So, this is one of my older gap fillers to Qaf.
Post 4.09, Brian´s POV. (Brian is told to get back to bed by Justin to look after him during the radiation recovery)
I had to translate it first, ´cause in case you don´t know yet, I´m German.
So, please forgive me potential mistakes, it´s way easier to write innately in English than to translate a finished German story. I had to replace so many sayings and special idioms.
Holding him, if he falls...
(Ihn halten, wenn er fällt...)
Having given myself up to him, I´m lying on my bed.
He feeds me.
I´m ashamed anyway.
Why does he do this? Is he willing to humiliate me?
I can barely swallow, feeling like throwing up.
Just one spoon more of Debbie´s soup and I´m going to puke right over his lap.
„Justin!"
He watches me attentively, doesn't brook any contradiction. I´m so wiped out, I´m hardly able to stand up to him.
"Excuse me for a second," I say, fleeing to the bathroom as fast as possible.
Just to throw up again. I´ve eaten some of the soup just to do him a favor. He shouldn´t think I didn´t appreciate him helping me.
"Brian..." He stands in front of the bathroom, looking quite helpless.
"It´s okay. I´m not eating for good reason."
"I´m sorry. I thought..."
"I said it´s okay." Tired and bent double I sneak back into my bed.
At least he doesn´t support me as an invalid. But he´s quite about to, I can see that. As I lie down again I´m sighing for a moment. My crotch hurts like hell. Ice-Tina did a good job. Justin sits down next to me on the edge of the bed, leaving me with a bad conscious.
"Come here!" My hand taps on the place beside me.
I´d prefer to sleep. But my whole body hurts and I feel like having been hit by a truck. He doesn´t even dare to touch me or to come closer. He numbly lies beside me and awaits. I must have really hurt him. My heart contracts painfully. He always has to carry the can because of my personal insecurities. That´s not fair.
My hand is searching slowly for him and finally my fingers meet his. I look at him from the corner of my eye, he seems relieved. Then he turns around a bit and comes closer. I love him, more than everything in this world. And if I´ll have to croak from this damned disease, I never want to see the sadness in his eyes. Anyway I´m not perfect anymore, half a man. He´ll be disappointed after all. Real guys simply are like this. So is Justin.
I finally fall asleep, feeling terribly tired.
As I wake up again he lies close to me, having put his arm around my chest. I nearly get watered eyes therefore. He sleeps like a baby. Weird that I feel safe and home with him. But I never told him. Like the magic three words never crossed my lips before. I´m not such a pantywaist. Actually I always thought he´d know what he means to me. When we have sex together it´s special, every single time. Except him I never slept with anyone face to face like this before. That´s my way to say I love you.
He sprawls next to me, slowly waking up and amply yawning.
Then he recognizes me watching him.
There´s so much tenderness in his glance, it nearly freaks me out.
"Better now?" he asks quietly, laying his head upon my chest as if he were able to control my heartbeat that way.
"A little," I murmur, stroking carefully over his back with my hand.
„Brian...?"
„What´s up, Sunshine?" The one and only term of endearment I like to use. It didn´t come up to my ownmind so I don´t have to feel embarrassed.
"I love you," he whispers.
He doesn´t look at me, probably he´s afraid of me turning him down again. Although I like hearing it, if only from his lips. However it leaves me with a bad conscious every time because I´m not able to answer appropriately.
"Don´t say that..."
"Gradually you should believe in it."
"You don´t have a clue..."
"Whereof?" He still doesn´t look into my face. It´s much easier for us to talk about difficult things when not looking into each other´s eyes.
"It looks horrible..." The first glance in the mirror has brought me to tears myself. Therefore it must look really terrible.
"I don´t mind." Justin acts stubborn and irrational like usual.
"Can´t you take me seriously even for one time?"
"I do! You just don´t take yourself seriously. Your cock and balls aren´t everything about you."
"But they´re important, even for you."
„Will you be okay, function like before?" he asks quietly and I can feel him holding his breath. It is important to him though.
"The doctors say so. But it´s an implant after all." He breathes relievedly and I truly hope that the doctors really will be right in the end. "In case it won´t work like before, feel free to leave...," I add to keep a rear door open for him.
"Haven't you listened to me before?" he asks seriously, breathing hot on my naked chest. He still doesn´t look up to my face.
"Erm... What are you talking about?"
"I said I love you. I don´t mind your balls and cock not looking the same or functioning like before. I wish for you they will, just to make you happy."
His words nearly make me lose conscious. He doesn´t know what he´s talking about that lightheaded. Ever the romantic! As if a relationship could work even without a fulfilling sex life. Bullshit!
"You shouldn´t be that altruistic, Sunshine!"
„I´m not being altruistic, it´s the fucking truth. Nothing else." Still he doesn´t look at me, keeping his face on my chest while breathing easy.
Slowly but surely my heart warms up though, I have to admit. I just can´t help it. This young man must really love me, I think by myself, succeeding in swallowing upcoming tears again. But how do I thank him? I´m such an asshole.
"It´ll look dark a long time because of the radiation," I tell bravely. Guess I owe him the truth.
"So?"
"I just wanted you to know."
"Okay, I know now. Will it keep you from loving me with your heart?"
Right now my heartbeat stops for a second. He takes my breath away. Embarrasses me. My arms hold him even more and I can feel him relaxing in my embrace. Stroking over his back, I slightly push him towards me. I´m not able to answer him right now. There´s a way to big lump in my throat. I don´t deserve him. Never have.
"Brian?"
I don´t answer. I´m about to desperately fight the tears. He´ll immediately look at me, recognizing my emotional mood. Only Michael has seen me crying before when I´ve been drunk. But the reason had been approximately the same. The relation to my father, to my whole family. Now Justin happens to be my family. I would do everything for him. Why doesn´t he know that? He has already touched my heart the first night, then stole it in the course of time.
"Brian?"
Finally he lifts his head, staring at me. I close my eyes and actually a lonely tear runs silently over my cheek down to the neck. Justin moves a bit upwards and just kisses it away. His lips are wandering tenderly over my mouth, my chin, the neck and back again. He runs his fingers gently through my hair and I have difficulties not to let myself totally go.
"Shsh...," he whispers moved, kissing me again.
I´m just like paralyzed. Why is it that difficult for me? In case I admit, I can be hurt. Physically and verbally. We just lie there for a while and he tries to comfort me. But I still owe him an explanation. I haven´t forgotten. How could I?
"Nothing has ever kept me from that," I murmur with that big fat lump in my throat, avoiding ably the difficult words. I am the master of talking in a roundabout way.
Justin lifts his head off the curve of my neck and I dare to look at him. My eyes still seem a bit wet but I´m slightly having it under control again. He smiles. His sunshine smile. That´s what I love him for. Easygoing and happy.
"Not even the fiddler?" he asks, grinning.
"Not even the fiddler", I answer, dragging him into a heartfelt kiss, just to end that embarrassing conversation.
To kiss him has always been a privilege to me. I would always have died for this. Without batting an eye. It´s beautiful just lying here with him, cuddling. Have I really thought of cuddling right now? I obviously must be acherontic... Or just happy and honest to myself. Even a Brian Kinney needs some tenderness from time to time. Shit.
Seems like minutes and hours passing by. Being with him always makes me forget the time. I´m feeling better now, until I´ll have to do the next nuclear radiation.
"I want you to take a look," I break the silence, running my fingers gently through his hair.
"A look at what?"
"You know exactly what I mean...," I murmur ashamedly. It´s important to me not having secrets anymore, that he truly is aware of what he´ll get into with.
"Brian..."
"Just do it for me, okay?" My begging glance is able to convince him in the end.
He nods, slipping a little away from me. I can move myself only slow, everything hurts. But he helps me to take off my jeans, stripping them from my legs. Since very recently I´ve been wearing totally unerotic undies to protect me from marks and curious glances.
When he lies next to me again, leaning himself with his arm on my pillow, I´m looking insistently at him before pulling my pants slowly off the hips. Just far enough to survey my Achilles´ heel.
Justin consequently looks into my eyes, he´s really impossible. Simply adorable.
"Please...," I ask him quietly to start looking. My eyes desperately try to convince him.
It´s important to me. I would like to trust him blindly.
He slowly moves his head to the right, his glance resting on my swollen, severe reddened crotch. It´ll turn black only after some time.
I hold my breath. This must be shocking to him after all.
When his face turns to mine again, he looks satisfied. Neither shocked nor disappointed.
"Everything´s at its place. Perfect." He really means it. He´s never watched me more insistent before.
"So, you don´t think of it as...," I whisper, feeling insecure as expected.
"Repulsive? Is that what you wanted to say?"
I just nod. What a cruel word.
"Have you ever seen reports about anorexic girls on TV?" he suddenly asks and I truly ask myself if he maybe has become nutty as fruitcake or if he just wants to distract me from the actual topic.
I´m in a mist, nodding. It's been on TV often enough.
"And did you recognize how they see themselves in the mirror? How blurred they think of their picture?"
I nod again. Slowly but surely it begins to dawn on me what he´s driving at. He´s just too smart for me.
"They still think of themselves being too fat, although they are nothing but skin and bones," he unnecessarily explains to me.
"And it´s the same for me, is this what you wanted to get at?"
"Exactly. You see something completely different than me and the rest of the world."
"I´m not stupid, Sunshine."
"No, you aren´t, but bullheaded. I don´t see any wrinkle in your face, not the slightest hint of any fat on your body, and even your dick and balls seem to be in good condition after an operation with following radiation. A bit reddened and swollen but that´s all."
"I hate you...," I mumble offended, putting on my undies again.
"You love me," he says, cuddling up to me again.
"Do you always have to have the final say?"
"Yes. Get used to it!"
"I must have gone crazy..."
"I´d like to say you´re finally normal."
"Thanks. And I really don´t have any wrinkles? Don´t look kind of old?" He may be able to tell me a lot, but this? No way!
"To me, you´ll always be perfect. Because one doesn´t get older inwardly. In this regard I am kind of anorexic. It recovers this way."
I don´t know how he always does that but I have to laugh out loud immediately.
Suddenly his lips meet mine and I simply fly away...
Mrs. NiG, 05/25/2009
(Innocence)
Feel free to complain about whatever you want ^^