I wanna go home like the home that I keep
You can dig six, or sixty six feet
We can live forever, still your misery missed me
Hold this song together with a bottle of whiskey
Look into the mirror at the lines that time drew
Seen them painted white and the eyes that shined through
My heart beats heavy in an open chest-
And I wanna say goodbye, but there's nobody left
- Hollywood Undead, Believe
Failure, screw-up, disappointment, freak-
Sawada Tsunayoshi was four years old when he realised just what kind of person he was. Indeed, a mere toddler, he had been towing his increasingly heaving bike down the tired streets of Namimori, hoping to reach his home as soon as possible. See, Tsuna was dame, and dame children don't have friends. Dame children get kicked about like rag dolls, because the dame children deserve it. Tsuna sometimes had to remind himself of such a dictate on the days the other schoolboys failed to.
So, wary with a heavy concern and as the bags beneath his eyes slumped further, he took a moment to stop and wonder. Wonder what he could have been like, had he been someone else. It was nice to allow his imagination to run- to paint from an open palette and consider every colour and its many shades, and paint across every drab canvas a world without limit or strain, where he could be anything. Where he could be something.
The dream began to float away as the water of tears drag it 'way to drown. An artillery of fist-sized stones had strafed down upon him, pelting him the back with sharp and bitter force. He bit back a weighted sob.
"Awh, look! Dame-Tsuna's crying!"
Tsuna tightened his grip around the bike, nearly dragging it across the pavement. He flinched as a final rock caught the small of his back, barely refraining from keeling forward, but it held little power and dropped to the ground in a sound as light as the laughter that faded with distance.
Numb, Tsuna walked the long roads until his home protruded through the fog. His vision was blurred as Nana pulled him into a warm, soft hug, fussing affectionately over her 'clumsy little Tsu-kun'.
"Is otosan home?" he asks with forced gusto, grinning widely for his smiling mother.
"Not now, Tsu-kun. But he promised he'd be back for dinner!"
Surprise surprise, Tsuna thought wearily through an ardent nod. In his father's eyes, the only good thing Nana had ever created was a meal. Tsuna was probably one of the mistakes along the way. He giggled, senseless, as his mother pulled away.
"You can do your homework while we're waiting," she continued cheerfully. "I'm sure your otosan will have loads of lovely things from the North Pole!"
"The South Pole," Tsuna corrected, eyes painted bright. "I bet he'll have loads of chocolate!"
Nana laughed, ruffling his hair fondly. "I'm sure he will, Tsu-chan."
With a final toothy beam, Tsuna turned away and hurried into the house. He discarded his bag apathetically, collapsing beside it with just as little zeal. Pulling out a sheet defiled with unintelligible scrawl, he stared at the meaningless words with familiar confusion. I don't understand.
It was nothing new. Tsuna's stupidity was no great revelation- it seemed as though everyone already knew, regardless of how hard he tried. He didn't put his hand up in class to ask what anything meant. He wasn't so foolish as to parade his inferior knowledge. Exhaustion as his anaesthetic, he gazed through the papers in a deadened daze. Where had he first gone wrong? Was it his training wheels? His speech patterns? Was Tsunayoshi just that useless?
He had not finished a single question by the time Nana's bubbly face had peeked through the door. "Tsu-kun!" She called brightly. "Otosan is home!"
Idle and jaded, he glided on weightless legs toward the kitchen. His head felt as though it was enveloped in a cloud, both pressured with forceful air and a secret lack of it. He slid into a leathery seat as his father wandered into the room, sporting an eye-sore of an orange suit and an overzealous grin.
"Tsu-tsu!" He declared, patting his son crassly on the shoulder. He seemed to notice Tsuna's wince upon contact and took note of it, sending the boy a knowing look. "Love, we'll be back in the moment. Tsu and I are going to have a brief man-talk!"
"Alright dear!"
Bovinely, he hustled Tsuna into the garden. As his son steadied himself, Iemitsu leaned against the wall, slovenly grinning. "Did you get in a bit of a scuffle, Tsu-chan?"
Tsuna hesitated. "Kind of," he admitted softly.
"Oh, don't be ashamed! Your old man here was quite the rough-and-tumbler himself! Did you get a few hits in?" he chuckled. Tsuna squirmed, uncomfortable in his own skin.
"No."
To Iemitsu's credit, his grin only faltered slightly. "Oh, don't be sad Tsu-kun! Your otosan was a failure when he was your age, too!" The man laughed raucously.
Failure
Tsuna offered his father an empty small. "I bet you were like a superhero! You're just lying to make me feel better," he mumbled, lacking conviction in the starstruck words. Iemitsu remained unaware.
"Aha, I wish!"
Then, what feels like one hundred years later is only two decades, and Tsuna is a mafia boss with the weight of the world on his shoulders. Suddenly everyone has ten times as much criticism to voice and he's in over his head. He's doing this wrong, he's fucked that up. Tsuna has to make all the right choices when only ten years ago he couldn't even decide if this was the future he wanted.
It wasn't. He's had to give up so much. Too much.
Tsuna can't marry, or have a family. He can't visit the local library without a disguise or bodyguard. He can't eat anything before it's checked for poison. He is no longer dame, because he even had to give that up too.
He's better now, at hiding how weak his is. He smiles and laughs and people tell him that he's their beautiful sunshine, brightening their days with the light in his eyes. Tsuna stammers and blushes and feels so relieved that he can still fool people and that they're happy and that he's finally doing something right-
It lasts a moment before the person steps back, glancing at their phone each time with an exhausted frown before explaining that they have to go. Tsuna has to go, too. He just doesn't know where.
Other days are worse, and his guardians snap at him when he asks how everything is going. Their apologies, moments later, sound strained, and Tsuna understands how stressed they feel. He says that 'it's okay' and beams, and though they don't relax, their shoulders loosen and even Hibari's lips twitch, inclining upward.
No one asks Tsuna how he is, and that's alright.
Tsuna nearly loses Gokudera one night. It's just another raid (and he's so tired and honestly just pissed-) but somehow he's foolish enough to miss the bullet flying towards him. The weight of his friend shoving against him shocks him, allowing horror to disrupt his countenance. Hayato leaps in front of him and takes the shot, and as his body crumples against the floor, Tsuna feels something inside him die.
Stupid, stupid boy, says the voice inside his head, why do you do this? You ruin their lives, monster. All you are is another burden- a disappointment to your parents and a danger to your friends. You hurt them. All you succeed in is causing them harm. You watch them bleed everyday for you. What did they do to deserve this- to deserve you? You're disgusting. Stupid, selfish, senseless child. You have killed them all.
He's in the doctor's quarters with Hayato, holding his shivering hand as Shamal complains about how careless the right-hand man had acted. Tsuna agrees, telling Gokudera that he should always put his own life first.
"I'm sorry, boss," Gokudera Hayato says, as he always does. His mouth is twisted in a determined scowl, interrupted with winces as Shamal jabs at his wound. "I couldn't live with myself if you were gone at my fault."
It wouldn't be your fault, Tsuna wants to say, but instead he gives the man the same soft smile he always does. "I'd die for you too."
Sawada Tsunayoshi is a failure. Although he will never fail in many things, as he will never have the chance to try them, he manages to ruin everything he has ever loved. His mother wonders everyday if he'll be there the next, his friends risk their lives to merely associate themselves with him, and his father... his father hasn't realised that, unlike Iemitsu, Tsuna never stopped being worthless. Never stopped failing. And-
Tsuna wants to stop.
xxx
A/N: This fic is pretty awful, I know. I wrote while half-asleep so it's probably rather stupid. And the end can be interpreted however you'd like. I'd like to think it isn't referring to suicide, but if you think Tsuna has fallen that far than it's your opinion. On the other hand, no one might read this, and it can remain a guilty fic written when I was bored.
- KOT