disclaimer: I don't own anything. (:
author's note: hot damn I haven't used this account in almost five years. O__O I forgot I had it. here's a senseless drabble that I thought up over night. Not much purpose, didn't really check it for grammar. blergh.
summary: I think I lost it. JamesLily, drabble.
"I can't do this anymore Lily," James whispered softly, a pained look on his face. I stubbornly lifted my chin, and with a sigh, he stalked from the common room, robes billowing in his wake.
I winced; my hands trembled pitifully in my lap. It was rare that an argument between James and I caused either of us pain. We were all but immune to the words that flew during our fights. Yet somehow, in the depth of my heart, I knew this time it was different. There was so much passion flying between us -- the rawness of it all left me breathless. James had opened up to me and I saw him as the man he would become.
It scared me.
I remember not being able to breathe when the firelight danced off the angles of his face. He looked so drawn, so lost in his own mind that my heart leapt to my throat. It was almost painful to watch him so vulnerable. James Potter is always sure. I have never seen him falter, not even under the hawk-like gaze of Professor McGonagall. Seeing him, tonight, shaking in uncertainty, I lost it.
James is the only constant in my life. He is my rock in a crazy world. He doesn't change, whether personality wise or what he chooses to eat every Friday night at dinnertime. He is James Potter and he is always the same.
Merlin, I lost it.
How could I not? He's James Potter for crying out loud! If he's unsure, then the rest of us humble beings are surely about to face some kind of horrible catastrophe.
"Oh James," I sobbed quietly to myself, hugging my body for support. He was far from the Head's common room by now, I was sure, and much too hurt by my stupid mouth to come running back any time soon.
There was no one to reassure me that nothing happened between James and me. I felt alone.
For the first time, I was thankful the for the Heads tower. Lily Evans did not cry; at least, not in front of any witnesses. I was too strong, too proud to be weak in public. In the confines of the tower, however, in the Head's private common room, I could let my weakness show.
I curled into a ball on the couch, hugging my knees to my chest in a pitiful attempt to fill the void. It was as if a hole had formed where my heart had once been. The edges were charred and stung with wire-hot fire. It was gaping, growing, and licking my lungs with its acid-laced tongue. I couldn't breathe, only gasp. Make the pain stop, I silently pleaded.
Why did James have to complicate everything? For six years, we were Potter and Evans. Oil and Water. We didn't mix and fought like bitter rivals, yet it was so easy to let myself fall for the one person I swore I hated. He had changed so much…
James was beginning to look more and more like my Prince Charming...
Why would he want someone like me anyway? I was just a challenge. He probably spent all his time trying to get a date out of me for a bet. I'd seen Sirius and James do it before -- and to both of them, I've always been unattainable. Merlin, the notion stings more than the pain in my chest.
It was becoming increasingly difficult to breathe. My ears ached from the deafening silence of the room. I inhaled, choking and spluttering over my own tears and spit, in a vain attempt to fill my lungs. My body was too numb, the hole too distracting…
Was it possible for someone to die, yet remain among the living? I felt empty, hollow, like everything inside was somehow missing. I was boneless, shapeless, and immoral; I existed in the lowest form of life. I became nothingness. Pain was all I could understand. Yet I was becoming immune to that as well…
For a while, I waited, listening intently for the squeak of the portrait door and for the quiet footsteps I knew too well. They never came, but I kept hoping, praying they would. I was too fixated on hearing what I wanted to that I forgot about my sobbing. I forgot the pain in my chest, the sudden rush of sorrow bubbling in the pit of my stomach.
The clock chimed in the distance and James had yet to return.
I don't remember how long I spent lying on the couch, but when I rose from their velvet depths, the full moon was shining in the window and the hole in my chest was no more than an icy prick.
---
"Lily."
Go away, I commanded, it's too early. My body felt completely drained. There was a dull ache in my chest and my head hurt tremendously. Did the Knight Bus hit me last night?
"Lily, I know you're awake."
Groaning, I pulled my comforter over my head and tried in vain to make myself comfortable again. To my left I heard a muffled curse, followed by loud, retreating steps. I smirked inwardly, snuggling deeper into my plush four-poster. Maybe now I could get some sleep.
"Have it your way." The comforter was thrown off me.
Cold, that was my initial thought, and wet, like molten ice flooding my veins. I shivered involuntarily, curling into a ball, trying to escape the freeze. My eyes opened on their own accord and I nearly screamed when a second bucket full of ice-cold liquid was thrown at me.
"Potter!"
I stood up on my mattress, water trickling into a puddle at my feet. On the left side of my bed stood a smirking, slightly flushed, James Potter with an enormous empty bucket in his hands. An enraged snarl escaped my throat and James' eyebrows shot up in alarm.
"Wait, Lily, no!"
I launched myself off the bed and straight at James. I wanted him to suffer from a painful, agonizingly unbearable crater like the one in my chest. It was his fault I was so angry. It was all his fault!
Unfortunately, for me, James was about a foot taller and over twice my body mass. He caught me in an iron grip, knocking the oxygen out of me as I crashed into his solid chest. Dazed and disorientated, I stared up at his face without really seeing it. If it weren't for his arms holding me in place, I would have fallen over.
"Lily, Lily?" His voice washed over me, laced with worry. "Evans have you gone loony?"
I watched his eyes soften as a fingertip brushed gently across my cheek. "You're crying."
So I was, I mused silently to myself. I wanted to scream and rip myself from his arms. Remember what happened yesterday, I pleaded with my mind. He never came back! I wanted to ask him why he was here with me now. Why did he bother to come find me?
The hole in my chest burned.
The world stopped moving. I pressed myself closer to his warm body. James looked uncertain again, with his eyes searching my face for answers.
"You came back," I murmured into his chest.
He smiled crookedly, "Silly Lily, you know I always do."
I kissed his chest and he held me close until the world started spinning.