THE FIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
(Season Two, 1989)
EXT. CONNER HOME - MORNING
A still shot of the Conner home as a gentle gust of snow sprinkles from the sky.
INT. CONNER HOME - LIVING ROOM - SAME
DAN sits on the couch, lounging around watching Christmas-themed television shows. ROSEANNE, vacuuming, finds herself blocked by Dan's legs.
She shoves the vacuum gently into his leg. He doesn't budge.
ROSEANNE
Move your feet!
Dan looks up.
DAN
Oh what? Were you talking to me?
ROSEANNE
No. I was talking to your feet.
Dan grabs his foot and moves it toward his ear.
DAN
What's that Mr. Foot? You don't want to move?
ROSEANNE
I'll take off your big toe, Dan Conner. Don't tempt me.
Dan smiles and retreats - spreading his entire body across the couch.
ROSEANNE (CONT'D)
That's right, Dan. Just lay there while I do all the work!
DAN
Hey, I helped! I got that Christmas presents out of the trunk.
ROSEANNE
Yeah, after I spent five hours at the mall shopping for them!
DAN
(naively)
So?
ROSEANNE
So! I've been working my butt off all morning to get this place somewhat presentable before my neurotic parents get here and you won't even lift a finger because you're too busy watching Frosty!
Dan scoffs.
DAN
Frosty? FROSTY? It's Rudolph, Roseanne. You need a refresher on your Christmas cartoons.
ROSEANNE
I need a new husband.
DAN
That atop your Christmas list this year?
ROSEANNE
Along with a new house and new kids.
Roseanne laughs and continues doing her work as DJ storms in from upstairs.
He plops next to Dan on the couch.
He's holding a list.
DJ
I have some last minute Christmas wishes, Dad.
DAN
Oh you do, DJ?
DJ
Yup!
He hands Dan the list - who then scans it and raises a brow.
DAN
You're dreaming!
DJ
Oh come on!
Roseanne finishes up vacuuming.
ROSEANNE
What's he want?
DAN
A Nintendo.
ROSEANNE
You're dreaming!
Dan looks at DJ and laughs.
DAN
(childishly)
That's what I said!
DJ
Aww, c'mon guys! Can't you call Santa up?
Roseanne walks over to the phone in the kitchen and grabs it.
ROSEANNE
Sure!
ROSEANNE
(into the phone)
Get me Santa!
She hangs it up.
DAN
Sport, I'm sorry. But it's a recession. Even Santa is having trouble paying the light bill up there in the North Pole. Maybe next year.
DJ
I hate Christmas!
ROSEANNE
Now you're learning. Go wake up your sisters. They need to finish the laundry before Grandma and Grandpa get here.
DJ takes off back up the stairs. Roseanne joins Dan on the couch.
DAN
Ouch.
ROSEANNE
Yeah. Remember when we promised we'd give our kids everything they asked for on Christmas?
DAN
We also promised to love them unconditionally.
ROSEANNE
I don't remember that!
She laughs and cozies up to Dan.
EXT. CONNER HOUSE - AFTERNOON
The snow has now picked up. A few inches have covered the front yard.
INT. CONNER HOME - KITCHEN
Roseanne, now dressed, washes off the kitchen table. Dan has just come in from shoveling the walks.
DAN
Heard from your parents yet?
ROSEANNE
They're still stuck in Elgin.
DAN
Good!
ROSEANNE
Keep it up and we'll spend Christmas at their house.
DAN
You wouldn't dare!
ROSEANNE
Try me!
Dan sneers as he sits down at the table and grabs the paper. Becky then enters the kitchen, innocently glaring at Roseanne.
BECKY
Need help?
Roseanne seems suspicious.
ROSEANNE
Did you finish the laundry?
BECKY
Yup. Fluffed and folded.
ROSEANNE
Room cleaned?
BECKY
Darlene is working on that.
Roseanne's eyes rise further in doubt.
ROSEANNE
You want something!
BECKY
Do not!
ROSEANNE
Yes you do! You're never this obedient!
BECKY
Dad!
DAN
Sorry, Beckster, your mom's got you there.
BECKY
Oh right. Can't even offer to help without an ulterior motive.
ROSEANNE
I created ulterior motives.
Roseanne laughs as Becky looks onward, deadpanned.
BECKY
It's nothing big.
ROSEANNE
Uh huh.
BECKY
Jimmy and his folks are spending Christmas at their cabin down at Shabbona Lake.
ROSEANNE
Uh huh
BECKY
And he invited me.
ROSEANNE
Absolutely not.
BECKY
Mom!
ROSEANNE
No, Becky. You're spending Christmas with your family.
BECKY
That's not fair.
ROSEANNE
Exactly! If I have to suffer through it, so do you.
Becky turns to Dan, who forcefully tries to ignore their fight.
BECKY
Dad?
DAN
Your mom's right, Becky. Your grandparents are coming.
BECKY
I saw them at Thanksgiving.
ROSEANNE
And you're gonna see 'em at Christmas! With a big ol' jolly smile on your face because you're gonna enjoy it.
BECKY
Real fair! I hate this house!
ROSEANNE
Yeah well so do I.
Becky storms out of the kitchen.
Roseanne grabs a piece of paper off the counter.
ROSEANNE
Think it's too late to send Santa my Christmas list?
INT. CONNER HOME - BECKY/DARLENE'S ROOM
Becky is packing, while Darlene lays on her bed tossing her baseball up in the air.
DARLENE
You're not going to get away with this, snot face.
BECKY
What do you know?
DARLENE
I know Momzilla watches over this place like it was the last slice of pizza in the pizza box.
BECKY
Well I don't care. I'm going with Jimmy.
Darlene sits up and tosses her ball at Becky, who ducks out of the way.
BECKY
Jerk.
DARLENE
You're the jerk. You're gonna go and tick off mom and dad the day before Christmas and it's going to be DJ and me who suffers. I want my gifts! I've been good for the last month and a half. I deserve them!
BECKY
Yeah, well, that's your problem.
Becky, now packed, begins walking toward the door. Darlene quickly bolts off her bed and blocks her.
DARLENE
No. It's your problem. You're not ruining Christmas.
BECKY
Get out of the way, Darlene.
DARLENE
Or what?
BECKY
Or I'll use your head as a baseball.
DARLENE
You don't scare me.
Becky jerks forward and Darlene flinches back.
BECKY
Thought so.
She then pushes her out of the way and exits into the HALLWAY.
But before she can get any further, Roseanne stands. Menacing.
ROSEANNE
Where do you think you're going?
BECKY
Uh - I was - uh
Darlene, seizing the upper hand, snidely interjects.
DARLENE
With Jimmy…
ROSEANNE
I told you no.
BECKY
Mom, you're being unfair.
ROSEANNE
That's what's great about being a parent. You never have to be fair. And when you have little joys yourself, you'll know exactly where I'm coming from.
DARLENE
I think you're fair, mother.
ROSEANNE
Put a sock in it, Darlene. I've already done the Christmas shopping.
Darlene retreats back into her bedroom.
BECKY
You're so not cool
ROSEANNE
You're just now figuring this out?
Becky doesn't answer.
ROSEANNE (CONT'D)
Am I going to have to stand guard the entire day or are you going to start acting like a mature teenager?
BECKY
(annoyed)
Fine.
INT. CONNER HOME - KITCHEN - LATER
The kitchen is finally cleaned. Roseanne, alone, cooks a plump turkey as JACKIE enters through the back door. She's carrying a large bag filled with gifts.
JACKIE
Hey.
ROSEANNE
Oh hey.
JACKIE
They here yet?
ROSEANNE
They? Oh you mean our lovely parents?
She pauses for a second, smiling.
ROSEANNE (CONT'D)
No.
JACKIE
Good. Do you have something to drink?
Roseanne points toward the fridge.
ROSEANNE
I think we have some pop.
JACKIE
I was thinking something a bit stronger.
ROSEANNE
Oh. Na, sorry. Polished it off this morning.
To show a hint of her sarcasm, Roseanne laughs.
JACKIE
So where do you want the gifts?
ROSEANNE
Oh I don't know - under the Christmas tree?
Just as Jackie goes to grab the bag, Becky enters. She angrily opens the fridge, takes a glance inside and slams the door shut and storms out of the kitchen.
JACKIE
What's her problem?
ROSEANNE
She hates me.
JACKIE
Well how's that different from any other day?
ROSEANNE
Well I guess it's not.
JACKIE
So what'd you do?
ROSEANNE
I didn't do nothing! She wanted to spend Christmas with Jimmy.
JACKIE
And you said no?
ROSEANNE
Of course I said no. It's Christmas.
JACKIE
Remember that one Christmas when you wanted to go up to Chicago with Mike Sullivan?
ROSEANNE
Yeah. What about it?
JACKIE
Mom cried and cried because she thought it meant you didn't want to spend Christmas with her.
ROSEANNE
I didn't - and still don't!
JACKIE
Yeah well, kids do that.
ROSEANNE
And I didn't go, did I?
JACKIE
But you were miserable the whole Christmas break.
ROSEANNE
Oh wake up, Jackie! I've been miserable my whole life.
Then a commotion from the living room - the grandparents have arrived.
DAN (from living room)
Rosie, your folks are here.
Roseanne looks over to Jackie, fighting back laughter.
ROSEANNE
Think Jimmy Meltrigger's family would mind if I tagged along?
In the living room, there is a lot of hugging. Dan, who had been watching television, tries to maneuver around it.
Jackie and Roseanne enter from the kitchen.
BEV
Roseanne! Jackie!
BEV walks up and gives them both a hug.
ROSEANNE
Hi mom. How're the roads?
BEV
Just awful. And worse with the way your father drives.
ART
I thought about tying a sleigh to the back and forcing your mother to ride in it just to shut her up.
BEV
Oh Art, you're terrible.
Bev does a quick glance around the living room.
BEV (CONT'D)
Where are my wonderful grandkids?
ROSEANNE
In another dimension?
Roseanne then walks up to the stairs and yells up them.
ROSEANNE (CONT'D)
Children! Your grandparents are here!
From upstairs, you can hear the sound of footsteps thumping closer to the stairway.
BEV
Roseanne, looks like you've put on a few Holiday pounds…
ROSEANNE
(under her breath)
I'd like to pound you.
BEV
What was that dear?
ROSEANNE
Nothing mother!
DJ and Darlene storm down the stairs.
DJ
Grandpa! Grandma!
DARLENE
Where's the presents?
Bev and Art both shower them with smooches.
ART
Not even a kiss from your favorite grandpa?
DARLENE
What's it worth to you?
ROSEANNE
Darlene!
Darlene relents and allows Art to plant one right on her cheek. After the smooch, Darlene quickly wipes it away.
DARLENE
Okay. I lived up to my end of the bargain. Now those gifts?
ART
They're out in the car. I'm sure your old man wouldn't mind getting 'em.
Art tosses Dan the keys, who reluctantly agrees.
BEV
Where's Becky?
ROSEANNE
(yelling upstairs)
BECKY! GET YER BUTT DOWN HERE!
BEV
Do you always have to be so loud?
ROSEANNE
Yeah.
Becky slowly ambles down the stairs, shooting Roseanne with a death glare.
BECKY
Hi Grandpa and Grandma.
ART
Well get down here and give your old grandpa a kiss.
DARLENE
Yeah, Beck, pucker up!
BECKY
Cram it, Darlene.
ROSEANNE
Now, now. Save the fighting for dinner.
INT. CONNER HOME - KITCHEN
Jackie and Roseanne sit at the kitchen table drinking coffee, while Bev pours herself a cup.
BEV
Have you checked on the turkey?
ROSEANNE
Yes, Mom.
BEV
Maybe I should give it a little look.
ROSEANNE
It's fine, Mom.
BEV
Just a peek.
Bev opens the stove and takes a glance.
ROSEANNE
(whispering to Jackie)
How much would you give me if I pushed her in?
Bev quickly bolts up.
BEV
Don't think I didn't hear that.
Bev joins them at the table.
BEV (CONT'D)
Jackie, you're looking a little gaunt. Have you been sick?
JACKIE
No, Mom. But thanks for pointing that out.
BEV
You need a little color. Get some sun.
Roseanne takes a look out the back window, the snow continues to pile up.
ROSEANNE
Yeah because Lanford is such a tropical paradise.
Jackie laughs. Bev looks less amused.
BEV
(to Roseanne)
So I noticed some tension between you and Becky. What'd you do this time, Roseanne?
ROSEANNE
Why do you think it's my fault?
BEV
Oh Roseanne, I know you.
ROSEANNE
Well you're wrong.
BEV
Want me to talk to her?
ROSEANNE
Not if you want things fixed.
INT. CONNER HOME - KITCHEN
A bit later, dinner is about to be served. The kitchen table has been expanded and the turkey fresh out of the oven. Bev and Jackie are setting the plates.
In the living room, Roseanne notices Becky is missing.
ROSEANNE
Where's your sister?
DARLENE
Hopefully under a pile of snow.
ROSEANNE
I'm serious, Darlene.
BECKY
She went upstairs.
INT. CONNER HOME - BECKY/DARLENE'S ROOM
In the bedroom, Becky lays on her bed, looking out the window as the snow falls.
Roseanne knocks on the door.
ROSEANNE
Can I come in?
BECKY
Not like you won't anyway.
ROSEANNE
You're right.
Roseanne enters and plops down next to Becky on the bed.
ROSEANNE (CONT'D)
I know you're mad at me, Becky.
BECKY
That's an understatement. So just leave.
ROSEANNE
No.
Becky sits up.
BECKY
Why do you always have to try and make things right? Why can't you just leave me alone?
ROSEANNE
Because I'm your mother. It's my job to bother you.
BECKY
Yeah, well, you're good at it.
Becky lays back down.
ROSEANNE
I've had practice.
Becky doesn't respond.
ROSEANNE (CONT'D)
C'mon, Becky. See it from my point of view.
BECKY
I'm always forced to see it from your point of view.
ROSEANNE
It's because I'm right.
BECKY
You're not funny.
ROSEANNE
No - but I am right about this.
Becky again sits up.
BECKY
What makes you so sure? It's a stupid two days and you couldn't even give me that.
ROSEANNE
It's not just two days. It's Christmas Eve and Christmas. You know, we've never been apart for Christmas?
BECKY
Yeah, well, some day we will. So you should get used to it.
ROSEANNE
Exactly my point, Becky. There isn't a limitless amount of Christmases we're going to spend together. So why rush it?
BECKY
Because it's the same thing every year. So why does it matter if I take one year off?
ROSEANNE
'Cause before you know it, you'll have a family of your own and it'll just be me and your dad - and probably DJ - celebrating. I just want to spend as many Christmases as I can with you, Darlene and DJ because I know one day you won't be here anymore.
BECKY
Grandma and grandpa are here every Christmas.
ROSEANNE
Only because no one else will have 'em.
Becky laughs.
ROSEANNE (CONT'D)
You'll have plenty of Christmases to go off and do your own thing. But not now. Not today. And you'll hate me, but when you have children of your own, you'll see where I'm coming from.
BECKY
I guess.
ROSEANNE
So you gonna come down and eat?
BECKY
Yeah.
INT. CONNER HOUSE - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER
Most the family has already found their way to table as Becky and Roseanne enter the kitchen.
BEV
So have you two made up?
ROSEANNE
I guess you can say that.
DARLENE
It's a Christmas miracle!
BECKY
Quiet, Darlene.
The two join the rest of the family at the table.
Dan, sitting next to Roseanne, grabs her hand.
The scene ends with the family abuzz while they eat their Christmas Eve feast.
EXT. CONNER HOUSE - MORNING
It's Christmas Morning. A few flakes of snow shakes from the sky.
INT. CONNER HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
The entire family eagerly awaits the opening of gifts, though minus one member - Dan.
DJ
Can we please open them?
DJ shakes with anticipation.
ROSEANNE
Not until your dad gets his butt out here.
She turns toward the bedroom and yells.
ROSEANNE (CONT'D)
DAN! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?
BEV
Oh Roseanne, a woman shouldn't yell like that. Get up and go into the other room if you want to communicate with your husband.
ROSEANNE
Well let's give it a try, Mom. Why don't you go sit in the kitchen and when I'm ready to communicate, I'll come in and join you?
Art grabs Bev's hand, subtley telling her to back off.
DJ
(whining)
Mooooom.
ROSEANNE
(yelling)
All right, Dan. I guess I'll just have to give all your gifts to goodwill. And it looks like Santa brought you a nice new fishing reel.
That gains his attention, as Dan quickly bolts out of the back hallway and into the living room.
DAN
You wouldn't dare!
ROSEANNE
Okay, DJ - Christmas is officially here.
DARLENE
'Bout time.
The family begins tearing open their gifts with reckless abandon. Roseanne, though, just sits and watches - smiling.
THE END