Writer: Wen
Summary : After 4x21 (and before 4x22), Dean ponders on what Sam did.
Category against
Disclaimer I don't own supernatural blah blah blah
Writer's remarks: It's my first Supernatural fanfiction. I used to write X-Men ones, but stop writing a long while ago, because of a total lack of inspiration. But after seeing some parts of season four, I couldn't help but write these little thoughts.
Sorry for the mistakes, I'm French, and I wrote this in a train, from Paris, directly in English.
I wrote it just after "when the levee breaks", but it took time to be corrected.
Thanks to Pinkchick for the correction ;)
So, good reading, tell me what you think!
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After all he had done for him, sacrificing a part of his childhood, his dreams, for his sake and his safety when their father wasn't there, how could Sammy do this to him? Choosing a demon over him, his own brother. They were hunters, they knew how to deal with the supernatural beings. Sam should know that Ruby wasn't feeding him with demon's blood without a reason, without a personal goal. A demon, damn it. Sam would rather trust a demon than him. Dean, who had gone to hell for him, who had been and had tortured for forty years. Sam had told Dean that he didn't know him, never had and never will; but did Sam only know himself?
God, it hurt. Even more than the kicks.
Sam had lied to him, for months, since his return from hell. How could his little Sammy have changed so much? Dean could understand that his violent death and the knowledge of where he was, in hell, had been hard to cope with. Damned, if he had been in his place he didn't know if he would have dealt with Sam's death. Actually, Dean knew he wouldn't have, he had experimented with that already. Dean had always been loyal to his family and, overall since the pit, he was surviving for it, for his little brother who he had promised to protect years ago. Without anything left, why would he live? His memories from hell, his culpability were yet slowly killing him. Would he have the strength to be the "angel's bitch"? To save a world he didn't want to live in?
Dean the altruist, yeah right. Maybe he had been, maybe he still was. But damn it, he was tired, he was so fucking tired of all this. His mother's death, Sam leaving him, then his father leaving him. Jessica's Death, his father's one by giving his soul to save his life. Jim and Caleb's deaths and all the other ones (weren't they rightful too?). Sam's death, the deal, Sam's return, his own death, his forty years of suffering, his come back. The apocalypse, having to torture again, Alastair's revelation, the hospital, Castiel's explanation, the change of the angel. His brother, his face covered with fresh demon blood, the panic room, Sam's evasion, their fight….
The worst of what happened in the hotel room wasn't that Sam had hit and fought with him; Dean hadn't exactly been soft answering back and it was far from the first time they fought each other. But Sam had tried to kill him without being possessed or bewitched. Sammy had fucking tried to strangle him, squeezing until he didn't have any air left in his lungs, as Alastair had done just some weeks before. Dean had seen hate in Sam's eyes, hate and a will to kill, even a kind of satisfaction. His own little brother….
Well, Dean had told him that he was becoming a monster, but what could he say? Dean was just trying to help Sam, but he let his anger at the situation get the better of him. Hadn't he had to promise Sam a couple of years ago that he would swear to kill him if he became a monster? After Meg had possessed him and that he had shoot him ? Dean had promised.
He loved his baby brother, he had practically raised him and he would die again right now for him, without hesitation. But, like he said to Bobby, he would rather see Sam die as a human, than as a monster, than having to hunt him. Maybe it was cowardly and selfish. He didn't know what to think anymore.
Why did everything seem to have collapsed in his life lately? Castiel had changed, coming back to his old angel emotionless self. Sam had developed his powers (despite his promises to Dean before his death), until he could kill Alastair with his own mind. And he had started to be dependent on demon blood. Dean had learned that his "weakness" had broken the first seal of the apocalypse. He had sworn to the Angels and God to serve them, sacrificing himself again, for the sake of his brother. The same brother who had tried to kill him and to whom he had repeated the same words their father had the night Sam had left for Stanford : "You walk out that door, don't you ever come back."
Now he was waiting alone for a sign from the angels, not even knowing how Sam would react to him if they crossed on the battle field. Would he try again to kill him? And if so, would Dean bother to stop him? He didn't think so.
Well, maybe Sam was right, maybe he was weak, or maybe Sam was his weak spot. But he thought that after all he went through, he had the right to be.
The end