Love Struck Delusion
Chapter 1 – I Give False Testimony For All My Sins.
Normal POV.
Insanity.
What do you do when you have it?
What do you do when insanity has taken everything from you?
Do you give up? Or do you battle back? Hoping that one day, all of your love and care will come back.
Is it even possible to comprehend insanity as a whole? Can you see passed it and reach beyond to take back what was once yours?
No.
It's impossible to come back from such a thing people today call a disease.
Insanity takes everything from a mind. All the common sense. All the reasoning. All the power a person once had over themselves.
Insanity can drive a person beyond the brink of cracking. Beyond the point of no return.
Insanity covers a mind with a web of evil. It's liquefies a brain. It's disorients and incapacitates a person's ability to control themselves. To think the way they want to think. It turns a mind and molds it into what insanity truly is.
It's a weapon.
A weapon not capable of atomic destruction, but one capable enough to bend reality to what isn't real before the eyes of common sense. Insanity is a deadly threat.
A threat that can be felt.
A threat that can be heard.
A threat that can be seen.
Yet...it is a threat that can be battled, but in the end, never defeated. Only delayed. But in the end.
Insanity conquers all it possesses.
Raptor's POV.
"Stop the blood. Stop the pain. Stop the blood."
"Stop the blood. Stop the pain. Stop the blood."
"Stop the blood. Stop the pain. Stop the blood."
"Stop this. Stop me. Stop him. Stop her. Stop everyone!"
"Stop the blood. Stop the pain. Stop the blood."
"Stop this from going on. Stop me from living this every night! STOP IT!"
"Just...STOPPPPPPPPPPPPP!"
Iraq, December 18th, 2:30am.
Sweat ran down my face as I sat up in my bed with Alicia still asleep next to me.
Nothing but dark red chills covered my inner linings as I had the feeling I was going to be sick again.
Gently reaching up for my face, I ran the base of my palms across my forehead to feel the thins layers of my fear resting along my quills.
This was the third time this week.
Quietly getting up and out of bed, I made my way to the bathroom to find my body was as shaken as a drunken man. I was barely able to feel my legs as I pinned my body along the sink for support.
Gently turning on the cold water, I splashed some onto my face to see I was staring into what I had seen many times before. Nothing but a fucking void.
"Raptor?" I heard Alicia say from the bed as I slowly turned off the water.
"I'll be back in bed in just a minute baby." I stated as I lowered my face into my cold palms.
After a few silent seconds, I heard Alicia near my side in her night gown.
Her hands took hold of my shoulders; as I listened to her soft voice ask.
"Another nightmare?"
Nodding my head, I calmly replied.
"Yeah."
Alicia knew me better than anyone since the war for Pakistan ended years ago. She saw my problem.
"You need to go back to Dr. Clamer. It keeps happening." She stated as I shook my head gently.
"I don't need a shrink babe. I just need some time to think."
Giving me a frown as I went to dry my face over by the towel rack, Alicia replied.
"That's the third night now Raptor. Thinking hasn't stopped it since it started, and it's not about to start now."
Nodding, I replied.
"I know."
Carefully taking me into a hug, Alicia urged.
"Then go see him. You two may not have gotten along before, but it's starting to show to the kids and to me. You're not well."
Letting go of her soft body, I replied.
"I just don't know how to cope anymore Alicia. Ever since Shadow died I just haven't been the same person."
"That's what you need to tell him, not me. Promise me you'll go in the morning." Urged Alicia as I calmly nodded.
"I promise."
Giving me a soft smile and a gentle kiss, Alicia then asked.
"How about we get back to bed? In the morning I'll make you breakfast, then you can go while I stay home with the kids."
Giving myself another room for a smile, I made my way to the door with her to reply.
"That sounds good."
Alicia helped me back into bed, and as I got to close my eyes, I felt her warm body press up against mine.
In time, I felt the heat kick in and I managed to drift back into hell.
The next morning, Dr. Clamer's office.
"So tell me Raptor. What seems to be the problem?"
Dr. Clamer was an average male fox. He was a basic brown furred one too, with a thin pair of turtle shell glasses. He also always dressed to his profession. Usually a nice dress shirt and pants, along with some wingtip shoes. He sat across from me as I remained still thought, with the need to avoid the question.
He knew this however. And as I remained seated, avoiding eye contact, he said.
"You don't have to be scared to talk to me Raptor. I'm here to help you."
Letting a smile pass my lips, I chuckled.
"Hehe. That's what they all say doc. In the end we both know it all depends on the actions done. Not the words said."
Dr. Clamer looked impressed and softly replied.
"Very true, but did you know those action wouldn't have happened without words?"
Calmly staring into his brown eyes, I went silent as he added.
"And did you know the actions to come from said words all coincides with the person hearing them?"
Slowly nodding, I replied.
"I did."
Gently sitting up, Dr. Clamer then said.
"Then you know talking to me is going to be the starting ground to getting by what you are having trouble with as of late. And that you have yet to tell me. Do you mind sharing?" He wondered as I nodded.
Letting himself get comfortable again in his thick leather chair, I glanced back to the wall behind him and said.
"I've been having nightmares."
Clamer nodded to himself as I was then asked.
"Are the vivid? Or more...indirect?"
Letting my hands rest on my lap, I replied.
"Vivid. Very vivid."
"What happens in these dreams?" Asked Clamer next as I gathered memories.
After a few silent seconds I replied.
"I see things."
"What things?" Questioned Clamer as I quickly replied.
"Evil things. Things that would put fear so deep in your heart, you wouldn't be able to feel your legs when you awoke from them."
Dr. Clamer seemed intrigued as I collected myself.
"Do these things seem real to you?"
Immediately I replied.
"So real! I feel like I'm the one causing them!"
"And what happens in these dreams?" Wondered Clamer as I fell shut in fear of repeating them.
Hinting at my reaction to the question, Dr. Clamer said.
"How about this? I'll say a word; you tell me if it is somehow connected in these dreams."
I slowly nodded as he pulled out a pen and paper.
As the pen made contact, he said.
"Dog?"
Shaking my head I replied.
"No."
"Home?"
"Yes." I replied as he wrote it down.
"Family?"
"Yes." I replied calmly as he also wrote it down.
"Fighting?"
Nodding, Dr. Clamer looked up as I replied.
"Yes."
"Death?"
I fell silent as he looked back up to see me scared.
"Death Raptor?" He asked again as I nodded.
"Yes."
Clamer made a slightly longer note. I could see it in his hand movement.
"You use to be in the rebellion correct?" He wondered as I nodded.
"Yes."
Nodding in understanding, Clamer then asked.
"What did you use to do for them?"
I once again went quiet, in thought this time.
"A lot of things doc. I was an officer in the Special Forces division. Hell, I ran the special forces under command of Shadow himself."
I must have said something important because Dr. Clamer then asked.
"Ahhh shadow. The great hero of Pakistan."
"And Afghanistan." I stated as he nodded slowly.
"He was a great leader from what I've been told from fellow soldiers such as yourself."
Nodding quickly, I replied.
"The best. He took down G.U.N at its best and won both wars. He was more than a leader. He was a god of war. That man had not one mean bone in his body and he could still fight with the best of them."
Clamer took note as I continued.
"We were best friends up to the point where he died."
Clamer nodded as I stopped in sadness of the memory.
"Such a shame he killed himself. I bet he could have done great things with the rest of his life."
Nodding in agreement, I replied.
"He could have."
"Do you miss him?" He wondered as I looked back up into his eyes.
"More than anyone else I've lost from the war."
Clamer took another note, as I added.
"At a time I felt as if we were brothers."
"And what happened?" Questioned Clamer as I shouted.
"He fucking offed himself!"
Clamer remained seated as I stood up in anger to begin to pace the room.
"How old are you Raptor?" I heard him ask next as I questioned.
"What!?"
"Your age?" Wondered Clamer as I stop to reply.
"Thirty seven."
Writing it down, he then said.
"That was twelve years ago. It seems you haven't forgiven him."
"Forgive him!?" I questioned in anger as he stared at me calmly.
"He fucking killed himself! I was no more than a foot away when he did it! How can I forgive him!? He left me with so much to bear! So much pain! So many bad memories! Do you know what it was like to call in to your friends that the greatest man on earth just died in front of you and you were incapable to stop him!? Unable to save him!?" I asked in tears as he remained silent.
"His blood never washed off. I can still feel him in my arms. His brains between my legs!" I stated in depression as Clamer watched from his seat.
"Not a day goes by that I try to understand why he did it. Sometimes I want to join him it hurts that bad inside."
"You contemplate suicide at times Raptor?" Wondered Clamer as I quickly questioned.
"At times!? No! I think about it daily doc! I just want the pain to stop hurting!" I stated as he nodded and went silent.
After a few more tear filled seconds, I manged to retake my seat.
"So tell me, why don't you kill yourself? If you feel so sure that is what you want in life to accomplish, why don't you do it?" Asked Clamer as I slowly replied.
"I have kids. And a wife. Who all look to me to help them through life. I swear doc if it was that easy I would, but I have a reason to live right now and I'm not about to see my kids get hurt cause I wasn't strong enough to hang on."
"You say that like you can't beat your anger." Stated Clamer as I nodded.
"I can't. I tried so many times to overcome it for good reasons, but in the end I found myself in the same place."
"And that place is?" Wondered Clamer as I looked directly into his eyes.
"Hell."
That was the start to this continuation of Love Struck. I hope everyone is ready to read yet another crazy journey into the mind of insanity. And I hope if you're reading this you know what happened in Love Struck. If you don't then please PM my account and ask or please go ahead and read it. Cause you will be lost otherwise and I don't want that.
PS – I still have to post on a weekly basis for now until I move this summer hopefully. Until then I will try to post a chapter a day. So the next one will be up tomorrow.
Please review as always and let's see if we can top Love Struck.
Love you guys and gals as always.
mT Shadow