This is an idea I've been playing with while inspiration for my other fics have deserted me. This is an advice column type fic, inspired by Robyn-Enjolras's Ask Auntie Enjolras. If you even remotely know Les Miserables, this is a brilliant fic to read. I hope you enjoy….the first question is from an anonymous questioner….aka, my alter-ego.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. KK, peeps?

Misto poofed into his human's computer room, turning on the computer. He quickly opened up his email account, and sighed as he saw he did indeed have mail from a fan girl. Why is it always fan girls? He thought in annoyance.

Dear Mr. Mistoffelees;

First of all, might I just say I am a huge fan? Second of all, I've been met with several requests to start an advice column for the CATS lovers I know. I thought that you, with your magical abilities, would have the best chance of answering viewers' questions.

Love,

Insanemistosingsmore.

He sighed again…this wasn't the first time this 'Insanemistosingsmore' had asked me the same thing. I had no choice but to give in, if she was getting so many requests. Besides, who's to say it wouldn't actually work?

Dear Insanemistosingsmore;

Fine, I'll do it. And no, you may not say that you are a huge fan. I find it hard to believe that you are a large machine made for blowing cold air. Those things do not admire, obsess over, or just plain lust after a cat. Just send me the questions, and then leave me alone!

With a burning hatred,

Mister Mistoffelees.

It wasn't long after this until the first question came into his email. He furrowed his brow….it was actually a really good question.

Dear Auntie Misty;

What's the difference between a Peke and a Pollicle? I mean, aren't both dogs?

Hateful but curious,

Anita Bavares, imaginary person.

Hmmm….good question. I thought for a moment, and then began typing…

Dear Anita;

First of all, thank you for not being obsessed with me…it's rather tiring, you know. Now to answer your question, Peke is actually short for Pekinese, but it's used to refer to most small, yappy dogs. Pollicles are the larger dogs, like a German shepherd or a Boxer. Poms are the poofier types of dogs, most notably the Pomeranian, but it could be something like a miniature poodle. Pugs….well, that's just obvious. If you need me to explain, you are an idiot. You know….this reminds me of the time when Tugger, Alonzo, and I were stuck in an alley, cornered by some Pekes and Pollicles….

Your admirer for not obsessing over me,

Mister Mistoffelees.

Sometimes weird stuff happens. Tugger had offered to bring me and Alonzo hunting….which was kind of weird, but I didn't question it at the time. I had followed a huge rat into an alley, not realizing it was a dead end. Seeing as the other two hadn't found any rodents, they followed me in. I started, letting out a hiss as I heard a deep, throaty growl behind us. It was a Pollicle, a Peke, two Poms, and at least three Pugs, but I couldn't be sure. Tugger squealed like….like…..like Etcy during Tugger's song…and hid behind me. Alonzo dead out fainted.

"Which one you wanna eat first, boss?" the Peke asked.

"I like the patched one. Get it for me, Snookums."

I started laughing. "Your name is Snookums? I can't believe it!" I couldn't help but laugh. "You're nothing but a clean-shaven Pom!"

"I take offense to that!" One of the Poms called out. The other just stood there, puzzled on how it was supposed to be an insult.
"What's your name, big fella? Spot?"

The Pollicle blushed and whined. "It's Princess…"

"I'll tell ya what…You leave us be, and I'll just shut my mouth about those embarrassing names. You even try to attack us…..and I think you'd be the laughing stock of London for weeks, Princess."

Princess whined, his tail between his legs. "Fine. Let's get out of here, boys…"

And that's how I singlehandedly took down both a Peke and a Pollicle….plus the Pugs and the Poms. I'd like to see the Rumpus Cat do that!