Title: I'm still here
Author: Roz
Summary: A dark look into James Kirk's life. Growing up in the shadow of one's father is never easy, especially when dealing with your own inner demons. (re-editted and reposted)
Warnings: A bad word or two, and it's a song fic. Please don't tell....
A/N: Movie dialogue is not word for word, sorry. Watched Treasure Planet straight after Star Trek, and found it to be strangely VERY similar. Anyone else notice this?
*****
I am a question to the world
Not an answer to be heard
All the moment that's held in her arms
*****
Winona cradled her brand new baby in her arms. James Tiberius Kirk. Grief poured through her as she surveyed the baby's crying face. His eyes opened, and she couldn't help but sob. He had George's eyes – George's eyes. How could life be so cruel, so painful, so bittersweet? To have been robbed of her husband, but blessed with her baby boy.
The clinicalness of the shuttle made the whole event seem unreal, the ever present smell of chlorine filled her nostrils, the smell making her gag. Despair swelled and crashed through her mind, and she didn't realise that her baby was crying in hunger as she clutched it to her chest like a lifeline.
Her lifeline. Her only link to George.
James Tiberius Kirk.
And the shuttle flew on through the never-ending darkness of space, the black vacuum claiming the sounds of grief.
*****
And what do you think you ever say
I won't listen anyway
You don't know me and I'll never be what you want me to be
*****
Kirk yelled in exhilaration as he felt the car accelerate beneath him, the pure power surging through the engine, vibrating his seat. The music pumped through him after the one-sided conversation with Frank.
He unhooked the roof, grinning like a maniac when the wind whipped it away. He wished that he could fly away forever, away from all the words, the shouting, the screaming, the crying. Frank's voice washed over him, and the words made him angry – fury boiling through his veins.
He didn't hesitate to pull the car off the tarmac, onto the dirt road when the police asked him to pull over. He would show Frank – if he loved this car so much, then he'd take it all away. After all, it was only fair. The car's tyres drifted on the loose dirt and Kirk couldn't help but close his eyes, the adrenalin surging through his system as he felt himself losing control.
Control, what a strange word. All he'd wanted was his father, his real dad. He knew why he wasn't present, but that didn't fill the void. Something was missing in his soul, something that Frank couldn't fill – not that he'd ever tried.
The hopelessness of the situation made the boy scream in agony as he spun the car out of control at the cliff's edge. Kirk had never had control of his life – he wanted to it to end.
As he flew through the air, his life hanging in the balance Kirk had never felt this alive in his before. His cried out in fear as his finger's scrabbled in the dirt for purchase, the nails tearing themselves free and his fingertips gouged open and bleeding. At the last minute, they found grip and he felt himself hanging over the edge of the cliff, the car tumbling end over end as it fell to the bottom of the canyon.
For a second he contemplated letting go, the frantic surge of strength and life ebbing away but he pulled himself up over the edge. As he stood before the copper and stated his name, he felt the lifelessness return and knew the truth.
A part of him had died on the U.S.S. Kelvin, and he'd never be what his mother wanted. He couldn't. He wasn't George.
*****
And you see the things they never see
All you wanted I could be
Now you know me, and I'm not afraid
*****
Kirk stared up at Captain Pike, dried blood caked on his face – his head throbbing like hell but his mind on fire. The swelling of his black eye didn't impair his vision, but he was beginning to think that he had sustained a concussion in the recent barfight.
Join Starfleet? Was the man insane? Starfleet which had been a white elephant in Kirk's whole life, the one career move that him and his family had openly avoided and was never talked about.
"I dare you to do better."
And then the man was gone. Why are you even talking to me man? Kirk's question echoed through his mind, just what did Captain Pike see in him. His dad? Well, he definitely wasn't that and if he thought that George was buried somewhere within, he sure was going to be bitterly disappointed.
But still, the thought nagged him. Captain Pike had personally asked him to enlist. He believed in him. When everyone else thought that Kirk was a no-good alcoholic womaniser, a country hick for god's sake; the captain of a starship thought that he amounted to something.
Kirk picked up the model figure of a starship and flew it slowly through the air, ash tipping from it to pour slowly onto the bar table.
"I dare you to do better."
If there was one thing that James T Kirk was correctly known for, it was pained stubbornness.
The deep-seated fear that had followed him around like a bad smell from his birth, through his adolescence into his young adult life started to seep through his fingers. No, not anymore. Kirk clenched his fist and slammed it into the table, the gesture making heads turn in the mainly empty bar.
He would no longer be afraid.
*****
And I want a romance to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on, and feel I belong
*****
The girl sighed as he ran his hand along her neck. Kirk couldn't help but grin to himself as buried his face in her hair. It was a usual Friday night, he was in some dingy bar and Bones had abandoned him hours ago.
So he had decided to amuse himself, and some interesting situations had presented themselves.
"I hear you're a lady's man." The girl cheekily bit his ear as she spoke. What the hell was her name again? Ah, who cares.....
"Depends who you talk to, and what you want...." Kirk let the answer hang in the air as he tangled his fingers into her hair.
Several hours later, Kirk found himself staring upwards in the dark, his blue eyes unblinking at the ceiling. The girl was soundly asleep at his side, her body all twisted up in the sheets, the room smelling of sex.
And Kirk felt empty.
Everytime he pursued a new woman, he thought this time it would be different. The touch would linger, her smell would never fade – that she would be the one that would change him. And yet, everytime, all he ever felt afterwards was empty and tired.
Sure, he made people think that was what he was after, like he liked to pursue the ladies; and don't get him wrong, he did........but still, there was a little part of him that was getting tired of it all. Since when did sex get to feeling so lonely? How is that even possible when two are needed for it to even occur.
Shit, I need another drink......Kirk slowly rolled himself off the bed, rubbing his hands over his face. He glanced back down at the girl, her dark hair spilling covering her face. She groaned softly as she felt him move on the bed and Kirk laid a hand on her face, stilling her motion instantly. Her face felt warm beneath his touch, but alien nevertheless.
Kirk quietly left the room, making sure that he looked presentable as he made his way back to the quarters he shared with Bones. He tiptoed in the door, commanding the computer to keep the lights dim but that didn't matter.
"Home so early?" Bones voice called out from his bedroom. Damn him, that man slept like a mouse – so lightly.
"Thought I'd keep my strength for tomorrow night." Kirk called back cheekily, allowing some laughter to fill his voice.
"Only you Jim, only you." The muttered statement followed, "Did ya have fun?"
Kirk threw himself into his own bed, not even bothering to get out of his clothes for a second time.
"Yeah, fun."
"I'm glad."
But all he felt was empty.
*****
And I wanna tell you who I am
Can you help me be a man?
They can't break me as long as I know who I am
*****
"Ah, Bonesy!" Kirk slurred as he turned towards his friend walking towards him. "Awesome that you could join me! Have a drink!"
"Damnit Jim, are you crazy?"
"....Or two!"
"You've got an exam tomorrow morning, bright and early remember?"
"....Or three! A drinksy for my friend Bonesy here. A tipple for my big nipple!" Kirk roared with laughter, his joke apparently hilarious.
"Jesus Christ, you must be smashed to be telling jokes that bad." Bones sighed as he grumpily accepted a whiskey from the exasperated bartender. "What's the occasion?"
Kirk slapped his friend on the back, nearly making Bones spill his first sip. "We're celebrating!"
Bones rolled eyes, "To what Jim, this dingy ass bar? To this pathetic excuse for a whiskey?"
"To my lovely friend here, her name is......er.....What's her name Bonesy?" Kirk gestured to an empty chair, which may or may not have been filled earlier.
"Damned if I know. Look, let's get out of here. You have to sit that exam tomorrow, there's no way they'll let you pass up on that on." Bones put his hand on his friend's shoulder, intent on guiding him home.
"Pfft, please." Kirk snorted as he knocked the hand away, "I could pass that exam in my sleep. Being hungover would almost be an advantage."
"Then what the hell are you doing here? Fine, you know what – I don't care. I'm a doctor Jim, a doctor! Not a babysitter!" Bones swigged down his whiskey and stood to leave. "Don't you dare vomit on the carpet when you come home. That stuff stinks like shit and never comes out properly."
"Bones?" The doctor turned back to friend when he heard the soft query. "It's my birthday today. I'm 26 – did you know that?"
"Oh." Shit. "Uhm, mind if I join you then?" Bones tentatively sat back down. "I'm sorry, I didn't know."
"Yeah, I figured." The young man turned and smiled quietly, "It's alright, I'm fine you know."
"Yeah, I know."
"Still......"
"Damnit Jim! How was I supposed to know, you never tell me anything. You never say anything about yourself, it's like squeezing blood from a stone. Impossible! I'm your friend, we share a room together but I don't know anything about you." Bones stopped his rant as he took his Kirk's forlorn look.
"Yeah, well....."
"BARMAN! Drinks!" Bones yelled down the bar, "SHOTS NOW, stat!And you...." to which the doctor shoved the aforesaid tequila shot into Kirk's hand, "......drink and talk."
"But what about my exam?"
"Damn the exam to hell." Bones downed his shot with a grimace. "Another one!"
And so, after several more shots, beers and some random game that involved cards, darts and one's own ass; the two were happily becoming acquainted.
Till Kirk vomited all over Bone's feet.
As Bones helped his friend to bed, Kirk blurrily said, "Y'sh know Bonshey? Y'all the only one that knows me....."
"I'll bet."
"E-even on my own birthday, he overshadows me. I'll never be rid of him, will I?"
"Would you really want to?" Bones instinctively knew who the intoxicated man was referring to.
Kirk grinned muzzily, "I guesh not..."
"Night Jim."
"G'night Boneshey! You know what? I have to be up in an hour.....for a thingy, what you call it? I'm gonna smash it, hehe, like as smashed as I am now!" Kirk cackled to himself as his eyes closed of their own accord.
"Uh huh. We'll see." Bones turned out the lights as Kirk started snoring noisily. "Happy birthday buddy."
And of course, Kirk passed with a distinction.
"DAMN IT!"
*****
And how can you learn what's never shown
Yeah you stand here on your own
They don't know me, cause I'm not here
*****
Kirk stood across from Commander Spock, anger rolling through him in waves.
"I believe I have the right to face my accuser face to face."
The debate had reopened old, old wounds. Deep and buried, Kirk had hoped never to face them again. And here the Vulcan commander had blatantly brought up the death of his father. Did he not think that he knew he was dead? Did he not think that he lived in his father's shadow everyday?
Could people not see him for him? Instead of just seeing George Kirk's son, the boy who had been born of a tragedy.
Kirk looked down briefly, his blue eyes closing in anger and pain. How could the Commander not show anything, any tact when talking about this issue? Surely, he could see how it affected him. It was like the debate had turned into something completely different – as if the test had been waiting for him all his life. Built so that Jim Kirk could challenge reality. He kind of understood it now, the feelings that lived within him; he wanted to change the basics of life and death. To have control over every situation – if there was something out there, Jim Kirk would deal with it.
How dare the Commander lecture upon emotions, the fear of death. Kirk had lived with that fear all his life; his mother never let him forget it. No, the Commander didn't know the meaning of fear, how could he? He was a Vulcan.
As the accusations of cheating hung cruelly in the air, Kirk could almost feel the stares of the students punching holes in him, their whispers like shouts in his ears. A cheater. The son of George Kirk a cheater.
They had known it all along, James Kirk would never amount to anything – his father would've been disappointed.
No, they never saw him, the real James Kirk and they never would while he hid in his father's shadow.
*****
And what do you think you'd understand
I'm a boy no I'm a man
You can't take me
And throw me away
*****
Kirk awoke in the pod, his head aching like hell, his eyesight all blurry. What the hell had happened? As his vision cleared slowly, he turned his head to look at his surroundings.
"Computer, where are we?"
As he listened to the answer, he couldn't believe it. Spock had marooned him on this god-forsaken planet. In the middle of nowhere. He'd been jettisoned from the Enterprise like a piece of fucking garbage. The pointy eared bastard!
"Stay in the pod and await rescue." The computer completed its debrief and Kirk had to stop himself from slamming his injured fists into the walls of the pod. Instead, he unwrapped his knuckles and groaned to himself, momentarily stilling himself to rub his hands across his eyes.
This sort of stuff always seemed to happen to him.
He reached under the seat to stuff a bag full of stuff that he would need for the trek to the Starfleet base. Slinging it over his shoulder, he then took out his anger on the door of the pod, kicking the door open before struggling out of the small door.
His shoulder's ached from the Vulcan's nerve pinch, and his vision was still a bit hazy but it took more than that to stop Jim Kirk. Looking up from the bottom of the ice crater, he sighed to himself and started to climb. Pitying himself right now wouldn't get him anywhere. As he dragged himself arduously up the cliff of ice, he couldn't help but wince everytime he pulled his body weight up – the cold from the ice was burning his palms through his gloves and he could feel his knuckles beginning bleed. Shit! Maybe I should've left them wrapped.....
He moaned as he pulled himself over the crater edge and collapsed to his knees as he was blinded by the light bouncing off the snow. He panted as he tried to get his breath back, and momentarily pulled off his gloves to view the damage. As he thought, the strenuous exercise had re-opened up the wounds to his knuckles and blood oozed slowly between his fingers to drop onto the snow – the red contrasting strongly against the white.
The wind howled unmercifully, and the snow stung against the young man's face. The scenery was desolate, there was no other word for it. Kirk struggled to his feet as he looked around.
Would life never tire of it? He had been abandoned once more.
And as usual, James Kirk would make his own way – alone.
*****
They can't tell me who to be
Cause I'm not what they see
Yeah, the world is still sleeping while I keep on dreaming for me
And their words are just whispers and lies I'll never believe
*****
Kirk fought for his crew, his captain and his ship. As he fired on the Romulans he felt an overwhelming sense of satisfaction. No matter what people said, Kirk always fought for a reason.
And there was no better reason to fight then for family.
He had seen the moment that had passed between Spock and Uhura, and had felt a twinge of jealousy, but the feelings that had filled him were ones of curiosity and amusement. As he had left to lay his life on the line, he knew now what for and why.
He had changed, that was for certain. And even if everyone still saw him as Cadet Kirk, the no good genius layabout with a penchant for loose women and alcohol – he knew better. He had formed attachments with the crew, he had been there from the horrific beginning and he would be there till the bitter end.
He was James Tiberius Kirk, and he didn't believe in no-win situations. He wouldn't fail. Just like his father before him.
He would succeed. For his friends, for his crew, for the Enterprise. They were his family now, and he would give them everything that he could.
He understood his father's actions now. If needed, he would willingly die for them.
You did crazy things for the people that you loved.
*****
And how can you say I never change, they're the ones that stay the same
I'm the one now, cause I'm still here
I'm the one
Cause I'm still here, I'm still here
I'm still here.
*****
Kirk grinned excitedly as slapped Bones on the back on the way to his chair. His chair. If someone had've told him a couple of years ago that he would be captain of his own ship, let alone the flagship of Starfleet, he would've laughed openly in their face and then probably challenge them to a fistfight.
My, how times have changed.
"Buckle up Bones!"
The doctor shook his head exasperated but smiled nevertheless.
"Take her out Mr Sulu." Kirk commanded his helmsman as he surveyed the dark regions of space with a boyish wonder.
"Yes captain."
Yes indeed, captain. Kirk thought to himself on the events that had brought him to this point in time. To how Nero's appearance had robbed him of so much, yet given so much in a different way. As the young man stared into space, his thoughts lingering on his father, he realized suddenly that he was no longer empty. No longer restless. No longer angry.
And definitely no longer lonely.
He was his own man, and he was still here.
The end
*****
a/n: please please review (bad or not)