S12 Part 1

Against our better judgement

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Set in AU S12. Derek is still dead in my universe unfortunately. But I just know I'm not going to be satisfied with what Shonda has in mind. Somehow these days the show just falls short of being great or interesting. So as always I turned to fanfiction to do what the show creators sometimes fail to do. Frankly, I searched fiercely for a certain type of fiction, the ensemble cast type, and when I could not find it, it became frustrating to the point where a plot bunny started messing with my head and I simply decided to write what I actually wanted to read. So this is not a shipping centered story as in it does not follow any ship in particular. I just don't do the one-ship very well. Also, you will see the usual cannon but if I decide mid-writing to go crack pairing I will. Be warned. They may be some continuity problem. Keep an open mind. (english is not my maternal language)

Character/Cast used in this story

(I will update this list as it goes)

Dr Meredith Grey Shepherd – Ellen Pompeo

Dr Cristina Yang- Sandra Oh

Dr Alex Karev- Justin Chambers

Dr Jo Wilson- Camilla Luddington

Dr Callie Torres- Sara Ramirez

Dr April Kepner- Sara Drew

Dr Stephanie Edwards- Jerrika Hinton

Dr Maggie Pierce- Kelly McCreary

Dr Catherine Avery- Debbie Allen

Dr Richard Webber-James Pickens, Jr

Dr Jackson Avery- Jesse Williams

Dr Amelia Shepherd- Caterina Scorsone

Dr Warren Fresker- Raul Esparzà

Dr Gabriel Fife- Michael Patrick Thornton

Dr Kyle Yeahquo- Daniel Henney

Dr Vika Gucic- Noomi Rapace

Dr Shane Ross- Gaius Charles

Dr Erwan Pelletier- Lee Pace

Dr Rudy Metzger- Michael Pitt

Dr Joseph "Jo" Simon Allenbach- Pedro Pascal

Dyshiki "Lloyd" Fresker- Gerard Butler

-1-

I wish you were here

The receding blue and oranges pushed valiantly against the dark veil of night. The sun floated downwards and crawled behind the horizon cruelly unaware this marked the ending of a long stressful day for one Meredith Grey. In the morning, she did a routine laparoscopy on a sixty-nine-years old yoga and smoothie lover and in the afternoon she had a very unnecessary meeting with Derek's lawyer. The familiar noisy hum of the fridge in the corner of the kitchen gave Meredith Grey a quiet sense of comfort. She leaned heavily on the shabby island that was once covered with Izzie Stevens's amazing guilt-filled cupcakes. Years later, it was now covered with vegetables of various sizes and colors ready to be cut in sophisticated sticks. Meredith paused and tried a broccoli dipped in French vinaigrette. Her face contorted weirdly. She did a good job it seems. It was barely edible.

She turned to her tablet inclined on an artificial slope made of cooking books. Thanks to Facetime, she could share Cristina Yang's mandatory fifteen minutes of lunch, one of the most precious moments of her best friend's existence, while she cooked dinner.

"How's the house? Did Karev, that scrooge, finally invested into a new shower? I dream of Italian marble when I come to visit you guys."

"Marble bathroom and Alex Karev ? Well…How to say this? It does not quite work together."

"Derek was amazing at this. He knew marble tiles better than anyone. We used to have these deep conversations…Meredith. It was always so profound. "

"Yup, my husband is just the most amazing guy in the world."

"He was."

"He was." She corrected absent-mindedly.

"I miss him. I miss all of you guys even George."

"I miss him the most. And Izzie?"

"You know I often reminisced about the days where you, Izzie and I were taking our shower together."

Meredith smiled at the thought of her old roommate. However, she could not quite remember the last time she and Izzie sat down for a chat, or the last time Izzie sent her a Postcard. She was not even sure she knew for Derek. Should she have called? How would such a call go? "Hi, Izzie, it's Meredith. You know your old roommate in Seattle. I'm calling to tell you that Derek... Remember the guy who successfully cut out that massive brain tumor in your head... You know my husband who exchanged his dream wedding for a Post-it one with you and Alex, the guy we used to call McDreamy all the time... Well, he is dead. How are you doing? Do you have kids? I have three now." It wouldn't go too well she thought.

Izzie left them plain cold, she broke Alex, she came back just to be a bitch again. She stepped on their friendship so many times like it had never happened, she could not quite remember why they were friends for a start. Still, she could not help thinking of her as family. You did not always agree with each other, but you were still family. She wondered if she was okay.

"That only happens in one of George's dreams. Book a hotel room, pervert. I have kids here."

"I don't want to waste my ridiculously high salary on a presidential suite. I have principles."

Meredith Grey froze to look at the tablet screen with winking eyes.

"Principles? Really? You want to call it that?"

"What? Someone looks jealous?"

"Yes, owning a hospital is considered poverty these days. I will teach that to my children."

"Only owning part of it should be… And the only thing that stacks on your desk are more bills. No need to flaunt."

" And I was just trying to ignore Derek's lawyer who want us to open the will… Now you tell me I actually need it."

"Yup, you are cash-strapped , you poor thing. Don't lie to the poor kids."

"That hospital is also yours? Stop dissing. It ain't cute."

"Hence this very truthful comment… The management is bad."

"That was your ex-husband."

"Mer… Owen has tons of qualities. He is a good chief of surgery when his head is in the game… When he is present… When he is motivated... I heard he was on another tour last year. Trying to get oneself killed generally means you're not doing better. His head was definitely not in the game. Why is he not doing better by the way?"

"Well, it's not like I was there either. Who am I to judge?"

"See? Sinking boat!"

"Okay, we may need a new chief and some new blood… but we will be fine. The Titanic is not sinking down. It's thriving. Still living in that one bedroom rental?"

Cristina shrugged smugly.

"You know it."

"You're cheaper than Karev."

"It's easier to clean."

"Do you clean?"

"No, but if I wanted to… It's easier to clean. Claire is my messiah. She cleans, she cooks…then she goes home to pick up her grandchildren after school. This life I love."

"She's basically the best woman you've ever had."

"Yup. You can tell Callie. "

"I will. Alex will also be so disappointed."

Cristina smiled mischievously.

"He is still my favorite bitch. Don't tell him! Oh no! Tell him!"

The girls grinned deviously.

" You're really lucky to have her. I'm still searching for my Claire… I have Wendy but it's not the same since as you can see I am cooking or more precisely I am trying to cook. And Alex is not here. He's going to sell me the house back. He bought a rundown loft in that part of town where we never go…with Jo. He's still coming home from time to time to take a shower since his new place is a flipping disaster."

"Who's his Jo?"

"Wilson. You know the intern? She was yours for a time. She is a resident now. "

"Oh, that Jo?!"

"Yup, she is a grown-up now. She owns a shooting gallery in Goble-Evans Street. Real grown-up stuff! "

Meredith winked with mischief.

"You're so mean."

"I know. So who's the Jo? Your Jo?"

"I have a Jo?"

"I have a feeling you do."

"Your feelings are on point, Dr Grey. Jo is someone that makes me see happy stars when I lie on my back."

Meredith laughed hard.

"Really?"

"I swear to god. He is that good."

"Can you send me a picture?"

"I can't."

"Why?"

"You're a widow now. You can easily steal my happy shining stars. I need all of them."

Meredith could not help the tremor in her hand. She bit her lips, still forcing her smile to her face. Cristina's face darkened in turn. She shook her head, ostensibly embarrassed.

"Too early. Sorry! That was dumb. That was such a dumb thing to say!"

"No, I'm good. I'm fine."

"No, you're not fine. You can't be fine, Mer. We are not fine. That was silly of me. Sometimes I pretend nothing bad ever happened to us. You know like we're living the life we're supposed to be living."

"With only happy shining stars? "

"Yes…"

Meredith sighed deeply.

" I think about it all the time. You know the happy shining stars? I see that Post-it because I had to bring it with me here. So I look at it… I see the children. I see Ellis…She's growing up so fast. I can't help it. I think about his arms on me that time. That last time…I think about it all the time. I never did see happy shining stars ever since. And...I honestly don't know if I ever will see them again. You?"

Cristina frowned.

"I'm doing better. Not better. But I'm better than all of you bitches, so that must count for something… It's silly. Thinking about Owen… after all this time… Pointless I might even add. But last time, Claire made me a peach pie. It was delicious. But all I could think of was that it was his favorite. It's probably still his favorite. Probably someone is making him peach pie as we speak…"

"He was dating Amelia for a while."

Cristina froze.

"Huh? Amelia Shepherd?"

Meredith nodded with a grimace of discomfort.

"Since when?"

"It started last year…on and off…way before… you know? It did not work out. That's why I did not tell you sooner. That's why I'm telling you now."

Cristina put her forks down. She licked her lips.

"Well! Why? She's a good Shepherd. The second best. She's twisted like us. She's hardcore. Her last crazy surgery with Dr Hermann was awesome to watch. I had sex on this thing."

"I don't think they were serious. It's over now."

"He's such an idiot. They should make it work."

"Cristina…"

"Of course don't get me wrong, I will always love him Blahblahblah but… He's an idiot. She is baby-friendly, is she not?"

Meredith reluctantly nodded, even though she was really unsure what to answer. Sure Amelia liked children, but Meredith never had that deep a conversation with her. She just knew what Derek told her at one point. She saw their father being murdered at a very young age just like him. She was an ex-addict who once OD'ed in her teens. She lost a anancephalic baby and the love of her life… The list of infortunes goes on...None of those things made her a particularly good candidate in the eyes of Meredith. She knew that type: The damaged type. She'd been one. Cristina had been one. Owen was not her favorite person in the world. But still she wanted the best for him. He did not leave Cristina for even more complicated. That would be unfair. In this case, she'd much rather things go back to normal with them. In which case, she'd get her best friend back at least. Yup, she was selfish like that.

"He could do worse, I tell you."

"Cristina…"

"I'm so going to cry this out later, preferably after a good orgasm."

"I'm going to cry too… probably…"

"Good, I wake you up at six (Seattle hours) just before bedtime for me, just before work for you. It seems a bit unfair. Is it okay for you?

"Well…"

"We will dance it out together."

"We don't have to do that, you know?"

"Oh yes we do! I mean you're still my person. I'm sorry I can't fill that empty spot beside you. I really miss your snores, Mer."

Meredith laughed again.

"I really miss your grunts too. I will be okay though. We will be… And I want a picture of Jo. He is a doctor, right?"

" Am I so predictable?"

"A bit. Cardio?"

Cristina searched through her phone an article on a European medical review written in French. It said that the world-renowned Dr Joseph Simon Allenbach had just led a trial on a mechanical heart transplant with positive results. Every other person would have showed Meredith a candid picture of their new lover, but it seems fitting for Cristina that the most important attributes she asked of her sex partners would be their drive and ambition to be the best surgeon.

"Yes from Switzerland."

"They know how to hold a scalpel over there?"

"He was nominated last year for a Nobel Prize. Can't you read French? No, do you ever read?"

Cristina teased.

"Sorry, my French is a bit rusty." She lied.

She never learned french. In her twenties, she backpacked through Europe with Sadie and enjoy her time there. She had been in France, saw the Eiffel Tower. But mostly she did everything during her trip but learned the language.

"It's hot, right?"

Cristina grinned like the Cheshire cat.

"I'm not even surprised. Married?"

"Divorced. No children. Not interested in long-term commitments."

"He is McYummy."

"I know. I barely know what to do with all that."

"I feel for you. I barely have a social life."

"Then what are you doing tonight? You're cooking. You never cook. Your children know that. They acquired from a very early age much need survival skills."

"Hey!"

"They love you still, Meredith."

" It's not for them. I invited the girls for dinner. It's been a long time since any of us had any social interactions whatsoever. I bet it will be more depressing than watching the reruns of E.R."

Cristina shook her head, clearly dejected. Did she actually watch the reruns of ER or was she just kidding? She could not ask that though.

"What happened to the Grey Sloane Memorial?"

"The on-call rooms are empty all day long."

"You're making me cry. The new batch of interns?

"Ugly ducklings with bad genes. Did I tell you that one of the idiots took the collar on a patient on their first day?"

"007 much."

"The hot one, I think his name is Deluca, he was late on his first day so he pretended to be a fellow. They're pretty much all licensed to kill!"

"There's a hot one?"

"Mildly hot only. "

"Let me guess he had pretty hair."

"He did."

" Pretty hair without a brain to go with it. Shame!"

Meredith nodded.

" April? April Kepner? She must be making necklaces out of flowers. She must be all rainbows and sunshine."

"… Since she lost Samuel… and went all GI Jane in Irak…with Owen in tow… I might add… Not so much. Jackson and her are on a break. She is like Wonderwoman now. She takes no shit from anyone. I know she is in pain. I understand where she's coming from but I can't help liking that version of her. I feel guilty as a result."

"Callie…"

"Ah…Let's not go there. Arizona and her are still sailing in different directions."

"Your new sister? What's her name?"

"Maggie. She's okay. Her parents are divorcing."

"She's celebrating?"

"No, she's not a twisted sister. She's pure like Bambi. She was born in that happy shining place with loving parents that failed to make her understand how life could suck in so many different ways all the time."

"She must have been shocked to be your sister."

"I consider that was a blessing for her. I hope my children will never have to go through what she is going through."

"Not a chance. Their beloved dad is dead. They are already well aware that life sucks."

Meredith took a sharp intake of breath. She forced another fake smile on a face. Cristina was not duped at all but preferred to change the subject.

"I'm relieved."

"So girls night-in…"

" Misery loves company. "

"And the kids?"

"They fell asleep in front of Frozen. It's Zola's favorite. She keeps asking to watch it over and over again. I hate every minute of that movie."

"I liked it."

"You watched Frozen?"

"Last year… with Zola…"

" You watched Frozen? Pardon my skepticism."

"Remember the wake?"

"Yup, barely… Alex could not find you… I think I was barely conscious. I hit the tequila hard that night and Mama Shepherd had to tuck me in."

" I feel guilty for that somehow. I was hiding."

"What?"

" I was so ashamed. I kept crying and that princess Elsa, she kept singing to let it go…and let it go I did. I told Zola that Aunty was on medication and that was our little secret. I'm so sorry. I feel like I was not there for you. But I was so emotional, Mer. I did not want you to see me like this. You know when I'm useless… I was useless."

Meredith leaned closer to the screen.

"It's okay, you're my useless person who likes Frozen and dates a Nobel Prize nominee! Maybe he has a brother who cured cancer? Or better, maybe he will create his own clones so that every woman in the world takes advantage of his greatness? God knows I could use some of that! "

"You're so mean. I will never tell you anything again."

"I'm just jealous. I thought I told you. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, I wish you some awesome gory surgeries and some great sex, Princess Cristina. At least, have fun for the rest of us. "

Cristina let out a deep laugh before disconnecting the call.