Join Akatsuki Today!

Deidara's life sucks, to put it bluntly. He has no money to waste as he so pleases, no job to get said wasted money and he smells like old people. So, he joins Akatsuki, where the clinically insane run amok, kill and get paid big bucks for it.

AN: I don't own Naruto, nor anything else mentioned. Oh! And updates are slow as hell. And generally, I don't do humor, so if you don't like it…I warned you.

I already posted this before, but I thought it was crappy and took it off so I could fix it. Thanks to Rin-neechan for editing. It'd still be crap without you.

And the thing between the breaks is just some stupid little quote I felt like adding. It has nothing to do with anything.

"One thing a fool must know; some secrets turn blood, to gold."

Deidara had a problem.

He was evil.

Now, normally this wouldn't bother him, but currently his evil was the cause of his exile and the bounty on his head; which was currently at the top of the charts, he was proud to add. Bounty hunters were searching under stones and pebbles for so much as one of his perfect luxurious hairs. However, Deidara could blow them up any day, so that was okay. What was wrong were the facts that a) He had no job, and therefore no money to waste on useless, trivial things as he so pleased, and, b) he smelled like old people, and that was a really, really stinky stench; and it's all because he's evil.

Don't misunderstand him, Deidara loves his art. Just give him some clay, and some sacrifices, and he could make the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. It's not barbaric, nor is it sadistic; it's simply an appreciation for what is hidden in plain sight.

However, owners of galleries simply didn't acknowledge that. They kept on saying, 'oh my god, my wife! You killed my wife!'and 'Holy crap, you just killed that guy's wife!'and 'You killed Kenny! You bastard!' and his personal favorite, 'Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!'

Well, that, or they really didn't appreciate it when Deidara blew up their limbs. He mildly understood that yes, getting your arm blown off hurt, and, yes, it would be blown off forever and you would remain horribly disfigured and you would never get laid again, but still. He got his eye stabbed out by his dad and he didn't cry.

But really, who knew blowing up more than half your village in the pursuit of artistic perfection was that bad? Besides, half of those buildings were the cruddy galleries, and one of those buildings was the current government. Deidara was sure that some anarchists would be happy—they were so hard to please; some were passive-resistant, some were violent on the inside, but were so messed up that they repressed it all and lived unhappily ever after; some just liked complaining…choose a side, people!—and all the artists in the world would forever worship him for destroying the less tasteful art.

Well, apparently all the anarchists were protesting in the government tower that he blew up, and the government officials were on vacation in the Country of the Waves. The Artists of the World convention was in town, yeah, but when he looked in their hotel rooms, all he saw were five year olds and crappy crayon pictures, with colors that ran outside the lines. Apparently critics had tastes that were the shit of all craps. So, Deidara blew up the hotel, later finding out that the actual artists were their parents, and they were out at the seminar conveniently located out of town.

…

…eh. He hated kids, anyways.

So, currently, Deidara had no use of his evil power of blowing shit up. His village tolerated it, yes, but they decided to be total assholes when he demonstrated his art, and, like the jackasses they were, put a price on his head and threw sharp, pointy, and sometimes blunt knives at him until he got out. As a side effect of this unfortunate firing, he was unemployed—they paid him to blow shit up, and then they fired it because of it. The bastards—and, really, he couldn't live with his dad in the happy hotel forever (haha! They'd never find him there!). Really an insane old-people home, but if you so much as mentioned that, every patient would get on their highly outdated ninja outfits and attempt to kill everybody with their walking sticks and overdosed sleeping powder screaming "Rebel against The Man!!" until they forgot about it five minutes later, and demanded their pudding, but still. The nurses were always eyeing him evilly, polishing their tranquillizer guns with almost scary deliberation. Maybe that was because every five minutes Deidara offhandedly mentioned that the happy hotel was really an old-people home?

…nah. That couldn't be it. They probably just envied his perfect hair, and wished to steal it for their own evil purposes.

…Back to the point, Deidara was unemployed, had a bounty on his head, was exceedingly evil, had a psychotic view of art, lived in a happy hotel and constantly stunk of old people. What could he do for a living?

His watch beeped, alarm going off. Startled, he jumped, thoughts coming to a screeching, and exploding, train-wrecking halt. Ah, yes. The midnight-make-old-people-go-crazy time.

Grinning, he pressed the intercom button. "Let's see, testing, testing, 1, 2, 'I-am-a-fucking-young-ass-person-and-I-can- and-goddamn-will-cuss-when-I fucking-please-you-wrinkly-bastard-old-people-I-hope-you-finally-choke-on-your-dentures-and-kick-the-fucking-bucket,'…un." Deidara dutifully recited his lines. Now, to see if it worked…

"Darn it, stay off my yard young whipper-snapper!"

"Show respect to your elders!"

"Apples!" Ah. It seemed that his dad was awake.

"This place isn't a happy hotel, it's an old-people home!" he yelled into the intercom. Releasing the button, he quickly ran out of the room, and into the frenzy—only to get tranquillized by the nurse that was waiting, an infuriated look on her pale face.

"Just stay here!" She snarled, throwing his now-limp body into a corner. "I'll deal with you later…"

Ahh! His hair! They were going to cut off his precious hair, and do unmentionable things to it! Like making it into a horrible '80's styled wig, and then they'd donate it to the less fortunate because they were weird like that! Ahhhh!

One minute later, Deidara was all feared out. It seemed that the tranquillizers had finally taken effect, and all he could feel was an intense boredom and a mild amusement at watching a normally bedridden Wrinkly-one simultaneously take down five nurses.

"Oh, no, they got you, too?"

Deidara turned his organic eye towards the speaker, keeping the implanted camera focused at Baldy 2.0 (now with a stylish comb-over!), who had gotten hit with several darts and was still lighting things on fire.

That was okay with him, though. It wasn't like Deidara got them in his system enough to become immune to it.

…okay, so maybe he had, but he was comfortable here, you know?

"What is it, dad?" He managed to bite out after a moment of silence. A syringe was waved in front of his sapphire eye, and Deidara flinched, but didn't move, not particularly in a hurry to get his other eye stabbed out. "Antidote?" His father asked, grim look on his face; black suit sticking to his sagging body like glue—

"Oh, I just threw up a little," Deidara muttered to himself, as he carefully maneuvered himself away from the needle. The wrinkly man nodded, seeing that he didn't need the antidote, and moved toward Baldy 2.0 (now with puke-inducing man-boobs!), who was struggling to hold a lit match up to the puke-green wallpaper, despite the fact that the several hundred tranquillizing darts imbedded in his back made him look like a drugged- up porcupine.

"I know, it makes me want to puke, too. The Man…" The elderly one grimaced in disgust, injecting Yuki with the cure, "is trying to bring us down. If The Man brings us down with The Man's evil organization, The Man will rule the world… the end is near!" He continued babbling about the end of life as we knew it, and how Armageddon was upon humanity.

Meanwhile, the cogs in Deidara's head turned--dusty and rusted as they were from getting no mental challenge from eating pudding and insulting old people...

'Evil organization...?'...I got it!...un!'

Deidara took no notice to his father's lapse of sanity, nor did he notice Baldy 2.0 (pudding and dentures sold separately) run into the nurse's lounge shrieking a high-pitched war cry.

He had the answer to his problems.

Deidara would join an evil organization, get paid, and help them in their pursuit of world domination; all the while educating people with his art. He would no longer smell of old people, and no longer would incompetent boobs surround him in their stupidity. Yes, for now he would have mostly competent imbeciles surrounding him!

"…I wonder if daddy dearest will sign me off the will if I work for 'the man'? …un."

From the twisted mind of theinsane, whom wishes for reviews.