He was falling. He'd managed to dodge his insane cousin's curse, only to lose his balance and begin his descent toward the Veil in the middle of the Dept. of Mysteries. Everything was happening in slow motion. In fact, it was like he wasn't falling at all… Wait a tick- He wasn't falling. At least, not anymore. He couldn't really move, either, but he realized he was floating in midair. How the Hell…
Remus. He'd seen Sirius falling, and cast a levicorpus with seconds to spare. The battle was over. Voldemort had escaped with his Death Eaters, leaving the Order members to gather their own together. Sirius saw Harry run in after Dumbledore, saw Harry search the room for him, wished he could actually move to call to Harry and let him know he was alright. Fortunately, Remus was soon at his side, moving him out of harm's way before removing the charm.
And Sirius fell with a grunt to the hard stone floor. Glancing at Remus, who normally had more finesse with his spell work, he saw absolute fury blazing out of his brown eyes, making them almost golden. Then the fury was gone, replaced by a calm mask Sirius had seen so many times. Whatever Remus was truly feeling at the moment, he would push away until he could deal with it later. Alone. Sirius would be damned if he'd let Remus skulk off to a dark corner of Grimmauld Place to brood.
Others crowded around and Harry threw himself into Sirius's arms, forgetting for a moment that, as a lad of fifteen, he should be embarrassed to display such public affection. Sirius soothed his worried godson, surprised at Harry's fierce insistence in staying at Grimmauld Place with him that night. Well, there were plenty of rooms.
It was quite the production getting back to the house, as well. Dumbledore insisted on the utmost security; stopping every now and again to change direction, taking Muggle transportation as well as wizard, asking every member of their party identity questions. Then they arrived at the Dursley's, and Harry began to panic. It took Dumbledore, Sirius, and, finally, Remus to calm Harry down and convince them that their stop in Little Whinging was merely a diversionary tactic to fool the Death Eaters into thinking Harry was safe at the Dursley's. From there the party could apparate in twos to Grimmauld Place. Sirius made sure he was with Harry, and no one dared suggest otherwise.
***
Everyone had finally left, leaving only Sirius, Remus, and Harry in the gloomy ancestral house of the Blacks. Harry had finally gone to bed, after reassuring himself that Sirius would not leave Grimmauld Place. Sirius was tossing and turning in the large bed in the master bedroom, wondering where the Hell R emus was and why he hadn't come to bed yet. Finally, at half past one, Sirius went looking. He checked the library first, since old habits die hard and when Remus wanted to hide when they were at Hogwarts, the dusty library was where he found refuge. Of course, back at Hogwarts, they'd had the map… Ah well.
But Remus wasn't in the library, nor the kitchen, parlor, dining room, or any other public rooms on the first floor of the house. That left the bedrooms on the second floor, and what Remus was doing in one of those dusty, unused rooms quickened Sirius's temper. He first checked the wing the master bedroom and Harry's room occupied, and, finding those empty, he moved to the north wing.
Where he found Remus sleeping on a dirty, dusty bed with his clothes on since he only had a sheet for a blanket.
"What the bloody Hell do you think you're doing?" he yelled, startling Remus out of a light sleep- and the bed- and into a fighting stance, wand at the ready. It was a couple seconds before Remus realized it was just Sirius being an arsehead and not an actual threat. He lowered his wand and regarded Sirius coolly.
"I'm sure someone even as dense as you, Sirius Black, could see that I was sleeping."
Sirius glared, "You know what I meant, Remus. Why are you sleeping in here?" He looked around at the filthy room; Molly must have missed this one even in the midst of her frenzied cleaning fits.
"I don't know what you mean."
"Don't give me that shite, have you gotten fucking amnesia? Because unless I'm very much mistaken, for the past year you and I have been sleeping together in the master bedroom, on the other side of the house!" Sirius felt more scared than angry now, "Why won't you sleep with me anymore?" Rejected. All that effort tearing down the barriers Remus had put up during the twelve years he waited for Sirius, all that effort was gone. The barriers were back up in full force, and the scariest part was that Sirius didn't even know why they were there this time.
"You don't get it. You don't understand what I went through when you were in Azkaban." Remus felt the anger, pain, and loneliness threaten to overtake him, but he had to say this. He had to make Sirius see what he was doing to him. "I know we had that discussion about those twelve years that tore us apart, but I didn't tell you everything. I didn't think I needed to." Sirius wasn't sure where Remus was going with this, but he listened, careful to notice the nuances in the words, in case Remus was saying more than what his words could tell.
"Sirius, we both know that werewolves don't mate for life, contrary to popular belief. We looked into that when we first knew what we meant to each other. What you don't seem to understand, Sirius, is that even if werewolves don't mate for life, in a way, I do. I never slept with anyone while you were in Azkaban. Not out of any sense of loyalty, but because I didn't want to. I couldn't. And when you and I became lovers again, I was so afraid that you would go away again. That I would have to go through those twelve fucking years of Hell all over again."
Sirius wanted to say something, he wanted to reassure Remus that he wouldn't be leaving again, but Remus raised a hand, silencing him.
"I convinced myself that you were not that reckless anymore, that you would not put yourself in that kind of danger again. I thought you understood-" Remus choked back a sob, took a minute to breath, and began again. "Sirius, when I saw you falling toward the Veil today, I thought that all those years when you were in Azkaban would be nothing- all the anger, hurt, and betrayal would be nothing compared to what I would face if you died. If you died, there would be no more hope. I was terrified out of my mind, Sirius, because I cannot follow you into death. I love life too much, or maybe I'm too much of a coward, to end my own life. When you were in Azkaban, there was always hope, but if you died, you would be going to the one place to which I cannot pursue you." Remus was fighting the fall of every tear down his face, and Sirius reached forward to brush them away, to take away the pain he saw in that ravaged face, but Remus shoved him away roughly. "Don't touch me, Sirius."
"Remus, I-" I'm sorry. It was stupid, I was stupid. I don't know why I did it. I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I need it. Please give me a second chance. The words Sirius had said to Remus after The Prank came rushing back to him and he choked back a desperate sob. Remus had given him a second chance then. Hell, he'd given him hundreds of chances. I've thrown away every single one of them. Sirius realized. He looked up to see Remus walking to the door. "Wait! Remus! Don't leave me!"
Remus turned from the door, hand on the knob, and looked at Sirius. "Why shouldn't I? When you seem so damn Hell-bent on leaving me?"
"Because, Remus, I'm a fucking idiot. I haven't been trying to leave you, I've just been a git and a prat and an arsehole." Remus didn't seem to be refuting any of this, so Sirius kept going, stepping closer to Remus. "I have been a selfish bastard, Remus. You're right, I didn't understand, and I hate myself for it. I hate that I caused you so much pain. But I love you, and I don't want to hurt you. If I had thought-"
"That's always it, Sirius! If you had thought! But you never think! You just act." Remus's eyes met Sirius's, bright with tears and so much pain. "Sirius-Padfoot, I love you. I will always love you, but I don't know if I can stand being around you if you just throw all that away."
Sirius gripped Remus's arm, and with the other hand, cupped Remus's cheek. "Moony, I'm so sorry. I should have paid more attention to what my actions were doing to you. You're right, my recklessness is tearing us apart. And I realized today that it's not just you I'm hurting, it's Harry as well. I don't deserve to be forgiven, but I can't live without you by my side. I love you, and I need you. Please don't go, Moony."
Remus's eyes caught Sirius's, held them, and Sirius felt his soul being searched. He didn't mind. He had never been able to hide anything from Remus, anyway. He did what he could, and poured his soul into his eyes, bared everything for Remus to see, held nothing back.
Remus found what he was looking for. With a hoarse cry, he threw himself at Sirius, crushing him to his chest. Then he pulled back, "Don't ever fucking do that to me again, please," he said in an amazingly level voice. Then he brought his mouth over Sirius's in a searing kiss.
For Sirius, his whole world was spinning faster and faster, and he didn't want it to stop.