Disclaimer: They don't belong to me. A jagified SVU story

Too Late.
Sometimes the hardest lessons we learn are when it is too late for it to matter...

It wasn't possible… plainly and simply it wasn't possible.
The sky outside was blue and cloudless, the sun was out gently warming the city and the laughter of children playing in the street below drifted up and in through the opened window.

The scene within the apartment was in stark contrast to the glorious spring day beyond its walls. Instead of being full of new life bursting forth like the world outside this apartment only held death. The smell of cut grass and flowers in bloom was easily replaced by the acrid smell of gunpowder and blood.

Gordon Cresswell burst into the room, the same one he had dispatched two of his finest officers to only thirty minutes previously. It was supposed to be a routine call … a follow up to a witness statement. It was supposed to be a visit to clear up some paper work, not one resulting in the ME being called out…Being called out for one of his officers. No, it definitely wasn't supposed to be that.

He moved in through the sitting room to the kitchen, and saw what he was expecting but hadn't allowed himself to even contemplate on his dash from JAG Headquarters.
"Colonel?" he called out quietly from the door and slowly watched her lift her head. She was slumped in the corner cradling Harm in her arms, blood turning her beige shirt red and streaking her face.

"Sir," she whimpered, holding him tighter.
He moved closer to her and crouched down, mindful of the pool of blood surrounding them.
"Colonel… Mac, you have to let him go," he said gently, reaching for her hands. "Dr Mallard needs to…"
"He's not having him," Mac spat.
"Mac, honey, Harm's gone. Dr Mallard needs to do his job …" he said softly.

He pried her hands and eased Harm's body from her grasp before helping her stand. Slowly he guided her around her partner and to a chair. "Mac, did you get hurt?" he asked gently, scanning her body but not able to tell to tell whether the blood was hers or Harm's. She could only shrug.
"Okay, we're going to get you checked out at Bethesda, then I'll have a counsellor talk to you and…" He stopped when he saw her tears run down her face, mingle with the streaks of blood and drip onto her shirt. Ignoring all the departmental memos and leadership policies about proper procedures and protocols he bent down and embraced her.

Holding her close, he tried to alleviate the pain she was experiencing, and although he knew his attempts would be futile he needed to try anyway.

When he let go, Mac's eyes fixed firmly onto Harm as Dr Mallard moved to him. The ME looked at Mac and then General Cresswell and gave a quick shake of his head.
"Mac, you don't need to be here for this," he said, helping her stand.
"I'm not leaving him alone," she retorted.
"I'm here for him, Colonel," Dr Mallard said gently. "I promise I'll look after him."

Despite every desire to lie down beside her partner and never let him go, Mac allowed herself to be led out of the room; she only got to the door before she ran back and knelt beside him. She touched his face and held his hand, knowing the next time she did his body would be cold. "I'm so sorry," she whispered kissing his forehead. "I'm so sorry."

The room was silent for a few minutes before Sturgis and Bud raced to the door - breathless and bewildered – needing to see it for themselves before they'd believe the calls they received about Harm's death. Sturgis stayed at the door while Bud moved to Mac, wrapping an arm around her as he crouched next to her.
"Hey, Mac," he whispered. "I'm so sorry."

She allowed herself to lean into him, finding comfort in his presence. "He can't be dead, Bud," she whispered. "He just can't."
Dr Mallard glanced at Bud and he knew they had to move.
"Why don't I take you to Bethesda to get checked out?" he offered, holding her close to him. She nodded … she preferred to be with Bud rather than Cresswell … actually she preferred Harm but that wasn't possible… not now … not ever again. She sobbed in Bud's arms as he guided her downstairs and to the car.

After being cleared by the doctor at Bethesda and spoken to by a counsellor, Mac collected her belongings at headquarters and headed to the elevator to go home. Bud stopped the door from shutting and stepped in with her.
"Where are you headed?" he asked, standing beside her. She shrugged. "Do you want to head home? Do you want to grab a coffee? Come home with …" He stopped when his questions were met with her tears. "Oh Mac." He wrapped his arms around her and she reciprocated before resting her head on his shoulder and sobbing. Bud reached out and hit the emergency stop button, wanting to give her all the time she needed in the privacy of the steel box they were in before the doors opened and their colleagues surrounded them.

Soon enough Mac pulled herself together and wiped at her eyes.
"Thanks, Bud," she muttered as he hit the button again.
"So, where do you want to go?" he asked again.
"Um… I want to go see Harm …" she said quietly.
"Then that's where we'll go," he replied, as the door opened. He linked his arm through hers and walked them out.

Standing in Autopsy, Mac was chilled to the bone. She stood frozen as she watched Dr Mallard wheel her partner over, his form covered by a blue sheet. She shook her head at the irony, blue was always the best colour on him … Dr Mallard stopped the gurney in front of her and went to pull back the sheet but Mac stopped him, she wasn't ready … she didn't know if she'd ever be ready to look down into his lifeless face, to feel his cold skin, to never hear his voice again, never feel his touch.

"You don't have to do this, Mac?" Bud quietly said from behind her.
"Yeah, I do," she replied, knowing seeing him would make it very real - something she needed … She raised her heavy arm and let her fingers tightly grip the sheet before easing it back excruciatingly slowly. She watched unblinking as his hair came into view. It was so soft and cropped … she recalled all the times she had imagined running her fingers through it. Her nails gently grazing his scalp, imagining the responses it would elicit from him. She recalled all the times she had dreamed about him, her fingers would invariably end up splayed through his hair as she controlled his head in a deep and passionate kiss.

The sheet dropped lower and his eyes came into view, they were closed and her heart nearly stilled at the thought she would never look into those azure orbs again. Those same eyes which said so much more than his mouth ever could. Those eyes which reflected his inner demons, his love for his father and his passion for the job. Those amazing deep pools of blue where her faith and trust in him were reflected back to her.

Next came his mouth … she remembered the arguments, the jokes, the wise cracks, the questions, the yelling … she remembered her thoughts of kissing him, of him kissing her … her lips, her face, her body…. Just once she would have liked to have known what it felt like to be kissed by him … just once.

Mac rested the sheet on his chest and picked up his hand. She knew this was her opportunity to say goodbye but suddenly the words wouldn't come. She wasn't sure whether there were any words in the English language which could do justice to the immense gaping hole she had in her heart. And she wasn't sure that even if there were she'd ever be able to utter them … ever be able to bring herself to say goodbye to the only person who she had ever really loved … ever allowed into her heart …

Harm's death only served to remind her that life was fleeting and nothing was forever. In her own life filled with immense pain and tragedy, this was another thing she had to deal with … while she had battled hard and overcome so much she knew she would never overcome this one … she may go on in body but it wouldn't be living … it wouldn't be a life … hers was over the minute the bullet meant for her ripped into his chest and exploded through his heart.

Knowing he gave his life for hers only made it worse – he had family; Mattie, Sergi, his mother, grandmother, Frank. He had people who loved and needed him … who relied on him … he should have let the bullet take her … she had no one … nothing … she wouldn't be missed … no one loved her … no one needed her … she was the one who was expendable not him …

Her tears gently dropped onto the blue sheet and she squeezed his hand once more…She bent down to kiss his forehead. "I don't think you'll ever know just how much I love you and need you, Harm," she whispered. "You are the other half of me … my soul mate … even though neither of us really believe in it." She kissed him again. "Promise me we're good … I don't think I can go on if we're not…" She wiped away her tears as Bud took her arm.
"Mac, we need to go, Dr Mallard needs to do his thing," Bud said quietly as Mac kissed him one more time.

Bud walked her towards the door, trying to stop her looking back at him. When Dr Mallard went to move the gurney it was too much for her.
"Harm!" she screamed running back to him. "No! Harm! No!"
"Hey, hey…" She felt strong arms surround her and bear her weight as her body seemed to crumble beneath her. "Mac, breathe, breathe," he soothed as she sobbed uncontrollably. "Just breathe, Mac…."

In the agonising minutes which followed she struggled to control her breathing and tried to stop the wave of nausea rising up inside her. His hands rubbed her back as she fell into his body, praying he'd take the pain away.

Slowly Mac's pain eased and she pulled back, allowing herself to look up as he gently wiped away her tears.
"What was that about, gorgeous?" he asked quietly.
"Nothing," she whispered, pulling him closer to him. "Nothing, Harm."

She knew it was only a nightmare … it wasn't the first and wouldn't be the last either. She'd never had them … not in all the years they had been partners, not even when they stopped being partners. They only started five months previous when she fell pregnant with his child.
"I died again, didn't I?" he whispered kissing her head and pulling her into his lap on their bed. She nodded. He took her hand and placed it on his heart. "I promise you I am alive and well, Mac."
"I know," she agreed, feeling her body meld to his, her head resting in the crook of his neck. Mac's racing heart slowed to match his, her breathing became purposeful and deep as she followed the rise and fall of his bare chest.
"Wanna tell me about it?" he whispered into her ear before kissing her head once more.
"Nuh," she sighed, wanting to forget all about it. Harm held her to him and rocked her gently, hoping the still frequent shudders would disappear for good. He hated the trauma the nightmares put her through, and him. The piercing scream as she yelled 'No!' chilled him to the bone. Her panic stricken face, uncontrolled breathing and heartbreaking sobbing tore at his heart. However, it was pain he saw in her eyes that nearly killed him, each and every time. It was a look of utter devastation that he had never seen before … not in everything they had seen, everything they had been through. It was reserved only for the immediate aftermath of her nightmares in which she lost him.

Mac shuffled in his lap and held his head in her hands, her fingers splayed through his hair. Quickly she claimed his mouth with hers … desperate to feel him … touch him … taste him. Slowly he eased her back onto the bed and half covered her body with his. "I love you very much, Sarah MacKenzie Rabb," he whispered before proving to her he was well and truly alive.