Kakashi's Past Students That Almost Made the Cut (No, They Didn't)
I wrote this because my friend Ca'Leah said I wouldn't write it. Bitch, don't tell me what to do. Rated M because I'm insensitive.
Once upon a time, there was a SUPER MEGA nerd named Ca'Leah, a lil bitch named Alex (believe me if you saw him you would know it and you have a 99.9999% chance of winning a fight against his bitch ass) and their extremely attractive friend Samantha and they were all ninjas. The lil bitch, the nerd and the attractive, fabulous, rich, hot, smart, and well mannered one were freshly squeezed out of ninja school (because killing can be institutionalized and packaged for the public) and they were ready to become rEaL ninja for their village- the village hidden in the hood (gotta mention, idk how the hell Alex finished, he sucks ass and Ca'Leah is a weenie). No wait, that isn't right. They're actually exchange students from the Village Hidden in the Hood and now they live in the Village Hidden in the leaves (laaaame aaaass neeeeerds. Ca'Leah belongs in the Leaf tho).
The village hidden in the leaves was mediocre at best but the military program guaranteed jobs (via murdering others for the wealthy elite) so obviously Alex, Ca'Leah and Samantha were excited to get started and get some $$$$.
"Where's that hoe?" Samantha huffed.
"If I was him, probably fucking bitches." Alex shrugged.
"He's late. We should file a report on his misconduct," Ca'Leah said.
"Nerd," Samantha whispered under her breathe.
"Don't make me fight you. You know I'm taller than you. I've been taller than you. I'm FASTER. STRONGER. BETTER. BATMAN."
Samantha responded with a dissonant scream and then they waited some more in that dank ass room (smells like cheap ass pussy weed tbh) for their teacher Kakashi.
Two hours later, Kakashi fucking arrived. "Who's been smoking weed," He leaned against the doorframe, "And where can I get some?"'
"Bitch," Alex whispered under his breath, flicking the ashes on the floor cause he don't care anyway.
"LIKE WE WOULD SHARE WITH YOUR BASIC ASS." Ca'Leah and Samantha thought to themselves but instead gave that late hoe the stank eye.
"Ignoring that TIT BIT," Samantha said, "When are we going to have our test? It's already eight o'clock and it's dark out."
"Right now is good. Ninjas need to navigate in the dark." Kakashi's bitch ass replied.
"Fuck you and fuck this ass hat village," Ca'Leah's blind ass said, pushing up her glasses (see? I told ya'll she was a nERD).
"*cough*NERD*cough*" Alex coughed, adjusting his glasses (everyone is a nerd except for Samantha, the very beautiful one, in case you forgot).
"We're leaving." Kakashi left the room.
"What an asshole, he didn't even check to see if we were following. Let's wait here and ditch him." Samantha suggested.
"We can order a pizza," Alex said.
"No, we should follow the rules," Ca'Leah the nerd said.
"BITCH, NOOOOOO," Alex whined.
"OH MY GAAAWD," Samantha groaned.
"WE'LL ALL FAIL AND HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE HOOD AND GET REAL JOBS, LIKE STRIPPERS" Ca'Leah said.
"Shit, she's right, we'd have to go to stripping school," Alex said to a grimacing Samantha.
"And student loans will literally ruin our lives forever before we graduate from stripping school, leaving us with bad credit and unable to make large purchases necessary for the adult world… Ugh, let's go." Samantha lamented.
They actually lost track of Kakashi and couldn't find him.
"When we become strippers, can you please drive me to the club Samantha?" Alex asked.
"Ugh, fine but I'm going to charge you." Samantha groaned, her beautiful face scrunching up attractively.
"WAIT. I see him," Ca'Leah pointed at… the adult book shop (it's actually a general sex shop but you get the picture).
"Oh," Alex said.
"Oh," Samantha said.
"Oh," Ca'Leah said.
"I told you, fucking bitches." Alex said.
"Wouldn't the fact that he's in there mean that he doesn't have a bitch to fuck?" Ca'Leah asked.
"Shut up nerd," Alex replied.
"KAKASHI, YOU FUCKER. WHY YOU TRYIN GET YOUR DICK WET WHEN WE COULD BE FORCED TO RETURN TO THE HOOD?" Samantha screamed at the door and got the three of them kicked out of the store before they could even get inside.
After buying his stuff, Kakashi meet the three of them outside, in the alley, behind the dumpster, next to a pile of dirty, blood-crusted needles and a half-rotted severed foot.
"I feel like we're about to die," Ca'Leah said.
"Can I have your drawing pad?" Alex asked.
"Bury me with it or suffer my ghost-wrath." Ca'Leah snarled.
Ignoring the nerds, Kakashi announced, "Look, I already have what I was going to do this evening," He patted his shopping bag, "But the three of you are very persistent. I'll give one chance to become a ninja before the next day."
"It's 11:55 you ass," Alex snapped.
"Your ninja challenge is… find me a prostitute. Female. Green, poorly kept dreadlocks. Snaggletooth. Around 180 pounds, and has one foot an entire shoe size bigger than the other. Go."
"That's so specific. I hope you're not using us as a private investigator," Ca'Leah commented.
"Or the missed connections page on Craigslist." Samantha narrowed her eyes at Kakashi.
"I'm going to get some donuts and then loiter around Ca'Leah's house. Bye," Alex began to walk away.
"I'll bring the banana milk," Samantha said, following him.
"STAY OUT OF MY HOUSE, YOU TWO ARE FORBIDDEN FROM COMING TO MY HOUSE ANYWAY. YOU SLOW DOWN MY INTERNET AND EAT ALL MY FOOD. FUCK. OFF." Ca'Leah screamed.
"Wait, which reminds me; can't we just transform-jutsu into the description of the prostitute?" Samantha asked.
"But who's gonna fuck the teacher? I think we all agreed the farthest we would go in the sex industry is clapping our glorious asses for $$$$, so we're in a moral dilemma here." Alex asked.
"You bring up a good point there, friend. As the most attractive one here, I believe I qualify as the most qualified person to make this decision." Samantha turned to Kakashi, "I pick Alex."
"Excellent choice. You're all ninjas now." Kakashi nodded.
They didn't have sex because Kakashi lied about everything. They were suspected, arrested and then convicted for prostitution (never technically got to that point, but the law-making authority figures in our society never miss a chance to throw somebody in jail) spying (unfairly, they weren't even ninjas yet) and drug possession (#420blazeit). They were sent back to the village in the hood after a thorough interrogation and strip search. After recovering from their traumatic ninja experience, they went to stripping school and they all drowned in the debt from their student loans. They lived the rest of their lives, sadly clapping their asses while going nowhere financially as they became emotionally, spiritually and financially entrenched in, and increasingly dependent of, their decaying capitalistic society. Then they died.
THE END.
A/N: There is a shadow encompassing the socio-economic and political landscape of this country and it will catch you!