Title: Everyday I'm Shovelin'
Summary: Reborn was, in all honestly, impressed (but also not surprised) at actually getting 'The Shovel Talk'. (Or, in which Reborn gets threatened by half the Mafia, somehow also gets The (Other) Talk, and bonds with Chrome over creative ways of torture while bravely defending his beloved's honour.)
Disclaimer: Katekyo Hitman Reborn! belongs to Akira Amano
Pairing: R27
Warning: Set a few years post-canon. Cursing in Primo's name (it started as a joke but now the author accidentally liked it too much).
Everyday I'm Shovelin'
Reborn was, in all honesty, impressed (but also not surprised) at actually getting 'The Shovel Talk'.
And, rather surprisingly, the first of it came from arguably one of the youngest and the weakest (currently) member of the 10th Generation Vongola Guardians.
Lambo had come up to Reborn shortly after his beloved nii-san's relationship status had been leaked and while the entire Mafia was still in a panic (and uproar, for a minority of them). The hitman had stared, arms crossed and an eyebrow raised, at the teen who was shaking and crying throughout the bulk of his 'speech' (that had basically boiled down to "I hate you, and you stole my nii-san, so now I hate you even more") until the end, where he had pointed at Reborn and declared that he'd never stop stealing his nii-san's attention and subsequently ran off.
All in all, it was one of the most terrible (and least effective) speech Reborn had ever heard in his life, but the hitman had to (begrudgingly) give it to the Lightning Guardian―Lambo was no less terrified of Reborn than he was before, but his love and adoration for his adoptive brother had won out, and the youngest Guardian managed to scrap together enough courage to face the hitman (even if he did run away at the end).
Reborn was not at all surprised that the second one came from his first former student, one Cavallone Decimo.
Dino had asked the hitman out for coffee. They had taken some time to play catch up, since Dino had not seen his former tutor for a while (read: he'd been hiding from Reborn for a while), but the small talk died fast and the real talk came (Reborn did not miss Romario hiding in plain sight within the 650m-radius). The hitman was slightly impressed (and secretly a tad proud); Dino had slowly steered the tone of the conversation from casual to business and the blond had even slipped into 'Boss' mode. The Cavallone Decimo had grilled Reborn about his intentions to the best of his abilities (and courage) before bravely declaring that he would not spare a single effort in going after the Greatest Hitman in the World if Reborn ever broke Dino's precious adoptive little brother's heart.
Reborn finished off his coffee, patted his former student on the head with a faint smile before walking out of the café without another word.
Hibari showed up two days later, glared at the hitman for a grand total of one minute and twenty-seven seconds before walking off. Reborn shrugged and went back to cleaning his gun in preparation for his next job.
Gokudera and Yamamoto showed up next. Together.
Since the Vongola Storm Guardian's feelings towards Reborn was roughly 88% respect and 12% fear, Gokudera had, in the firmest and most even tone he could manage, expressly elaborated on making the hitman's life (in the Vongola Famiglia, at any rate) as difficult as he could possibly achieve by virtue of his status as the Vongola Decimo's Right-Hand man. As Reborn had expected, Gokudera had concluded his speech with a respectful bow, a soft request for the hitman to protect his most beloved boss and a blessing for them to be happy.
Yamamoto took over then. Unlike the Guardians that had shown up so far, the Rain Guardian did not explicitly make any threats. Instead, Yamamoto had congratulated Reborn on his newfound relationship and, like Gokudera, asked that Reborn take care of his best friend. On his face throughout his speech was one of the sincerest smile Reborn had seen in his life, yet the Rain Guardian's eyes had been sharp and there were no attempts to hide the fact that his hand had been on the hilt of his katana the entire time.
Shortly after Yamamoto had finished his sentence, the hitman's name was called by a familiar voice, and the two Guardians quickly excused themselves.
Reborn barely had a chance to adjust his fedora before the next Guardian came running.
Ryohei greeted Reborn with his usual enthusiasm, but the hitman was wary, because the boxer was not as subtle as he thought he was, and Reborn could detect the faint, near-maniacal glint in Ryohei's eyes.
Because he was right and—oh holy Vongola Primo—Reborn had never wanted to be more wrong than in that very moment because Ryohei started talking about safe sex—safe practices and using protection and more—right there in the middle of the very public hallway where the maids and fellow Mafiosi are walking about and are just barely holding in their laughter purely because Reborn will actually shoot them.
The speech went on for five minutes and counting before Reborn's hand twitched for his gun. Ryohei smoothly ended his talk immediately as if he planned it (he probably did), clasped a hand on the hitman's shoulder, grinned a sunny smile, then subtly high-tailed out of there.
(His lover would later spend a solid five minutes laughing his ass off, and Reborn would allow him that much leeway before pouncing on him and demonstrating just how much he knew about safe sex.)
Shortly after that infamous fiasco—because of course the entire Vongola estate would find out about it despite the inherent death threat attached to the incident—Reborn had woken up to a rather vivid nightmare of his innards being torn out in rather... creative ways. (His inner hitman could appreciate the creativity, even he felt a little queasy that particular morning.) The hitman would have credited that to the residential hell expert, if not for the fact that said illusionist came up to Reborn the very same afternoon, ranted about how Reborn had stolen the purity of his vessel to take over the Mafia, turned Reborn's black Armani suit hot pink, then stormed away.
(Well, joke's on Mukuro because Reborn rocked that hot pink suit proudly that day—the fact that his gun was always in hand contributed immensely—even as the hitman 'convinced' Gokudera to deduct the suit's worth from the illusionist's personal funds.)
(That being said, Reborn also developed a new-found respect for Chrome that day and, much to the Don Vongola's horror, bonded with the female Mist Guardian over creative ways of torture.
The two eventually went on a mission together. The survivors of that mission—including the Primo-damned enemy—demanded for intense, mandatory psychological evaluations and therapy. Vongola obliged. Reborn was billed for the entire process by the Don Vongola's orders. Reborn and Chrome were also banned from going on a mission together.)
There were more 'talks' after that. Some he ignored, like the one from Sawada Iemitsu—at least until the man dropped the annoying act and got serious, declaring that he, like Dino, would use every single resource the CEDEF had to hunt the hitman down. Most he listened to casually; there were only a handful that Reborn solemnly listened to, like Sawada Nana, Yuni, Enma, Bianchi, and the rest of the adopted Sawada family.
Tsuna offers to end the talks a month later when it seemed it wouldn't stop. (He was both impressed and flabbergasted at the number of people who threatened the World's Greatest Hitman for him.) Reborn declines, stating his enjoyment in 'fighting for your honour'.
Tsuna flushes and weakly denies the implication that he is a damsel in distress that needs her honour defended, and Reborn laughs.
It was a good night.
(At least until the hitman wakes to yet another vivid dream of spilled innards and torn limbs.
...He really needs to have a word with Chrome about that.)
A/N: I had a bit too much fun with this. Ryohei's and Chrome's parts were unplanned but I loved those the most. That said, I can't believe I didn't put in much of my favourite so-done-with-everyone's-shit!Tsuna in this fic!
Well, thanks for reading as always! Hope you've had fun reading this as much as I had fun writing this~