Keep me in mind

When you're ready

I could feel her heartbeat even with my chest against her back. It would always drum rapidly when I held onto her. With the sky as dark as it was at night, with the stars above us, I wanted to know what she was thinking; Damara wasn't good at sharing her thoughts.

With my arms around her, I remembered through a haze of memories from my Titan state of seeing a Titan about to devour a girl it picked up from rubble in Trost. I remembered vaguely of wrenching that arm off of that Titan, but never seeing her until that moment in the dungeon: the moment we both really lay eyes on each other. I hated that she saw the side of me that I hated, the side of me that made me unsure of myself. It was like she witnessed me as the monster I felt in my core I was.

But Damara wasn't like that. She looked at me, really looked at me, and saw that me I could be now and in the distant future. She didn't judge because she herself found out she could turn into a Titan. But she wasn't like me in that regard. Well, she was, but she wasn't. I maintained intelligence in my form, but Damara loses her intelligence in hers, becoming the mindless, bloodthirsty monster that we fought, that we kill.

Having her now, with the thought of one day killing her, sent shivers down my spine, shivers she noticed. "Eren," she breathed, her voice soft like the breeze that was around us. Corporal Levi would kill us if he knew we were out here, but for once, I didn't care because I was with her. "Eren," she repeated, twisting in my arms to look at me. Her eyes were such an unusual color: a shade of purple, dark in the night, but so light when the sunlight hit them just right. I loved her eyes. I met her gaze because she felt the same about my eyes.

"You shivered," Damara murmured, scanning my face for the shift in my behavior. Her hand rose to touch my cheek, her fingers pressing against my skin softly, but left a trail of heat. My hand automatically went to grip hers, not too tightly. She was breakable. "Are you okay?"

Her speech had become better, probably because she spoke with everyone in the Survey Corps now. Her words were no longer halting and she no longer had painful headaches. "I'm fine," I told her.

"No you're not." Her eyes were at half-mast and I could see her lashes. I squeezed her hand. "You were thinking about something," she added softly. "Do you want to tell me?"

I wished I could keep her innocent, but Damara witnessed the death of her former friends as a cadet once they entered the Corps. It triggered her transformation and when the back of her neck was sliced as a Titan, Damara detached from the steaming carcass and fell from the nape. I was livid to know that she endured that hell, but was in shock to know she shared my ability, that I wasn't alone. When she was put on trial, I wished I could tear the Military Police apart, into piles of torn skin and broken bones. They couldn't-wouldn't-hurt my girl while I live; but I was scared to even think with my hatred for Titans would cause our deaths or force me to lose her forever. "Don't you ever get scared of the future? When we get closer to eradicating the Titans?" I asked her, bringing her closer to me.

"I get scared that I would lose you to this…" Damara's voice was a whisper, but it was tinged with different feelings, feelings I couldn't identify. "I get scared that everyone would be hurt or worse and that we get no closer to killing every Titan than we can get to knowing about ourselves."

Ourselves. Because we were Titans too. "I'm scared that I would lose you to your hatred of them, that it will overcome you so much that you grow to hate yourself and me," she said and I could see her eyes beginning to become shiny—with unshed tears.

My hands found her face before her tears fell, holding it in my grip so that she couldn't look away. "I would never hate you, stupid," I told her, my tone harsher than what I meant. I had gotten to know Damara and if her Titan form hadn't pushed me into a murderous rage, nothing will. I swore not to hurt her, promised to take her with Armin, Mikasa, and I when we could finally have adventures with no Titan in sight. My heart banged in my chest when Damara's tears slipped from her eyes, over my fingers. My heart clenched. I hated seeing her cry, hated being a cause of her tears.

"Eren, I'm not like you. I don't maintain my intelligence as a Titan; I become those very monsters you swore to annihilate. Tell me the truth. If you never knew me, if you never knew I had been human, would you kill me as a Titan?" Damara asked, her voice a broken sob.

I crushed my lips to hers in a kiss, that current of heat flowing through me. I moved my lips against hers, desperate, to get her to understand how wrong she was. She wasn't a monster, wasn't a Titan. Those were the words she would tell me: You are not a monster. I didn't let up until I felt her kiss back, her tears still falling from her eyes. I pulled her impossibly closer to me, her body yielding against mine. My hands held her tightly, enough to bruise her, enough to break her.

When my lungs began to burn, I pulled away to look at her. Damara's cheeks were flushed, her breaths labored. It was one of the ways I liked her, in a state only I could render her. The silence between us lasted only a few moments before I pulled her close to kiss her again, only deeper. My heart raced, slowed, then raced again as we shared breath, our lips against each other. Against her lips, I whispered, "You want the truth? Here it is, Damara: you're my girl and if anyone tries to hurt you or take you from me, I'll tear them limb from fucking limb." I kissed her again, this time rougher, as I gripped her by her hips. She hardly ever wore the harnesses outside of expeditions. Heat rose up to my cheeks when I realized how easy it would be to have her.

But I wouldn't force her. Never. I loved her too much.

"Eren," Damara's voice was muffled, her lips moving against mine when she said my name. Her hands went to my shoulders, gripping the jacket with the Wings of Freedom emblazed on the back. I could feel her delicate fingers digging into my shoulders through the fabric. In her eyes was a question.

My hand went to the nape of her neck so naturally, it was like she was a part of me. No, not like. She was a part of me. Her hair was so soft, silky. I could never stop touching it whenever she would come to my room, to keep me company when she would have been locked in her own room. We would just lay in bed all night, with my fingers threading through her hair until she fell asleep—and I would join her, sometimes waking to wonder if we ever dreamt the same dream…

My forehead was against hers, our breaths still shared even though our lips weren't touching. "I love you," I told her and she moved to nuzzle her head against my neck. I touched her face. "I love you," I repeated.

"I love you." Her breath grazed my skin, her lashes tickling me when she blinked. Her arms dropped slightly to wrap around me, holding onto me. I held her tightly in my arms, to convey to her without words that I would never let her go.