CHAPTER - 10
From: Dr. John Flynn
Subject: When will you LEARN?
Date: August 27 2011 08:02
To: Christian Grey
What can I say about your email? Ana STOPPED you from hurting her. You came to your senses after a terrible nightmare. I think you overreacted to her having a drink with a friend. I don't even have a clue what a punishing fuck is. But, of course, I have never lived your lifestyle.
You didn't hurt Ana, but you did hurt yourself. You gave yourself a nightmare. If you ask Ana, I bet she could tell you when you have nightmares. I suspect it's only after the two of you have had a fight? You can't remain sleep deprived the rest of your life. Sleep heals, restores, and makes you clear headed. Someday I hope you will consent to a sleep study!
Have fun in Aspen. Remember your goal is to love Ana, not punish her. Work toward your goal!
John
From: Christian Grey
Subject: Only a minute
Date: August 27 2011 01:30 MDT
To: Dr. John Flynn
I only have a minute before I go fishing with Ethan. Elliot is asking Kate tonight to be his wife. The poor man is jumping out of his skin for fear of rejection. I'm under threat of secrecy not to tell anyone or else Elliot might beat me up. I think Kate has even made Ana a little nervous about her relationship with Elliot. Thank God, Mia took the girls shopping.
I'm trying John. It seems so much easier here in Aspen to be myself. Maybe moving is the right thing. Escala has too many negative memories. I want to feel good, but a few days of happiness is all I seem to get then I or someone else fucks up my life and I'm back to square one.
Will my life always be out of my control?
Hope you are having a good weekend.
Christian Grey
CEO Grey Enterprise Holdings, Inc.
From: Dr. John Flynn
Subject: Happiness
Date: August 27 2011 13:06 PDT
To: Christian Grey
Christian you have to believe you deserve happiness. Remember this therapy is called Solution-Focused Brief Therapy for a reason; you are supposed to be focusing on a solution. If you want happiness then focus on being happy. The relationship with Ana has only been a few short months. Even though you are married you are still adjusting to living as a couple. You're coming off a lifetime of self-doubt and self-loathing. How do you expect in a few short months to be changed completely? I know you; everything comes with instantaneous gratification, but life doesn't often work that way.
You are making great progress!
Please believe in yourself and the power of Ana's love.
Christian you will never be without problems or doubts; none of us is. You have not hit Ana since she came back to you.
You may have had the urge but you can control your urges. You can control your controlling ways.
I know in your head that you have the future mapped out. But life never works in a straight line.
There will be speed bumps and potholes ahead, maybe even a sinkhole or two.
Just remember only you can control how you react to things. Concentrate on what you want from life and more solutions will appear.
Have fun fishing. I'm jealous!
John – who is watching Cricket as I write!
From: Christian Grey
Subject: Partying in Aspen
Date: August 28 2011 02:45 MDT
To: Dr. John Flynn
Sometimes John or Dr. Flynn, I forget you are my therapist. You're right about concentrating on happiness.
I didn't caught anything, Ethan did.
He is a bright young man who is working on his masters in psychology and I think maybe in the future he will become my brother-in-law. Just the way he talks about my sister. I don't think he knows he is in love yet, much like I didn't know.
Is it good that I can recognize the signs in other people that I had myself?
The proposal went off without a hitch. Kate was blown away. Elliot was so cute and insecure. I have never seen him that way or at least I have never recognized it in him.
Ana was groomed by Kate to look like a fashion model wearing silver stilettos with a tiny short silver dress. She also did Ana's makeup. With her face painted it was hard for me to see Ana, but I have to admit that fashion model Anastasia was one hot babe.
John you know my wife is very sexy and tonight she was even sexier.
The night was perfect until some guy at the nightclub put his hands on her. He was at least six-foot-eight, blond and smarmy. Ana slapped him once and he almost went to the ground. Of course, I overreacted and punched him once after I saw what had happened on the dance floor. Elliot held me so I couldn't hit the son-of-a-bitch again.
Ana brought me back to reality by rubbing her body on mine trying to get me to dance with her. My little fashion model is quite a woman. First calming my fears and then making me hot on the dance floor. I would have shown her my appreciation, but she had too much to drink in the high altitude. She passed out and I'm watching her sleep.
I love to watch two things about Ana – watching her come and watching her sleep.
I will take your advice and concentrate on happiness.
Good morning John
Christian Grey
CEO Grey Enterprise Holdings, Inc.
Christian sent two business-related emails, and then felt the overwhelming need to sleep. Soon he was curled around Ana's body, as her scent invaded his nostrils luring him to sleep.
Monday August 29Christian was waiting for John's last client to leave. John motioned Christian to enter.
"You look good, I think even a little relaxed. How do you feel?"
"My calves are a little sore from the hike yesterday. Ana was amazing to hike with; she almost matched me stride for stride up the mountain. It was so beautiful in the mountains, and the air was so light. She slept on the plane home. It was a good weekend."
"Only two things are bothering me instead of fifty. While we were having sex, I asked her to play rough and do anything she could to get me off her. She was up for the game. Things were going fine until…"
John gave him time and, when he didn't say anything, John repeated until…what?"
"I guess I let down my guard, and she stopped playing. The next thing I knew she was straddling me and then took charge. It was unsettling for her to be in charge. She always asks when she makes love to me, but this time she took over and just fucked me."
"Christian, can't you even relinquish control long enough for her to have her way with you? Did you have an orgasm, and was it good?"
"That is what she did, had her way with me. Of course, I came and it was good, but her taking control is disquieting to me. Maybe I have just gotten used to being in control. She does have the right to enjoy my body as she wishes, but somehow I need my psyche to respond as much as my body."
"Do you think you can do that, Christian? Do you trust her when you're having sex?"
He rubbed his right hand through his copper hair, even messing it up more than usual. "I want to trust her, but part of me thinks she will cross some line. Not that she would hurt me, only that my anxiety would take over and make her stop giving me pleasure."
"What you're living is what you learned. Elena touched you in ways to control you. Ana doesn't want to control you. She wants to love you and, by showing you love, she wants only to give you pleasure. Just think how much better your orgasm will be if you could unwind into the pleasure she gives you. Just think what that orgasm would feel like, maybe mind-blowing," he smirked.
"Ana has a list of her mind-blowing orgasms. If I like to see her come, then maybe she would like to see me have a mind-blowing orgasm from her."
"I think you are beginning to understand, Christian. Your sex before Ana was always about controlling the other person. I know you have told me that Ana will come on command, but I suspect it's your voice that's her undoing. She has no fear of being punished if she doesn't come on command like your submissives. You know all the tricks of sex, Christian, but for the most part you don't know the emotions of sex. That is what Ana is giving you each time you're together. She wants you to be emotionally exhausted after sex, not just physically. I would say most of the time, after she has found her release and then yours, you get up and go to work without a thought to her emotional needs. She wants to stay in your arms, fall asleep, and wake up in the same closeness."
Christian went to the fridge took out a water bottle, drained it, and put the bottle in the recycle bin. When he sat down he said, "So let me see if I've got this right, you're saying that my sex is physical, and I don't connect emotionally with Ana most of the time."
"Precisely, of course, Ana's mind-blowing list is probably the times you did connect emotionally. Ana has only had sex with you and probably doesn't know she is missing anything, She has learned all her sex from you."
"That is a terrible thought that my sex is the only sex she knows. I would go ballistic if she was touched by someone else, but that is not what you are talking about. You're saying, for her to be completely satisfied, and then I have to give her the emotions with sex."
"By Jove, I think he has got it. What's next on your list of fixable problems?"
"Same ol' same ol'. She wanted to know if I missed the caning and beating? I think she saw me pick up a garden cane or stake while I was walking the grounds in Aspen. I probably unconsciously was air caning someone. This was the first time I was calm and told her that I didn't miss it. Even the thought of doing that to Ana makes my stomach turn. I only have a riding crop and a soft suede flogger in the room. Both of those she enjoyed as I used them on her. Taylor disposed of canes, whips, belts, and paddles from the playroom. I just didn't want the temptation."
"See you're making progress, Christian. You're building a life with Ana out of trust and mutual respect. Will you ever give Ana a punishing fuck?"
"No, I might punish her a little by not letting her come right away, but then I will always build her up so I can watch her fall apart in my arms leaning against my chest."
"Do you derive pleasure from her touching your chest?"
"Yes, a matter a fact, I now crave it. If you had told me four months ago, I would feel this way I would have called you crazy. I get your point. In another four months, emotions and sex may become one."
He looked at his watch and said, "Got to go, taking Ana to the American Shipbuilders Association Dinner. I have to make all those old coots jealous that Ana is my wife. This has been a very productive session. You still think I'm making progress, Doc?"
"Christian, if you weren't so driven to be complete, I would think you still have years of therapy ahead of you, but you want this therapy to work. You're taking my suggestions and making them work for you. You want to fit in. You don't want to be an outsider anymore. You want to hang out with us little people."
He smirked at Christian as he stood up and headed to the door, then turned around and said, "It's easy to fit in with a little person such as yourself."
John protested, "I'm only an inch shorter than the tall and mighty Christian Grey."
Tuesday September 6- Christianmarched into John's office unannounced. "Last night I desperately wanted to send you an email to bite your head off, but somehow my logical brain took over from my emotional brain. I'm so fucking pissed at you I could scream."
"You're doing a pretty good job of screaming without elevating you voice. I know about Leila's foray into Seattle. No one was hurt and, from what others told me, she was civil. You're the one who overreacted, running into Leila's carefully executed trap to see you. It's strange to me that you let someone like her, control you. Leila only wanted to see you and, when you refused, she did the next best thing, she went to see Ana."
"Oh no, please don't tell me that Ana was one of your spies. I only wanted to protect her from Leila and, like all of my good intentions, it backfired." Christian shrugged.
"It was not your wife. From what I understand, she stood her ground and felt you were belittling and badgering Leila. When will you learn that Ana can fight her own battles? You can't tell me that Ana doesn't have at least a morbid curiosity about your submissives and your past life."
"Yes, my Ana wants to know everything about my past, but I thought Leila would harm her. Instead by running over to SIP I made a fool of myself. Sometimes I want control over a situation more than anything, but running into a situation with no knowledge always makes me look and feel like an idiot. Ana made me confess later that I even had feelings for Leila. Ana knew that I wasn't in love with her, but I had caring feelings. Why does Ana drag my past out of me like that?"
"Because she loves you; Ana knows that you hide your secrets, and she'll always want to expose them to the light. How did you feel when you admitted that you cared for Leila?"
"Ashamed and guilty – I only want to love Ana and don't want my fucked-up past to taint her in anyway, but I know it has. Admitting that I cared for Leila was an eye opener. First, it proves how much I love Ana, and it also proves that I wasn't as evil as I thought. I had feelings for Leila, maybe she was the turning point. Not that I loved her or any of those feelings, but when she left, I felt hurt. And if I felt hurt, then I must have had feelings for her. Maybe she was the start of me changing."
"Christian, it's not important what kind of feelings you had for her. It's only important how you feel about her now."
"Since, she is back on her side of the country, I guess that I no longer have anger towards her; I have no feelings. I want Leila to be happy and healthy, and I have no ill will towards her but, on the other hand, I have no feelings. I wish her the best, but I don't want her here to remind me what a fucked-up son-of-a-bitch I am."
"Christian, you were fucked-up then and much less now. How has Ana taken all this?"
"After our argument at SIP, we went home and fucked each other's brains out. Sex is good to relieve stress, but it also can be a barrier to communication. If I don't want to talk, then I can avoid the conversation by having sex. I still have issues with Leila; I remember my terror when she had the gun pointed at Ana, when she was out of her mind. I don't know how I will ever rid myself of that image."
"I don't believe she will ever contact you or Ana again. I do believe her reason for seeing Ana was to get to you. She wanted to thank you and see you one last time. Leila has lost her husband, and her lover was killed. You were the last remaining stable thing from her past. She did not expect you to be with another woman who wasn't a sub. From that point, her mental illness took over, causing her to do bizarre things. By seeing you yesterday, she could put everything into perspective. If you had not seen her, she would have always wondered if there was a chance the two of you could have gotten back together. You had nothing to do with her breakdown and a lot to do with her recovery. You have given all you could mentally, and soon your financial burden will be lifted, too. You should be proud of yourself being so generous."
"There you go, John, always making me out to be a better man than I am."
"Do you think for one second Ana thinks you are a loser? No, of course not, to her you are helping Leila, and helping without strings attached except the one about her being on the opposite side of the country."
"Now I know who you have been talking to. Leila talked to you before she flew home."
"I wondered how long it would take you to figure that out. Go home, Christian, your tirades are a bit wearing. You have your beautiful Ana to take care of."
Christian looked at him and said, "Will I ever be whole?"
"I have news for you; we are never whole, complete or never without need. We are human beings with faults and frailties. We all are just doing our best to survive in loneliness and despair. Most of us cope. But the problem with you at twenty-eight is you are just figuring it out now, and the rest of us have had a lifetime to deal with it. Go home, and kiss your wife, and enjoy what pleasure there is."
Christian grew alarmed and said, "It's not a bad mood or a bad client; what aren't you telling me, John? We are friends."
"I thought I could hide it but, just like the new flooring that no one else saw; you could see the chink in my armor. Rhian has been diagnosed with breast cancer. She is so young, and survival rates aren't the greatest when you're thirty-four."
"I'm your friend, and I hope I can be of some comfort to you and Rhian. Whatever you need! I don't mean just financially but, now that I have feelings, maybe I could be a comfort to both of you. If you need time alone, Ana and I will take the boys. I'm so sorry, John. You sure know how to put my problems into perspective. Now it's your turn to email me."
John looked up and gave him a half-hearted smile. Christian was devastated.
When Christian picked Ana up from SIP, she took one look at him and said, "Oh, Christian, my love, what is wrong? You look like someone died."
"Rhian, John's wife, has been diagnosed with breast cancer."
Ana just slid into his lap thinking that Christian had never mentioned anyone dying around him, but to him, Rhian having breast cancer was a form of death.
When they arrived home, Ana went to the kitchen and Christian went to his study.
"Gail, I would like to make gin and tonics. We have had bad news, and I think poor Christian could use a drink."
"Can I ask what kind of bad news, even though it's an invasion of your privacy?"
"Dr. John Flynn's wife, Rhian, has been diagnosed with breast cancer."
"That's terrible. You go be with Mr. Grey, and I'll bring your drinks."
Ana found Christian in his study, looking at the computer screen, with tears coming down. For the first time, these tears were for someone else; she realized that Christian's compassion was coming out. She opened her arms, and he rushed into them.
Taylor came into the kitchen and said, "Do you know why Christian was so down after leaving Flynn's office?"
"My love, Rhian, Dr. Flynn wife has breast cancer."
"I've never understood why bad things happen to good people. She is young, healthy and will survive. "
"I know this much, Jason Taylor, when you are young, it's harder to cure. I need to take these drinks into the Greys."
"I'll do that; you make us a drink because we do need it, too."
Taylor knocked at the study door even though the door was open. Christian looked up and said, "Thanks, Taylor, tell Gail dinner in about an hour. Sorry it's later than usual; I just need to relax first." Taylor went back to the kitchen.
"Ana, I know I'm screwed up, and our relationship has been short, but I just don't know what I would do if I were in John's place."
"If we had children like they do, you would go on living because of the children. Rhian is strong, and we have to believe that she is stronger than cancer. Is one of the charities you support breast cancer?" He nodded.
"Then make a generous donation in her name, and send her a card explaining your gift. Also, tell her, when she is up to it, we would love them to come to dinner."
"Thanks for making me feel better. I don't know why Rhian's situation hit me so hard. (He handed her a drink.) Maybe coming on the heels of Leila, where I had to admit I had feelings. I know for sure I have feelings about Rhian and John, whom I love like a brother."
She took him by the hand and led him to the great room.
"You're the new Christian Grey, the one I'll always be in love with, who is caring and kind. Let's not be depressed over John and Rhian. Let's be hopeful for the future with them in it."
Christian put down his drink and kissed her. It was a new kiss, full of hope and promise.