Chapter one.
Josh had a secret. It was one of those secrets you cant even tell a best friend, one of those secrets that ate you alive. He knew he needed to tell someone before it became too much of a problem, though it was a big enough problem already. Day in day out he would spend his time binging and throwing it all up... I guess to feel control over something as his life fell down the drain. If he was not getting high or looking to get a fix he was right there by his fall out plan… bulimia.
***Josh's P.O.V.***
I woke up tired as ever and, as usual, felt the need to get a quick morning fix.
'Where should I go to get it today?' was the only thing in my mind, since I still owed money to my dealer.
There was something so romantic about addiction; I just could not put my finger on it. Was it the support of knowing it's always there or knowing you can hide from people with it? I don't know, I guess no one really does know in the end; just good assumption made by people who think they know what they're talking about.
I went to see Helen first to ask her for some cash seeing as how I blew all mine the night before last.
"Helen, can I borrow some cash for today? I'm totally broke."
"Josh, I cannot keep doing this for you, you need to stop and get some help." She spoke seriously at me. Helen was the only person I had told about the situation, though others had their suspicions. She was the only person I could trust, with anything.
"I know I know… I'll start seeing someone soon, I promiss."
"You told me the same things last week Josh… It's not getting any better. When was your last hit?"
"I know Helen…Sorry. Last hit was yesterday at lunch."
"Save the apology Josh, I'm not the messed up one right now." Helen too had her problems. She had the occasional crack spill and a really bad mutilation problem; I had one too, but mine not half as bad as hers.
"Yeah, 'right now' being the operative term. You need help just as much as I do, just for different reasons."
"I do not need help Josh; this is how I'm choosing to deal with my life right now-"
I cut her off.
"I really, really don't think it's the best way though, Helen."
She scoffed. "You're one to talk, you think you can tell me what to do when the reality is, you're just as fucked as I am; if not more!"
She hung up on me. I began to feel sick to my stomach as I just managed to fight with, offend and anger my best friend and it was only 11 in the morning… This is going to be a long day.
I couldn't take the frustration I had no control over, so I made my way to the bathroom ran the razor across my wrist a couple of times and finishes with thirty minutes of purging, My throat hurt so bad by the time I had finished I just went to bed and prayed the next day could perhaps be easier.
Chapter two.
Josh woke up sore and tiered but slightly happy because he'd been sober for a full day yesterday, twas for lack of money but he was sober nonetheless.
He leapt out of bed and into his car. He raced off to Helen's place to apologies for the argument yesterday. He had first stopped at the florist because he knew how much she loved flowers.
Josh's P.O.V.
Once at the florists I picked out the nicest arrangement of fresh flowers they had there, paid the woman working there and continued on my way to Helen's. I looked at my phone and saw that it was only 5am, I contemplated going back home and waiting for a better time but then I'd probably just want to get high again.
I pulled into Helen's driveway, got out of my car, picked up a rock and threw it at her window. After about 5 rocks she opened the window.
"Josh! What in the fuck are you doing? Its 5 in the morning!" She yelled at me.
"I know, I know, I know. Just open up?" I asked.
"No, my parents are sleeping. If you want in climb though the window."
I did as she suggested and made my way up to said window. Flowers in mouth and later in my hands I started the climb.
"You do know you're crazy right?" She laughed.
"Meh." Was all I could mutter because of the full mouth I had.
She let me in and I offered her the flowers. She gave me a big hug and then shot me a nice smile. You see Helen has one of the nicest smiles you'd ever want to see.
"I'm so tiered Josh, What are you doing?"
"I came to say sorry, and to tell you about how I've been sober since yesterday."
"That's awesome! We should get you some er… Help now rather than later." She yawned.
"Yeah, we can do that later though, right now I'm tierd and by the looks of it so are you."
"Alright" was all she mustered.
She plunked herself down onto her bed and gave it a pat inviting me to cuddle with her like we did as little kids. I jumped in and cuddled up to her as I pulled the blankets on. I fell asleep to the beat of her heart; it's such a peaceful sound.
I started dreaming, about Helen. A very odd dream too. I was dreaming that I invited her over and we uh... Did the dirty. I've never thought of Helen and I in that way, but now that I thought of it wasn't all that bad I mean people keep on telling up we make a cute couple when we are clearly only friends.
I awoke a few hours later to find that I was alone in the room. I made my way downstairs to find Helen in the kitchen making some pancakes.
"Morning sleepy head!" He giggled at me.
"Morning. What's so funny?"
"For one your hair looks like a rat's nest and the things you were saying in your sleep were hilarious." She kept on laughing, what a wonderful sound.
"What on earth was I saying?" I started getting a little nervous
"Well mostly moans…. Uh my name once or twice, what were you dreaming of Josh?"
I could then feel myself turning red, I couldn't possibly tell her about it.
"It was a bad dream. I had to rescue you from…uh… hanging off a cliff. I guess the moans were me running and the your name part was me crying out to you." That was the worst lie I had ever told and I knew as soon as it left my mouth she knew I lied.
"What ever you say Ramsay." She muttered sarcastically.
"So to the Doctors office after breakfast?" I, desperately needing to change the subject.
"Uhm, yeah. Have you any idea what to say?"
"I'll get to that once we get there, don't worry."
"Alright then Joshie." She knew I hated that and she giggled while saying it.
"I was kind of hoping once I got help and came back you would do the same. For you and no one else."
"Look my life's a little too fucked to just go off and get clean and healthy now." She spat at me.
"But you don't need to go out to rehab Helen, I think it would work out if you just went to therapy it would help, then your life would be less fucked and AFTER you could think about rehab… maybe."
"Yeah maybe. But I don't think I need it Josh.
"Well would you at least think about it? For me?" I pleaded.
"Fine I'll think about it. But only for you and no one else."
"Not even a little bit for yourself?" I asked with a small smile.
"I guess a little for me. But only a bit. Got it Ramsay?"
"Got it Vertigo." I responded, getting up and then giving her a hug.
Chapter 3.
The ride to the doctor's office was rather silent, so Josh decided to put a CD in; it was the mix CD that I had made for him back in '08 I was shocked that he still had it. The CD was basically a bunch of guilty pleasure songs that we would listened to none stop all summer long, How I missed the summers with out all the drama; I guess that's what happens when you grow up, people change and so do their life habits. The music was blaring through the speakers so Josh and I couldn't really talk. It gave me time to thing about everything that was going on in my life, as well as his.
Josh turned down the music and I gave him a confused look.
"Are you okay, Helen?" He asked from the driver's seat, looking a tad concerned.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just thinking, that's all." I shot him a forced smile.
"What about?" He asked returning that same pathetic smile, still sounding a little worried about my thoughts and well-being.
"Stuff, I guess."
He pulled over to the side of the road.
"C'mon, the Helen that I know doesn't just give short answers and leave it at that. There is something wrong and I'm going to get it out of you, like it or not."
I laughed slightly, I remember now why Josh and I were such good friends. I could tell him anything and he would just listened and give me the absolute best advice. He knew what to say to put me at ease.
"I'm just nervous for us, I mean you with the treatment and rehab and myself with counseling and what not. Truth be told, I'm scared, Josh." I then took a deep breath in attempt to calm my nerves.
"I totally understand, Helen. But don't worry your pretty little head, I'll make sure we both get the best and most convenient help so everything will go back to normal."
"Promise?" I asked.
"Remember when I lived on Acadia?"
"Yeah. Those were good times."
"Well, I promise you now, once were both done getting better, we'll buy a place like that and we can live there and pull the same kind of shit we did back then. It'll be just like old times. Good?"
I hugged Josh from the passenger's side seat and he hugged me back. He shot me that genuine Ramsay smile, the one that could brighten anyone's day no matter how bad things were. The same smile that helped me through my father's death and my moms drinking problem.
Chapter 4.
At the office Josh saw his doctor while I saw mine.
During my meeting, the doctor suggested I went to support groups once a week and kept a journal. I agreed and so the doctor gave me a piece of paper with some support meeting addresses and whatnot. By the time I had finished with my appointment Josh was outside waiting for me.
"hm, you finished early." I said with a smile.
"Yeah, well there wasn't much to discuss, it was pretty simple. I walked in, told him I needed rehab for a heroin addiction and walked out with an address to a clinic in town."
"I see, well we should get out of here then, to book your stay there. Yes?" I turned and started making my way to the car with Josh right behind me.
For the most part the ride back was just as quiet as the ride up. So I decided to get as much information about what was to happen out of him now, so it wouldn't spoil the evening.
"So uh…. How long is this thing going to take?"
"The doctor told me the 90 day program would be best so I'll do that."
"Sounds good."
A few minutes later he looked over to me and simply smiled.
"Hey Ramsay… I'm proud of you, this must be really hard to do and shit.." I said in a low voice, it was a little awkward telling him I was proud of him, since it's usually something you hear form a parent, but I needed my friend to know he was doing a really good thing for himself as well as for our friendship.
"Thanks Helen, that means a lot to me. And likewise. You're doing an awesome thing, and maybe it will show your mum she can do better as well."
Although I knew my mum was too fare gone for any sort of help, it was nice that he said such a thing back. I know he didn't like my mother much, simply because after my father passed when I was 11, she stopped caring for me and I was left to raise myself.
I would spend countless nights at the Ramsay's house because my mother wouldn't come home from the bar. I considered his mom and dad kind of like surrogate parents because I got all the love, attention and care my own mother stopped providing me with.
Don't get me wrong I still love my mother; hell, I never stopped loving her. She was just a sad depressed woman that lost her one true love. She used to cry herself to sleep every night, and dream of my father. It was up to me to take care of her now, and get her back on her feet.
"Josh?"
"What?" he replied still focused on the road.
"Thanks."
"What fore, Helen…?"
"For everything, for getting your family to take me in when I need it, for being there no matter what for…" Then he cut me off.
"Shut up Helen. You know my family loves you, my sisters consider you a sibling and you know mom and dad think of you as an other daughter."
"Yeah, but I wanted to tell you it means a lot to me." He smiled at me and for some unbeknown reason I started to cry, I felt at that moment I really missed my dad, and I guess I just needed someone.. More then a friend?
Josh's face fell from smiling to a worried face.
I wiped the tears away from my face but they kept on flowing down.
"Holly shit sorry man, I don't know what's wrong with me."
"Don't fucking apologize for crying, what's wrong, are you alright?"
"Yeah, I.. I just really miss my dad right now I guess."
He took my hand into his and rubbed his thumb over my skin.
"It's alright, I bet you any money he's proud as fuck that after all that you've been though you're still the same, if not better a better woman."
As he said that we pull in to his driveway. He turned the car off and we made our way in to the house. Once inside he gave me a giant hug.
"Know what?" he asked with a caring smile.
"I might." I giggled.
"You are the very best person I have ever met. And I thank you for being my friend."
"You're so cheesy Josh." I slapped his arm and went to the basement of his house and put a movie on.