Twelve Frightened Men
by: Countess of the Spires and Topeka Sho-Cai
Disclaimer: If I owned Kingdom Hearts, Marly would wear lilac.
It all started the day that Axel was stalking down a darkened hallway that didn't exist in the nonexistant headquarters of Organization Thirteen. The lighting in this particular hallway was particularly nasty, giving one the impression that they were transversing down a corridor of utter doom, depression, and relative emo-ness.
Distracted briefly from his mission to beat the tar out of Roxas for stealing only one of his chakras, his emerald eyes settled on the eerie swinging motion of a random lightbulb attached to the ceiling. Now, Axel wasn't scared, but it was eerie, as if he were stuck in a gruesome horror movie. He chuckled internally, imagining a werewolf Roxas beating the tar out of him instead.
Scratch. Scratchhhh.
Axel stiffened visibly, switching his focus again to the darkened hallway before him. A silhouette stood there. A mishapened figure, stooped, draped in a traditional Organization cloak. The scratching emminating from the ghastly lump on it's back, seemingly breathing with grotesque irratation in it's larynx.
But wait...that wasn't a lump...it was an ARM!!! Axel squeaked and drew back from the figure, too late to hide his position, the person rounded on him, ARMS outstretched, and a terrible roar resounding from it's mouth.
Should any of the other members been awake at that time (namely Roxas), they would have heard a terrified shriek and a loud thump from beyond their doors.
Axel sat blearily at the kitchen table in the white breakfast/lunch/dinner/get-together room of the headquarters-that-never-were, blinking tearily into his coffee cup. The festive smiley face on its ceramic side didn't help at all. What he had seen last night would never- could never- leave him, and for that he was eternally sorry. . . His poor sheltered mind!
"Ahh!"
Axel's head snapped up, eyes wide, terrified at the prospect of seeing the unholy image again.
Indeed, another disturbing image burned itself into his retinas as his eyes fell upon the form of Marluxia, standing before him at the coffee dispenser- dressed only in a pink long-john shirt and magenta boxers- short, short boxers.
"Ahh!" The spectre tittered again, pulling down at the hems of his shorts, a furious blush stealing across his pale, pale face, "I- I had no idea anyone was in here!!!"
"It's ok," Axel buried his face in his hand, wishing for a spoon or any object to gouge out his eyes with.
The kitchenette door swung inwards with a cheery good-morning as Saix and Roxas entered the room, still in their jammies.
"Hey Axel."
"Hey Roxas."
In the midst of telling Roxas his glorious dream of catching Demyx on fire during a heated DDR competition, and finally winning to be a Dance-Dance Master, a chilling screech rent the morning air.
"OH. MY. GOSH," Saix was standing indignantly before Marluxia, pointing an accusing finger at the Graceful Assassin's attire.
"What?" Axel and Roxas stared, between the two, blankly.
"He- He's wearing the same thing as me!"
Roxas' brain flickered to the fact that the entire organization wore the same uniform constantly, but he didn't trust himself to be the voice of reason in such a situation as this one.
It was fortunate, that before Roxas clammed up entirely inside himself, and before Axel opened his big mouth, that Lexaeus bumbled in, bumped Marly away from the coffee dispenser (unfortunately closer to Saix's murderous glare), and opened his mouth.
"There's no way in the realm that never was that you two are wearing the exact same outfit."
There was a sudden pause in the atmosphere of the room.
"Huh?!"
With a long, drawn out sigh, Lexaeus slowly turned from the refuge of the coffe pot, balefully staring the two fruits down. A heavy hand raised itself before his face and he jabbed it at Marly, who paled.
"He is wearing polyester, Niclone brand, Vertaige boxers without a tag in the shade of primrose. He-"a violent jab at the Organization's number two- "is wearing cotton, Walmart Fruit of the Loom. With a tag. Magenta. And-if I'm not mistaken-is a full two sizes larger than the flower boy here."
One would have thought that the stunned silence was caused by the loss of a pet hamster very suddenly to the neighbor's pet baracuda.
"I don't know if I should be worried or-" Roxas began, wishing that the madness could stop and he could go back to bed.
"Is there something you want to tell us?" Axel managed, inching closer to Roxas, who was inching closer to the door, which looked like a pretty good option right about now.
"I've been around." He said-rather calmly in spite of what he had revealed to the kitchen- and returned to his business at the counter top.
" Er...well...is there...uh, something you want to tell us, Axel?" Marly quickly sought for an escape route of the previous discussion, still pulling awkwardly at his Vertaige boxers.
"Oh! That's right!" He slapped his forehead in his typical Axel-way, realizing that at this moment he was still supposed to be scarred for life from last night's events.
In the manner of schoolboys, Marly and Roxas crowded around their flame-haired speaker. Laxaeus was content to stay blandly in the background, sipping manly black coffee- no sugar, no cream- and Saix had burst from the room in a fit of manly tears.
"So," Axel began, spreading his hands before his listeners in that 'I'm-going-to-tell-you-a-ghost-story-that-will-make-you-wet-your-pants' way, "I was on my way to kill Roxas last night for stealing my chakra-"
"I said I was sorry-"
"SILENCE! Anyway, I was on my way to murder Roxas and to paint his bedroom crimson with his own innards when, behold, a shadow at the end of the hallway. I paused, watching, waiting with bated breath."
Marly's eyes had swollen to the size tennis balls (that didn't exist in the land that never was). Roxas just stared- aghast at the fate that he had narrowly escaped from.
"It hunched, its gruesome figure almost too much for my virgin eyes-"
"Pfft. . . Virgin eyes," Marly rolled his own eyes at Roxas who blinked, unsure of the meaning.
Axel glowered, determined to make Marly a future prop for his story, or, at least, to make sure he wet his Ver- whatever boxers, "It was moving, something, somewhere. I waited, I waited. AT LAST!"
A certain someone almost jumped out of his panties.
"Behold, an arm. Up, down, up, down, up- It was like the sound that a swing makes in the dead of night, when no one's around to hear it. Or, akin to the sound of something heavy on the end of a meat hook, swinging, swinginggggg. . ." He wiggled creepy-crawly fingers at the Graceful Assassin, who blinked tearfully.
"GET ON WITH IT!!!" Roxas huffed, tossing a piece of Life cereal at him.
"Fine," Axel glowered, a bit pouty, "It was Larxene."
The two blinked.
"Scratching her butt."
A bigger blink. It was still registering.
"Then she belched. Loud enough to render me unconcious."
In the middle of yet another synchronized blink, both Marly and Roxas engaged in synchronized screaming.
"MY INNER EYES!!" Marly ran blindly to the sink, where he picked up a piece of soap and scooped at his eyes with it.
"GAAAHHH!!!" Roxas chucked the box of Life cereal at Axel's head, then fell to the floor on all fours, and scampered under the table, where he sat wimpering and tearing at his flaxen hair.
Looking from the boy under the table rocking back and forth, to the fruit at the sink with soap foam streaming from the corners of his eyes, Lexaeus shook his head sadly, "Someone needs to make a woman out of that woman."
"Who," Axel cocked his head, truely puzzled, "You?"
Lexaeus shrugged, "Maybe."
A fresh cacophony of male screamage tore from the breakfast room as Lexaeus exited through it's cheerful swinging door, Axel's voice now prominent amongst the clamour.
"You know, he's right," Roxas finally managed from where he hid several hours later.
"What?"
"Someone needs to teach Larxene to be a proper lady," Marly assented, "I mean, she's always around us men-"
A pair of snickers.
"It's truely no wonder that she scratches her rump, and belches, and picks her nose, and smacks her lips when she eats, and-"
"Yes, yes," Axel held up a hand, and held the other over his mouth, nauseous.
"- It really is a wonder that her fashion sense hasn't improved, though. I for one am the most-"
"WE KNOW," Roxas hid his face in his knees.