Disclaimer: I don't own anything that you know is Square-Enix's property.
Since the try at an epic kind of story didn't work (I blame the fact that the fandom is young), I'm giving it a try with something softer. Basically, these are a series of one-shots about one or more Dissidia characters. Mostly humorous, but I will not disdain other kinds of stories. Just don't expect my usual load of work. :P So, first story. Enjoy!
P.S.: If you have one particular scenario in mind, you can suggest. I'll see what I can do.
VII-VIII: Swords Mishaps
"Not a problem. I've always gotten…" He was going to do what he usually did. Swing his arm around and place the flat side of his Gunblade over his shoulder, but his arm was like glued to the ground. "…" He turned around and saw that what he was holding was not his gunblade.
--
"… It's light." Compared to his busterword, indeed it was. Then, there was the fact that it had a trigger. Just what kind of sword had a trigger? He tried to use it…
"WOAH!" Only to almost blast Tidus' face away with an explosion. "WATCH OUT WITH THAT… Wait a minute, isn't that Squall's sword?"
"… This does not bode well."
--
"Thanks for… Ehm, the rescue."
"Yeah! You were… Awesome?"
"I lost my balance and fell on a mannequin, killing it with the weight of my butt and the sword, cue me getting a flat nose for a while." Bartz and Zidane couldn't hold it in anymore, and burst out in a wave of laughter. "Get over it and stop laughing." Squall said with a glare, that was more for the blade at his feet than the two buffoons. "All this damn thing's fault…"
"Hey, isn't that Cloud's blade?" Zidane said, bending over to observe the weapon better, while Bartz directly tried to raise it off the ground, only to pop a vein.
"NNNNNNNNGH! Damn, no wonder that monster died when you fell on him! This thing is heavy! How the hell does Cloud swing this thing around?!"
"…" Squall was starting to ask himself that too. With the way Cloud swung around his weapon with no trouble at all, and with one arm too at times, he was probably the physically strongest person he had ever known. Zell would be green with envy.
--
"… That was… Anticlimactic to say the least."
"Ow. Ow. Ow." Firion was still holding some ice on his face while Tidus was rolling on the ground holding his stomach, under the scrutiny of a sighing Cecil.
"… Sorry. It just… I'm not familiar with a weapon this light." It had been incredible, like something out of a comedy show. Cloud had dodged a blow from Firion, only to loose his grip on the gunblade because of the excessive momentum he had given himself, still used to fighting with his own sword. The result was that the butt of the gunblade slammed in Firion's face, knocking him out. It also set off an explosion.
"… Cloud, I hope you find a reason for fighting, but before that, I really hope you can get back your own damn blade." Firion said, a bit ticked off at having been beaten in such a foolish way when the fight was supposed to test the strength of his motivation.
"… I agree."
--
"Knew you were all talk. I see that Zidane has some worthless allies."
"…" Squall was snarling his teeth in anger in a way that was so unlike him that it only enraged him even more. All because of that damn sword. He just had to trip and sky rocket from the top of the palace and in the courtyard below, and he just had to hang on to his grip on the sword, did he? "… Shut. Up."
"Hmm… Not only that, but a lone wolf like you? Zidane would never come for you." Kuja waved his hair around with his usual air of superiority. "I've lost enough time, here… Tata." And with that, he disappeared.
"… Calm down. Calm down. It happens. It happens…" He gritted his teeth trying to calm himself down. To no avail. He needed to get destructive. He dropped the buster sword to the ground. "You damn piece of iron!" He kicked it. He howled in pain. Bad idea, mister Lionheart.
--
"Alright, I know that I've been a bastard. I killed the love of your life, I tried to destroy the world three times, now…"
"I said it was an accident!"
"But damn, I think nobody deserves to be neutered!" It had happened again, this time blade first. It was the final showdown with Sephiroth, something dramatic, something deserving the most badass soundtrack ever composed, and it ended with the gunblade slipping from his grip and almost stabbing Sephiroth in the family jewels. The silver haired swordsman quickly got the blade off from his clothes and the wall behind him, and began to back away from Cloud. "Look, I'm sorry! Just… Take the crystal and go, okay?!"
"For the love of… OW!" Cloud tried to approach Sephiroth only for the materia-shaped crystal to appear in front of him, cue him headbutting it.
"Damn, I'll have to warn the others about you. I guess you finally snapped. Not that I can blame you, and I do know a things or two about snapping… Well, try to get some therapy or something, alright?"
"WILL YOU LISTEN?! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!" Cloud grabbed the gunblade in frustration and started stabbing the ground again and again. "IT'S ALL! THIS DAMN! SWORD'S! FAULT!"
"…" Sephiroth just stared. "Yes. Definitely snapped." Then he disappeared, leaving a twitching Cloud in the middle of a floating piece of rock. That was when another bullet detonated right on his feet. He bit back the howl of pain and the really loud curse, putting in it much, much effort. "… Squall, I hate your sword."
--
"… Cloud, I hate your sword."
"Squall, I know she was like, your arch-nemesis, but to do something like that to a lady was just too much!"
"Do you think I did it on purpose?!" It was more like a baseball bat than a sword, really. With they way Ultimecia had flew away and then started bouncing between gears and walls like a pinball… Squall himself winced for her.
--
"Why didn't you run?"
"… Believe it or not, I knew this would happen…" And yet, he still felt like a worm as he soothed the girl's forehead with his materia. "Does it hurt much?"
"I-It's fine… I'm just happy that you didn't get hurt yourself." Terra said, offering him a smile that only made him feel even more guilty as he tended to the gunblade's butt-shaped injury.
"… You're the kindest soul I've ever met, Terra."
--
"OW! WHAT THE HELL DID I DO?! OW! NOT THE ANKLE! AHHHHHHHHH! YOU'RE BITING ME! ZIDANE, HELP!"
"… You're on your own on this, Bartz." He just had to show Squall how easily he could use both Cloud's and Squall's swords at the same time, the fool.
--
"M-Maybe we can reattach it? Why does it have the X in its eyes?!"
"C-Cloud… That was a bit harsh…"
"… Is this blade cursed or something?" Probably. Otherwise, he just couldn't explain how he could have reduced Cloud of Darkness to a sobbing wreck by cutting off one of those two yellow thingies. How he cut one of them in the first place, actually.
--
"So… Finally."
"Yeah, finally."
They had waited for that moment for what seemed like forever. No more words were said as they let go of the blade they were holding and basically threw themselves at their own one, like a long missed lover. Then, they turned to each other, glares in their eyes.
"I swear, that blade is cursed." They said the same thing in perfect unison, much to their shock. Their eyes narrowed again immediately.
"Well, at least mine didn't almost neuter my archenemy."
"You what?! Well… At least mine didn't hurt my foot."
"Actually, it did. You should get the trigger checked."
"Well… At least mine didn't do anything bad to a woman!"
"… You don't want to know."
"… At least mine didn't actually hit someone in the nuts?"
"… I doubt Luneth will ever come near you and your sword ever again…" Squall facepalmed.