Ghost
Disclaimer: I do not own JAG. This takes place around the time of Mac's engagement to Brumby (up to and including Adrift), just after the engagement party. I completely understand what Harm was going through because I'm hurting in much the same way currently, and suffering in silence. Howie Day's Ghost is not owned by me either. This piece also corresponds to my story Against All Odds, so read it first. Any discrepancies are because I haven't seen the series for a while. I'm also adding this as a precursor to my fanfic Operation Red Witch.
~ ~ ~ ~
Lately I've been thinking Lately I've been dreaming with you I'm so resistant to this type of thinking Somehow it's shining through
"Harm, did you just call me Mac." Renee said to me one night. It was an accidental slip, and I tried to deny it.
But Renee, Miss Videoprincess as my partner so named her, is right. I've been thinking and dreaming of someone lately. And sorry Renee, it isn't you. She's a brunette, sharp witted, a complex character that deserves better than to be paraded about like some kind of trophy pelt by the likes of Bugme.
Way to go Rabb, now you're starting to sound pathetic. Very pathetic. I remember after the last time we were stuck aboard two separate submarines. A Russian sub and an American sub in a deadly game of cat and mouse. I could see the look in Mac, I mean Sarah's eyes when Brumby and Renee found us walking into JAG. I knew for a brief second it was Mac wanting to tell me something.
"Are you alright Harm?" I thought I heard a voice. It isn't Renee because she left in a huff after I called her Mac, but its someone else. I turn around and see quite literally a ghost from my past. Diane. She's wearing her summer whites, looking not a day older than the day I last saw her. Except I last saw her at her funeral.
"Harm, don't let her get away..." Diane's voice sounds as she disappears into the night. My old Academy sweetheart, gone. I could list them all in my head if I really wanted to. But lately only one really matters. I hope to God I don't add Mac to that list.
I pulled out a photograph I hadn't looked at in years. It's a picture of me and Diane as midshipmen, during our third class year, after we finished our summer cruise. It's a sunny day, she and I are standing in front of the chapel, on the steps with Keeter taking the picture. When I do this, its almost as if I can feel Diane standing in the room, peering over my shoulder from beyond the grave.
I was alone for the last time Before my nights' vacation with you Alive from the first now I'm denied By the ghost of you
I remember the day she died as if it were yesterday. I still have nightmares of seeing a body in a bag. I had to literally rely on ingrained military discipline to not break down completely. I remember a salty old senior chief giving me a comforting pat on the shoulder that I barely acknowledged. I was a familiar sight on the ship during pre-deployment, sneaking time to talk to Diane whenever possible. And then she was dead. No longer to smile with me, laugh at or with me, or talk to me again.
Oh you take yourself a photograph and laugh at me Please
"It's not that easy..." I groaned to no one in particular. It's at least another three hours whereupon I figure out I can't sleep. I throw on jeans and a clean collared shirt with my lucky Jimmy Buffet t-shirt. Diane and I watched him perform our firstie year at the Academy, three days before graduation. I never wore it after she died, because I could feel her presence, but somehow I need to face the past.
I know there's little use in crying It's more wide awake and dying than I'm used to I thought we'd walk these streets together Now I'm hoping that I'll never have to meet you Step aside from all this anger And somewhere in between I can feel you Ask me should we try again I'm thinking no yeah It's not what I believe in It's not what I believe in
I've been driving around for at least two hours now, tired but not really sleepy. I don't really have a destination in mind. I drove around and by Sarah's apartment twice in the past half hour. My cell phone is recharging on the seat. Some sixth sense told me to take it with me. My eyes are somewhat bloodshot in the mirror. I can just hear AJ saying, "Commander, when was the last time you really slept?"
A song on the radio, from some random station I picked has been playing. I recognize it as Howie Day's song Ghost. How appropriate seeing I just got a visit from the Ghost of Romance Past.
Oh, Won't you take yourself a photograph and laugh at me please you make yourself a photograph and laugh at me please
Australia. Why is it, the Land Down Under just popped into my mind just now? Actually I know damn well why it just did. It has something to do with a certain ferry ride....SHIT!!!!!
"Watch it you jerk!" I yell out of my window as a car nearly hit me going the other way. Actually it would be my fault, I wasn't really paying attention, a little too much was in my head right now.
She's about 5'9", great skin, could kick my six from here to the arctic if she had to, brown hair, brown eyes. She's also very fragile, I've seen it when she sleeps. Before you even start calling me some sort of man whore, let's set things straight. I've been on missions with Mac, I mean Sarah, where we've shared hotel rooms, bunks, and other places. Watching her sleep, you'd never see the outwardly tough, professional female Marine I work with on a daily basis. I can't really describe it, but it melts my heart to watch.
No I, wanna taste your love No I...no I No I, just wanna taste your love Oh, no I....
When I first saw her I instantly thought of Diane. It seems my old Jimmy Buffet t-shirt hasn't lost its touch. Because I can practically see Diane's fading silhouette sitting in the seat next to me. That's it Rabb, first thing in the morning you're seeing a psychiatrist, specifically a male one! I don't need another Jordan type affair getting into my path.
Funny how a lot of the problems of men can directly or indirectly be traced to women. For example, the battle of Thermopylae, when a Greek traitor led the Persians up the goat trail over a woman and killed 300 Spartans. I know, big stretch, but I've already done enough crazy things to help Sarah out that sometimes I'm wondering what's next, I'm gonna assassinate the governor over her.
"Harm, you know you do need to tell her how you feel." Diane says.
"She's getting married already Diane! I've told her how I felt, at the Admiral's porch, and later with that CD I left in her inbox before I went back to flying." I replied.
"She needs more." Diane replies.
"How much more. She's engaged to Mic!" I practically shout at thin air.
Great, now I'm arguing with myself at three o'clock in the morning, driving around Georgetown. Where's the nearest bar, I need a drink. Or a shrink, I think this is the result of the crash and being stranded out in the ocean.
"I'm imagining you! Go away!" I shout.
"Harm, I'm not the one fighting with myself." Diane says.
Standing in your shoes I turn and now you're standing bare in my doorway I only wish that I had been prepared I'm gonna have to go along with your way
I get onto the Beltway and am driving aimlessly back to my apartment when my cell phone rings. I figure it's probably Renee demanding an explanation as to why I called her Mac last night, so I don't answer.
I'm not in the mood to talk to my very likely soon to be ex-girlfriend right now. The only person I really want to talk to is Sarah, who's probably happily asleep beside her fiancé right now. I swear if Bugme does anything to break her heart I'm going to Leavenworth for manslaughter at the minimum.
Finally curiosity gets the better of me, followed by some uncanny sixth sense that the phone call was important enough to the caller to possibly wake me up at four thirty in the morning. I pick up my phone and the voice I hear just about stops my heart. It's Sarah, and she sounds like she's in pain, practically crying between words.
"Harm? Where are you? Please pick up. I need you...."
I stomp on the gas pedal, "Rabb you idiot!" I curse as I pull a U-turn on the median. No sooner than I do that I see flashing blue lights behind me.
"Shit." I groan as I see a female police officer.
"What can I do for you officer?" I say.
"Sir, why did you make a u-turn on the median?" she asks.
"I just got a phone call from my friend. She needs me over there pronto!" I reply.
"Get out of the car." She says.
Damn it! Why did this have to happen? I know the moment they let me call, I'm calling Mac, but I'm pretty sure that when I do it'll be too late.
"Could you give me your password?" she says. I comply.
The policewoman with one eye on me is checking my voicemail. "Sir, I'll write you a ticket for reckless driving, but I suggest you get your ass in gear back to where you were going."
"Yes ma'am." I say and jump into the SUV, flooring the gas pedal all the way back to Georgetown.
Just take the plastic camera out It's in the pants you borrowed in the driveway Alive from the first now I'm denied by the ghost of you
I charge up the stairs, two at a time, barely remembering to lock my car and turn the engine off. I bang on the door three or four times before I go looking for where she keeps her spare key. I find it, but if I didn't I'd kick the door down and worry about recriminations later.
"Mac!" I shout into the apartment as I run inside, "Where are you?"
I hear the sound of crying, and it's a sound that rips into my soul whenever it involves Sarah. It's coming from her bedroom and I open the door. For the second time tonight (I know it's past 0400 so shut up!) my heart just about stops. Sarah's eyes are red, she's been crying a while, I can tell. All walls and defenses are scaled and down. I sit beside her on the bed and hold her close.
"Shh...It's alright, I'm here now....What's the matter?" I say, soothingly as I hold her.
"Harm, Mic left me last night. He was saying that it wouldn't work because of how worried I was about you..." she says.
She cries for a few more minutes before she falls asleep. I set her down and am about to leave when I hear her say, "Harm, don't go. Stay with me."
I pull my shoes off and hold her close to me, resting her head on my chest as we both fall asleep.
Make yourself a photograph & laugh at me please Yeah make yourself a photograph & laugh at me please No I want a taste of love no I I was alive from the first Now I'm denied by the ghost of you
The next day at work feels extremely weird. But at least everyone's chalking it up to the fact that Bugme left Sarah. Renee left a Dear John letter on my bed which I promptly threw out. However, Sarah hasn't exactly come running into my arms like last night. Quite the opposite, she's been avoiding me all day. Well its now or never, I think as I see her get into the elevator.
I join her inside it and there's only us for the moment. I stop it between floors and ask, "Sarah, are you alright?"
"Harm, please don't call me that."
"Mac, what's the matter?" I continue.
"Harm, please don't do this. We already did enough last night." Mac replies. Amazing, all I did was hold her to me when she was hurt, but I can understand, strangely. She just needed a friend, not a lover right now. And I'll wait, this time I won't be shy about how I feel. Somewhere up in heaven, Diane must be smiling.....
Disclaimer: I do not own JAG. This takes place around the time of Mac's engagement to Brumby (up to and including Adrift), just after the engagement party. I completely understand what Harm was going through because I'm hurting in much the same way currently, and suffering in silence. Howie Day's Ghost is not owned by me either. This piece also corresponds to my story Against All Odds, so read it first. Any discrepancies are because I haven't seen the series for a while. I'm also adding this as a precursor to my fanfic Operation Red Witch.
~ ~ ~ ~
Lately I've been thinking Lately I've been dreaming with you I'm so resistant to this type of thinking Somehow it's shining through
"Harm, did you just call me Mac." Renee said to me one night. It was an accidental slip, and I tried to deny it.
But Renee, Miss Videoprincess as my partner so named her, is right. I've been thinking and dreaming of someone lately. And sorry Renee, it isn't you. She's a brunette, sharp witted, a complex character that deserves better than to be paraded about like some kind of trophy pelt by the likes of Bugme.
Way to go Rabb, now you're starting to sound pathetic. Very pathetic. I remember after the last time we were stuck aboard two separate submarines. A Russian sub and an American sub in a deadly game of cat and mouse. I could see the look in Mac, I mean Sarah's eyes when Brumby and Renee found us walking into JAG. I knew for a brief second it was Mac wanting to tell me something.
"Are you alright Harm?" I thought I heard a voice. It isn't Renee because she left in a huff after I called her Mac, but its someone else. I turn around and see quite literally a ghost from my past. Diane. She's wearing her summer whites, looking not a day older than the day I last saw her. Except I last saw her at her funeral.
"Harm, don't let her get away..." Diane's voice sounds as she disappears into the night. My old Academy sweetheart, gone. I could list them all in my head if I really wanted to. But lately only one really matters. I hope to God I don't add Mac to that list.
I pulled out a photograph I hadn't looked at in years. It's a picture of me and Diane as midshipmen, during our third class year, after we finished our summer cruise. It's a sunny day, she and I are standing in front of the chapel, on the steps with Keeter taking the picture. When I do this, its almost as if I can feel Diane standing in the room, peering over my shoulder from beyond the grave.
I was alone for the last time Before my nights' vacation with you Alive from the first now I'm denied By the ghost of you
I remember the day she died as if it were yesterday. I still have nightmares of seeing a body in a bag. I had to literally rely on ingrained military discipline to not break down completely. I remember a salty old senior chief giving me a comforting pat on the shoulder that I barely acknowledged. I was a familiar sight on the ship during pre-deployment, sneaking time to talk to Diane whenever possible. And then she was dead. No longer to smile with me, laugh at or with me, or talk to me again.
Oh you take yourself a photograph and laugh at me Please
"It's not that easy..." I groaned to no one in particular. It's at least another three hours whereupon I figure out I can't sleep. I throw on jeans and a clean collared shirt with my lucky Jimmy Buffet t-shirt. Diane and I watched him perform our firstie year at the Academy, three days before graduation. I never wore it after she died, because I could feel her presence, but somehow I need to face the past.
I know there's little use in crying It's more wide awake and dying than I'm used to I thought we'd walk these streets together Now I'm hoping that I'll never have to meet you Step aside from all this anger And somewhere in between I can feel you Ask me should we try again I'm thinking no yeah It's not what I believe in It's not what I believe in
I've been driving around for at least two hours now, tired but not really sleepy. I don't really have a destination in mind. I drove around and by Sarah's apartment twice in the past half hour. My cell phone is recharging on the seat. Some sixth sense told me to take it with me. My eyes are somewhat bloodshot in the mirror. I can just hear AJ saying, "Commander, when was the last time you really slept?"
A song on the radio, from some random station I picked has been playing. I recognize it as Howie Day's song Ghost. How appropriate seeing I just got a visit from the Ghost of Romance Past.
Oh, Won't you take yourself a photograph and laugh at me please you make yourself a photograph and laugh at me please
Australia. Why is it, the Land Down Under just popped into my mind just now? Actually I know damn well why it just did. It has something to do with a certain ferry ride....SHIT!!!!!
"Watch it you jerk!" I yell out of my window as a car nearly hit me going the other way. Actually it would be my fault, I wasn't really paying attention, a little too much was in my head right now.
She's about 5'9", great skin, could kick my six from here to the arctic if she had to, brown hair, brown eyes. She's also very fragile, I've seen it when she sleeps. Before you even start calling me some sort of man whore, let's set things straight. I've been on missions with Mac, I mean Sarah, where we've shared hotel rooms, bunks, and other places. Watching her sleep, you'd never see the outwardly tough, professional female Marine I work with on a daily basis. I can't really describe it, but it melts my heart to watch.
No I, wanna taste your love No I...no I No I, just wanna taste your love Oh, no I....
When I first saw her I instantly thought of Diane. It seems my old Jimmy Buffet t-shirt hasn't lost its touch. Because I can practically see Diane's fading silhouette sitting in the seat next to me. That's it Rabb, first thing in the morning you're seeing a psychiatrist, specifically a male one! I don't need another Jordan type affair getting into my path.
Funny how a lot of the problems of men can directly or indirectly be traced to women. For example, the battle of Thermopylae, when a Greek traitor led the Persians up the goat trail over a woman and killed 300 Spartans. I know, big stretch, but I've already done enough crazy things to help Sarah out that sometimes I'm wondering what's next, I'm gonna assassinate the governor over her.
"Harm, you know you do need to tell her how you feel." Diane says.
"She's getting married already Diane! I've told her how I felt, at the Admiral's porch, and later with that CD I left in her inbox before I went back to flying." I replied.
"She needs more." Diane replies.
"How much more. She's engaged to Mic!" I practically shout at thin air.
Great, now I'm arguing with myself at three o'clock in the morning, driving around Georgetown. Where's the nearest bar, I need a drink. Or a shrink, I think this is the result of the crash and being stranded out in the ocean.
"I'm imagining you! Go away!" I shout.
"Harm, I'm not the one fighting with myself." Diane says.
Standing in your shoes I turn and now you're standing bare in my doorway I only wish that I had been prepared I'm gonna have to go along with your way
I get onto the Beltway and am driving aimlessly back to my apartment when my cell phone rings. I figure it's probably Renee demanding an explanation as to why I called her Mac last night, so I don't answer.
I'm not in the mood to talk to my very likely soon to be ex-girlfriend right now. The only person I really want to talk to is Sarah, who's probably happily asleep beside her fiancé right now. I swear if Bugme does anything to break her heart I'm going to Leavenworth for manslaughter at the minimum.
Finally curiosity gets the better of me, followed by some uncanny sixth sense that the phone call was important enough to the caller to possibly wake me up at four thirty in the morning. I pick up my phone and the voice I hear just about stops my heart. It's Sarah, and she sounds like she's in pain, practically crying between words.
"Harm? Where are you? Please pick up. I need you...."
I stomp on the gas pedal, "Rabb you idiot!" I curse as I pull a U-turn on the median. No sooner than I do that I see flashing blue lights behind me.
"Shit." I groan as I see a female police officer.
"What can I do for you officer?" I say.
"Sir, why did you make a u-turn on the median?" she asks.
"I just got a phone call from my friend. She needs me over there pronto!" I reply.
"Get out of the car." She says.
Damn it! Why did this have to happen? I know the moment they let me call, I'm calling Mac, but I'm pretty sure that when I do it'll be too late.
"Could you give me your password?" she says. I comply.
The policewoman with one eye on me is checking my voicemail. "Sir, I'll write you a ticket for reckless driving, but I suggest you get your ass in gear back to where you were going."
"Yes ma'am." I say and jump into the SUV, flooring the gas pedal all the way back to Georgetown.
Just take the plastic camera out It's in the pants you borrowed in the driveway Alive from the first now I'm denied by the ghost of you
I charge up the stairs, two at a time, barely remembering to lock my car and turn the engine off. I bang on the door three or four times before I go looking for where she keeps her spare key. I find it, but if I didn't I'd kick the door down and worry about recriminations later.
"Mac!" I shout into the apartment as I run inside, "Where are you?"
I hear the sound of crying, and it's a sound that rips into my soul whenever it involves Sarah. It's coming from her bedroom and I open the door. For the second time tonight (I know it's past 0400 so shut up!) my heart just about stops. Sarah's eyes are red, she's been crying a while, I can tell. All walls and defenses are scaled and down. I sit beside her on the bed and hold her close.
"Shh...It's alright, I'm here now....What's the matter?" I say, soothingly as I hold her.
"Harm, Mic left me last night. He was saying that it wouldn't work because of how worried I was about you..." she says.
She cries for a few more minutes before she falls asleep. I set her down and am about to leave when I hear her say, "Harm, don't go. Stay with me."
I pull my shoes off and hold her close to me, resting her head on my chest as we both fall asleep.
Make yourself a photograph & laugh at me please Yeah make yourself a photograph & laugh at me please No I want a taste of love no I I was alive from the first Now I'm denied by the ghost of you
The next day at work feels extremely weird. But at least everyone's chalking it up to the fact that Bugme left Sarah. Renee left a Dear John letter on my bed which I promptly threw out. However, Sarah hasn't exactly come running into my arms like last night. Quite the opposite, she's been avoiding me all day. Well its now or never, I think as I see her get into the elevator.
I join her inside it and there's only us for the moment. I stop it between floors and ask, "Sarah, are you alright?"
"Harm, please don't call me that."
"Mac, what's the matter?" I continue.
"Harm, please don't do this. We already did enough last night." Mac replies. Amazing, all I did was hold her to me when she was hurt, but I can understand, strangely. She just needed a friend, not a lover right now. And I'll wait, this time I won't be shy about how I feel. Somewhere up in heaven, Diane must be smiling.....