Dear Mr M

by 124589 reasons why I'm single

For once in my life I want to go into the unknown without any fear or doubts and not care what the outcome is. For once in my life I want to know what it feels like to truly let go and let someone else in. For once in my life I want someone to try and knock my walls down and for me to let them.

Dear Mr. M,

Why are you such an asshole? You have a girlfriend yet when you're around me you flirt with me non-stop and I enjoy it a little too much. I hate that I'm being such a girl about this, over thinking things that you say to me which probably mean nothing to you, but now I've got you in my head and I can't stop thinking about you. I have known you for so long now and yet I have no idea who you are as a person, what you like, what you dislike, what makes you happy, what motivates you. Do you really even like me? Or is it just the thrill of the chase? Do you enjoy fucking with my head? If you got me would you take care of me or leave me for the next girl you find attractive?

Truth be told, I'm scared. I'm really scared that I might end up alone. I see everyone around me and what they have in their relationships and as much as I say I'm okay being single, I'm not. I want the companionship of a relationship, someone who knows me inside and out, my likes/dislikes. Someone who'll watch the sunrise with me and go on adventures with me. Someone who pushes me past my comfort zone and helps me become a stronger, more positive person. I think I'm full of bullshit and am too good now at saying the right shit to get people off my back. I've been single for so long I don't know how to be in a relationship anymore. I'm scared of giving up my independence; to be fully dependent on someone. And I think that's why I like you because like me you're scared too. Scared of fully being in love with someone and giving them the chance to hurt you because we both know how much it hurts when you put your all into something and it doesn't work. She might be a nice girl and I know that you do love her because deep down past all the asshole ish ness, I know you're a nice guy. And that's why I know you would never want to hurt her.

So where does that leave me then? I have options but they're all not so great. Option 1: I swallow my feelings, forget I ever felt this way about you and move on with my life, maybe give that nice guy who's into me a try. It's something I've always done and I'm used to it so I know I'd get over you eventually. But I don't want to do that; I've always been so considerate of other people's feelings and always lived life making sure no one else got hurt that I never went for what I wanted. I was always so conscious of how my decisions would affect the relationships around me, like the fact that my friend's brother has always had a thing for me but I never went for him because I never wanted to put my friendship in jeopardy if we didn't work out. I'm sick of doing that now, I want to put myself first and make myself happy. Option 2: I tell you how I feel, you get freaked out because it's too real and don't leave your girlfriend. I downward spiral, get depressed and have to build myself up again because your rejection shatters my self-confidence. The doubts and insecurities that I had made peace with all come crawling back and I have to rebuild myself again. I don't know if I'd get over you, maybe I do but a part of me would always wonder what could have been. Maybe this is when I decide to settle for someone else, because I see you already settling for your girlfriend. Option 3: We hook up while you're still with your girlfriend, you're scared to leave her and I don't ask you to because I want that decision to be on you. I feel guilty and ashamed, so do you. It doesn't end well, while our sexual chemistry is good and we're great in bed together, I end up feeling used and abused, like some side chick (I know I deserve to be more than that) and you end up choosing to stay with your girlfriend because you think it's the right thing to do. Option 4: I tell you how I feel, you leave your girlfriend and we actually try being together. I like this option the most, which means the likelihood of it happening are slim to none. Not being pessimistic here, just realistic. Lets say we actually give being together a real chance, what does our relationship look like? Am I constantly picking fights because I don't trust you, remembering how you used to flirt with me when you were in a relationship? Are you constantly shutting me out because you're scared to give me your all, because on some level you believe that I will leave you? Could we work through our bullshit and still choose to be with each other at the end of the day? I don't know but I'm curious enough to give it a try.

If I try to think of the type of future you and me would have, I don't see it being great. I know it would be hard to tear down your walls and you'd have just as much of a hard time tearing mine down. I would need someone with patience and love, someone who wouldn't give up on me when I got too stubborn and angry. There are guys that would love to be with me and they are nice guys too, like take Mr. K for example, he's such a nice and caring guy, the type of guy I know would treat me right and with respect, the nice guy. Before this stupid trip I was actually considering giving him a try and going on a date with him. But you fucked with my head so much that I don't know what I want anymore. I think I want you. Even though I know I shouldn't. I know you have a girlfriend whom you love. I know that. I hated hearing about her or about the fact that you missed her and were excited to see her after the trip. The trip where you flirted with me every chance you got. I wonder if I had taken it too far would you have reciprocated? I still think about that kiss we shared that one New Years Eve…at that time it was just a kiss to me but did it mean more to you? I wish you would talk to me in person the way you banter with me online. I hate that I keep thinking about you and wanting to message you.

We have great chemistry; I haven't felt this way around a guy in a while and I think that's why I'm so intrigued. I have fantasized about being with you and I know it would be great; we would tear each other apart. I see it in the way you look at me…the eyes don't lie Mr. M, so whatever you may say to hide how you feel about me to our closest friends, well your eyes tell a different story. To me at least…you don't look at them the way you look at me and I love it, I thrive on that. I love the attention you give me, what girl wouldn't? The one-liners that you have to say around me to make things just a little inappropriate. Was this your plan all along? Is this a ploy you came up with to see how you far you could push me? Did you want me to break? To fall apart?

You haven't broken me quite yet; I would never forgive myself if I ever let you have that kind of power over me. I know I'm a strong person, I know I'm logical and mature, I know I'm capable of making the right decisions but for once I don't want to. For once in my life I want to go into the unknown without any fear or doubts and not care what the outcome is. For once in my life I want to know what it feels like to truly let go and let someone else in. For once in my life I want someone to try and knock my walls down and for me to let them. Maybe this isn't all about you but being around you has made me realize that I want more out of life then what I have right now. I think I may be complacent, the thing I never wanted to be is what I may have become. Isn't that sad? What can I do to change it? Am I chasing after you because I'm bored? Or because I need some excitement in my life? I don't know. I don't have all the answers…I don't think I ever will but for once, selfishly I want things to work out in my favor. I want the universe to give me the answers I'm looking for or at least point me in the right direction. All I know is, I want more and maybe that's you.