Author's Note: Hi! It's me! I haven't written anything for a very long time. My bad. But I'm here to make it up to you (sort of), my fanbase of 1½ people! Yeah, I decided to write a parody of Mary Sue fics. Sorry, I got bored.
Italics are generally when Josh (jweb guru) breaks in and interrupts my story or tries to tell it his way. Because he actually did that. Several times. *glares at Josh* But oh, well.
Bold words are my response to him. Just so you know.
Normal type is the actual story.
*~§~3~§~*
One day, Elizabeth went into the store and bought 1 apple, 2 boots, 3 caramel apples, 4 dogs, 5 elephants, 6 flowers, 7 garbage bags, 8 hams, 9 igloos, 10 jaguars, 11 Kitkats, 12 llamas, 13 magazines, 14 nails, 15 octopi, 16 platypuses, 17 quail, 18 rabbits, 19 snakes, 20 televisions, 21 umbrellas, 22 vultures, 23 walruses, 24 xylophones, 25 yaks, and 26 zebras for her year at Hogwarts.
That's 325 things!
Good job, Josh!
And then she got on the Hogwarts Express, which went TOOT TOOT and then went CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA off toward Hogwarts. When they arrived at Hogwarts, they got off the train or else the Mad Walrus would decapitate them. And they didn't want to be decapitated, so they got off.
And then the Mad Walrus attacked anyway, but Elizabeth forced it back with a flick of her pinkie. And there was much rejoicing.
Well, except for Neville. He was decapitated because he moved too slow. Neville's slow.
But he came back to life, because otherwise we couldn't have anyone to kill again and again and again.
Well, actually, Neville wasn't QUITE decapitated, because Elizabeth saved him first. STOPPIT YOU'RE MESSING UP MY STORY, JOSH!
And everyone hailed Elizabeth as a hero because the Mad Walrus had been terrorizing Hogwarts for as long as anyone could remember (a.k.a. 1 week, 2 days, 30 minutes, and 2.7 seconds.) And Elizabeth got this shiny cup for saving Neville from the Mad Walrus. And everyone all waved flags and applauded and said "Yay!" and stuff.
And Draco said, "Why'd you save Neville?" But then he fell in love with Elizabeth suddenly when she looked at him, because that is part of the Plot.
So then the feast started and Dumbledore said, "blah-di-blah-di-blah. LET'S EAT!!" And everyone began to eat.
And so they ate.
STOP INTERFERING WITH THE PLOT! THE PLOT NEVER DID ANYTHING TO YOU!
There's a plot?
No, I'm just making it up as I go.
Then why can't I interfere with it?
Because it's in my mind! NO MESSING WITH MY MIND! Anyways…
Draco came over to the Gryffindor table, where Elizabeth was sitting (because she's a mandatory Gryffindor in this story, even though there was no Sorting or anything.) and he said, "I love you," and he swooned.
Overnight, Elizabeth had so many admirers that she tripped over them all the time because they kept kneeling down and worshipping her for no basic reason other than the fact that she had 1 apple, 2 boots, 3 caramel apples, 4 dogs, 5 elephants, 6 flowers, 7 garbage bags, 8 hams, 9 igloos, 10 jaguars, 11 Kitkats, 12 llamas, 13 magazines, 14 nails, 15 octopi, 16 platypi, 17 quail, 18 rabbits, 19 snakes, 20 televisions, 21 umbrellas, 22 vultures, 23 walruses, 24 xylophones, 25 yaks, and 26 zebras. At least there were a lot of them around, so Elizabeth always had a soft landing upon the prostrated bodies of her admirers. However, chief amongst her admirers were the Heroic Harry Potter, his Sidekick Ron Weasley, and the Evil One, Draco Malfoy.
"I will renounce my evil ways for you, Elizabeth!" cried Draco.
"PICK ME! PICK ME!" screamed Harry.
Ron, shoving him aside with Sidekick Strength, yelled "NO! PICK ME! I'M SMARTER!"
"I don't say anything; I just stand here and hope you pick me for my quiet, reserved ways and the quaint comic relief I provide for your dull days at Hogwarts," intoned Ron. STOP MESSING WITH MY STORY!
Why?
Because *I* am writing it, not you! I STARTED IT!!! Um, sorry about the interruption.
Elizabeth excelled in all her classes and did some other stuff, beat up Voldemort, and was again celebrated as a heroine.
"Well done!" praised Professor Dumbledore, twinkling his eyes.
(All of you out there may wonder why Professor Dumbledore's eyes twinkle. Well, this is due to a little switch he had installed on his back. When he flicks it on, his eyes twinkle, and when he flicks it off, his eyes turn off.)
The end?
No, not quite. There is still the question of the admirers.
Oh right… Oh god no. Not the twinkly thing...
"BEWARE THE TWINKLY THING!" Professor Dumbledore yelled at Josh, who had just suddenly entered the story; hence, nobody knew who he was. Professor Dumbledore chased Josh all around and around the room until the end of the story.
So anyways, about all the admirers… Elizabeth wasn't too keen on any of them, but she chose…
(DUN DUN DUN!)
(*suspense!*)
(*Drumroll*)
(*Trumpet fanfare*)
Draco? I'm just guessing. STOP CHASING ME, DUMBLEDORE!
That much is obvious. You're ruining the suspense!
I know.
(*Stampede of buffalo!*)
Dumbledore: NO! NEVER!!!
And Professor Dumbledore cackled in a maniacal manner and continued chasing Josh. But anyways…
Elizabeth chose...
Actually, I don't remember who Elizabeth chose.
But we can give you a hint.
Elizabeth doesn't really like Gryffindor because they're all stupid, and Harry is the dumbest of the stupid.
Elizabeth doesn't really like Ron, either, because he's stupid and never says anything, anyways.
Elizabeth likes Draco, but in these fics, the girl *never* goes for the Slytherin because they're *bad* and *evil*.
And everyone finished school at dull, boring Hogwarts and lived out the rest of their monotonous lives until they all died when the world was obliterated by a rogue paper clip.
That's not suspenseful! I want my money back!
You didn't pay any money!
I want it back anyway!
Too bad. You're still being chased. But it will stop now.
What?
THE ENDProfessor Dumbledore ceased to chase Josh; instead, he fell over and died of heart failure.
Yay! He stopped chasing me!
THE (real) END