I haven't written any fan fic in almost a year so I am a bit rusty. I hope this is OK.
Earth. London, 1888.
Twas the night before Christmas when all through the TARDIS
Not a creature was stirring, not even a...
Sexy stopped trying to think of a word that rhymed with TARDIS and wished instead that she had a mouth back to frown with. Something was pulling and tugging at her mechanical heart. The last time that had happened House had... but no. House was dead wasn't he? Dispersed.
The coordinates were wrong. She was no longer taking The Doctor where he needed to go (Victorian England and to a certain lady with the last name of Oswin). The years flew by and the time vortex narrowed.
What the hell was going on?
The 19th century whizzed by, the 21st... 22nd... 31st... 40th... 47th... 51st...
Bump. Clunk. Cla-lunk.
51st century it was.
But why? Sexy wondered.
Her screen revved up as if of its own accord.
"Hello sweetie."
Pelsan. Prison Compound 451, 5190.
It was the night before Christmas and it was freezing outside. River sat shivering in her compound and hoped to whatever gods existed in the universe that the second-hand machinery she had scrounged for would work.
She gazed at the falling snow and tried not to feel sorry for herself. Archaeology was a lonely profession. It seemed plagued with vague academic types and pretentious families rolling in old money. They had a vested interest in rediscovering old history so to speak. It made things difficult.
But even that made River smile. If only they knew of River's own history. It would capsize a few of the best brains in the business.
Her smile broadened. There was a whirring noise coming from the centre of her room.
Earlier that day...
Tallera. Market Square, 3162.
"A honing beacon," the shop keeper said, displaying a gap toothed smile. "Summons anything and everything towards you. Load of rubbish of course, but such an interesting artefact, don't you think, Doctor Song?"
"Oh riveting." River flashed a cheeky grin. "I'll buy it."
"Can't say I'm surprised. You archaeologist's are all the same."
"My dear lady," River laughed. "You know that when it comes to me that is absolutely not true."
The shopkeeper grinned too.
"I know it intimately."
"Flirt!"
"You started it. Take the thing for free. It's practically Christmas. And no – it's not just because you have a pretty face so don't get any ideas for the New Year."
"Of course not, Madame Bovan."
"Of course not," Madame mimicked back. There was a hint of malice in her expression.
River tried not to think about the time she had convinced Madame to part with half of the store supplies in exchange for a kiss. River had only just managed to escape the market square in one piece. Well. It hadn't exactly been stealing. She had only used a little bit of hallucegenic lipstick. Madame couldn't cop a good con. Tartar.
With a terse nod and a merry Christmas, River picked up the device, scurrying back into the market crowd before Madame Bovan could change her mind and cry theft. What a nightmare the woman was. And yet so much fun. River tossed the voice enhancer she had filched when Bovan wasn't looking from hand to hand.
With a grin of satisfaction, she set the coordinates of her vortex manipulator and arrived back in her compound room. Military grade. Her jailors loved keeping an eye on her.
"Merry Christmas," she said to herself ruefully as one strolled past scowling at her.
"Tricksy," he muttered.
She ignored him and began to pull the honing beacon apart. Forty minutes later she had reconfigured the wires and sent a message to an old friend.
Pelsan. Prison Compound 451, 5190.
It was The Doctor's first Christmas since the Pond's had been stuck in 1930's New York. He was still moping.
Get a new companion. It was all very well for Amy to tell him so in a book coda. It was all very well for River to insist on the same thing.
River.
The very thought of her set off a catalogue of injustices.
The Doctor ticked them off on his fingers.
Knowing so much about the Pond's and not telling him. Being able to still visit them when he couldn't. And he hadn't heard a peep out of her since. Bitch.
Leaving him all alone for Christmas. It was fine for her to tell him to branch out and meet new people, but they weren't exactly his own wife were they.
Honestly. Infuriating woman. And entirely too sexy for her own good...
"Just you and me, eh," he said to the TARDIS console. He stroked it. "We don't need anyone..."
-Who are you kidding?- the TARDIS sounded in his head.
-Stop feeling so sorry for yourself. It's embarrassing. Haven't you learnt anything from-
"Oh fine. Not you too."
The Doctor stomped off without even stopping to wonder why he could hear the TARDIS in his head. He also didn't double check the TARDIS coordinates.
Sloppy, Sexy thought, I wonder how long it will take him to figure it out. I should have guessed that a daughter of the TARDIS and the doctor's wife...
She felt something click into the control area.
-Oh really River? Next time try for a simple request. A please wouldn't go astray... –
"You'll forgive me," River said. "Much more of The Doctor like this and you would have gotten a permanent diagnosis of whatever time machines call insanity."
-Time going slowly and in the correct order-
"Of course. Aren't you glad that I came along," River said brightly.
The TARDIS wished for the second time that day that she had a mouth. This time to sigh with. There was just no arguing with some people...
The Doctor popped on a Christmas cd. The most awful one he could fine. Christmas pop boy band. He didn't mind if he listened. Why not?
Oh God. Rapping 'All I want for Christmas.' Really? Now that should be against the laws of the universe or something, he thought.
Ah Silent Night. Something he could get really melancholy listening to. He began to tap his fingers to the beat.
Silent night, holy night. All is calm. All is bright.
Except that it wasn't.
The Doctor could hear the tap tap of high heels along the corridor to his music room.
"But the TARDIS hasn't stopped," he said conversationally to the air.
"Honey I'm home," rang down the hallway.
The Doctor made a face and wished he could find something to childishly throw. There was nothing but the cd player.
Shame.
He reached out a hand to pick up the player when BANG.
He bounced backwards and shook his hand. He could have sworn that the tips of his fingers were smoking.
"What in the name of sanity was that drivel?" River demanded, still wielding a gun at The Doctor's now deceased cd player.
"Careful, River," said The Doctor glaring.
He hoped that his expression was forbidding and impressive as he spun around to face his wife.
"It was The Wanted if you must know. All the rage in London 2012 and I was enjoying them."
"Like hell you were," River muttered. "They were murdering that carol."
"Now listen here- what do you think you're doing..."
River stepped forward and wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing him, allowing him no time to protest with a breath of air.
"...doing here," he finished lamely when she finally pulled away.
"Spending time with my husband."
River's red lips glistened and The Doctor suddenly found it hard to concentrate on questioning.
"But how did you-"
"I hijacked the TARDIS. Slept with a lady in Tallera, 51st C. Had a soft spot for archaeologist's and time machine bits and bobs and she's been one for favours ever since. "
"You hijacked my TARDIS. My TARDIS?"
"I commanded her that I was where she needed to go."
"But I would have-"
"Noticed? I sent a message. You must have missed it whilst ineffectually moping after Mum and Dad."
The Doctor stiffened.
"Where the hell have you been? How dare you? How dare you come here, hijacking my TARDIS! You wouldn't stay with me."
To his irritation, River threw back her head and laughed.
"Aww. I didn't do what you wanted me to do. But everyone always does what The Doctor asks."
"I mean what's the point," The Doctor asked gesticulating wildly. "What's the point of getting married, River?"
She raised an eyebrow.
"Indeed," she said and slapped him.
"What was that for?"
"Next time don't wait for me to get worried and come find you. The TARDIS takes you where you need to go, yes, but don't tell me you can't choose."
"But you abandoned me."
"Oh please."
-You're giving me a headache- The TARDIS said. –Stop bickering-
River glared harder.
"You've upset the TARDIS."
The Doctor wasn't listening. Instead, he was spinning around gleefully.
"I can hear her. I can hear Sexy."
"You only just noticed? It was a Christmas present. Not that you deserved one."
"River!"
"Yes- I reconfigured a stolen voice enhancer and connected her up. Don't thank me or anything. Next time, try to remember your loved ones at Christmas. I thought that the Pond's had finally gotten that through your thick skull."
The Doctor had the decency to look contrite.
"Why don't we go cook up a Christmas storm and do whatever it is couples do at Christmas," River said relenting. He was wearing his adorable face.
"Erm right," The Doctor said.
"And make out all night."
"River!"
Well we are married. Besides, you love me being so arch."
"Shut-up."
"Never, darling."
"Well then. I get to choose what we bake."
"Christmas puddings? Roast turkey? Mulled wine? All of the above?"
"No, no and no," The Doctor said rubbing his hands together. "I was thinking of something more along the lines of a soufflé."
He glanced at River, gauging for a reaction.
"What? Hardly Christmassy. What put the idea into your head?"
The Doctor looked puzzled but then he shrugged as he tapped River on the nose.
"New mystery. Never you mind."
"Doctor!"
"Consider it revenge."
"Honestly. So Childish."
The Doctor put an arm around her waist.
"You love it."
"You can't even imagine how much," River said.
She nuzzled his ear.
"Suddenly Christmas is looking up," The Doctor said to nobody in particular.
-Thank time and space for that- the TARDIS sounded in both their ears.
"Shut-up," The Doctor and River said in unison.
"I'll get River to take my present back," The Doctor said.
"I'll get a refund," River said.
They were met with dead silence. Snow began to fall.
"I didn't ask for snow," River snapped. "I asked for mistletoe."
-We can't get everything we want- the TARDIS said smugly. –And that will teach you to get cocky with me. Jamming my systems with that spanner. Please.-
The Doctor laughed but managed to control himself when River whipped her gun out again.
The snow continued to fall.
-Well?-
"Sorry," River said sheepishly.
-Doctor?-
"Sorry for being so moody, Sexy."
The snow stopped. The edges of the TARDIS walls bloomed with mistletoe.
-Then go have fun kids.-