October 2003
BPOV
"How long are we going to do this Bella?" Edward asked me as he turned to face me on the couch. He reached for the remote, pausing the DVD we were watching.
"What do you mean Edward?" I asked.
"How long are we going to try to keep this relationship going long distance? Eventually we're going to have to live in the same city if we ever want to take things to the next level. You either need to move, and soon, or we need to consider that it's time for us to call it quits."
"I do want us to be together," I started, "but I'm just not sure this is the right time. I mean, I don't have a job there. Does it make sense to give up my full time job here if I don't have one to go to….."
"Enough with the excuses Bella! We can't do this anymore," he replied, cutting me off. "We can't continue to live half a country apart. You agreed that once I was settled in this new job you would move. It's been over a year and we haven't even talked about it. It's obviously not a step you're willing to take, so I'm sorry, but we need to end it."
"But….." I started.
Edward interrupted me again, saying "I'm sorry, Bella, I just can't," before dropping my hand and walking quickly out the door."
I stared at the door in disbelief. Did he really just break up with me? We weren't even going to discuss this? My eyes filled with tears and I crumpled to the floor as I began to sob. I wasn't ready to move yet. The whole idea of giving up my life here in Forks terrified me. But did the thought of losing Edward terrify me even more?
I wasn't sure how long I lay on the ground before I finally got up and wiped the tears from my eyes. I needed to be sure that I was doing the right thing. If there was a chance for Edward and I to work things out, I needed to decide what I was willing to do to make that happen. I decided to call my best friend Alice. I needed some really good advice right now, and Alice always knew just what do say.
When I heard Alice's voice I started to cry again. Between sobs I haltingly told Alice what had just happened; she immediately agreed to come over. I sagged with relief when I finally heard her come through the front door.
"Oh Bella," cried Alice, throwing her arms around me in a giant hug. I stayed silent for a while, letting the comfort of my best friend wash over me.
"It hurts so much Alice. I don't know how to be without Edward. He's been everything to me since we were 16. I love him so much." I dropped my head into my hands, trying to stop crying. "How could he just give up on everything we have?"
"Listen Bella, I know the idea of moving is scary. And God knows I would miss you like crazy. But, I know how much you love Edward. Don't let fear rule your life. Do you really want to look back 50 years from now and wonder what would have happened if you'd moved to be with Edward?" Alice pulled my hands away from my face, forcing me to look at her. "Maybe it's the right thing to do, maybe it isn't. But you'll never know unless you just do it. You can always come back if you decide it's not what you want."
"I don't even know if that's what he wants anymore Al," I mumbled. "What if that was just an excuse to break up with me? What if he really doesn't love me anymore?"
"There's only one way you're going to know Bells. You have to talk to him."
I knew that Alice was right. I had to talk to Edward. If there was any chance that I could save our relationship I knew I had to do it. I put my hand out, and Alice placed the phone in it. I quickly dialed Edward's number before I lost my nerve. He hesitantly agreed to meet me for breakfast the next morning.
I tossed and turned in bed all night, trying to figure out what I would say to Edward the next morning. I hoped I was making the right decision. Edward was asking me to give up a lot, but I was positive he was worth it. Once we were together in the same city, we would finally be able to start our lives together. We could get married, start a family. The thought that Edward might refuse me was beyond scary. I quickly pushed that idea out of my head; it wasn't something I could deal with right now. Every time I started to chicken out, I thought about Alice's words. I didn't want to live with the regret of what might have been.
The next morning I was already seated at the diner when Edward walked in. My breath caught in my throat at the side of him. I loved him so much. Tears burned in the back of my throat, but I quickly shook them off. I'd never get through this if I started crying now. Just as I pulled myself together, Edward slid into the booth across from me. I looked nervously into his eyes, and was shocked by what I saw. Clearly Edward was as upset about this as I was. He eyes were bloodshot with dark circles underneath them. His hair was a mess, like he'd been running his fingers through it all night.
"Edward…." my voice cracked, and I took a deep breath before I continued. I still wasn't quite ready to speak, so I took a sip of water. It gave me a minute to collect myself. "I can't lose you. I just can't. I love you so much. If you still want me….if you still want me to move, I'll do it. I'll move to Chicago with you."
He looked at me for the longest time, not saying a word. My stomach sank and I was sure I was going to throw up. This was obviously a mistake. I needed to get out of here before I started to cry. As I moved to slide out of the booth, Edward's hand shot out and grabbed hold of my wrist.
"Don't go."
"What?" I whispered.
"I don't want you to go," he said. "You're really agreeing to move?"
"I really am," I replied tearfully.
"Are you sure about this B?" asked Edward. "I don't want you to get there and regret your decision. I should probably tell you this is a bad idea and just let you move on. Truthfully, when I gave you that ultimatum, I was just using it as an easy way to end things between us. I thought breaking up was the only way to move on. I never thought you'd agree to it."
"Of course I'm sure. I love you and I'm doing this for us. When do you want me there?"
"Are you kidding me? How soon can you get there?" Edward laughed as he leaned across the table to kiss me. "Why don't you come in January? I'll be home for Christmas and we can drive back together at the end of my vacation. That'll give you time to settle everything here."
"That sounds perfect. I can't believe this is happening. That we're finally going to be together. I should never have waited this long. I'm so sorry Edward. I love you so much." I slid out of my side of the booth and moved to sit next to him. Edward put his arms around me and kissed me long and hard.
We spent the next hour laughing and kissing as we planned our new life together. It hurt me to think that I had almost destroyed our relationship with my fear of change and the unknown. Edward was my soul mate. I knew things would be hard at first, but we loved each other enough to make it work.
May 2004
BPOV
I looked at the clock for what seemed like the hundredth time. And once again, it was only a few minutes later than the last time I looked. Where was he? The wait was starting to get to me, and I could feel myself getting more and more agitated with each passing second.
Of course, it didn't take much to get me worked up these days. It seemed like nothing in my life was turning out the way I thought it would. Four months ago I'd uprooted my entire life and moved half way across the country to be with my high-school sweetheart. After eight years together, most of them long-distance, we were finally living together.
Instead of the joy I thought I would be feeling, all I could feel was defeated. I was working in a job I hated. I had no money, I had no friends, and things with Edward weren't working out they way I thought they would. We spent most of our time at home on the couch because Edward refused to show me around my new hometown. Our relationship was definitely feeling the strain. After so many years together, I assumed the next step for us would be getting engaged. Not so. Instead, I constantly felt like I was auditioning for the role of Mrs. Cullen, and I never quite lived up to expectations.
Tonight was the last straw. When Edward had left early this morning with his friend James, he told me he'd be home by mid-afternoon at the latest. Now it was 6:30 and I hadn't heard a word from Edward all day. Since we had argued about it recently, I didn't want to eat supper without him. I didn't mind the fact that he was still out. What I minded was the total lack of respect he was showing me by not letting me calling to let me know he'd be late.
Finally I couldn't wait any longer. Not in the mood to cook anything for myself, I drove over to the mall and picked up some take-out. I came home with supper for one, and sat down in front of the tv. When I finished eating and there was still no word from Edward, something inside of me snapped. I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't live with someone who didn't seem to realize he didn't live alone anymore. I was supposed to be a part of his life, and instead I constantly felt like I was on the sidelines.
I longed for the days when Edward made me feel like I was the most important part of his life. Even though it was hard to have a long-distance relationship, we'd always found a way to make it work for us. Edward called me as often as he could. Sometimes he only had time for a quick hello, but knowing he was thinking about me made me feel cherished. Now here we were, finally living together, and it felt like there was more distance between us than ever. Where was the romantic man I had loved for so long? I let my mind wander back over all the special moments we had shared over the years, lingering on one memory in particular.
I was in college working towards a degree in English Literature, and working part time at the library. Edward had already moved away for work. It was November, and Edward and I hadn't seen each other since August. It would be Christmas before Edward would be able to come home for another visit. We were both busy with work and school, so finding time for phone calls had been hard. Then one day at work, my coworker Lauren tapped my on the shoulder and let me know I had a phone call.
"Hello?"
"Hi Baby," crooned Edward. "I know you're working, but I just had to hear your voice."
Edward had never called me at work before, but I was so excited to talk to him that I didn't even take the time to question it.
"Oh Edward," I breathed, "I miss you so much."
"I miss you too Bella. I know you can't really talk now. I just wanted to know what time you'll be home from work today."
"I work until 5, so I'll be home around 5:30. Why"
"I just wanted to make sure we had time to talk today. I'll call you at 5:30 so we can really talk," he replied.
"It's a date!" I answered. "I love you."
"I love you too Bella. Talk to you soon."
True to his word, Edward called my cell phone as I was walking up the stairs to my apartment after work that afternoon. As I let myself in the front door and moved into my bedroom to change, I chatted to Edward, filling him in on my day. Suddenly, I heard a knock on the door.
"There's someone at the door," I told Edward as I moved through the apartment with my cell phone still pressed to my ear.
"You better see who it is. I'll wait."
I yanked open my front door and was shocked by the sight before me. There was my handsome, romantic boyfriend standing on my doorstep. In one hand his cell phone was still up to one ear, in the other was a dozen red roses. I hung up my cell phone in a stupor, and jumped into Edward's embrace.
"What are you doing here?" I asked, pulling back to look at him.
"I couldn't wait until Christmas to see you. I managed to get a few days off, and here I am."
I was so overwhelmed I couldn't put into words how happy I was to see him. Instead, I reached up and pressed my lips to his, letting my kiss say what words could not. He walked me backwards into the apartment, kicking the door shut with his foot. His lips didn't leave mine the whole time. Finally we reached the couch and sat as close to each other as possible. We continued to kiss, his hands roaming all over my body frantically, as if he couldn't decide which part of me to linger on.
"I can't believe you're really here Edward," I said, finally dragging my lips from his.
"I would do anything for you Bella," he murmured. "And that includes travelling halfway across the country just to spend two days with you. Don't you know you're the most important thing in my life?"
He kissed me again, and I couldn't help sighing contentedly. Could Edward possibly be more wonderful? How did I get so lucky?
Shaking off the memories of happier times, I knew what I had to do. Moving quickly into the bedroom I picked up the phone and dialed quickly. I had to do this now, before I changed my mind.
"Mom," I sobbed as soon as she picked up the phone. "I want to come home. I can't do this anymore."
"Oh Bella," she soothed, "are you sure this is what you want?"
"I'm positive, Mom. I can't be here anymore. Please. I just want to come home. Can I stay with you til I figure things out?"
Through my tears, I managed to tell my mother what had happened that day. I didn't stop there. I unleashed it all; everything that had been making me so unhappy for so long all came pouring out of me. When I finally finished, I took a deep breath and said to my mother once more "I want to come home."
This was not a decision I made lightly. Edward and I had been together for eight years, and we had made it through some pretty tough times. I always thought our love would be strong enough to see us through anything. I knew I still loved him with all my heart, but maybe he no longer felt the same about me. Maybe he simply didn't love me enough.
We decided I would ask Alice if she would fly out in two weeks and drive home with me. I said goodbye to my mother and slowly hung up the phone. Alice had recently broken off her engagement, and I knew she would understand what I was going through. Alice was more than a friend to me; she was the closest thing I had to a sister and I hadn't been there for her during her breakup with Peter. Spending time on the road together would be healing for both of us
I looked around our bedroom and spied the containers I had used to move my belongings, containers that after four months still hadn't been fully unpacked. It was a metaphor for our relationship. There was no room for me in Edward's apartment, the same way there didn't seem to be any room for me in his life. I pulled the containers into the middle of the room and pulled the lids off. Slowly I began folding my clothes and placing them inside. I continued to pack away odds and ends I knew I wouldn't need in the next two weeks.
Eventually I heard Edward's footsteps on the stairs, and his key in the door. I sucked in a deep breath and steeled myself to tell him I was leaving. As he walked into the apartment, he took in the open containers and a hurt look crossed his face. I saw the exact moment he realized what was happening and my eyes once again filled with tears. I quickly ducked my head, wiping at the tears that flowed down my cheeks.
"Bella?" Edward asked, his voice shaking. "What are you doing? Why are you packing?"
"I'm leaving Edward. I can't stay here anymore." I replied. My voice cracked as I broke down sobbing again. "I'm going home. Alice will be here in two weeks to drive home with me. I need you to know that I still love you…..so much. But I can't do this anymore. I'm so unhappy."
As I forced out the words, Edward stepped closer to me and wrapped his arms around me. I stood in the safe circle of Edward's arms and cried for everything I was giving up. He murmured soothing words to me, even though his own heart was surely hurting. We stayed there for a long time, united in our shared loss. Eventually I tipped my head back and looked into Edward's eyes. Slowly, he tipped his head and covered my lips in a bittersweet kiss. Pulling back slightly he murmured "I love you too," before moving in to kiss me again.
The next two weeks were the hardest I'd ever lived through. Neither Edward nor I really knew how to act around each other. We were still in love, but our relationship was basically over. I was hurt because I felt like Edward was unwilling to make room for me in his life. Edward was hurt because I was leaving. We fought all the time, but I think the fighting was a defense mechanism; a way to avoid our true feelings.
One night was so bad, Edward even broke down crying. I had never seen him cry before and it shook me to my core. I was on the phone with a friend from home, Rosalie, telling her about my decision to come home. I dumped all the blame on Edward, telling Rose how he didn't seem to appreciate me, how he seemingly had done nothing to help me settle in to a new city. Edward had clearly been listening to me from the other room and came storming in to confront me. He started yelling at me, telling me that he wasn't completely to blame, and that I had to take some responsibility for our current situation. Finally the frustration won out, and his eyes filled with tears.
Slowly the two weeks passed, and I was confronted with my last night with Edward. The pain felt like it was crushing my chest, and I couldn't breathe. I had no idea how I was going to exist without him. As we lay in bed that night, Edward's arms wrapped tightly around me, the tears came again. What started out as soft tears quickly deteriorated into great, heaving sobs. Through it all Edward comforted me, rubbing soothing circles on my back and pressing soft kisses to my temple. Finally I cried myself into a restless sleep.
The next morning as we said our last goodbyes, I couldn't help but feel like this couldn't be the end. Surely Edward would come to his senses and follow me back home. We had tried things his way and it didn't work. I had stood by him when he went away to school, and again when he took a job half way across the country. Our entire relationship had been about his choices, about his wants and needs. Maybe that was part of the reason I was leaving. I wanted Edward to prove he loved me, and following me home would be the ultimate proof. For once I wanted it to be all about me.
Two days later, as Alice and I pulled into my parent's driveway, a feeling of peace settled over me. Even though I was devastated by the loss of my relationship with Edward, I knew I had made the right choice. No matter how much I loved Edward, I simply couldn't be that far away from my family and friends.
When I first got home Edward and I spoke on the phone every few days. It was as if neither one of us was quite ready to let go. But as more time passed, the continued contact with Edward only made things harder for both of us. The time between phone calls became longer and longer, until eventually they stopped altogether.
EPOV
"Holy shit! Is that the right time?" I asked James, looking at the clock on the dash of the car.
"Yup."
"I told Bella I'd be home hours ago. She's gonna kill me." I slouched down in the passenger seat, rubbing the bridge of my nose.
Bella had been so miserable lately and I felt like she was always taking her unhappiness out on me. This whole living together thing wasn't really what I thought it would be. We still had over an hour to drive before we got home. I knew I should probably call Bella, but I just wanted to avoid the inevitable argument. I'd deal with it in person when I finally got home. I was really sick and tired of having her bitch at me all the time.
As James pulled the car into my driveway, a feeling of dread washed over me. This was not going to go well. I got out of the car, waving good bye to James. He wished me luck; we both knew I was going to need it.
I trudged up the stairs and unlocked the apartment door. As I entered the apartment, my eyes quickly scanned the room, wanting to quickly gage Bella's mood. In no way was I prepared for the sight before me. Bella's moving boxes were all over the place and she was clearly in the middle of packing. I had to be wrong. Bella wouldn't just leave me like this. Would she?
"Bella? What are you doing? Why are you packing?" Surely there had to be some sort of explanation. My heart stuttered painfully while I waited for her answer.
The words tumbled out of her mouth, almost faster than my brain could process them. Sobbing, she told me that she still loved me but that she could no longer stay with me. I'm not gonna lie. Things between us lately had been really bad. But I did still have some feelings for Bella, and I wasn't sure I wanted her out of my life. Even though I was hurting at the thought of her leaving, I knew she needed me to comfort her. I put my feelings of anger aside for the moment and stepped closer to Bella, wrapping my arms tightly around her.
We stood just like that for the longest time. I crooned nonsense words of comfort in her ear, stopping only to press gentle kisses against her temple. When her sobs eventually died away, I pulled back slightly and Bella looked up into my eyes. I couldn't take it anymore. I dipped my head and pressed my lips to hers. When our lips finally parted, I let her know I loved her too. I could feel the tears coming and quickly ducked to kiss her again. I refused to let her see how heartbroken I was. As hard as it was, I had to support her decision. Because I loved her.
I don't know how we made it through the next two weeks. We were both so angry and so hurt, and continually lashed out at each other. I also had no idea how to act around her. I was mad at her for leaving, for giving up so easily. Didn't I mean more to her than that? We were still technically together, but we weren't really a couple anymore. Bella and I slept wrapped around each other in our bed every night, but our relationship as we knew it no longer existed.
I knew Bella blamed me for her unhappiness, but I really didn't know how to change things. And she had to realize that she was partly to blame too. It's pretty hard to live with someone who is miserable all the time. One night she completely crossed the line. I was in the living room watching tv, and Bella was in the bedroom on the phone with her friend Rosalie. I could hear Bella telling Rose that I wasn't making an effort, that I didn't appreciate all that she'd given up. All of a sudden, something in me snapped. I threw myself out of my chair and stormed into the bedroom.
"I'm so fucking sick of you blaming me for everything!" I shouted. "And I'm really sick of you telling all your friends what an asshole I am. You can't depend on me to be your whole world. You need to make a life of your own here. You knew when you moved here that it would be a hard adjustment. Just grow the fuck up and get over it."
I knew all along that this was a mistake. When Bella first decided to move, I was so happy that I wasn't going to lose her that I pushed all my doubts aside. But eventually I started to worry. I knew how close Bella was to her family and her friends. I knew how much she loved her job. I also knew how much she wanted to get married, and as much as I loved her, I just wasn't ready for that step yet. In fact, I'd even told her that before she moved here, but I guess she didn't believe me. She pictured some perfect situation, and seriously, that just wasn't realistic. Bella had been so miserable here that I just didn't know how to relate to her anymore.
Much to my embarrassment, I could feel myself starting to cry. I was such a pussy. Bella knew what she was getting into when she moved here. I tried to let her go, and she begged for us to stay together. I was so fucking sick of being the asshole in this whole fucked up situation. All the hurt, anger, and frustration all came pouring out. It wasn't my fault Bella couldn't cope. She should have known when she decided to come with me that adjusting to a whole new life wouldn't be easy. Bella just kind of looked at me in shock; she had never seen me cry before.
Our days continued to be filled with tension and conflict. I just didn't know how to act. Bella wasn't my girlfriend anymore, but I still cared about her. And for the time being, we were stuck living together. At night, I held her in my arms as she cried. Comforting Bella was second nature to me, so I did it even though she didn't seem to care about my feelings at all. She never once acknowledged that I might be upset about this whole fucked up situation. Those few hours I spent wrapped around Bella let me forget the pain she was causing me. During those hours in our bed, I just loved her, with none of the other bullshit.
Finally the day came when Bella was leaving. We stood outside her car, hugging tightly. Bella was crying softy. Gently I pulled away from her and nudged her into the car. I was sad that our relationship was over. But to be honest, I was also kind of relieved that she was going. Bella obviously wasn't ready for an adult relationship, and still had a lot of growing up to do. Our time together had been completely draining, and I just wanted every thing back to normal.
December 2008
BPOV
I peered nervously out the window waiting for Edward's car to pull into the driveway. Over the past four years we'd had brief periods of friendship followed by even longer periods of no contact at all. These periods of not talking usually coincided with those times he had a new girlfriend. I had dated two guys since leaving Edward, both very casual and very brief relationships. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't seem to move on.
When Edward called me out of the blue in October and asked to see me at Christmas, I was sure he was going to tell me that he was planning to marry his current girlfriend. They had been together a little over a year, and their relationship seemed to be moving quite quickly. They had moved in together after only six months of dating. I was shocked when he called me last week and told me they had broken up shortly after our last conversation.
Even though he had clearly moved on after our breakup, he was still in the habit of calling me when things in his life weren't quite going the way he wanted them to. I think he saw me as a security blanket of sorts.
I had agreed to have dinner with him while he was home visiting his family for Christmas. As hard as it was to see Edward, it was impossible to cut him out of my life completely. I would take whatever I could get, even though I knew that made me totally pathetic.
Just then headlights cut across the living room, interrupting my thoughts. I moved quickly to the door and ran out to Edward's car. Once I was settled into the passenger seat, I turned to face him nervously. I wasn't quite sure what to say to him. It was always like this when we hadn't seen each other in a while. The urge to kiss him was always so strong, but I no longer had the right to touch him like that.
As we sat across from each other at dinner we slowly became comfortable with each other once again. By the time we finished eating we were laughing and joking like the old friends we were. When he dropped me off at home we agreed to hang out again the next night. I suggested a movie night at my place, and he eagerly agreed.
The next evening found us sitting awkwardly on my couch, the flickering of the tv the only light in the room. I snuck a glance at Edward only to catch him looking back at me. We both quickly looked away again. I was having a hard time concentrating on the movie with Edward sitting so close to me. Suddenly Edward put his hand on my arm, forcing me to look at him.
"Bella," he started, nervously, "will you lie on the couch and cuddle with me?"
I could refuse this man nothing. I silently nodded my head in agreement. We shuffled around, finally finding a comfortable position. We were facing each other, his arms around me, my nose buried in the crook of his neck. I relaxed into him, enjoying the sensation of being this close to him once more. Across the room the movie continued to play, neither of us paying any attention to it.
Towards the end of the movie I felt Edward's fingers under my chin, forcing me to look at him once again. He gazed into my eyes for long moments, clearly lost in his own thoughts. Before I could ask him what was wrong, his lips tentatively covered mine, kissing me gently. My breath caught in my throat and my heart began to race. It reminded me of the first time Edward had ever kissed me, way back when we were seventeen.
All too soon, Edward pulled away from me. I was still reeling from his kiss. I had no idea what it meant, or how I felt about it. I knew I still loved him after all these years, but had learned the hard way that love wasn't always enough. The credits began to roll, signaling the end of the movie. Edward wished me good night, and quickly disappeared out the door.
For the remainder of his visit home, Edward and I spent time hanging out. We talked and laughed in a way we hadn't for many years. He acted like a total gentleman, opening doors for me, and walking me to my front door when he dropped me off at the end of the night. When we walked down the street, he would reach over and grab hold of my hand. Everything felt so right and I kept pinching myself to prove it was really happening. The more time I spent with Edward, the more I realized the depth of my feelings for him. I was as much in love with Edward Cullen today as I had been four years ago. But how did he feel about me?
As Edward's visit drew to an end, I knew I had to say something to him. We hadn't kissed again, but we acted like a couple in every other way. I had to let him know what I was feeling. Was it really possible for us to have a second chance at getting things right? As we lay together on my couch on Edward's last night, I gathered up all my courage. I knew it was now, or never.
"Edward?" I mumbled.
"Yes Bella?"
"I don't know how to say this, other than to come right out with it. I'm still in love with you. I never stopped loving you. I want nothing more than to get back together."
My revelation was met with silence. I lay in his arms and focused my gaze on the middle of his chest. I needed to collect myself before I dared to look him in the eye. I wasn't sure what to expect, but his silence was pretty telling. A feeling of dread washed over me before I finally looked him in the eye.
"Bella…..," he started, clearing his throat gruffly, "I'm not sure what to say to you right now. You know I will always love you, but I'm not in love with you. You'll always be important to me, but I've moved on. I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. I should never have kissed you. I think I did it more from habit than anything else. I'd like very much to stay friends. You mean so much to me. You're my best friend, and I hope you always will be."
Ouch. That hurt. I squeezed my eyes shut against the tears that were threatening to overflow. I was so confused by Edward's actions. I had been so sure that Edward was feeling the same things I was. Now I had a very important decision to make. Could I still allow Edward to be a part of my life as a friend, despite the fact that I wanted so much more than that? The answer was unequivocally yes. He had been such an important part of my life for so long, and I couldn't stand the thought of losing him forever. Even though he was the one that hurt me, I sought comfort in Edward's embrace. He wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly. I buried my nose in his neck, memorizing his scent. I took a deep breath, collecting myself before speaking.
"I need you to know that I'm very hurt right now. I feel like you led me on, even if that wasn't your intention. Eventually though, that hurt will go away, so of course we can stay friends. But I need you to promise me something Edward." I held his gaze, pleading silently with him to understand.
"Anything Bella, you know that."
"Be gentle with my feelings. Know that I still love you. And when you find yourself falling in love with someone else, know that I'll be happy for you even while I'm dying on the inside."
Edward just looked at me for a long time, not saying a word. Finally, he nodded, kissed me on the forehead, and moved to get up off the couch. He held his hand out to help me up. Hugging me he said "I'm sorry I hurt you Bella. I didn't mean to. But I'm so happy we can be friends. I've missed having you in my life."
With that, he kissed my forehead one last time before disappearing out the front door. I sat back down on the couch and thought about what had just happened. It hurt to know that he didn't return my feelings. I recalled a quote I had once read: The saddest thing in the world is loving someone who used to love you. Sadly, I now knew just how true that quote was. I was probably being foolish, agreeing to be friends with Edward knowing that he didn't return my feelings. But he'd been my best friend for a lot of years, and I needed him in my life.
March 2008
EPOV
…I'm still in love with you. I never stopped loving you.
….know that I'll be happy for you even while I'm dying on the inside.
It had been over two months and I couldn't get Bella's words out of my head. It was starting to drive me crazy. I thought I was past all this shit. I still loved Bella, but I wasn't in love with her anymore. In fact, when I got home after Christmas vacation, I met a great girl, and we'd be seeing each other since mid-January. Tanya was wonderful, but I was hesitant to make thing serious between the two of us.
"…..Edward, are you even listening to me?" asked James, cutting into my thoughts of Bella.
"Sorry man, just zoned out there for a minute."
"What's going on with you lately? You haven't been yourself since you came back from Christmas vacation," said James, rubbing the back of his neck and looking uncomfortable.
I sighed, and just shrugged my shoulders. I wasn't sure I wanted to get into this with James. But fuck, I needed to get my head on straight. I had to stop thinking about Bella. Tanya was a great girl. I should want to take things to the next level with her.
"I kissed Bella when I was home. And I never should have done it. But being with Bella is so easy, and it just kind of happened." I looked away from the disapproving look James was giving me. "It gets worse. Bella told me she's in love with me, that she never stopped loving me."
"Dude, that is some fucked up shit," said James. "What did you say to her?"
"I told her that I'd always love her, but I wasn't in love with her. She seemed to be ok with us just being friends, but now I can't stop thinking about it. Things were so shitty between us. How could I even consider being with her again? But every time I think about getting serious with Tanya, I hear Bella's voice telling me she loves me."
"Edward, that girl totally fucked with your head when she left you," stated James angrily. "I don't even understand why you're still friends with her."
"I've tried not being friends with her. It never works. Something always pulls us back together," I replied. "I honestly thought we could be friends after all this time."
"Forget about her. She's got you messed up again. Let her go and move on with Tanya."
I grunted in response and let the subject drop. The whole conversation was a little too much like girl talk, and we were both feeling a little uncomfortable. Plus, James had never really understood my relationship with Bella. He didn't know us when we were getting along. He was only there to see our relationship fall apart, and all that had come afterward. I never talked to him about the good times with Bella. I only told him about all the shit she'd put me through.
The next night I had a date with Tanya. As I sat across the table from her over dinner, I knew I had to end things. Tanya's feeling for me were far stronger than the ones I had for her. The last thing I wanted to do was lead her on. I had to break up with her before she really got hurt. I didn't know what my feelings for Bella were, but I did know that until I figured it out I'd never be able to move on. Tanya cried when I told her I couldn't see her anymore. It just helped me know that I'd done the right thing. Tanya deserved someone who could return her feelings.
I spent the next few weeks thinking about Bella, and about my feelings for her. We spoke a few times on the phone, but the conversations stayed pretty casual. I didn't let on that I was questioning our relationship. Every time I talked to her, my feelings got even more confused. Finally I gave in and did the least manly think possible. I called my mother for advice. I was officially a pussy.
I got my mom on the phone, then spent twenty minutes talking about everything but what I had called her about in the first place. Finally she sighed in exasperation and said "Edward, what are you really calling me for? Not that it isn't lovely to hear from you, but you never call just to chat."
Haltingly I told her all about what had happened with Bella over Christmas vacation. About how I kissed her, and yes, probably led her on a little. And how Bella still had feeling for me and I totally shot her down. And how she agreed to be friends with me anyway. Even though my mother kept quiet as I rambled on, I could feel her disapproval through the phone. Bella and my mom had always been close, and I could feel her taking Bella's side, which immediately made me defensive.
"Mom, she gave up on me. She gave up on us. How can I just forget about that?" I asked. "How can I even think about letting her back in my life as more than a friend?"
"Oh Edward," sighed my mother. "You need to let go of your anger. Bella wasn't the only one who was in the wrong you know. You also played a part in your break-up. I know you don't want to hear that, but it's true. She was hurt too. And she gave up so much to be with you. If you decide you want to be with her again, you're going to have to work hard to win her over."
I chatted to my mom for a few more minutes, then said my goodbyes. My mom had given me a lot to think about. I had to decide if I was still in love with Bella. And if I was, could I really forgive her for everything she put me through?
Over the next week, all I could think about Bella. Every time I thought I wanted her back, I would think of something else that would make me decide we were better off as friends. Then one thought hit me that changed everything. It was actually something Bella had said to me at Christmas. I wanted Bella to be happy, but if I saw her with someone else it would kill me. And that's when I knew. I was in love with Bella.
I knew that if we were going to be together, it couldn't be long distance. If we were going to work this out, we had to be in the same city. I also knew that there was no way in hell Bella would move for me again. I was going to have to go to her. My first step would be finding a job to go to. I had to have a way to support my girl, right?
It was almost like fate was telling me I had made the right decision in going back to Bella. It turned out my company was opening a new office in my Forks and I was able to arrange a transfer. I started in a month. I made a quick, secret trip home the next weekend and found the perfect apartment. Things were falling into place, almost too easily. But I knew the real work would come when I had to prove my feelings to Bella. I hoped that moving home would go a long way in proving how serious I was about us.
April 2008
EPOV
I was finally home. I'd been here for about a week, settling into my new job and trying to make my apartment home. All I could think about was Bella. She still didn't know I was home, but I knew it would only be a matter of time. We lived in a pretty small town and someone was bound to say something about seeing me. But as much as I wanted to run to her and wrap my arms around her, I knew I wasn't ready yet. I wanted her back so badly, but had no idea how to go about winning her over. I hurt her so badly and I wasn't sure she'd ever be able to forgive me.
"Edward?" asked a high-pitched voice behind me.
I was in the grocery store, standing in the cereal aisle. Shreddies or Cap'n Crunch? I couldn't even figure that out, let alone how I was ever going to win Bella back. I cringed internally when I heard Alice's voice behind me. There was no way I'd be able to keep my return a secret from Bella any longer. Alice would never agree not to tell her. Those two were closer than sisters. Even though we'd always gotten along, Alice's loyaltiwa obviously lay with Bella.
"Hi Alice," I offered nervously. I had no idea what to expect from Alice. Her reaction to me could range anywhere from a giant hug, to a kick in the balls. I was relieved when she launched herself at me and wrapped her arms and legs around me.
"What are you doing here? Are you visiting your folks?"
"Ummm….well…" I stammered. Shit. I was totally not prepared to have this conversation right now. "Actually Alice, I've moved back to town. The opportunity for a transfer came up and I jumped at it."
"When did you get here? How come I didn't know you were here?" Alice asked breathlessly.
"I've been here about a week," I replied. "And no one except my parents know that I'm back. I was kind of hoping to keep it that way, at least for a little while."
"So Bella…."
"Doesn't know I'm back," I confirmed. "I have a lot of things to say to her, and no idea how to say them. I'm scared shitless to face her."
"Edward. You have to tell her that you're here. She'll be devastated if she hears it from someone else."
My shoulders sagged as I nodded my head. Alice was right, of course. Even though I had no idea what to say to her, I had to at least let Bella know I had moved home. Bella had always been my best friend. The person I went to when I needed help figuring things out. Maybe all I needed to do was see her. Maybe once I did, I'd be able to sort through all the other bullshit.
I hugged Alice and said my goodbyes. All of a sudden I needed to see Bella. Immediately. I abandoned the cereal aisle and practically ran out to my car. I drove to Bella's apartment quickly, even running a few red lights along the way. I screeched to a halt in front of the building and quickly made my way inside. Finally, I was standing in the hallway pounding my fist on her door.
April 2008
BPOV
I yanked open my apartment door and my heart stuttered as I took in the sight before me. Edward fucking Cullen was standing there looking frantic and out of breath. I hadn't seen him since his heartbreaking visit at Christmas. In fact, despite his plea to stay a part of my life, I'd only talked to him a handful of times. And those conversations had been quick and stilted.
"Edward!" I gasped. "What…what are you doing here?"
Very hesitantly, he reached up and cupped my cheek in his hand. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he thought I would reject him in some way; that I would step away from his touch. Despite my own hurt feelings, I leaned into Edward's touch. A feeling of rightness washed over me as we stood in the doorway, staring into each other's eyes.
"Can I come in?" he asked.
Silently I stepped aside, welcoming him inside. Rather than sitting down on the couch, Edward paced back and forth across my small living room. He ran his fingers through his hair as he appeared to wage an internal battle. Finally he stopped in his tracks and just looked at me. His mouth opened and closed a few times before he finally spoke.
"Bella," he began, "I've moved back. I was given the opportunity for a transfer and I took it. I got back to town a week ago, but I didn't know how to tell you….what to say to you…."
His words cut off as I sank heavily onto the couch. He'd come home? For good? I sat in silence and tried to absorb what he'd just said. After all his previous refusals to move home, after all I'd given up to move across the country for him, now he decides to move home? The fury began to bubble up inside me. Before I could say anything, Edward started talking again.
"I've been thinking about what you said at Christmas. About how you still loved me. And about how you still wanted me in your life. And all I can think is that I love you too. I know what I said at Christmas. That I wasn't still in love with you. And that I just wanted us to be friends. But it was a lie. I realize that now. I think I was just afraid. You hurt me so badly with the way you left me. Coming home to find you packing? It just about killed me. But I couldn't stand in the way if leaving was what you really wanted. So when all the old feelings resurfaced, I refused to acknowledge them. Then I thought about you falling in love with someone else. I realized it would kill me. And I know you probably want nothing to do with me right now. But please. Please Bella. I need you."
Finally spent, Edward flopped down next to be on the couch. He fidgeted nervously, looking everywhere but at me. The fury still lingered, but now it was mixed with a whole new onslaught of emotions. The part of me that still loved him wanted to launch myself into his arms. But for now, at least, the fury was stronger. How dare he expect that he can waltz back in to town and I would just take him back? Did he really have no concept of how deeply he hurt me at Christmas? In the months after my failed move to Chicago, and subsequent move home, I'd begged him to move back to Forks. He'd always refused, saying he loved his life in Chicago. What he really meant was he loved it more than he loved me.
"Bella?" Edward slowly reached for me again but this time I did lean away from him. I couldn't think clearly when he was touching me.
"What do you expect me to say?" I asked as I shifted away from him. "You realize you still love me and I'm just supposed to welcome you back with open arms? Well too bad. Do I still love you? Of course I do. But you hurt me Edward. So much. And I can't forget that so easily."
"Bella…"
"I'm not saying never Edward. I'm just saying I need some time. I need you to prove to me that you're serious. That I can trust you with my heart again."
"Thank you. It's more than I deserve, I know. But thank you."
Some of the tension finally left the room as we moved on to safer topics. Edward told me all about his new job, and his new apartment. He told me about his run-in with Alice and the grocery store. We talked for an hour or so before Edward reluctantly left. As he hugged me goodbye he whispered thank you once more, then he was gone.
Over the next few weeks Edward and I awkwardly began to rekindle our romance. At first it was horrible. I could never seem to relax and just enjoy being with him again. One minute things would be going so well, and the next I would be overwhelmed with anger and resentment. I could see how much it was hurting Edward, but I just couldn't seem to help myself. But no matter how hurtful I was being he was always there, always patient. Finally I realized that I was testing him. I was making him prove over and over again that he was serious about me, and that he wasn't going anywhere. If we were really going to have a chance I had to let go of the past. Once I let go, I was able to enjoy my time with Edward. Things became less and less awkward as I finally let go of all my hurt and began to love Edward with an open heart.
December 2009
EPOV
As Bella was in the bathroom putting the final touches on her hair and makeup, I sat on our couch and nervously flipped the ring box over and over in my hands. After opening and closing the box one last time I slipped it into my pocket. Tonight was the night. I was finally going to ask Bella to marry me. We were going to her parent's place for their annual Christmas Eve open house and I planned to propose in front of all our friends and family. Just thinking about it made me sick to my stomach. What if she said no?
We'd had our ups and downs since my move home to Forks, but one thing remained constant. The love we had for each other. About six months ago we'd finally moved in together. Bella had been nervous, but finally relented and agreed it was time. I loved going to bed with her every night, and waking up with her every morning. Never once did I regret my decision to leave Chicago and return home. Bella was my other half, and I would never be happy anywhere she wasn't.
"Edward? You ready to go, baby?"
Bella walked into the living room, carrying her shoes in one hand. I was speechless. Bella always looked beautiful, but tonight she was absolutely stunning. In a daze, I rose from the couch and crossed the room to stand in front of her. With one had I reached out to reverently touch her face, while the other hand gripped the ring box in my pocket. All my plans for a public proposal flew out the window in that moment. I couldn't wait another minute to ask Bella to be my wife.
"Bella, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever known, both inside and out. You are my other half, my soul mate. We've gone through so much to get to where we are today, and those struggles have only made our love stronger. I love you more than I ever dreamed possible. Thank you for forgiving me when I was wrong, for believing in me when times were tough, and most of all, thank you for loving me." I dropped to one knee in front of her and held out the ring box. "Bella Swan, will you do me the honor of sharing the rest of your life with me?"
Bella threw herself at me, laughing, crying, and shouting yes all at the same time. Our lips met in a frenzied kiss, and my hand roamed all over her body unable to decide where to settle. They finally drifted to her ass, pulling her tightly against me as we lay on the living room floor. Our kissing became more and more heated until we were pulling at each other's clothes. Finally we were naked and I was poised between her thighs. With a whispered "I love you" I slid into her. Our lovemaking was slow and tender, a celebration of our love and commitment. Afterwards we clung to each other, kissing occasionally. It wasn't the perfect proposal I had planned, but it was perfect for us.