The Lightning Thief In a Can

The Lightning Thief, condensed like a can of soup.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Rick Riordan's. Srsly. Unless I eat his soul.

Author's Notes: So, it's been like...an uber long time since I've posted one of these parodies. Hopefully I'll be able to regain my skill for them as I plan to parody the whole series. I had to reference the book extensively throughout and doctor my inspiration with a lot of Numa Numa.

I would appreciate it if you wouldn't approach this story in a serious manner. It's not meant to be serious. Yes, I've tried hard to make a good parody. You might think it's stupid, but you know what? I honestly don't care. I've been condensing things like this for a while even if I hadn't posted them, so it's not like I'm copying anyone.

Also, all the misspellings here are probably on purpose. Such as "academny" for academy.

Chapter 1: I Commit Murder With A Pen

Voice-Over

PERCY: So, you know, being a half-blood really sucks and you probably shouldn't read this 'cause you might be one of us and OH NO THAT WOULDN'T BE GOOD. Because then they will sense you. Mmmhmm.

Pancy-Fancy-Yancy Academny of "Troubled Kids"

PERCY: So. Yeah. Introductions. Well, my name is Perseus Jackson. But call me Percy. I'm 12 years old. And...I'm a troubled kid. Yeah.

PERCY: Anyways, we were going on this field trip, and field trips and me generally don't mix, so I tried taping myself to my bunk so I wouldn't have to go, but I underestimated the power of scissors, so here we are.

The Bright Yellow Bus of DEWM

[Nancy Bobofit is throwing wads of sandwich at Grover. What, do they offer sandwich cart service on the bus? Or did she make sandwiches for this purpose? Anyways, Grover is being a big weenie about it and Percy can't believe he's friends with a person who's this much of a wimp.]

PERCY: GROVER JUST FREAKING LET ME SOCK HER LIGHTS OUT, OKAY?

GROVER: NO PERCY WE CANNOT RUIN THE PLOT.

PERCY: ...there's a plot?

The Museum of Nowhere

[They all arrive at the museum and Mr. Brunner, who is apparently so old he could keel over and die any moment, leads them around. Accompanying them is Mrs. Dodds the math teacher who is apparently made of bad-assery. She has a leather jacket.]

[They come across a stele, and start talking about it a lot.]

NANCY BOBOFIT: OMG a naked guy!

PERCY: JUST SHUT UP, OKAY?

MR. BRUNNER: Jackson, do you have something to say?

PERCY: No.

MR. BRUNNER: [He points at a picture on the stele.] Could you tell us what this picture is of?

PERCY: I said I don't have anything to-

[Mrs. Dodds gives him the evil eye and he shapes up right away.]

PERCY: I mean. That's Kronos eating his kids which is really freaky and I hope no one takes him as their role model.

MR. BRUNNER: Atta boy.

[Because Nancy Bobofit is possessing of the Annoying Gene, she has to bring up something else.]

NANCY BOBOFIT: WE'RE NEVER EVER GONNA USE THIS.

MR. BRUNNER: Percy. Explain why we're never ever gonna use this!

PERCY: ...well...we really aren't...unless you go into Medieval Studies or something freakish and decidedly useless like that.

MR. BRUNNER: D:

[They talk more about Kronos, and then troop off outside, the girls holding their stomachs for some reason I will never understand. Mr. Brunner has to stop Percy, who really seems to be his punching bag for the day.]

MR. BRUNNER: So. Percy. You really need to learn how to contradict the Bobofit freak. 'cause you really will need this in life.

PERCY: O...kay?

MR. BRUNNER: Cheerio!

[The two go outside to eat, which unfortunately has to be around a fountain. Nancy Bobofit decides that Grover apparently hasn't eaten enough and dumps half of her lunch in his lap.]

NANCY BOBOFIT: Ooops.

PERCY: RARGHDIE

[Water learns to miraculously transmaterialize. Or, really, it splashes all over Nancy. And pulls her in. It's demon water!]

NANCY BOBOFIT: PERCY PUSHED ME MRS. DODDS.

[Mrs. Dodds also learns to transmaterialize, as she happens to show up in, like, a nanosecond. The kids are all whispering about the Demon Water.]

MRS. DODDS: So. Honey.

PERCY: Can I erase workbooks for a month? 'cause then I can just copy all their answers, you know.

MRS. DODDS: :|

[Because there is a daily cap on smart-assery, Mrs. Dodds makes Percy come with her to the museum. Maybe her punishment is to make him look at bad art or something. And because it is a Plot Point, Mr. Brunner is reading and totally ignores everything although there's no way he could have missed the Bobofit Scream.]

[Mrs. Dodds starts to growl, which is really freakish.]

MRS. DODDS: You're like the poster child for giving people problems.

PERCY: Yeah.

MRS. DODDS: We were going to find you out soon. Confess!

PERCY: Oh crap. Was it Tom Sawyer?

MRS. DODDS: ...whut?

PERCY: ...whut?

MRS. DODDS: Whatever. DIE.

[Mrs. Dodds immediately becomes even more bad-ass as she transforms into a bird thing that sounds like the most awesome thing this side of living. Or maybe dying.]

PERCY: HOLYCRAPWHATTHEEFFFFFF.

[Mr. Brunner, who is possessing of an Excellent Sense of Timing, happens to show up right then and do something that maybe would have been more helpful in a writing contest. He throws a pen at Percy. Thanks, grandpa!]

PERCY: What is the pen for-

[He grabs the pen, which immediately transforms into a bronze sword. Everyone immediately had the biggest case of Pen Envy ever.]

PERCY: ...wow.

[Mrs. Dodds snarls and flies at Percy, who just kind of awkwardly swings the sword. It hits her in the shoulder and passes through very easily while hissing (oh biology, you're so mysterious! Especially when we're talking about mythological biology!) and she screams like the Wicked Witch of the West after Dorothy gave her a bath.]

PERCY: ...damn.

[Because Mr. Brunner is magical and sparkly, he disappeared and Percy was left alone. ALONE. So he trots outside, holding a pen like a sword because apparently, the pen is as mighty as the sword.]

NANCY BOBOFIT: I hope Mrs. Kerr whipped your butt!

PERCY: ...are you high? Who's Mrs. Kerr?

NANCY BOBOFIT: ...are you high? Our teacher!

PERCY: Grover...where's Mrs. Dodds?

GROVER: ...are you high?

[Percy trots over to Mr. Brunner, because surely the old guy is sane.]

MR. BRUNNER: Thanks for brining me my pen back Jackson!

PERCY: Where's Mrs. Dodds?

MR. BRUNNER: ...Mrs. Dodds doesn't exist.

[Percy immediately has the worst identity crisis ever, because apparently Mrs. Dodds never existed.]