PART ONE
Ch.1: Pain
Pain. All there is is pain in the world. Pain and darkness are the objects to which the shadows follow, and shadows are even worse. Everybody leaves and it's like I'm being chopped into thousands of pieces and more, like salt in the wounds, like a Weevil bite.
Pain is my lovers' corpse, who lies in my arms. I've felt pain and pain and always pain. There is no light in this tunnel; the window doesn't open as the door closes. I feel the same pain over and over again and I will always feel that pain for this eternity and the next and the next... What comes after forever? I hope its death, because I'm reaching out for it's touch, but in time even death leaves as they all do.
I've been cursed with this illness, I'm a cancer that is eating up time like it's nothing, and I will always do this.
I woo time and time again, because I'm so desperate to have something warm to lie beside me in my cold winter. I'm pathetic, and I do nothing but break, I'm the glass that slips and falls but seems to never leave. If a cat has nine lives how many do I have?
I look at my empty home, where I know has to house many to protect this planet, but I'm so afraid of letting them in, because they all leave.
How many times have I committed suicide? I've lost count. The pain of death is so real, I sometimes wish that I could relish in it, that I could lose myself in it. But this cursed body of mine will not allow it.
Where is my soul? Did it die with me the first time, or does it still travel with me today? Am I a soulful man? Or am I nothing but a repeated jungle of memories staying intact with my brain?
What reason do I have to carry on? I should just burry myself by my grandsons' grave, in a concrete cell, this time for good because Ianto isn't here to save me. My heart still pulses nothing but pain into my limbs, but I have to carry the burden of the worlds' mistakes on my shoulders. I have to let Torchwood live, because it is the only thing this world has left. I am selfish for even thinking about leaving this world alone, defenseless, like a scared lonely child left in the dark to rot.
Gwen will help me heal, and even if it takes a million of my lives, I will see to her safety, and the safety of her unborn child. As a friend, she deserves that much. She will die of natural causes, and only when she is ready. But for now, I must look for more Torchwood officials…