IRONY
I glance at him. Once again I see the most beautiful creature I ever laid eyes on. Beautiful chocolate hair, beautiful blue eyes, beautiful body. He's so beautiful, nice, perfect. I curse myself. You're a fool. He's a man. I'm a man. I can't—I mustn't—fall in love with him. I can't. But I did. I guess I can't blame myself. And I can't stop, either.
He looks at me and asks if I'm alright. He looks confused, and concerned. Stupid. I've been looking at him for too long now. Long enough to be noticed. I brush my black hair with my slender fingers and my eyes smile behind my glasses in response. Shit, I can't stop the blood rising up to my face. Why does he always have to be like this? He's killing me. He makes me fall deeper everytime. After that diminutive elation, comes profound misery and regret—reality bites. Every second reminds me that it can all be just a delusion, not even a hope. Well, every second except when I get too drowned in his eyes.
I wonder why he never sees. They never see. Maybe because I'm very unlikely to be in love with him. I look very masculine, tall--over six feet, lean, muscled body, deep voice, very manly. Very unlikely to fall for my fellow man. Yeah, right. I think it's a good thing, at least I'm safe from them. But I'm not spared from myself.
How in the world can I resist such beauty? Everytime we're alone, I just want to wrap my strong arms around him, touch his face, taste his lips. I want it so bad it hurt. But everytime those thoughts come to me, I manage to conquer my stupid self. It's a really hard thing, and it eats a lot of my energy. If I were someone else I could've done that a long time ago. I could've had my deepest yearning, my wildest trance. I could've ruined our friendship and any chance of seeing those beautiful eyes again. I could've died. I'm glad I wasn't somebody else.
What if I never met him? I would be some normal guy going to highschool, doing normal things, feeling normal, living my life. On the other hand, I don't think I would even have a life. If I did, it would've been hell. This torture's better. At least my pain is sweet. That's how I fucking love him.
I feel my chest throbbing everytime I see him happy with somebody else. A girl. I always pretend to be happy for him, but I always get jealous and fear never fails to strike me. I'm the only one he confides with. I've already seen him over with some girls in the past three years already, and I've already seen him silently cry at times or so. Damn those girls. They don't seem to appreciate him and even have the guts to hurt him. But I still envy them. They still seem to contain some of his precious attention. Sometimes I suppose he's stupid. He's been hurt times before, but it still doesn't stop him from liking them. C'mon, wake up—I'm still here, and I would never hurt you. I really spite those damn girls. I know that men are certainly different from women, and they can give him things that I can't. I curse myself again. He can only be your friend, you baka, only a friend. You should be eternally grateful that he even considers you as his best friend.
I don't know what will happen to me after highschool. What will happen to us after? Maybe he will have a happy life, because he reins his life. And I'll forever be miserable, because I can't stop myself from being so.
Gods, why does it have to be him? Why not somebody else? Somebody that couldn't hurt me—a girl, perhaps?
I wish one of these days I could tell him how I feel. I'm sick of being always there for him, with him seeing it only as my friendly concern. I hate it because I know it's not only my apprehension, it's my love, and he isn't aware of it. How I wish I could tell him how I hate it when he's angry or sad and I just wish I could do something for him, that I could console him; how I hate it when he's with one of his girls; and how I hate it when somebody hurts him. How I wish I could tell him how I really hate the fact that I love him. I wish I could let him know these things without being rejected or anything related, and in turn know that he feels the same way. How I wish he could be mine. Mine forever.
Toru…! I snap back to my sanity. That could never be. I guess so. It's better this way. I'll just stay this way.
Liar. Fine. I can't stay this way. I want to tell him. Look, now's my chance. We're all alone here at the gym, the folks have already left; it's almost sunset. Tell him? I know I'm just his co-captain, but I don't really know for sure. What would he say? What would he do? He'll run away from you for good. But let me try. Maybe I can stop if he actually ran away. At least I'll know that he really doesn't love me. Fine, go ahead. Ruin your friendship. It's your life anyway.
"Toru-kun!"
That voice…sweeter than any song…calling me by my name… Baka, he's waiting for you. Oh, right. He's been waiting for me outside this stupid locker room. Here goes…
Haha! You scared?! Of course I'm scared! Just the look of those azure eyes…it makes my every step colder and colder… maybe I'll freeze when I'm actually in front of him. Bless the gods this gym is so big, bless them. Just a few more steps…
"A…Kenji?"
I already forgot what to say…what am I going to say?? Um…um… You're gonna tell him you're gay, remember? Huh? I'm not a fag! But you're in love with a man like yourself. Oh, right. I'm gonna tell him that I love him. Right.
"Toru-kun? Is there a problem?"
Aah! Stupid me…stupid!!! I put my hand at the back of my neck and flash him a stupid grin. Confusion in his lovely face. He's standing by the wall, and I'm standing just in front of him. What?? I'm so close…so close…but why can't I take a step backward?? He looks really confused now, his face bare damn inches from mine. You're trembling.
"I…Ken…"
He presses his frame closer to the wall, as though scared or something. "Huh?"
"I love you."
I just catch his eyes widen in shock as I seized him by his cherry lips. I must stop. But he's not pushing me away…he's answering! Oh gods…he's kissing me back! You ought to stop that, now. Oh…ok.
I smile. I see his eyes closed, mouth hanging slightly open, lips glistening wet. Then he opens his eyes. He blushes, seeing me looking at him like that. I plunge down for another kiss. I'm definitely determined not to let go of this moment; if it's a dream, I don't want to ever wake up. As before, he kisses back. Enjoying yourself? I glide my lips on his cheek, to his jawbone…lower…I can hear him sharply breathing as I reach down to his neck. I like being with him this way, nuzzling him, his after-shower scent dancing in the air that I breathe…
His hands settle on my chest. Strong hands abused by his love of basketball… I can feel force applied to my front. Great, you get want you want. He's pushing you away. No… I stop. He's pushing me afterall. I look at his face. His beautiful eyes turn away from me, and I see them welling up. Love, why are tears forming on your divine eyes?
"I'm sorry…To—Hanagata-kun…" Then he starts to run, going out of the gym.
I told you. He…he called me by my last name… And that hurts, doesn't it? I…I thought… You thought what? He only got carried away, Toru. Maybe…maybe. I'm not convinced…no; I'm not giving up. Yet. I'm more determined this time.
I walk. I get out of that stupid gym, and slide the doors closed. I turn around. Yes, I will go home now. I walk. And walk. Tall trees with heavy pink plumage steal my gaze. They're so pretty. People must be really happy now they're falling. These cherry blossoms add to the light breeze…I wonder why I'm not feeling happy as I see them. Only one thing could make me happy. A smile from him… My love…You're hopeless.
---
A week has already passed. He's always been avoiding me, trotting away everytime we're alone or whenever I'm near him. Breaking my glance. I hate this.
Every one of those seven miserable days I've been passing through the same trees, and it reminds me more of my loss…I lost him. This day, I'm walking as usual, passing the usual line of sakura trees; their blossoms showering like soft rain. But this time, it's different. The bright color of the flowers highlighted a silhouetted figure sitting behind one of the big trunks. I squint my eyes to make out who that was. Nah, it's probably someone I don't know. It's him. What?? Him?? No way! Maybe I'm just hallucinating or something because of his long absence in my reach. It's Kenji, Toru. Maybe it's someone else that has chocolate colored hair and sparkling blue eyes. You can't fool yourself. Fine. It's him. But what'll I do? I know were not like we used to be. It's your life. Do what you want. I want to run to him right now and wrap my arms around him. I miss him so much. Then do it. What?? Am I crazy?? Yes. I walk toward the figure sitting by the grass. As I draw closer I can see that he's hugging his knees. He looks sad. How I wish I could chase that sadness away by holding him. But…I can't. I can just approach him. He does not notice me.
"Hey."
He looks at me. He seems surprised. He smiles. I smile. The smile on his face wipes off and he hugs his knees again. I sit beside his right. I look in the direction of his gaze. He seems like in deep thought. Half of his face is hidden behind his folded arms. We just sit here for long moments. The silence is irritating. Talk, you baka. Right. I got to end this misery.
"Look, Ke—Fujima, about what happened—"
He lays his head on my lap. What??
"I'm scared, Toru."
He called me by my first name…what was that all about?? No matter…my care for him always wins anyway.
"Why?"
He gets up and suddenly, surprisingly, cuddles to me. This is getting weirder. I don't know what's happening. First, he avoids me and now… He puts his face nearer to my left chest and tugs on my shirt like a little boy. I put my arm around his shoulders, my other hand settled on the back of his head, pulling him closer. He's shaking. But why? I think he's crying. He's crying, alright. I just let him. I hear him mutter something.
"I love you."
What? Did I hear him right? Oh yes you did. Shit. I don't know what I'm going to do now. I'm happy, but he's not. What am I gonna do?? Ask him, idiot.
"Why're you scared?"
He doesn't answer me. What—did I do something wrong?
"It's just that…I don't know what will happen…what if they know? What if something goes wrong? What if—"
"Shhh. Don't be scared. I'm right here, love."
What did I just call him? Love. I don't know why I said that!! Aaah!!! He raises his face and looks at my eyes. He's smiling now. I know he's gonna be alright.
"I didn't have the idea that you…loved me too. I thought you only saw me as a teammate, and that's it. But…you approached me… I didn't know what to do then…I'm sorry."
I smile at him. I really don't know what to say now, but I know he understands my smile. We just stay seated like this as we watch the pink blossoms fall with every second. Great. Everything turned out right afterall. I breathe freely know because I know tomorrow's gonna be brighter. It's going to be alright.
OWARI