Winding Memories
The Antelope is Dead
For their encouragement and constructive criticism, a sincere thank you, going out to my friends Betty Rubbel and Wilma Flinstone.
It had been a long and harrowing three days. Luka rubbed at his eyes, trying to keep himself at least somewhat alert. He glanced at the digital clock which was flashing 9:17 on the dashboard. With the lack of sleep, it felt more like two A.M. He reached for the large styrofoam cup and took a sip of coffee. It didn't have much flavor, and by now was cold.
Sam had opted to sit in the back seat with Alex and by now they were both asleep. Just as well. After several attempts of offering up subjects he thought might catch Alex or Sam's interest and failing miserably, Luka decided to just remain quiet. Let Sam and Alex alone for now.
It was a feeling Luka knew all too well. Never used to be. Growing up in Zagreb did little to prepare him for how alone he often felt since coming to America. Back home there was family everywhere - brothers, cousins, aunts and uncles.
Rolling down a dark highway back to Chicago, Luka smiled wistfully as he remembered his childhood. Smelling the bread his mother would bake on Sunday evenings, painting with his father as the sun came up, running with his brothers on the beach.
Then of course, there was Danjiela. She was seventeen the first time he saw her. She was quiet and shy but so beautiful. Luka had worked up the courage to ask her for a date and from that day on, they were inseparable. In his mind, there was never a question of whether or not Danjiela was the one for him. Some things in life are just understood. Then there are things you can't understand. Doesn't matter how hard you try. Your son's lifeless arm reaching out from under a pile of rubble. Watching your wife slowly bleed to death. Holding your daughter in your arms as she takes her last breath. Feeling completely alone for the first time in your life.
The sound of a police siren blaring past them brought Luka quickly out of the painful haze he had drifted into. It was hard to think of Danjiela and the children without the sadness creeping in. Hard to think about everything you once had. Inevitably, you're reminded that you've lost it. He'd learned the hard way that dwelling on the past can ruin a future. Is that what he was doing again? Was it him ruining everything with Sam? Just like with Abby.
Abby . . . She'd been slipping into his thoughts more and more lately. He wasn't sure why. Didn't make much sense. They had split up . . . four years ago . . . could that be right? The thought boggled his mind. Four years. She'd said he was married to a ghost. Maybe she was right. No. Well . . . maybe at first. Why hadn't she seen that it was her that made him want to put the ghosts to rest . . . for good. More importantly, why on earth did that question still nag at him?
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Luka stood by the gas pump, waiting for the click to let him know his tank was once again full. Through the glass window, he could see Sam and Alex picking out various snacks in the Quick-Mart.
He remembered how his heart always swelled, almost as if it would burst when he looked at Danjiela, Jasna and Marko. He didn't feel that way with Sam and Alex. He tried. God knows, he tried. Not that there were no feelings there at all. Affection, devotion, those were things to build on. Weren't they?
Maybe if Sam could get past her reluctance to have another child. Having a baby would change things. Cement their relationship. Maybe they would feel more like a family.
Luka remembered the couple from a few days ago in the ER. He had arrived just as Abby was delivering their baby girl. He had taken one look at them and known. They were already a family. The baby was just a happy addition to that.
Abby. . . He had been so proud of her that night. He had always known she'd be a great doctor. Seeing her in action was no big surprise to him. Still, he enjoyed watching her blossom into what he always knew she could be.
"Luka?" He was startled out of his reverie by Sam, wondering if he was about ready.
The click of the gas pump had come and gone without Luka even noticing.
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After almost an hour on a junk food binge, Sam and Alex were once again asleep. Luka turned on the radio and immediately changed the station. The "music" that Alex . . . and Sam enjoyed, wasn't exactly in keeping with his taste.
As he was flipping through the stations, a news report caught his attention. A young, female law student had been found at the bottom of a shallow lake, just a few miles from the small town they were driving through. She had apparently been raped, and then shot before her body was dumped. The reporter went on to say that there was some indication the murder was gang related.
Luka's mind immediately flashed to images of Abby. Blood-soaked scrubs, tear-stained face, shaking like a leaf as she stumbled through the doors of the ER. That was just a few months ago . . . What if they had decided not to bring her back . . . not to let her go . . . to . . . No. His mind wouldn't allow him to comprehend such a scenario. Not with her.
Hearing her tell the story of the living hell she endured, and realizing how he had let himself be convinced that she was off pouting somewhere . . . It made him sick to his stomach. Neela had quickly stepped in and taken charge, saying she was driving Abby home. She promised she would take good care of her and keep everyone informed if there was anything Abby needed.
Luka hadn't gotten much sleep that night. The next morning, Sam had begun fussing that he kept her up with all of his tossing and turning.
"I don't think you stayed put for more than three minutes at a time." She had complained.
"Sorry." Was all he had managed in response.
It's not like his feelings of concern for Abby were abnormal. Anyone who had been involved in a serious relationship with a woman, for any length of time, would have felt the same way. Or so he thought. A phone call with a simple request changed that line of thinking very quickly.
Luka had just poured a cup of coffee when he heard the phone ring.
To this day, that phone conversation with John Carter still blew his mind. Luka remembered how those few sentences made him face an uncomfortable truth about himself and his feelings . . .
"I got it!" Alex had come flying down the stairs.
"Oh. Yeah he's right here. It's Dr. Carter. He wants to talk to you." Alex had grumbled.
"John? What's going on?"
Luka had heard giggling in the background.
"Hey! Uh . . . I need a favor."
"Yeah, of course. What do you need?"
"Any way you can cover my shift on Monday?"
"I don't see why not. Anything wrong?"
"Actually everything is very right, if you know what I mean."
Luka had just stood there for a moment. "Wendall?"
"You got it." Carter had replied in a suggestive tone.
"We want to spend a little extra time here."
"Here? Where are you?"
"In Telluride? I mentioned it yesterday?"
"Oh. Right. I didn't realize you were still planning to go. . ."
"Why wouldn't I?"
Luka had been speechless. "Um . . . No reason I guess."
"So Monday?"
"Huh?"
Carter had laughed. "You're working my shift, right?"
"That's fine. No problem." Luka had answered distractedly.
"Thanks. I owe you one."
Luka remained standing there, just listening to the dial tone for what had seemed like an eternity. In that moment, he had suddenly realized that his theory had just been blown to hell.
Staring straight ahead into the dark night, as the memory faded, he slowly shook his head and sighed.
Cher was belting out the final chorus to "If I Could Turn Back Time" when Luka snapped the radio off.
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It was going on 4 A.M. when Alex and Sam began to stir, wondering how long it would be before they reached Chicago. Luka had to think about it for a minute.
"Uh, let's see, almost 500 miles left to go, about another seven hours."
He heard the slight groan escape from Alex. Luka decided he would try again. See where it got him. What was that saying . . . "In for a penny, in for a pound"? Luka thought that was right. He had to suppress a smile as he thought about the gift Abby had given him on his last birthday. He was surprised that she remembered and extremely tickled with what she picked out. Abby had said she'd seen it and immediately thought of him. "Dictionary of English Idioms & Idiomatic Expressions" was the name of the book. Luka shook off the giggle that was rising up in his throat.
"If you don't want me to, all you have to do is say so. You don't have to smirk about it." Sam was agitated.
He must have missed something. "What? Don't want you to do . . . what?" Luka stuttered.
"Take a shift. Drive for a while? Weren't you listening?" Busted.
"Yeah, sure. Of course I was. I was just . . . thinking . . . about something."
Luka glanced in the rear view mirror and saw Sam roll her eyes.
"Look, if you don't feel comfortable with me . . . driving."
Oh. It finally dawned on him. Luka tried to catch her eye in the mirror again. Smooth things over.
"Hey, what are the odds of hitting another antelope in the same week?" He grinned.
Glaring back at him, Sam curtly responded, "Just pull over so we can switch spots, alright?"
Properly chastised, Luka slowed down and pulled off to the side of road. He thought his little joke was kind of funny. Sam thought otherwise. Trying to get comfortable in the backseat of the compact rental car was not an easy task. Anyone who had any length to their legs at all was on a futile mission. Luka finally gave up, simply shifting to a position he felt was at least tolerable. He looked over to Alex, who was flipping through the pages of a comic book. Luka contemplated going right to sleep but suddenly remembered he wanted to try connecting with the boy again.
"Good story?"
Alex looked up, confused. "Huh?"
Not a great start. "Your comic. Any good?"
Alex shrugged. "It's ok." Silence.
"Be glad to be out of school for the summer, yeah?"
Alex shrugged and nodded. "Yeah, I guess so." Awkward silence.
Luka laid his head back against the seat, closing his eyes.
"How's the ER?"
Luka's eyes blinked open. Was Alex actually trying to make him feel more comfortable?
"Uh, it's good. Good. I mean you know, I haven't been there in a few days because . . . "
Embarrassed, Luka didn't know how to finish the sentence.
"You were tracking down some heathen kid with Diabetes?"Alex began to chuckle.
Realizing the boy was in fact attempting to meet him halfway, Luka began to laugh himself.
"Yeah. Something like that." He snorted.
Feeling a bit better about the state of his relationship with Alex, Luka relaxed a little.
The deafening silence coming from the driver's seat was a different story. A telling one.
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Butterfly kisses on his neck. Two hands running up and down his chest . . . his trunk . . . anywhere . . . everywhere. Her legs clamping down on either side of him. Taking his hand. Entwining their fingers. Her back arched. The grip on his hand tightening more and more by the second. Her breathless, sweaty body collapsing on top of his own. Brushing her hair out of his eyes. Her brown hair. Some part of his conscious mind began to take over. Luka realized there was something not quite right with this dream. Sam had blonde hair. This wasn't one of her favored "positions". Making love with her wasn't like this. Luka willed himself out of the dream and bolted upright.
"Something the matter?"
Luka looked around, trying to make sense of where he was. Alex was fast asleep in the seat next to him.
"Uh, yeah. Just one of those strange dreams."
Trying to shake off the images still in his head. Images of Abby . . .
"Trying to run?"
Luka was baffled. "What's that?"
Sam let out a small laugh.
"You know, when you keep trying to run away from something, but you never move from the spot you're standing in?"
Luka smiled slightly. "Yeah. That's it exactly."
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Luka made his way back to the car with a bag full of breakfast sandwiches. It was after 8:00 A.M. and they had all been starving. Getting in, he handed out the greasy food to Sam and Alex who began to devour it. Sam was in the middle of a story . . . well gossip.
"That's what I heard."
"I thought Neela was going out with Dr. Gallant!'' Alex excitedly asked.
"I don't know about that. Jerry said that Morris told him that Neela and Ray looked kind of cozy the last time he stopped by the apartment."
"Oh man! Ray's so cool. I want to go see his band again."
"We'll do that real soon." Sam assured him.
"Ray's still in that band?" A confounded Luka asked.
"Yeah. He is . . . anyway, so Morris also said that Nee . . ."
"How long does he plan to do that?" Luka interrupted.
"Do what?"
"Be in that band."
"Uh, I don't know. What difference does it make Luka?''
"I was just curious." Luka responded dejectedly.
"Well, it's just kind of not the point of the story I was telling." Sam added.
"What was the point?"
"Ray and Neela? Looking kind of like an item lately?''
"Oh. Well good for them."
Sam just stared at him, blinked and then turned to look out the window.
After several minutes, Alex broke the heavy silence. "Anything else new at the ER?"
Luka decided to remain quiet. He didn't much care to get into all of the ER
staff secrets. None of his business far as he was concerned.
"Well, you already knew Dr. Carter was leaving, right?'' Sam questioned.
"Yep."
"Uh . . . oh! Abby and Jake broke up!"
He couldn't help it, Luka's interest was peeked. He let Alex ask the question that was on the tip of his tongue.
"Why? Who broke up with who!"
"From what I hear, she let him down gently. I guess he was still upset though. Didn't even say goodbye when he left for San Francisco."
So . . . she broke up with him . . . Luka couldn't help it, there was a feeling of relief that washed over him. He had watched the way Jake looked at her. He didn't like it. The young man was clearly in love with Abby . . . knowing another man thought of her that way didn't sit well with him. He had resigned himself to the fact that he and Abby were over . . . for good. That's what Abby needed. He'd decided a long time ago that the most important thing . . . was that she be happy. Still . . . Carter hadn't made her happy. There was a time he thought that would certainly be the case. It wasn't. If anything, it seemed to make them both miserable. During a lull between patients several weeks ago, he and Carter had gone up to the roof to have a soda. The topic of conversation had drifted to Abby . . .
"She's become quite the doctor, hasn't she?" Luka had beamed.
"Yep . . . yep . . . sure has. Pulled herself together pretty well too. There was a time . . .
eh, never mind." Carter had stuttered.
"No . . . what?"
"I don't know. Just that . . . I thought . . . I could be the one to make her change into . . ."
"What you wanted her to be?" Luka had finished the sentence for him.
"No!" Carter had denied it.
"Ok, ok . . . whatever you say." Luka added with a slight laugh.
"I think . . . I was kind of like a moth to the flame . . . You know what always
happens to that pesky moth. Burns himself up."
"Sorry." Luka offered.
"Don't be. Besides, same thing happened with you two, right?"
"Not exactly."
"What do you mean?"
Luka really hadn't wanted to get into why his relationship
with Abby failed, but what the hell, he had thought.
''I was jealous. I was so jealous of the way I thought she felt for you, I couldn't see
straight anymore. I was afraid she'd leave me for you, so I told her to go."
Carter had just stared at him. Uncomfortable silence.
''I'm . . . I don't really know what to say to that . . ." Carter mumbled.
''You don't have to say anything Carter. I'm not asking for an apology
or anything." Luka had chuckled.
"If it makes you feel any better, at least while we were together, she never
did get over you."
Luka had just shrugged. "Well, it's a moot point now. She's not with either of us.
Jake won the contest between the two of us." Luka had let out a wistful laugh with
the realization.
"I wouldn't bet all your money on Jake." Carter added as they headed off the roof,
down the stairs.
"Why's that? He seems crazy about her."
As they stepped off the elevator, back into the chaos of the ER, Carter offered one final thought.
"Yeah. I'm not sure the feeling's mutual. I've only seen her look at one guy like she was
crazy about him. It's not Jake. Certainly wasn't me.''
Luka had stood there frozen for a split second as he let Carter's revelation wash over him.
Sam was telling Alex about Jerry having his chest waxed, when Luka once again
stopped listening to the gossip.
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They had just crossed the stretch of highway that told them ''They were now in Illinois''.
It wasn't quite lunch time yet and Alex had once again drifted off to sleep. There wasn't
much to do on the road to keep a kid stimulated. Plus, the previous days of travel
seemed to have really taken their toll on Alex.
Luka caught Sam stealing glances at him every now and then. Finally he just asked.
"Something you want to talk about?''
"Oh . . . I don't know. Maybe . . . yeah, I guess there is."
"What is it?"
"When you said you loved me . . . why did you say it?"
Luka froze. "Uh . . . what do you mean?"
"Well I don't know . . . I mean . . . we said those words . . . but . . ."
"But?" Luka wondered where this was going.
"Did you mean them?"
What answer was she looking for here, he wondered. "Didn't you?"
"Well, yeah . . . at the time, I did, of course."
"At the time?" This was getting better and better.
"Sometimes . . . I think there are different kinds of love. I think we were kind of . . . caught up in a moment."
Oh. He was being let down gently. Just like Jake.
"I meant what I said. I do have a love for you . . . and for Alex." He wasn't letting her
off the hook that easily.
"That's it right there Luka. You have a love for me . . . and my kid. It's always me . . .
and my kid."
He was baffled. "What's wrong with that?"
Luka . . . Would you . . . would you still want to be with me, if there were no Alex? If
you didn't still think you could convince me to have your kid?"
Now he was getting pissed. This was insulting.
"Yep, you're right Sam. Just like all the other guys. I'm just after you for your uterus."
"You can deny it and get pissy all you want Luka. Don't you think I can feel it?
He was done talking. There was nothing left to say right now.
Sam's tone softened. "Me and Alex . . . I don't think we're the family you're looking
for Luka. You'll find them though . . . you'll find her." She added almost inaudibly.
Staring straight ahead, Luka's knuckles turned white as he gripped the steering wheel.
Where had he heard that before . . .
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"Look mom! 10 miles until we get to Chicago!" Alex shouted while pointing to the sign.
"I see that Alex." Sam laughed.
A knot began forming deep in Luka's gut. Uncomfortable and akward as the last
few days had been with himself, Sam and Alex, arriving home
was not something he was looking forward to. Arriving home meant making
decisions. He didn't understand her and she sure didn't understand him.
''You have beaches in Croatia?'' Luka still couldn't get over that question.
But . . . that was their relationship. They had to work so hard . . . at everything.
He had no problem working . . . but the working didn't seem to get them anywhere.
He also began to wonder if what Sam had said was true. Had he wanted a family so
badly that he had convinced himself that they were in love? Where had he gone so
far off the path . . . After her accusations a few hours earlier, he had tried to make a
mental list of all the things he loved about Sam. Luka's mind boggled when the list
failed to accumulate. So far . . . only two. A Family . . . and better than being alone . . .
Luka found himself wondering why he insisted on fighting so hard
for something he wasn't even sure he wanted . . . Then without skipping a beat,
the next thought was why had he not fought for something he had wanted
desperately . . .