apartment door and down the stairs, carrying her book bag.
Shinji had to keep a slow jog to catch up, but eventually did when they reached the bottom, and Rei stopped.
"What is it Ayanami?" Shinji spoke nervously, not knowing what to except.
"It is...nothing." Rei whispered, her voice trailing as she turned to continue walking.
When can I tell her...I need to get her alone...I must tell her how I feel.
We are alone now...why not now?
I can't, I'm too nervous.
"Is something wrong Ikari?"
Shinji found Rei had turned and was now staring at him with her crimson eyes, so deep, so beautiful.
His face almost exploded, he was completely red.
"Why are you...blushing, Ikari?"
"Its...just a heat stroke...it's nothing, let's continue."
They walked in silence the entire way to school staring at the ground, only Shinji giving the occasional glance at Rei and finding her staring down.
He could see Rei open her mouth to speak, but slowly closed it.
They arrived at school without incident, and took their seats.
Shinji sat down the front of the class, and Rei's seat was near the back corner, against the window.
The teacher arrived, and began to call the role.
"Ayanami, Rei?"
"Here, sir."
Shinji blushed a little.
He couldn't help it, whenever anyone spoke of Rei he felt like this.
Why?
He knew he had feelings for Rei, but why was he unable to not help but blush.
Is this what love feels like?
"Ikari, Shinji?"
When could he tell Rei how he felt?
He has to wait for the perfect time to do so, otherwise it could all be lost.
"Shinji, you dummkopf!" yelled Asuka, a red haired, egocentric, paranoid and loud student (who happened to be German), and unfortunately, one of Shinji's fellow pilots along with Rei.
"Ah, I'm here sir! Sorry." Spoke a startled Shinji.
He turned to glare at Asuka, and caught a quick glance at Rei.
She was staring out the window, as usual.
I don't know if she could feel the same way as me, given that it IS Rei, the emotionless mask.
But to Shinji she was much more, he could see through Rei's mask, and could tell her emotions just by small movements within her face.
"Hey, Shinji, stop glaring at Ayanami and pay attention, will ya!" shouted Touji.
The whole class erupted with laughter, and caused Shinji to go red like a beetroot.
Before he turned away, he could see slight tinges of pink on Rei's cheeks, made of pale white skin, but she continued to stare outside.
Shinji praised the lord when the final bell rang, and he was able to leave.
But not before waiting for Rei.
Rei continued to sit and stare out the window, apparently also waiting for everyone to leave.
Shinji mustered up enough courage to approach Rei.
But before he could open his mouth, Rei spoke first.
"Ikari."
"Yes Ayanami?"
"Could you...walk me home. I wish to speak with you."
Shinji couldn't believe it, was this happening?
"Of course Ayanami" spluttered Shinji.
Rei got up silently and picked up her book bag, then made her way to the door.
Shinji followed, and they left the school.
Together.
Shinji gathered his thoughts and decided to ask Rei what she wished to speak about.
"Ayanami, what is it you wish to talk about?"
"I wish to be alone to speak with you. When we arrive at my apartment, I will explain."
Shinji knew this was the best time to express to Rei his feelings for her, and he also knew that if he didn't do it now, he might never have a chance.
They were close enough to see Rei's building now, and Rei seemed to increase pace.
After hurrying up the four flights of stairs to her apartment, Rei edged open the always unlocked door, and stepped inside.
Shinji could still not believe this was a girl's room.
All there was is a hospital bed, a small refrigerator, a cupboard and a bathroom.
"Please Ikari, sit." Muttered Rei, waving her hand to the bed.
Shinji gulped, and hesitantly sat on the bed, making a small creak.
"Ikari, I must talk to you about something"
"Anything Ayanami, please tell me".
"I...you...affect me differently than the others. I do not know this feeling I have..."
Shinji was amazed, could she possibly...?
"Whenever I speak to you, I feel...happy. I think. I'm not sure what happy is. I get a strange feeling in my stomach whenever your around me, whenever you...smile"
Shinji was still trying to take in what was being said.
"When I first met you, in Unit 01's cage, you looked...different. When the Angel broke through and NERV was shook, you came over and expressed concern for me. No-one except the Commander has ever expressed concern for me before. It felt...good.
The next time, when you were here, at my apartment...it felt...a bit queasy. I think."
Shinji turned his head away to hide his blush. He remembered that well, when he came into Rei's apartment and found her coming out of the shower, he then fell over on top of Rei, one of his hand's on her-
"When we defeated the 5th Angel, you came down, and burnt your hands to get into my entry plug. Just like when the Commander got me out of my entry plug when Unit 00's activation test was a failure. Except, he did not express as much concern for me as you did. For the first time...I...smiled."
"Rei, I-"
"I am not finished yet Ikari. When you reached out and gave me your hand, the touch made me get this feeling inside. I have read that in similar cases this feeling is...
Love."
Shinji desperately wanted to slap himself to wake up from this dream. Did Rei love him, just as he loved her?
"I have that feeling whenever I am near you. I think...
That I love you Shinji."
Shinji was about to pass out, Rei loved him. This was incredible.
"I do not want to force my feelings upon you Ikari, if you do not share them, you are free to leave".
Shinji couldn't help but cry. He could think of nothing else to do.
Rei broke the silence after about a minute.
"I see. You can go now."
This is it. He can't run away now. He has always run away from everything good in his life, every opportunity. He finally found something that he never wanted to lose, and if he didn't speak up now, it would be forever lost.
I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away...
"Ayanami...I...I have always been afraid. Of everything. I have always run from anything that could have been good in my life. You are one of those things...but this time, I am not going to run away. I'm not going to leave you Rei. I have always been lonely, and I know that you have as well. What I'm really trying to say is..."
Shinji pushed the fear deep into his chest.
"I...I love you Rei."
Rei
This light. It is intensely bright, and it begs to awake me from this slumber.
But I do not wish to wake, not yet, so please, leave.
I'm dreaming of...
Ikari.
I have never had a dream before, it feels just like when I am awake.
Except that I am different here, in this world of imagination.
I am smiling...laughing.
With Shinji.
We are sitting down on the rooftop of the school in which I and Ikari attend.
Shinji is asking me all kinds of things, some humorous.
He is trying to teach me to...
Kiss.
He decides to make the first move, and I am glad he did.
I am nervous. Is this feeling one of nervousness?
I'm not sure.
He leans in, eyes closed.
I decide to do the same.
We are now close enough that I can feel his breath against me.
It feels good.
Our lips almost meet...
Shinji.
"Ayanami?"
Who is at the door?
The voice sounds...familiar.
I get out of bed, and begin to get dressed.
After my school uniform is on, I hurriedly pack my book bag and head for the door.
Slowly opening it, I see that Ikari is at the door.
I was surprised...although I do like to show my emotions and be open with Shinji, I decided not to right now.
"Ikari, why are you here?" I say, trying to keep my mask.
"I...um...well, you see...Misato thought it would be good if I walked you to school in the morn-"
I know what he is going to say. And I am happy. I do wish to spend more time with Shinji. But I must know if he truly wants to be here of his own free will, or if he is just following orders.
"I do not require your assistance for journey's to school Ikari."
I was greeted by a slightly saddened face from Shinji, and immediately felt sorry for what I had said.
Shinji turned his face away for a few seconds.
Why?
Does he not want to look at me?
I hope I have not upset him, I never wish to upset Shinji.
"Well...you should probably be telling Misato that, she said it was an order..."
An order? So he isn't here of his own free will...
I felt a little depressed from this, but if it is an order, I must follow them.
"An order? To accompany me?"
"Yes Ayanami."
"I guess it would be...preferable."
I couldn't help but smile a little, the smile which I only ever want Shinji to see.
No one else is allowed to see my smile.
I glance at the time above the door, and decide it is time to leave.
Without saying a word, I slip past Shinji and head for the stairs.
"Hey, Ayanami, wait!"
I did not hear these words.
I was too busy thinking about the words which I could have said to upset Shinji.
I don't want to upset you Shinji...
We had reached the bottom of the stairs.
I must ask Shinji something. I must see why he burnt his hands to get me out of my entry plug. Why is he so concerned?
I stop, and slightly turn my head.
My mouth begins to open, but I cannot form the words.
So I shut it.
"What is it Ayanami?"
He is still concerned for me.
Ikari is always concerned for me.
Why is he the only one?
"It is...nothing."
I continue to walk, not glancing at Shinji, afraid of the looks he is giving me.
Why did I upset you Shinji...?
I am...sorry.
I am staring at the ground, watching his shadow behind me.
It suddenly stops.
I must face this fear.
I turn to Shinji, and my mouth slowly forms the words..
"Is something wrong Ikari?"
I was staring directly at Shinji, not able to take my eyes off.
You are always concerned for me Shinji.
I will protect you.
But what is this?
Shinji has put his face down, and he is...
Blushing.
I hope I have not caused him any embarrassment, I don't know how I could have.
I must ask.
"Why are you...blushing, Ikari?"
"Its...just a heat stroke...it's nothing, let's continue."
Why are you lying to me Shinji?
Could he have the same feelings for me as I do him?
My hopes are beginning to go down.
Why are you lying Shinji?
Unknown to me, I stopped right in the footpath.
I must ask Shinji why he is lying to me.
My mouth opens...but...
I cannot.
So I close it again.
And continue to walk.
Shinji's presence always makes me happy, but today, I feel different.
I feel fear.
Fear I have upset Shinji.
Why?
Why am I afraid of this?
I...think...
I love him.
I walk into the class and take my seat, and when Shinji is not looking, I am looking at him.
How can I feel this way?
Love?
Is this feeling love?
"Ayanami, Rei?"
"Here, sir."
I'm not sure what this feeling is, in books I have read...this is what they feel when they...
Are in love.
I must be in love with Shinji.
He is always concerned about me.
Not like anybody else.
I must tell him how I feel.
But when?
Today.
After school, I will wait for him.
I will tell Shinji that I...
Love him.
"Ikari, Shinji?"
Shinji is not answering, what is wrong?
I hope it is not anything I have done.
"Shinji, you dummkopf!" yelled Pilot Soryu. The Second Child.
I do not like her.
She is always badmouthing Shinji.
I will protect him.
"Ah, I'm here sir! Sorry."
His voice.
So caring, caring for me.
I love you Shinji.
Shinji turned his head to look at Pilot Soryu, so I turned back to look out the window.
"Hey, Shinji, stop glaring at Ayanami and pay attention, will ya!" shouted one of Shinji's friends, Suzuhara.
The class started laughing.
Why was Shinji looking at me?
Could he possibly share my feelings?
Or maybe he was staring angrily at me.
I sincerely hope not.
Everyone turned to look at me.
I continued to stare out the window, but I could not hide the small blush coming across my face.
Why would I feel...embarrassed...of the possibility of Shinji looking at me, and the class thinking that he might...
Like me?
The final bell has rung.
I will wait for Shinji, and then ask him to come home with me, where I will express these feelings.
But I was surprised to see Shinji approach me.
Before he could speak, I would say what I needed to say.
"Ikari."
"Yes Ayanami?"
"Could you...walk me home. I wish to speak with you."
It was time.
"Of course Ayanami" said an apparently startled Shinji.
I picked my book bag off the floor and headed towards home.
With Shinji.
We are...
Together.
We were walking in an awkward silence, and I silently thanked Shinji when he decided to break it.
"Ayanami, what is it you wish to talk about?"
I was just thinking this myself.
"I wish to be alone to speak with you. When we arrive at my apartment, I will explain."
Now was the time...I must tell Shinji that I love him.
I can see my apartment building now, we are almost there.
I decided to hurry, not knowing how long I would have with Shinji, as I assume he would need to be getting back to Miss. Katsuragi.
Before I knew we were at my apartment door, so I opened the door and went inside, breathing a heavy sigh.
I cannot be nervous, I must tell Shinji how I feel.
I must make him comfortable before I reveal my feelings.
"Please Ikari, sit." As I motioned him to my hospital bed.
"Ikari, I must talk to you about something"
"Anything Ayanami, please tell me".
"I...you...affect me differently than the others. I do not know this feeling I have..."
Now or never...
"Whenever I speak to you, I feel...happy. I think. I'm not sure what happy is. I get a strange feeling in my stomach whenever your around me, whenever you...smile"
It is a feeling of love, I am sure of it.
"When I first met you, in Unit 01's cage, you looked...different. When the Angel broke through and NERV was shook, you came over and expressed concern for me. No-one except the Commander has ever expressed concern for me before. It felt...good.
The next time, when you were here, at my apartment...it felt...a bit queasy. I think."
I remembered this well, unfortunately, as I didn't want Shinji to see me like that. At our age anyway. Would I reveal myself to him of my own free will once we are older?
That is, if he returns my feelings.
"When we defeated the 5th Angel, you came down, and burnt your hands to get into my entry plug. Just like when the Commander got me out of my entry plug when Unit 00's activation test was a failure. Except, he did not express as much concern for me as you did. For the first time...I...smiled."
And I wish to show only you my smile, no-one else.
I wish to show only you my feelings.
Hopefully...
My intimacy for you.
"Rei, I-"
I don't want him to speak just yet, when I am finished he may express what he thinks.
"I am not finished yet Ikari. When you reached out and gave me your hand, the touch made me get this feeling inside. I have read that in similar cases this feeling is..."
The words were having a hard time coming to my mouth.
"Love.
I have that feeling whenever I am near you. I think...
That I love you Shinji."
There, I have done it.
I sincerely hope Shinji returns my feelings...
"I do not want to force my feelings upon you Ikari, if you do not share them, you are free to leave".
I looked at Shinji with concerned eyes.
He began to cry.
He mustn't share my feelings.
I am...
Sad.
"I see. You can go now."
I don't know what I will do.
How can I face Shinji again, if I have told him this and he does not return my feelings?
I have upset him.
I have failed what I most want in my life.
To be with Shinji.
But then he spoke.
"Ayanami...I...I have always been afraid. Of everything. I have always run from anything that could have been good in my life. You are one of those things...but this time, I am not going to run away. I'm not going to leave you Rei. I have always been lonely, and I know that you have as well. What I'm really trying to say is...
I...I love you Rei."