Hello non-Twilight fans! Today I was really bored after watching Criminal Minds when I happened to see the movie Eclipse playing. So, since I was so bored I watched it thinking that I could have a good laugh at how stupid it was. I laughed really, really hard. Anyway, so once again I was reminded why I hated this series so much, since I had purchased the books a few years back thinking that it might be good, only to discover that the person who wrote it was on crack at the time and having dirty dreams about a glittering rock. And hence this one-shot was created.
Now, I'm gonna tell you guys right now that the grammar and such may not be that perfect because it is a self-insert and that the Volturi may be a little OOc because I haven't read the books in ages and I honestly don't care to read them again. Ok now that I've got that out of the way, I guess all I have to say is: Hope you enjoy. :)
Disclaimer: Thank the lord that I don't owe Twilight. However I do owe this one-shot idea.
The Cullen family stared at the four hooded figures infront of them with the mutual feeling of distaste. Of course now the Volturi decide to show up, after they had done all the dirty work. Seriously, Alice didn't think she would ever be able to get the mud stains on her couture jogging clothes out. Finally, after an overly tense silence, the middle figure lowered its hood to reveal Jane, who eyed the family with her cold red eyes before opening her mouth to speak. But somebody beat her to it. "Oh come on!" A girl's voice cried out in disappointment, causing all the vampire's to turn their heads in shock only to spot the source of the voice. A girl of about thirteen with long messy brown hair and light brown eyes stood a few feet to the left of the lot. She wore an old grey aero sweatshirt the used to belong to her cousin and dark skinny jeans. And as if the girl's sudden appearance wasn't unsettling enough, she pulled out a small round object, which was soon revealed to be a chocolate ball from the nice scent before popping it in her mouth.
After a moment, the girl seemed to notice that the sparking fairies were staring at her in shock, so she swallowed before questioning rudely: "What?"
"You're a human." Jane sneered, instantly getting over her shock as she sent a glare in the Cullen's direction who returned the gaze wide-eyed as though to say: 'What? You thought we brought her? Ugh, uh this is all on you.'
The girl snorted, unaffected by Jane's angry gaze as she rolled her eyes at the obvious fact. "No shit Sherlock. And you're a fairy princess."
Bella's eyes widened at the bold insult as the blonde fairy clenched her teeth in anger, nostrils flaring as she addressed the girl. "I am not a fairy princess. You however, will be a dead human once I'm done with you."
"Yeah, yeah save the 'I'm all tough cause I wear a cloak and sparkle in the sun' shit for your gay brother will ya?" The girl reported, grabbing another chocolate ball from her sweatshirt's pocket as the Cullen's watched; utterly speechless.
Jane's brother on the other hand was far from speechless. "I'm not gay, you insolent being!" He snarled making the girl snort.
"Please, do you know how many people ship…ugh, what's your name?" The girl pondered, not really asking him as she looked up to the sky, as though trying to recall something. Abruptly a book appeared in thin air next to where the girl was standing, grimacing the girl slowly reached for the book before snatching it back. "Do I have to?" She asked nobody in particular, making the Cullen's question her sanity. That is in till lighting flashed across the darkening sky. Throwing her hands up the girl screamed: "Alright, alright I get it! I have to read this piece of shit people call literature to get my information! As if being stuck here wasn't enough!" Taking in a breath after her rant, the girl glanced at the book, a look of disgust once again twisting her features as she grabbed it before flipping to the back. Nearly tearing the pages as she roughly turned each page before she grinned victoriously. "Oh, Alec, well that just about proves my point." She said, tossing away the book impatiently as Alec started towards her only to be held back by his sister.
"Wait," The blonde hissed eyeing the girl with new found curiosity. "How did you find his name in that book?"
Now despite, their um…differences, the Cullen's could not help but admit that they'd been wondering the same thing. However, when the girl let out a loud, disbelieving laugh they knew that the answer would not be to their liking. "Ha, ha, ha, ha…! You're telling me that you don't know…" The girl choked in between giggles, tears streaming down her face as continued her mad laughing fit. "That's rich! Oh, how far the mighty Volturi have fallen!"
"Pathetic human waste!" Alec sneered, sprinting towards her with his pathetic, unoriginal superhuman speed only to fly backwards into a tree once he got within spitting distance of her.
All the fairies couldn't help but ogle at Alec in shock as he groaned; his back cracking as he sat up, his hatful gaze on the currently smirking brown haired girl. Taking a few calm steps forward the girl spoke smugly. "You might be able to sparkle in the sun like fairies, but I can kick your ass with a single thought."
"How?" Bella whispered to herself, but somehow the girl heard.
"It's simple really." The girl began with a teasing smile as she took another step forward, "Once upon a time, a terrible book was published called Twilight. In that book, a Mary-Sue named Bella Swan falls in love with a psychotic, stalking vampire named Edward Cullen. Blah, blah, blah…they fall in love, he leaves her and all that romantic crap…and then they have to fight against…whatever newborn vampires are called in Stephenie Meyer's perverted brain, in an oh so epic battle which really isn't epic at all. So here I am, writing my sweet, sweet revenge on your creepy, stalking fairy ways not only for me, but for all other Potter fans and just normal Twilight haters alike. And I have complete control over everything that happens to me, since it's my story."
Nothing could be heard once the girl finished her tragic tale, not even the steady breath of the beings around her could be heard, mainly because they couldn't breathe but all the same. Finally, Bella, or rather 'Queen of the Mary-Sues' stepped forward. "So, you don't like me?"
"Even if you tried to burn me at the stake, I wouldn't." The girl answered honestly.
And it is here, ladies and Gentlemen that Bella Swan's true colors showed through. "But everybody loves me!" The Mary-Sue shrieked, stomping her foot in a very child-like manner as she continued her rant, much to the young girl's amusement. "Edward fell in love with me! Jacob likes kissing me! And even the Volturi like me enough to keep me alive!"
"Actually, I always thought she was a selfish bitch." Alec muttered causing the rest of his clan to nod in agreement, as well as managing to make the girl smile at him.
"Here," She said apoplectically, holding her hand out as she walked towards his fallen form. "As long as you don't try anything else and I keep my big mouth shut, we're all good."
To answer Alec stared at her hand suspiciously for a moment, before offering her a small grin as he grasped her hand, nearly crushing it in the process. Once he was up, the girl realized with a start that Bella was still going on and on about how brave she was and how selfless she was. (Yeah, the girl and the Volturi had a good laugh at that one.) After about five minutes of this however, Alec asked the girl which must have been the smartest thing she ever heard a Twilight character ask. "Wait, you said you control everything right?"
"In a sense, yes." The girl corrected him, making the vampire (yes, the girl decided that he earned this title back) frowned.
"What do you mean by: in a sense?" The dark haired vampire questioned, feeling strangely fearful when the girl smirked.
Her smirk growing at Alec's fearful expression, the girl explained. "I can control what happens to me. That's all, I can't control how you lot would feel towards me or change your personality's to my pleasing, although some authors would think differently."
"So," Alec began slowly turning once to the Mary-Sue gone rogue before facing the amused girl once more as he finished in fascination and horror. "This is…"
"Yep, it's all her." The brown eyed girl answered, pitifully placing a hand on Alec's shoulder and muttering: "there, there."When she saw his red eyes widen in terror at the thought.
Gaining his nerve back, the vampire glanced pleadingly at the girl, his lips opening to form stumbling words. "Bu-but you can do something about it right?"
"Oh, emotionally no; physically…" Here the girl removed her hand from his shoulder to pull out a stick.
Glowering at the stick in disbelief Alec growled: "Beating her with a stick won't do much damage."
"It's not a stick! It's a bloody wand!" The girl seethed before calming down at Alec's angered gaze and continuing. "And since I'm the one in control here, I can end this hell once and for all."
"What do you mean?" Alec questioned wearily as the girl aimed the wand at Bella, a twisted smirk curling the corners of her lips.
"I mean that it's time to say bye-bye to Bella's kind!" The girl screamed making the Mary-Sue turn towards her in rage, just before fear replaced it as the girl shouted: "AVADA KEDAVRA!"
A jet of green light shot out of the wand and struck Bella right between the eyes, making her face twist in the most hilarious expression imaginable before she fell to the ground. The cursed Mary-Sue was finally dead. The Volturi automatically shouted in victory, Jane and Felix shouting in triumph while Alec grinned widely as the girl summoned a bottle of champagne, which she shook before opening happily; spraying the 'villains' in happiness. Meanwhile, on the other side of the field: Jasper was forced to hold Edward as he sobbed uncontrollably over Bella's body. Which was really quite pathetic since he couldn't cry; at all. Just like how he can'thave sex with anyone since it is scientifically impossible.
And that my friends, is how the battle against the Mary-Sue really ended. Thank you, goodbye oh, and to Twilight lovers: Tinkerbell beats your glittering fairies to the ground!
P.s And they also can't love like Harry.
Love it, hate it, have constructive criticism in case I want do anything similar in the future? Then please review.