I don't even know, but here you go: my first Teen Wolf story that I've written because I couldn't not. Also on my ao3 account, same username. Reviews make me happy.
Stiles thinks he maybe has a void inside of him; nothing creepy or supernatural, just a lost part of him, something missing. His mom. He thinks that the moment he was told about the accident, something deep inside began to rot and decay until finally, when his mom was put to rest, it died.
Then again, she did always say he had a flair for the dramatics, so it could just be a load of bullshit.
He's had years to get used to it, though. Or - no, that isn't right because he'll never get used to it; the hurt will always be able to shock him silent. He has, instead, had years to grow around the emptiness. To let what still lives, live, and the void fester.
...
After three months, Stiles stops trying to make it all feel better. Stops fixating on photographs of his mom one week then swapping to trying to commit the style of her clothes to memory the next.
He starts willing the void to grow after seven months. Pushes away the comforting arms of Melissa and Scott. Even his dad a couple of times. Stiles thrives off of the hurt, concentrates on it until he can't cry anymore and his whole being feels numb. He gets panic attacks in the darkness of night when he can barely breathe; the sound of his mom's laughter so real and close.
His dad stops watching the videos of her so late.
Scott hugs the breath out of him one Saturday night, says, "I love you, dude. Okay?" And Stiles hugs him back just as hard and promises that he'll never let anything bad happen to Scott. Not ever.
If only.
...
The first time he sees his dad cry - like, really cry, not the silent stoic-faced crying he did at the funeral - it's because he's woken by the broken sounds of sobs and sniffing and gritted out curses.
Stiles rushes down the stairs, feet, covered by his too-long pyjama pants, skidding on the kitchen floor so that he almost slips and faceplants. His dad is sat at the table, his hands running over his face. There's a bottle of Jack by his arm and Stiles eyes it, gaging how much his dad has drunk. It's half-empty. Half-full, depending on your outlook.
Ten months after his mom died, Stiles sees his dad broken. Ten months after his mom died, Stiles decides that his dad isn't going to lose his son along with his wife. So Stiles takes the bottle from his dad and hugs him until he turns silent then says, "I'm gonna go to bed, kid".
The following day, Stiles skips school, gets Scott to cover for him. He walks to the cemetary, his mind focussing on everything and really nothing at all. When he gets there, he ignores the ten headstones with names that all end with Hale. Just thinking about it makes him feel sick with sympathy.
His mom's headstone is simple and pretty. A light coloured marble; nothing fancy. She would have fussed that it was too much, otherwise. Stiles sits by it, opens his mouth and talks.
Hours go by - it's the end of school when Stiles checks his phone - and Stiles can't even remember what he's said the whole time. But he smiles down at her and whispers, "I'll catch you on the flipside, mom", just like he always used to.
...
There are definite pros to having only one proper friend. Not like Stiles is a loner, not properly. But Scott is the only real friend he has, the only one he sees outside of school.
Scott is the only one that notices how Stiles has changed. It's not like it was a conscious decision. Stiles didn't sit down one night and think 'I'm going to turn into an even bigger sarcastic asshole because that'll make this easier'. It just happened because if it didn't, Stiles is certain that he'd have some sort of breakdown in the middle of class.
Scott is practically an open book with his emotions and he sees nothing wrong with that. That's awesome and everything, it really is, but Scott doesn't have the kinds of feelings Stiles does. There's an edge to him that Scott doesn't possess. Hopefully never will.
...
Once Scott gets bitten and Stiles learns the truth about freaking werewolves - like the small fact that, y'know, they exist - and the Hale fire and Derek gets drunk on his Alpha power and thinks turning a bunch of lonely, desperate teenagers is an awesome idea and Matt goes crazy and turns Jackson into some mindless, lizard killer and Alisson snaps and Scott secretly makes a plan to get rid of Gerard and Jackson dies for a little while but then comes back to life as a werewolf - after all of that, Stiles comes to realise that Derek is a lot like him.
Like, of course Stiles knew Derek was damaged - dude is the very definition of damaged - but it takes a while for Stiles to look past the asshole exterior and see that Derek is filled with missing parts. See that he's made up of all that he's lost.
Stiles can see it now, in the unwelcoming set of his shoulders and his harsh, barked words and closed-off face. All of the signs Stiles mistook for a serious case of douchebaggery and annoyance.
But if there's one thing that defines Derek more than his loss, it's his guilt. That you can see in the sadness he thinks he hides so well. It's in the way he acts before he even thinks; so desperate to just do - something, anything, if maybe it'll save people. Save people like how he couldn't save his family.
...
They begin to re-build the Hale house. Or, well, Isaac, Peter, Erica and Boyd do. Isaac talks about it a lot, how he thinks it's probably therapeutic for Peter and that Derek should be doing it too.
"Or something, I don't know." He taps his pen on his paper a couple of times, side-eyes Stiles. "What do you think?"
Stiles lolls his head back, rolling his eyes. He had just gotten into what he was writing - which is a joint history assignment, FYI, he shouldn't be doing all the work. "Look, dude, I have no idea why you're talking to me about this," he says, fixing Isaac with a look he's probably picked up off of Derek, damn it. "If it's therapeutic, awesome, that's great. If not, well, the Hale house is creepy as hell and, like, a crazy health hazard. Werewolf or not."
Isaac nods but he's staring just past Stiles and when Stiles twists around, he sees that Isaac's looking at the picture on the fridge. "But you know," Isaac says, so quietly it could pass for a whisper. "Not like how Derek knows, but you do."
Biting down on his lip, Stiles quietly takes a deep breath, not that it matters with a werewolf in earshot. Yes, he knows. And he knows why it's different with Isaac and his dad. But right now he doesn't want to talk about it, he just doesn't.
"Shit," Isaac hisses, "sorry. Just - he's my Alpha, y'know? I can't help but want him to be okay."
Stiles finally looks back at him, his eyes squinted in curiosity. "Right. So?"
"So talk to him about it. He's not as likely to flash the eyes at you or threaten to punch you in the face. Or actually go to do it when you push too hard."
"Oh, that's persuading, I'll be right on my way," Stiles says with fake enthusiasm.
But when Isaac leaves he asks again and Stiles says he will just to shut him up. And also because Isaac offers him the address to Derek's loft and Stiles has been trying to get that out of Derek for weeks - Stiles has never claimed to be above bargaining.
...
Stiles doesn't exactly know what he and Derek are. He's gained quite a few friends since his life turned into an episode of Supernatural - without the disgustingly attractive sibling hunters - but he's not really sure if Derek is one of them.
Sure, they can talk. Mostly it's about research and ways to train the pack and theories on any weird murders and holy shit is Stiles' life weird. But the point remains: they talk. A lot of their conversations consist of snarky and sarcastic remarks and some truly impressive eye rolling on Derek's part, but it's miles from where they once were.
And Derek listens to him. Two weeks after what was possibly the most awkward conversation he's ever had - only second to the freaking third 'sex talk' he had to have after his dad walked in on him jerking off to two guys fucking - at Derek's amazing, but minimalistic, loft about the pros of him helping to tear down the Hale house, Isaac gives him a pat on the back and tells him how Derek helped the day before.
Derek even tolerates Scott now after Stiles excessively stated why Scott is awesome and how they both need pull their heads out of their asses and get along.
But friends? Stiles doesn't know. Well, he'd like to think they are.
...
Begrudgingly, Derek agrees to host a birthday party for Erica's eighteenth.
"I'm not supplying you with alcohol, though," he says, walking into the kitchen.
Miming strangling him, Stiles follows him. "Seeing as only Lydia and I can actually get drunk, that seems wise. Although," Stiles smirks when Derek looks back at him, eyebrow raised, "I was speaking to Deaton about whether there's something werewolves can take to feel the effects of alcohol." He stops there because he knows how badly Derek hates it when he holds back information. It's almost too easy to piss him off.
Just as predicted, Derek tightens his hold on the dishcloth and snaps, "And?"
"And he said that there is and that he'll give me some... So long as Scott works some extra shifts, he'll give me some. But Scott totally will. Hopefully. I'm pretty sure he will."
Huffing a sigh like the melodramatic idiot he is, Derek shrugs and says, "Whatever. I'm sure Peter will have some anyway. He'll probably bring a shitload of alcohol for you guys." He runs a hand down his face and mutters about "idiotic uncles".
Stiles smiles at his back when he turns around. He smiles at Derek a lot. He's suddenly very aware of how much he smiles at Derek and how much Derek smiles back.
...
Shockingly, Stiles doesn't do anything too embarrassing at Erica's party. And though the alcohol makes him slow, he doesn't think he's imagining the way Derek sticks by his side for most of the night or the way he sits closer to Stiles than anyone else.
Stiles knows the feeling he gets every time Derek smiles his real smile or fondly calls him an idiot isn't imaginary.
He knows the jokes Isaac and Erica make about Derek having a knot because he's the Alpha are pointedly said to make Stiles try to hide his blush.
He fucking knows. What he's supposed to do about it, though? Yeah, that he doesn't know.
...
Stiles is eighteen when he finally fully understands that he was never in love with Lydia. Sure, he loved her for a long time, but that isn't the same, that was never what this is.
The pack - Scott and all - is gathered at Derek's. Not doing much, chilling out, watching moves and generally pissing Derek off. The usual. Stiles is - Stiles is silently watching Jurassic Park and gnawing on his shirt sleeve. Five years ago to the day his mom died.
Scott had given him an extra long hug when Stiles picked him up and his dad cooked them a nice breakfast. It's all very fucking normal and the same as every other year except right now Stiles can't stop thinking about how empty he is. He racks his brain trying to imagine what she'd think of all of this: Derek, werewolves, fucking hunters and kanimas. Would she take is as well as his dad? His heart hasn't beaten this fast in a long time and it just won't stop. His left leg is jiggling up, down, up, down and he can't make it stop.
Jackson says, "Jesus, don't you take shit for that?" And Stiles wants to scream and hit him until his stupid face stops smirking.
But Derek is telling everyone to leave and shoving Scott out of the door saying he'll call him later but that he needs to get the fuck out. And then Derek is kneeling between his legs, hands on his knees stilling all movement.
Stiles looks at him. Derek has the most beautiful eyes, he thinks. They calm him down, enough so that his heart doesn't hurt with every pump of blood. Sucking in a deep breath, Stiles decides to tell Derek about the void he has inside of him and maybe that means he's in love with Derek because he's only ever told his dad about it. Not even Scott knows.
He tells Derek about the times he thought about how it should have been him instead of his mom because she was so special, so important. Eventually, tentatively, he tells Derek about how he thinks they're the same like that. How they both have these empty spaces inside of them.
And maybe when Derek says, "For a long time, I didn't think I deserved to feel sad about them, so I got angry instead", it means he's in love with Stiles back. When Derek smiles the way he does when he's feeling guilty, Stiles puts a hand to his cheek and calls him a dumbass before guiding his mouth to his. Because Derek won't ever stop feeling guilty and angry. Those feelings will continue to creep up on him when he least expects it. Like Stiles' grief. At least now they can kiss each other until they smile again.
...
When the Hale house is finished and Derek kicks everyone out and takes Stiles into their room, Stiles thinks he understands. When Derek slowly strips him then kisses the moles that litter his back and sucks at his neck, taking him apart until he's desperate with it, Stiles thinks he understands what his dad meant all of those years ago when he'd said, "Maybe you'll always have that missing part. Void, or whatever the hell you call it. But someday a person's gonna come along and they'll fill voids you never even knew you had."
Stiles looks at Derek looking at him, both on the verge of sleep. He thinks maybe they've done that for each other.