Tomorrow will be brighter,
Things won't seem so near,
The damage is all done now,
Let knowledge replace fear,
Smile though it hurts love,
You're better off by far,
For it's better to feel anything,
Than live without the scars.
They'd all told her not to go, that Myka needed time. She could see in their eyes that they all questioned their own assurances that Myka would be back. Something nagged at her though. She needed to get to Myka and she needed to do it soon. So, with the same determination she tackled every problem, Claudia packed a bag, hacked Myka's phone and tracked her down.
"I knew you'd find me," Myka had said, opening her hotel door to the younger woman. "I thought about ditching my phone, but I had a feeling it wouldn't matter." She'd led the girl into her room and curled back up on her bed, patting the bed for Claudia to join.
"I'd have found you anyways." She made her way to the bed and sat down cross legged facing Myka. Fidgeting nervously, she looked at her hands and found the words she'd been looking for the whole drive over. "I'm not here to try and convince you to come back," she said, her words were rushed and she mentally smacked herself in the head as they poured out. That was exactly why she was there. They needed Myka and, dammit, she needed them. She had no one else in her life that could quite understand all that had happened.
"Thank you," Myka said calmly, as she took a sip of the tea she'd been drinking. Her demeanor was surprisingly peaceful. Her eyes, not surprisingly, held the telltale marks of a good long cry, but she had the kind of serenity about her that one can only find after that sort of emotional release. "So if you're not here to drag me back to the warehouse, why are you here Claude?"
"I don't understand what you're going through, Myka, and I know I don't know all of what went on, but you shouldn't be alone right now. I know," she said, holding her hands up in defense, "I'm not exactly the queen of normal, but I just thought you should know that we're on your side. You don't have to explain, you don't have to defend, I just think you should have someone here to keep you from slipping into that spot in your head where you over analyze and disappear. I've been there, remember?" she said, crinkling up her nose at thoughts of her own past. "So, just pretend I'm not here. Or, or you know if you need to talk, I am here. I just," she sighed, getting up and pacing the room nervously, beginning to wonder if she'd made a mistake, "It felt like the right thing to do so here I am."
Myka stood up cautiously, still weakened from her emotions and walked over to Claudia. Grabbing the girl by the shoulder, she stopped the frantic movements. Making no other gestures, she waited until Claudia looked up at her with questioning eyes, then spoke, "Come sit back down." A moment of hesitancy passed, until she reassured the younger woman with a stern nod.
Back on the bed, Myka's brow furrowed as she tried to force the words to come out. "I know you have questions Claudia. I appreciate you coming, I really do, but I'm not sure I'll be able to answer all you want to know. You can ask, but just don't expect a lot yet, okay? I still need time to process it all." She looked up at the younger woman, pleading her to understand.
Claudia couldn't help it. Once she realized Myka was definitely not sending her away and shutting down on her, she flew across the bed and hugged her. "I was so scared we lost you," she confessed, laughing with relief.
Myka smirked at her and spoke, "Really? Where exactly would I go? The warehouse isn't something you can really ever walk away from, it seems. I haven't quite figured out if that's a good thing or a bad thing though." She played with Claudia's hair for a moment as their closeness lingered. "Alright, if you're going to ask me anything tonight, now's your chance. I'm not sure how much longer I can stay awake though. I haven't really slept since," her words trailed off, the intent fully clear.
Claudia pulled away and studied the woman before her. She was the same big sister like figure she'd always been. Only know, there was a seriousness in her eyes that had been absent before. It wasn't the same seriousness she had with Pete when she needed him to be a grownup. It wasn't the same seriousness that kept her in a job where she was willing to throw everything away to save others. It was a seriousness that come with knowledge that you didn't want to know. She had stepped past the smoke and mirrors and something had broken inside.
"Myka you never trust anyone," Claudia said, sighing. She watched the older woman stiffen as the sting of the truth hit her. "Not like that anyways," she continued, trying to lessen the pain of her words. "You care about people as a whole, but since we met, I have never seen you let anyone in so deep and so fast."
Myka rubbed at her eyes, willing the stress to turn into anything other than the migraine she felt sinking in. She thought over what Claudia had said and knew she was right. Myka had always kept herself somewhat blocked off emotionally. She was a strong, independent, capable woman. She didn't need people to lean on. Not to mention, she'd let her dad ruin any emotional vulnerability she'd ever had years ago.
Letting her gaze rise to meet Claudia's questioning one, she saw more in the young woman's eyes than she'd heard in Artie's anger, Lena's knowing glances, or Pete's cautionary speeches. Claudia eyes simply screamed one question at her. Why weren't we enough?
"Myka I know you don't like to talk about things. I'm not asking you to bare your soul. I just want to know, if you could open up to her and give her everything, can't you at least tell me why?" Claudia could hear her tone rise with anger, betrayal, and even fear. She just wanted to understand. Myka had always been the logical one. She was sensible and did things with reason. So why had she thrown all of her own values out the door for someone they'd hardly even known.
Myka smiled bitterly and shook her head. Looking out the window into the blackness of night, she didn't even try to wipe away or hide the tears that were now freely falling. "Because she saw me," she whispered, in a tone that made Claudia's heart clench.
"Myka we see you. You're part of us. "Claudia reached over and grabbed her hand, willing her to hear the truth in her words. She had never quite known how to reach Myka before, that had always been Pete's thing, but now she doubted even he would be able to touch her, this woman in front of her with the far off knowing gaze. She'd seen too much to be brought back to the present.
"I know you do Claude, but, "she sighed, trying to find the right words without crushing her young companion, "you're so young." She stroked the girl's hair affectionately as she smiled at her gently. "When I know what an artifact is, everyone expects it because I'm smart. When I can hold my own fighting against three men or I escape from a situation most people couldn't find a way out of, it's because I've had secret service training or that I'm rather fit or that I'm a skilled fighter. When Helena was around, none of that mattered. In her eyes, everything I did, everything anyone did was an exceptional moment because it was theirs. She respected talent, skill, determination. "
"She appreciated you," Claudia said, sounding a little guilty. "Myka, I can see why you were drawn to that, but you have to know we see it too." She inched closer, willing her words to have some impact.
"I must sound horribly vain," Myka said, smiling in her own goofy way, "It wasn't just the appreciation. When I was growing up, I tried to do everything I could to impress my dad." She rolled her eyes at the memories. "For him, nothing was ever good enough. If I got perfect grades, it was because the school system had acclimate itself to the stupidity of its students. For every milestone I achieved he had some way to crush it down. With H.G. it wasn't that she appreciated what I did. I know you guys appreciate me. It was simply that she acknowledged it. She saw what I did and in her own way she wouldn't let me brush it off as nothing. It scared me about her at first, but when someone pours that much faith back into you, it's hard not to try and give that back."
Claudia knew that she would never understand what Myka had been through as a child. Her own childhood was so absent of people that she had never had to focus on pleasing anyone, just staying alive. She'd heard of a lot of abuse stories throughout foster care, but she'd learn quickly that the mental abuse was always worse than the physical abuse. Myka's scars ran deep and it scared Claudia that maybe they didn't know her nearly as well as they thought. Could it be possible that H.G. someone from a different world altogether had known their Myka better than they did? She certainly handled her better. "I'm sorry," Claudia finally said, finally understanding that this might not be something she could fix. The defeat and guilt broke her confidence and she looked down at their joined hands with guilt.
"It's not anything you could have changed Claudia," Myka said all too knowingly. "Don't surround yourself with guilt over this. I opened up and I got burned, it's not anything that won't heal over time," she promised, trying to sound much lighter about it than she felt. Myka would never be the same. Her time spent under H.G.'s spell had shown her things she'd never imagined possible. One day she would go back to work. Things would be as they were before, but for now she needed time to adjust. For now, she needed to grieve.
"You're not going to come back with me, are you?" Claudia asked, realizing that Myka hadn't left on some angry and emotional whim. She had left to protect them from what they might see. She had left to give herself time to put her walls back up. Leaving had been her way of protecting herself and them of the truths she didn't want them to know.
"Maybe tomorrow," Myka said, smiling at the younger woman. They both knew it wouldn't be tomorrow, but for now it was hope at least. She hadn't said no and Claudia had to cling to the idea that one day the answer would be yes.
That night Myka didn't cry. Her shoulders didn't shake. Her chest didn't heave. She curled up on her side and accepted that her life would never be the same. H.G. might have betrayed her trust, but she'd given her things that almost made it worth the pain. Myka was a strong, confidant, independent woman. She knew that and for a change it felt like enough.
A/N: Okay this is terribly ooc, I realize. I just can't seem to get a grasp on it (the whole six in the morning thing might be part of it). Anyways, let me know what you think. I want to fix this or add on to it, but for right now this is what I could piece together.