In The Rain

by F Maniac

Faye is lost and alone, post series. Someone in particular constantly occupies her thoughts. Some strong language. Songfic for Led Zeppelin's Fool in the Rain.

Disclaimer: I do not own Cowboy Bebop or any of the characters found within the series.

The lyrics are from Led Zeppelin's "Fool in the Rain." If you don't know the song, go listen to it. If you don't know the band, you have my sympathy.

….In the Rain

Faye stood on the corner of the city street as she had been doing for more days than she could count, just as she had been doing since…well, since he had left for the last time—since she had been left alone once again. She had been more or less alone, certainly lonely, during most of the life that she could remember. It had made her tough, inwardly and outwardly, even if it had left her feeling unsatisfied and cynical. But these new feelings of terrifying loneliness, despair, that her emotions had been ripped from her body, mutilated, and smashed into oblivion, were unlike anything she had felt before.

She had tried to get him to stay. She really had. She had dropped all of the pretensions that she normally employed when dealing with him. For once, she had let herself be open, vulnerable, tears in her eyes. She had pleaded with him, done everything short of shooting him in the back. When he had begun walking away for that last time, she had wanted to, rather than letting him trudge off willingly to his own death. But she new that she couldn't do it, and so did he, to her frustration and anger. And that's how it always was with him. Once he had made up his mind, there was nothing anybody could do to change it. And he would saunter off, hands in his pockets, as though he didn't have a care in the goddamn world.

He was gone, the selfish bastard. Arrogant, smug bastard. He was gone, and she'd never had the courage to tell him anything. She thought over those last few days before he'd left—she'd gone to find her childhood home, happened to meet the dangerous Julia—she couldn't even bring herself to say his name out loud. And now he was gone forever, and she'd never had the courage to tell him anything.

Oh, baby
Well, there's a light in your eye that keeps shinin'
like a star that can't wait for night
I hate to think I've been blinded, baby
Why can't I see you tonight
And the warmth of your smile starts a-burnin'
and the thrill of your touch gives me fright
and I'm shakin' so much, really yearnin'
Why don'cha show up and make it alright, yeah, that's alright

"Look at my eyes," he'd said during that last conversation, leaning in towards her so that his face was mere centimeters away from hers. It had taken all of the will power that she could summon at that moment to not throw her arms around his neck and hold on as tightly as she could. He had no idea how it made her feel when he would look directly into her eyes. How she felt every time he had touched her, accidental or not. She'd done her best to never let on that anything was out of the ordinary. She often wondered whether she'd actually succeeded or not, whether he'd actually picked up on anything. He probably had, not that he'd actually say anything. It would have been enough for him just to know, and then saunter off, smirking the way only he knew how. The way he'd known how…past tense, of course.

It hadn't taken Faye long to realize that his attitude was his way of dealing with his past, his troubles, the meaninglessness that each of the members of the Bebop felt in their own ways, the miserable rut that all of their lives had seemed to be in, the things he knew that he'd have to do to get by. They had been far more alike than she'd ever care to admit to herself.

And if you promised your love so completely
and you said you would always be true
You swore that you never would leave me, baby
Whatever happened to you

But he was gone, it was over, there was nothing left for her. She only felt dead inside. Like she was watching a miserable dream that would never end. And she knew now what he'd felt, but he'd left just when she'd finally found a place that she considered a home, with people that she….cared about. Heh.

"I'm not going there to die. I'm going there to find out if I really ever was alive."

What a bunch of bullshit. But you did die. You said you weren't going there to die. You ignored what I'd said, and you left. You left me here alone, you fucking jerk. She felt tears begin to form in her eyes as she replayed the incident in her head.

and you thought it was only in you
as you wished all your dreams would come true, hey
It ain't the first time, believe me, m-baby
I'm standin' here feelin' blue, blue, ha, feelin' blue, now

He was all that she thought about: she would hear his voice in her head, see his face in crowds wherever she went. He was the lone subject of her dreams every night, and she hated it.

Now, I will stand in the rain on the corner
I'll watch the people go shufflin' downtown
Another ten minutes, no longer
and then I'm turnin' around, 'round
and the clock on the wall's movin' slower
Oh, my heart, it sinks to the ground
and the storm that I thought would blow over
clouds the light of the love that I found

A light rain had begun falling several minutes ago, but she hardly took any notice of it. And so there she stood smoking a cigarette in the rain, on a street corner of nameless some city. They were all the same; she hardly took notice of her surroundings anymore. Everywhere she went, she felt she was watching some maddeningly pointless movie in which the participants were utterly oblivious to herself and to each other, while she was lost in her own recollections. The outer world was a soundless blur. The same pieces of events would play continuously in her head, the same pieces of conversations that she knew she could never rid herself of. And, as usual, fragments of past events passed through her mind—sitting with him on the Bebop after his first fight with Vicious, humming to herself and playing solitaire; waking up in that awful room with all of the TVs, to find him sitting there, smoking a cigarette and smiling vaguely down at her; standing with him on the deck of the Bebop, having a cup of coffee and a smoke as the sun went down, not saying anything because nothing needed to be said.

Jet, for his part, had left her well enough alone. They hardly spoken to each other

at all, and when they did, it was only a mumbled "hello," or a "yes" or "no." When Faye couldn't manage that much, she would vaguely nod or shake her head in answer to Jet's questions. She could tell that he knew exactly what she was going through. Despite his gruff exterior, Jet was actually quite perceptive—he picked up on far more than he let on, and he deserved credit for that.

Hand of the clock
well, it just don't seem to stop when I'm thinking it over
Woo, time is alive and I just don't wanna be fined
Gotta get away, get away
Whoa, I see you in my dream
but I just don't see you with me
I've gotta get home, gotta get home, gotta get home
I've gotta get ohh, home

And this was how it always went. She would walk dazedly into a bar, sit down, and order a drink. Sometimes she would drink it quickly and sit there for hours, staring off into space. Sometimes she would sit there and stare at her drink, eyes open but unseeing. And then she would go outside onto the street, and watch the people walking past her as they went about their miserable, pointless lives.

How long had she been standing here today? A few minutes? A few hours? And how long had she been doing this? Days? Weeks? Months? It didn't matter. Time meant nothing to her; every day was the same.

She was tired. She wanted the torment to stop. She took a drag of her cigarette, closed her eyes and exhaled slowly, wishing the images in her mind would stop but knowing that they wouldn't. Another image, more of the same—the pain of seeing his smirking face almost caused her body to jerk physically, sending tingling sensations through her torso, down her arms and legs to her fingertips and toes. Grimacing, she slowly opened her eyes, knowing exactly what she would see—her continuous bad dream. But then her entire body froze because something had caught her eye. The flash of a blue suit jacket, a mass of unruly hair on the periphery of her vision, moving quickly away through the crowd. This was nothing new, either. How many times had she thought she had seen him wandering through the streets?

I am hallucinating. I am going crazy, and it's your fault, you bastard.

She knew how it would end, but it was as if she had no control over her body. The half-smoked cigarette fell from her hand and her legs began moving, forcing her to follow. She would catch glimpses of this phantasm through this mass of people, but each time it was farther and farther away.

Please don't do this to me again. Please….

She only wanted to rest, to sleep without dreaming. She knew it wasn't real, but she followed anyway. Knowing that she would never catch up to him, she began running, barely acknowledging the people that she ran into or shoved aside.

And I'll run in the rain 'till I'm breathless
When I'm breathless, I'll run 'till I drop, hey
The thoughts of a fool's kinda careless
I'm just a fool waitin' on the wrong block

"Spike…." she muttered under her breath. The rain began falling harder, and she began running faster, following the retreating image around corner after corner.

"Spike!"

Goddamnit, he wasn't real. None of this was. Why did she keep doing this to herself? Her lungs burned, her legs ached, but she was actually catching up to whomever….whatever….it was. She felt the tears in her eyes starting to intensify, blinding her, but she couldn't stop.

It's not real. Why is this happening to me? She couldn't allow him to get away again although the end result was always the same. It had happened so many times before and it would happen again. But she was gaining on him; again, she was so close, and then he disappeared around another corner.

It's all a dream.

"SPIKE!" she screamed at the top of her lungs, as loudly as she could under the circumstances. She finally made it around the corner, but stopped because he had disappeared once again. She leaned a hand against the building, slightly hunched over. She was breathing hard, half-blinded by tears, frantically searching the crowd for any sign of his lanky figure. There was none—she knew he'd be gone once she had gotten close enough. "Shit…" she managed to choke out through her tears. She wiped at her eyes with her left hand, trying to catch her breath. And then she froze, another tingling jolt hitting her right in the chest and immediately spreading throughout her body—the sort of jolt that hits a person when they've narrowly missed being in a car accident.

The crowd had cleared, and suddenly there he was, leaning against the same wall, not thirty feet away. He had just lit a cigarette. Head slightly bowed, left hand in his pocket, eyes half closed…and smirking as always.

It's just a dream.

She didn't know how long she stood there. A full minute, maybe two, maybe more. Hours and hours.

She was able to use her legs again, and she sprinted across the remaining distance, stopping only a few feet from where he was standing. As she slowed to a stop, he turned towards her and looked her directly in the eyes. He was smirking, but there was no cynicism in his look. She stood there looking directly back at him. Eternities passed.

This cannot be happening.

Ooh, now, my body is startin' to quiver
and the palms of my hands gettin' wet, oh
I got no reason to doubt you, baby
It's all a terrible mess

Eventually she closed her eyes. She had really started crying, her body shaking uncontrollably as her tears mixed with the rain and ran down her face. Her arms were straight down at her sides, hands clenched tightly into fists. A thousand conflicting thoughts assaulted her brain. Why doesn't he say anything? she screamed into her own mind. She didn't want to open her eyes. She couldn't. She knew he would vanish if she did.

"How….did you know….that I was here?" she finally managed in a shaky voice.

"Jet told me where you were," he responded. His voice was soft, deep, and maddeningly calm. She began shaking even more. She still hadn't opened her eyes. She gritted her teeth.

THIS IS NOT REAL. I will open my eyes and you will not be here.

"Faye…."

"You son of a bitch." Her voice was barely audible. She wanted to hit him, to pummel him with her fists, yet she knew that she wouldn't, that she couldn't. "You fucking bastard."

He still didn't say anything. She finally did open her eyes. It was hard to see clearly between the tears and the rain that was dripping into her eyes…and yet, he hadn't disappeared. He was still standing there, two feet in front of her, smirking down at her. The next thing she knew she was falling towards him, wrapping her arms around him. She buried her face in his chest, the tears continuing to flow from her eyes, felt his long arms closing around her. It was the warmest embrace, the most cathartic release that she had ever felt. They stood there, in there rain, ignoring everything around them. She didn't know for how long they stood there, but it didn't matter. She didn't ever want to move again.

This is my dream, my life. If there is some other life, some other reality, I never want to wake up.

Light of the love that I found
Light of the love that I found

SEE YOU, SPACE COWBOY….