the diary of len kagamine.
warnings: masturbation, mentions of suicide, high levels of teenage angst, incestual feelings, unbeta'd content, and many more.
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December 26th.
Diary,
: It's cold outside... But it isn't snowing anymore. :
I like to think that the world's curiosity revolves around the word, "why". For example:
"Why doesn't she like me back?"
"Why is the sky blue?"
"Why did I get bad marks on my test even after studying all night for it?"
"Why did love itself have to find me, slap me right in the face, throw me face-first into the ground, and torment me by choosing the most utterly wrong soulmate in the world?"
The first question that comes to my mind is "why".
Not "who", "what", "where", "when", or "how"; but rather, the simple curiosity that leads you to ask for the reason of everything's complex existence. By asking why something is happening, you're questioning fate's choices. Those two words definitely conflict with each other, but it's what I think.
They're the same thing.
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"I felt like an animal;
and animals don't know sin, do they?"
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Why am I such a repulsive, insecure introvert who starts their diary entries by simply questioning the mere existence of the world's thirst for knowledge?
Well… I should introduce myself.
My name is Len Kagamine.
I think that's all that you should know about me. Why am I not giving this empty notebook I found in my basement yesterday a proper introduction to myself –oh god, my sanity-? Well, it's because I'll definitely be gone by tomorrow.
I have it all planned. It's simple. I won't do anything like recording myself moments before death, saying my farewells and "I love you"s to already insignificant people that I'll soon leave behind; or setting fire to my body; or drowning my aching self in bleach or mouthwash or some kind of obscure chemical.
I'm jumping off of a rooftop. It's quick and simple, really. The fall will take forever, leaving me with my thoughts for a few seconds until-
Splat. I'm dead. Gone from this boring world. Relief. Euphoria.
What a nice introduction, no?
Diary, the reason I'm writing in you is because I want at least one person, one thing, one entity created by a withering, devolving, mind's imagination, to be able to hear my thoughts and listen. I wasn't looking in the basement for anything in particular, but once I'd found you, I immediately wanted to write this.
Again, "why"? That's a simple, yet complicated thought. Everything in the universe seems to be like this. It's different depending on perspective. Suicide is simple, but entirely complicated because it involves taking one's own life because they couldn't handle reality anymore.
But it's true. Reality is a far cry from the world I want to belong in. Anything is better than this monotonous Earth I've grown to know and dislike because the only person who could paint a clear, vivid picture on these gray frames was the loveliest human being I'd ever come to know and love dearly.
How angsty.
I'm sure she loves me, too. She's different, diary. She's nothing like the fake masks plastered onto sneering, hidden faces because, well, everything about her is pure. She's so lovely, so beautiful, so blinding, that it's disgusting.
"It" as in me, of course, because she could never come close to being disgusting like me, who'd agonized over her for a few years now. That is, ever since she moved back in and our parents got back together.
Disgusting, disgusting, disgusting Len who is wrong to have thought he could ever live a normal life on this tiny planet he'd ever dared to call his "home". Perfect, dazzling, innocent, wonderful her that is unreachable, untouchable, and beautiful and loving and enigmatic and-
The worst person I'd ever hoped to fall in love with. You see, diary, she's my twin sister. But I guess you saw that coming because no one in their right minds would fall in love with someone and say they want to kill themselves over it. I'm not even exaggerating.
I want to die.
Incest is wrong in an infinite number of ways. I don't even think I have to name them, but the consequences of my unnatural feelings strike my mind every single day.
You're the only one I can confide in. I'll be sure to burn you later, though, or maybe take you with me on the rooftop. Just you and me.
But I know that someone will find you, repulsed and nauseated that the hideous gore smirching the white pavement was none other than an angsty, sick teenager with abnormal thoughts about his twin sister.
That is, the same girl he'd just so happened to have shared a womb with, countless facial similarities, his birthday, his parents, his damned life, and all of his greatest and worst and beautiful memories. Now, could I really be in love with my sister?
Well, yes. Therefore, I'm bringing up the universal question once again- "why"- because, for some reason, it's fundamentally the most important question that must be answered by the sick bastard who wishes he could have his sister for himself.
But it won't, actually, can't be answered. Because you can't just choose who you fall in love with so hard that your everything hurts when you think about her –your bones, blood, heart, skin, chest, ears, throat, every cell that makes up the you that was born-, your mind goes blank because all you can see, hear, smell, love is her when she's near you or in the other room, and you become so, so meticulously appalled with yourself –right down to your shivering core- at the back of your head but you just decide not to think about those things because she's right there and you want her to belong to you and she smells so good and you simply love her with all your heart and soul.
I didn't choose to stare at my twin the way I did; I never wanted to. I didn't choose it, but fate, the gods, whatever force that was driving every person's future, decided to play the cruelest joke on the most unproductive, worst human being in the world.
So, the "why" of my life can be crossed out.
"When" should be answered, though. I might as well record everything since I'm going to die anyways.
Like how you can't just choose to fall in love with a specific, living, breathing, laughing someone, you are also incapable of correctly timing such a hardcore emotion. I don't know when it happened. It just did over the course of knowing her for a long, long time.
Wow, I really am useless. I can't even recount when I'd committed such a sin that breaks me, tortures me, twists me into a piece of nothingness but also has my heart pounding with intense love and my mind running in various places because it's too stressful to handle loving her and desperately hiding it at the same time.
At this point, I'm not even sure if it's a sin anymore. Society hates anything that is not normal and I've previously always strived to fit in, but there was just that one thing that made me different from anyone else that I couldn't change no matter how hard I tried.
Whether it's the idea of incest or the act itself or the consequences on your children that makes it a taboo topic, I'd pondered this for a long time and I'm still not sure of the answer.
But anyhow, we'd always been close. Like normal siblings, we fought often. Like normal siblings, we made up and constantly played together because we needed each other for support and love. Like normal siblings, we eventually went our separate ways in life because we were not attached at the very hip –even if I would have liked that kind of situation.
She dated people. She made friends. She went to places after school to hang out with her friends. She moved on from just having her introverted, imperfect sibling at her side to having a vast network of people she could rely on because telling her twin brother some things would only result in awkwardness because of the distance spread between them.
I was never able to move on from watching her shine from the distance. I, who was content with staying in the shadows to admire her beauty, was left behind in her whirlwind of life and was no longer considered important.
Maybe she saw it- that gleaming, predatory look in my eyes that shone when I gazed much too long at her. Maybe she was scared because of it. Or maybe she just didn't need her brother anymore. But whatever it was, I could never stop myself from watching her, as stalker-like as it may sound. Because it is, honestly. And that adds up to the many reasons why I want to leave and go to another place called "home".
I guess it started small. Noticing different things about her like little quirks and odd hobbies to changes in her body and the gentle warmth of her voice when she talked to accidentally staring for longer than I should've because I was observing her and then it suddenly became knowing her entire schedule for the week because I'd wanted to know when I would be able to see her and just more and more that added to the fact that I was disgustingly loving her.
I use disgusting a lot, if only to prove my point that I'm a monstrous being feeding on his sister's life.
I haven't even mentioned her name, but it's Rin. Short and sweet but painful to write out. I mean, even now, my hand is trembling because her name means so much to me. Three letters, pronounced with one syllable. Her name, identity.
Rin and Len. Our names match, kind of like how parents usually name their twins. It sort of makes me angry though, because I want to change my name, my face, my birthday, my parents, my life, if I could only just be allowed to love someone like her- like my sister. I'm angry, too, because I'm even considering this, when I should be trying to fall in love with other people, no matter the gender, to run away from the hell that is awaiting me because I looked at the wrong person.
But I'm running out of time now. I do have time, but I don't. I need to get everything set. It sounds kind of stupid to plan your suicide, but I've always been a stickler for details, details, details. How high the hem of her skirt was, how many minutes it's been since she was due to come home, the slight dimple in her cheek, the inward curve of her hair; details.
I'll die in the evening, which is the final boundary between light and darkness until the blackness swallows my splattered corpse and my existence fades into the vast oblivion that is the night.
I'll die alone, feeling alone. I won't talk to anyone much tomorrow. It'll be a blissful freefall into my death. A final breath of relief before everything literally comes crashing down and I won't have a Rin to love anymore. My lungs will not breathe the oxygen set into the air and my school uniform will never be worn in again. My heart will not beat solely for both Rin and pumping blood.
But that's okay. It's okay. That's all okay because once this is over, to whatever separate world I run to, I will be free from this secret, her presence, and my passionate love for the girl that is my sister.
Dying is something that is right for the one who no longer wills himself to live in this boring world that his Rin can only color, as selfish and stalker-like as it may be.
My body is a time bomb ticking away, second by second, minute by minute, expecting to explode and leave the world for good in blazing flames and wide-scale destruction.
This is my last goodbye, but also my most meaningful. I hope that I can at least die according to plan.
So, goodbye diary. It's been fun.
-xX Len Kagamine Xx-
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By the time you were born there were four other siblings
with your Mama awaiting your Daddy in jail
Your oldest brother was away at a home
and you didn't meet him 'til you was nineteen years old
Old enough to know better, old enough to know better
but you took to his jaw line and long sandy hair
How he made you feel like none of the others
and the way he looked at you touched you deep down in there.
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December 28th.
Diary,
I'm still alive, unfortunately. I was extremely sidetracked and my mind wandered to other things that didn't involve suicide but Rin. Actually, it was my –our- seventeenth birthday yesterday. I did whatever I could to be able to leave the house. I made up excuses, but my parents thought I was being silly and childish. I badly wanted to leave, to go to the soon-to-be-haven that is the rooftop I'd generously chosen as my suicide-site.
But… I couldn't leave. Not when I saw Rin like that. Not when I knew. My beautiful Rin. It was uncharacteristic of her to look like that, and I hadn't even calculated the fact that she would be the one to stop me.
Every conversation I have with her is memorable, and so is every moment. It went like this:
As I said before, I was in a hurry to leave so I could rush off into this new, free world I'd been hoping to find (most likely in hell). And so, while our parents –and I'd wrongfully assumed that Rin was with them- went off to buy two obligatory birthday cakes that morning for their twins and left our uncle to watch us, I'd wandered into my bedroom to simply sneak out ("I… E-Excuse m-me…").
It was incredibly, painstakingly simple.
But, well… I couldn't leave this world without reminding myself of Rin, could I? And so I entered her room without permission for the millionth, and what I thought was the last, time.
And. Uh. Well. Err.
How awkward of me. It's a bit uncomfortable to write on paper…
But she was sprawled out on her messy bedsheets in her otherwise neat room, desperately biting into her hand so she wouldn't make any unnecessary noises. Her lacy, white underwear was tossed on the floor beside her. Her bare legs were spread wide open, two slim fingers rubbing in and out, back and forth, deeper, faster into her core. The sheets under that were stained with liquid that seeped from inner thighs. Erotic, sea-blue eyes narrowed and plunged with hazy lust gazed up at the ceiling as she continued her silent, strained masturbation.
Needless to say, even then, she managed to take my breath away. Even thinking about it now, it supplemented the sick fantasies I'd conjured up in my head … Yeah.
Diary… I really can't have anyone finding you.
Anyhow, I squeaked rather girlishly, causing the air to practically thin and Rin to jump in her place and permanently pull her fingers out. Her eyes, blown wide, blinked a couple of times as she tried to register what was happening.
I, too, was stunned and just stood at the door like the idiot I always will be until the day I die (which is hopefully very soon). My sweaty palms were clutching the doorknob and I was unsure of what to do at that moment.
"L-L…!"
She could barely get the first letter of my name out because she was too flustered to realize that I'd been, again, staring for too long at the sight that had my blood boiling, my mind once again running, and my hormonal teenager senses kicking in very, very hard. Other things were getting hard, too, of course, because that is my lovely twin sister I was seeing.
"Y-You… f-forgot to lock the door…"
I'm an expert at socializing, if you haven't noticed already.
I really, really hadn't thought that she was still home.
I shut the door quickly, deciding to leave Rin to her private thoughts. Whatever, whoever, she was thinking about when she was doing that, it wasn't me.
I actually didn't care at that point, because I was kind of enchanted by that and… I don't know… seeing this different side of Rin –apart from her cheerful, kind self- definitely turned me on more. I wanted to be those fingers, trailing my mouth all over her body until she just collapsed from the intensity, the heat, and the sexual frustration I'd been feeling all along.
And, again, that was a problem. Yet another reason for me to plunge to my death. Woohoo, you go, Len.
Ha…
I ended up getting myself off after that, obviously. I had to take care of it somehow. But 1) I locked the door and 2) I was sure Rin or our uncle wouldn't wander in anyway (especially Rin).
It was a regular experience for me. Rin, oh Rin, Rin. I could never say those words out loud and bit that dangerous mantra back when I did it. How many times has it been already…? Well, it's not like I need to count.
So anyway, that's what stopped me from dying yesterday. Well, not entirely. Eventually, she wandered into my room after an hour and a half while adamantly avoiding my confused stare.
The conversation went as follows:
Rin remained by the doorknob, grabbing onto the lock as if I would cuss her out or something (like hell I would do that). I was sitting calmly on my bed, waiting for her to say her piece.
"L-Len..." Her lips thinned.
I nodded, pressing her on. I was clueless at that point, because the relationship between us was just so strained and awkward, so we could've just left it there and pretended nothing happened.
It was already awkward enough, considering she had a social life (she invited a bunch of her friends to the party that I was really hoping to not live through) and didn't need her repulsive twin anymore.
"Sorry!" she blurted.
I was actually really shocked. It was just… shocking that she was actually speaking to me without having been forced to. But I guess she felt it was mandatory and hoped to -err- relieve me of the "misunderstanding".
"For…?" My voice was really low by then. I wasn't used to talking to her.
"I-I…!" This was incredibly unlike Rin, who could speak naturally, easily, and make it seem that she cares about you and only you.
She was so flustered. It was adorable.
I didn't answer her. I couldn't. If I said something long, I risked the chance of saying something incredibly stupid that might make my secret slip out.
"Sorry!" she squeaked out, but then started giggling behind her palm. "This is so weird. I'll probably make it even more awkward but happy birthday, from one twin to the other!"
"Happy birthday…" I'm still an awkward, disgusting person though.
"Thank you!" And she smiled this beautiful, cheery smile that I already loved dearly.
And before she left, she told me with a sly smile, "And you know… I've heard you at night. Our rooms are right next to each other, brother-dearest."
My first thought was, "Oh crap! Did I say anything dumb?!" and my second was that she called me "brother-dearest"… It's depressing.
Wet dreams are the most irritating of them all.
But she only giggled and said, "I'll find out who it is soon."
Yet I still couldn't register where, why, how, in what universe was Rin actually talking smoothly to me again as if we were old friends? I mean… masturbation…! She just ignored the barrier we'd built up over years of having separate, un-intertwine-able lives!
She had her friends, her boyfriends she dated briefly, her future, her life. She could've left me behind in the rubble, but instead she decides to pick me up and polish me after a long, long time spent writhing in the dust.
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Rin kept bothering me after that (not that I minded). She wandered into my room again when our parents came home with our cakes, making casual conversation in an attempt to catch up. I, of course, was still apprehensive about talking to her. Maybe she felt the need to because it's our birthday.
"So, who's the mystery girl in your dreams, Len?"
How straightforward of her.
I shook my head and refused to look into her eyes because said mystery girl was sitting on the bed with me and trying to ignore the fact that I just caught her masturbating a few hours ago.
"No one."
"Len, don't tell me you're a closet otaku." She said this with a bubbly smile and I could practically see animated flowers emanating from her cheerful aura.
I shrugged my shoulders indifferently, because I couldn't risk opening up to her, especially when she's talking about herself. I changed the subject (it was better for her to think I dreamt of 2D girls than her). "What about you?"
She couldn't hide the blush on her cheeks when I mentioned it. Was masturbation also an open topic, though?
"Len!" she whined (gosh, she's adorable). "It was just a guy I like, is all…"
Yeah, no, yeah it hurt. I already knew and tried to accept that she moved on from me, but she just… She was thinking of this guy who's everything I'm not.
That is, not related to her.
He doesn't need to watch her from the shadows.
"Who?" I pressed on, curious. I soon found out, to my dismay, that he was coming to wish her a happy birthday and was her current boyfriend.
"K-Kaito…"
Yeah, I knew him. We went to the same school and he's this dumb upperclassmen. He's childish and bubbly, but not as happy-go-lucky as her. I guess Rin likes those kinds of guys…
Wow. So she was imagining that it was him running his fingers through her and caressing her on her bed…? I clenched my jaw at the thought. It wasn't a very nice thing to think about.
The thing that ran through my mind at the moment was: "Well, I'm dying anyways. I can't do anything about it, though I want to…"
Well, moving on. She never managed to figure out that I wasn't a closet otaku, which was a good thing. When the party started, she completely ignored me. Her friends were apprehensive about approaching me, saying hesitant birthday wishes or just blatantly pretending I didn't exist.
Whatever.
Rin was too busy socializing, having fun, laughing, partying while I was sitting in my room, completely cut off from our birthday party. I didn't mind at all, though, because her friends are annoying and fake, unlike her.
She clung onto Kaito's arm the whole time, though. Tsk. If only that were me instead.
My wasted birthday cake sat in the back of the fridge because I'd managed to convince my parents that I didn't need to celebrate and I didn't have any friends to truly wish me a happy birthday.
The only presents I'd gotten were from my family. Mom gave me new socks, dad gifted me with headphones, and Rin gave me a framed photo of us when we were younger and much more innocent and I wasn't in love with her. I never got her anything, though.
… I was not sulking, but speaking the truth. I was supposed to be dead by then. It would've been fitting. I would rather die on my birthday than any other day of the year.
Rin's better off without me, her stalker of a brother.
Eventually, the party died down. The guests went home. Our parents drifted off into a deep sleep because they worked early tomorrow.
And then I heard it. It was a slight thump against the wall. It came from Rin's room. I stood up with the plan of checking on her, but I froze in my tracks.
"Kaito…" I heard her whisper.
And then a manly, deep-throated, predatory chuckle. Bastard.
More noises that were harshly whispered. Just one more thumping noise, and there were no more. I didn't know what to do. I knew what was happening, but I just wasn't sure because of my position.
I decided not to bother them. I can't stop them because I have no right to. I'm no longer her brother because I fell in love with her, even if she doesn't know that.
She'd probably hate me for embarrassing her like that… The last thing I want is for her to hate me, as selfish as it may sound.
As I'm writing this, I'm really tired. I was straining to listen to the sounds they were making like a pervert –the sounds of their sex- the entire night. At around 3, I heard him leave the house and breathed a sigh of relief.
I'm not sure what to do, though. I guess I'll have to rethink my suicide plan, because all I can think about for now is that Rin was having sex with Kaito and I couldn't do anything about it and I had no place to.
What I nice image in my head… Ergh.
That's it. I'm dying tomorrow for sure. Rin's clearly happy and loved, and I have no place in this world as her love-struck brother. The birthday plan was dumb. I'll have to try again, and this time I'll get it right.
Fate can't possibly keep rotten scum like me alive.
Good night. Diary, I'll write in you before I leave. I just have to sleep now, though. I hope I don't dream of Rin again. That's the last thing I need.
-xX Len Kagamine Xx-
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'Cursed is he who lies with his father's wife, because he has uncovered his father's skirt.' And all the people shall say, 'Amen.' 'Cursed is he who lies with any animal.' And all the people shall say, 'Amen.' 'Cursed is he who lies with his sister, the daughter of his father or of his mother.' And all the people shall say, 'Amen.'
Deuteronomy 27:20-23
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I'm trying something new. Feedback, please. I have a couple of things planned out, but I'm not sure how long this will be. I have two ideas for the ending, one not as screwed up as the other, and I'll figure it out throughout the course of this story.
Thanks for reading.