Reflecting a Loss

A Story from Edward Cullen's Point of View

Everyone has to start somewhere, right? This is my first fiction in the Twilight section – please review! I'm hoping for some feedback, so that I may begin my new idea...

Never in my existence had I ever felt the loss of something so substantial to me.

Throughout my decades on this planet, I weaved myself in and out of various lives all over North America, barely leaving anything behind but a name and a faint memory of a seventeen year old boy that was too good to develop a relationship with anyone.

Honestly, I rarely paid attention to what was going on around me, unless it affected me or my family directly. I went with the motions, repeating the same four years of high school, and getting away with the first year of university. Over the years I achieved multiple degrees in a number of subjects. The ability to process thoughts at uncanny speeds, that humans only wish they could achieve, allows us to multitask and become easily distracted from less trivial tasks.

The same could be said about the attention I gave my own existence – very little; I can only assume that it can be explained using a common phrase from numerous novels: it merely passes me by. I did not participate in my existence, I just merely existed.

Until her.

And until her demise.

If I could cry, I would. Since that day, I have felt more human emotions than I knew even existed outside of novels. Along with the ability to become distracted easily, my family and I were able to maintain perfect memories. I remember Emmett putting it into the simplest of terms: Dude, it's like a never-ending picture book! Leave it to Emmett to give me that innocent explanation, and years later have me repeatedly flip through that terrible, twisted picture book that was my existence with Bella.

Bella. My love. It is astounding the effect her name has on my still heart. I almost feel the phantom pains of my beating heart, although it has been more than a century since it had its last pulsation.

My mental picture book stopped at a page that held my Bella. Her beautiful smile, gorgeous brown eyes and the pale skin tone that exaggerated her frequent fits of blushing - all framed with her long, brown wavy hair that I took pleasure running my hair through on multiple occasions. In this memory, her slight frame was running in our meadow, laughing and smiling, hair glistening and fluttering in the sunlight and breeze; she would constantly look back at me, biting her lip, as though baiting me to run after her.

Waiting for me to run after her.

Begging me to run after her.

I could only whisper to my memory that I did, and failed.

I clearly remember the day that Bella collided with my world. The distinctly powerful and alluring aroma of Bella when she walked into biology class... I am still unable to full explain it in detail without salivating and becoming thoroughly disgusted with myself. Those months together had me challenge my ability to resist her blood, to strengthen my resolve to love Bella unconditionally, and to actually live my existence instead of letting it "pass me by".

Oh innocent Bella – she always thought the best of us all. To her I was a perfect creature – beautiful, intelligent and forever a gentleman. Unfortunately for her, I could not claim to be her perfect man.

Selfishness and hubris are my downfalls. In the canon of fictional literature, it is constantly hubris that is the hero's tragic flaw; however, if I am considered the protagonist in my own existence – as vampires are meant to be fictional, I have been cursed with both. My Bella died in small doses, each administered by an action that I consciously chose to do.

My inherently selfish nature was made present shortly after my rebirth into my eternal life. Over the decades, with the aid of my family, I was able to have what I wanted with little worry of any consequence. Do not mistake me for materialistic, as I am truly simple in my likes: books, music, and my cars – the few I do own. The other things I do own are out of convenience and the way humans live: computers, televisions, and other such items.

I loved Bella ever since I could control my thirst around her, and process the importance of her in my life. Selfishly, I longed to have her be mine, to love me and be with me for as long as she lived. Of course, I was so selfish that I refused to commit her to death to be with me forever. I loved her warm presence, the rush of colour that appeared on her cheeks during embarrassing moments, and the life that her eyes emitted. I wanted my Bella to have a chance at a normal life, and that meant at any time she could choose to leave me and still be human.

Selfishly, I failed to take into account her feelings on the matter. She had made many arguments to change her: safety, as she was always klutzy, and Victoria would come after her; that she was going to die eventually – aging is a form of dying, I remember her saying once; and her last one that was only a fantasy to me and I never thought possible was her constant reminder that she loved me and wished to be with me forever.

My hubris was simple – my excessive pride in Bella. Of course, the fact that she wanted to be with me forever boosts one's ego, especially when I have been alone for so long, not truly existing, but going through the motions. The more complicated portion of this hubris was her characteristics – my Bella was everything a man could ask for.

She was the complete opposite of me in many possible ways. Although I could not read her mind, I was in constant awe at the way she discussed her mother, Renee, and even her father, Charlie. She selflessly left her mother and the newly-acquired step-father to move to Forks and live with her Charlie. While here, she maintained the home and took care of her father. The shining moment of selflessness was in two parts: the first was her acceptance of me and my family for our true nature; the second was the sacrifice she made for her mother – when James had tricked her to going back to the ballet studio. Her academic abilities rivaled my own when I was human, and... and if she had lived long enough, I am positive her compassion for others would have had Carlisle in competition. My Bella's long list of ever-loved characteristics continues to haunt me, as though it challenges me to become a better man; one that would have deserved Bella and never would have let this happen to her.

Bella's most endearing quality was that she loved too much –it could actually be considered a downfall, but I see it more as something to aspire to. To think that loving too much could be a person's most undesired characteristic. However, people talk, and around Forks most people knew that it was not because she loved too much that she no longer lives, but because of me.

I sit here, reflecting back on my love, my Bella, as I do every night and every day. I am a condemned man, back to merely going through the motions, never to exist whole-heartedly on Earth for the rest of eternity. I have created my own hell here on Earth, and I am doomed to be in it. I cannot bring myself to simply not exist because it would be the coward's way out; Bella would have been furious with me if I considered ceasing to exist. She mentioned once that she could not imagine a world in which I do not exist. I responded to her that I could not imagine existing without her... but I did leave her, which is where this all started.

I left Bella, believing that she would move on and forget about me, leaving her to live a normal, healthy life – dating, getting married, having babies and growing old. To live in a world where vampires were back to being a myth, and I was merely a seventeen year old boy that was too good to develop a relationship with anyone. Bella had been put into too much danger and I finally had to separate us, but not without extreme distress to both of us. Please understand that I never wanted to leave, but did it for Bella.

My family and I cut all communications with Forks, lied about where we were going and did not return for months. I parted ways with my family days after the initial departure, needing to wallow in my own despair for an immeasurable amount of time.

Little did I know that Bella did not move on with her life, as I had originally intended. Only afterwards did I find out what really happened in those few months, as when my family and I left, I had threatened Alice to ignore anything related to Bella in her visions.

Bella was in pain- constant emotional turmoil. She ceased living and was merely going through the motions, barely even existing. I had not wanted to turn her into a vampire because I did not want to take away her humanity, but by leaving I turned her into something worse.

She had taken a liking to a particular set of cliffs at La Push, sitting at the edge and crying to the world all of her insecurities and miseries. The wind had listened, the sun had dried many streams of tears from her face and the earth comforted her broken body.

She was alone, all alone when she died. It was the same day I decided that I could not bear to be away from her any longer. I would beg her to let me back into her life; I would even pray that she would forgive me for my terrible selfishness, and I would even accept the fact she would be turned into a vampire if she did me the honour of marrying me when she finished high school.

I remember running through the forests, almost smiling to myself at the thought of Bella and me, together that night in her room. With about three hours left until I reached Forks, I received a call from Alice informing me of the terrible event, stating clearly that I was to meet my family at our house in Forks and not go anywhere else.

Never in my existence had I ever felt the loss of something so substantial to me.

In a human, adrenaline production would have increased, and I would have been able to go on further, at a faster rate to find out what had happened to my Bella. Unfortunately, I was caught in a cataclysmic emotional disaster. It was all I could do to focus myself enough for three hours to run to my house in Forks. I followed Alice's instructions, knowing that my family would direct me in the right course of action, especially at time like this. It was all out of my control, and I could not do one thing to bring her back.

I had been three hours too late. Victoria had found Bella, sitting on at the edge of the cliff – talking away her loneliness. My Bella was startled at the sudden appearance of Victoria that she had lost her balance and fell, her body tumbling to the water below. Her body had broken on impact, in much the same way Esme's did decades ago. There was no one there to help her; no one to save her. Victoria all but smiled slightly and ran back into the forest. She had watched my Bella drown.

There is no point discussing what happened afterward. My family and I mourned the loss of our beloved Bella. It tore me apart, and I again returned to solitude. So, here I am, writing down for what seems like the millionth time the same story, hoping that each time I will be wrong – that Bella is still alive and waiting for me to return.