It was one of the most bitter and gut freezing days ever. She looked up to the sky. It was so light in hue, yet so dark in an invisible way. The sky hid what was behind and locked her in the world. She felt locked, squeezed and betrayed. She felt trapped. One big, cold gulp of air was pulled into her lungs. They still hurt. She didn't understand why, it isn't like she smoked. One harsh, bleak cough escaped her dry and chapped lips. It hurt. Everything hurt. She was showing withdrawal symptoms. Whatever the hell that may have been. She was going to fail. How could she be so stupid? How was she supposed to win? She looked around; her vision was still blurry from yesterday's depressant. She found herself in and out of these baffling situations. Every time she closed her eyelids, tight and stiff. Everything reminded her of those…things. She remembered what to do. She pulled out her worn out notebook and opened up the yellow, used pages. The cold body of the pen fit tight and firm in her hand. She ran her hand on the old fabric that covered the back sides of the book. It took a moment to come, but when it did, she wrote a bleeding poem full of emotion.

''I'll glance at the stars

As they swirl by

And I'll wonder

Oh wonder why

I'm seeing lights in the day

And darkness is so far away''

She took a moment to stare at her work. Her eyelids fall heavy again and she made the mistake of closing them. She clutched her eyelids so very hard this time. She pushed the thought away; she pushed light over the dark. She felt pain. She felt hurt. She felt amazed. It had worked. Even if it was for a second.

She felt her body, it was falling under her head. She fell back on the green, open grass and closed her eyes again. She did what had to be done and placed the thought with a long beautiful shore with golden sparkling sand. The waves were dancing with each other under the warming rays of the yellow sun. She imagined herself lying down on those little sparkles of shimmer. Somewhere, a bottle with an un-opened message was waiting to be found, so the owner could be saved. Somewhere, a fish was biting a person's hand. And somewhere, right in her heart, a bubble of joy was raising above all the dark. She felt herself enter the light. Off at a distant family castle making, a kid is yelling because his castle got destroyed from the waves who are swirling themselves back to their hideout. The kid is angry; he stares at the ocean and yells at the sea. The waves laugh. The crimson, dark sky is gone; it is replaced by a canvas painted of baby blue, yellow and white. The baby blue towel with the comforting feeling smells sandy under her soft skin. She gets up and walks over to the blue water. Her eyes drift from one end of the ocean to the other.

It seems so endless...it reminds her that there are way too much mysteries to solve in life. Like for example, where does a sea end? She should know, a sea never ends. It is full off opportunities and hope. She throws a wish in this endless, open and soothing crash of waves, and her wish is accepted with open arms. The sea loves her. The sea warms her. And she walks into the sea slowly, losing herself in nearby sounds; people laughing, the kid still scolding the sea, the doves cooing, the waves caressing the sand and she hears the sea yell quietly to her, she hears it fixing her. She lets go of all the weight on her body and she falls in the arms of the water. The water takes her in like promised, covering her cuts and wounds. She breathes under the sea after a long time of drowning in air. She breathes with hundreds of more souls who need the sea just like she does. And after she joins, they are all one. They are all broken, getting fixed by the healing touch of a warm friend. The ocean is wetting her dried lungs. The ocean is recovering her from all the thoughts. And under water, she smiles.

She opens her eyes. The darkness is gone, she can feel her lips moving from their dusted positions. She is bathed with light and love. Her heart feels full and whole. Her stomach churns and the alarming bells in her mind ring again. She hates food. It makes her throat dry, but she remembers the ocean wet those lungs. Her lungs are no longer captivated by walls. She is free. So she takes a carrot and a piece of cake. Looking between them, she just eats both. Because she CAN, because she wants to. Her eyes flutter close once more as she eats. She hums softly to herself as her mind triggers a reality.

She is in a room full of bells. They keep ringing loud in her ear, making it hurt. She covers her ears and yells in pain. Collapsing on the floor, she feels helpless again. A dull, low voice is heard from far.

As it gets closer, one by one, all the bells stop ringing. When they are finally here, she can un-cover her ears again. She can't open her eyes. She tries to yell but no sound escapes her full, pink lips. Suddenly, someone is standing next to her and whispering in her ear. The voice is comforting, the voice is not lying and the voice believes in her. The voice has been with her all along. The voice says; " You are ready." and she is. She has never felt more in ease and this motivated before. She chews on everything she can find. And her stomach sings in celebration. Her stomach is happy, she is happy.

She looks down at her notebook again and flicks through the pages. In there lies every thing she needs to do. She wrote a plan, she wrote what makes her happy, she wrote fiction and poetry, she wrote love. She is love. She has love. She is loved.

She looks around her again. It looks beautiful now. Since she is free from all the cages she had been put into, she can see clearly. And all she does is look. She sees a little bird eating from the ground, humming with the happiness of a new found meal.

She sees trees, so bright and green under the rays of sun, happily dancing with the wind. She sees people walking hand in hand. She sees a little lady bug on her hand and it feels beautiful. After months and months, she is finally free. She has escaped the dark, black prison and she is in paradise. She has control over everything and can reason with anything. She is not hurting one living thing, that is why she tries to caress this little bug but it flies away. As she watches the red little beauty fly away, battling her wings, she laughs. And she keeps on laughing. She never stops. She is happy. She is safe.

The wind opens up another page in her notebook. On this page is something she wrote long ago but in a blank page with nothing else. All the blank pages for ger to fill with new, happy decisions, little pink hearts and goofy smiley faces.

It reads; "How about we re-frame from any rash about we just freeze time for a little while and think. How about we just realize why we are important. How about we put the fucking knife down and do something, anything else.." Anything else but the past, the voice finishes.

How about we just put this life down and start a new future? How about anything else but the past?

And yes, she thinks. Because she can do this. She can accomplish anything she wants. She can do everything she ever wanted to but couldn't.

She can do it now because she won. Because this was a fight and she won. She is human, she is living, she is breathing and she is feeling. Her vision is clear, her lips are full and her lungs are wet. Her wounds don't hurt and they make her proud of how she lived, how she coped and made it out.

And yes, she thinks. She CAN do this. Simply because she can. She can. She just can. And she will. The voice and the ocean believe in her.