Brought on by The Veronicas's song, Everything I'm Not. *snickers* can't get over the fact that when staying faithful to the lyrics in my head, Light became a girl. Also brought on by the fact that I believe that pretty much from the outset, Light was bat-shit insane- the Death Note only made it worse and brought it to light (pun totally unintended. No, seriously). It's one of the reasons I love his character so much. Pretty much canon, in my opinion. *smirk*
Let me know what you thought?
Warnings- major angst, spoilers up to end of Yotsuba, yaoi mentions (L/Light), confused babbling in a non-chronological order.
Disclaimer- Heh. I wish.
Edited 12/5/12- cosmetics and a continuity error I am ashamed it took me this long to spot.
You know, when you finally said you loved me, I became the saddest man in the world. Or was that the happiest? God, I couldn't even tell. Maybe it's most accurate to say, the most confused man in the world.
Yes, that fits nicely.
It was never hard to act around you. All in the name of Kira. I created a whole new persona, hell, I gave up months of my memories, my life, to get close enough to get under your skin. And I loved every minute of it. Right up until I realised that I wasn't sure what was the creation and what was really me.
When you said you loved me, who did you say it to? Why am I even asking the question- I know you said it to the not-me.
It's the reason you own the dubious honour of being the first person (and I will make you the last) who has ever made me want to cry.
It had to be the damn chain. Prolonged exposure: it works in various ways. It made me want to punch your head through the wall, made me want to change myself in your eyes. It made the lines (the lies) blur.
On the other side, it made you want to be wrong.
I think that was when I realised you weren't playing a game with me; at least that made one of us. Because you were never wrong- and then you went and tried to prove you made a mistake.
(And then you told me you loved me.)
(And then you told my lies you loved them.)
You just came out with it. Said it flatly over a cup of tea-sharpened sugar. I appear to have fallen in love with Light-kun. It's rather inconvenient, to tell the truth.
I hesitated, did a lot of blinking and staring, before calmly placing my plain black coffee on the counter. It grew cold as it sat there until you'd finished your breakfast (sugar with a small side portion of tea, cake and strawberries- how did you plan to survive long enough to catch Kira?). I avoided your eyes for the rest of the day and ignored anything not case-related for another three.
You didn't seem surprised by my reaction. I wasn't really surprised that you didn't.
You seemed to realise I'd never say it back. No matter if I was tired, or happy, or downright furious- nothing ever slipped out past the walls I'd reconstructed subconsciously.
I mean, the walls Kira was rebuilding even as you steadily knocked them down.
I mean, the walls I threw back up after my lies were coming back too close for comfort.
What am I even saying?
Ryuk never told me that the memory loss wasn't total. Wasn't complete.
I never counted on dreams.
Pens trying frantically to write faster than a keyboard can type.
Such righteous rage, squashing the modicum of respect that originally resided within me.
It was mostly feelings that bled through. I mean, even when there were images, I dismissed them as those of a fanciful mind.
Because seriously, who'd ever thought of a skeleton in leather?
(Except me, apparently.)
My lies took on a life of their own.
I realised that when I had to force myself to stop before I said, I love you too.
That was three days before I changed (back). I think you noticed the difference immediately.
Why am I even surprised?
L,
...
...
Well...
Damn, how hard is writing a letter to a dead person? It's not like anyone's ever going to read it.
Unless you're haunting me, you perverted bastard. I couldn't stop you looking if I wanted to, now.
Which I would.
...
So, I think I sorted my head out. At least, there's only one voice left in here. Even if it argues with itself sometimes.
It sounds annoyingly like you, actually. Bet you'd love that.
...
You didn't love me.
(Did you? God, did you?)
...
No. You loved not-me. You never saw me for me.
When the pretence was over, so was any feeling you had for me. (I mean, when I got my memories back, of course. It's touching that you thought I actually might be innocent.)
...
It took me some time to assimilate it all.
Light-kun.
Yagami Raito.
Kira.
You thought you loved one part of me, in the end. You wouldn't have been able to love all of me. Exactly that which you 'loved' was what kept us still so far apart.
Ironic, huh? The great seeker of Truth and Justice thought he fell in love with a lie.
...
I'm going to bury this with you, I think. All symbolism aside (of so-called buried feelings and what-not), it seems appropriate.
So...
... I guess this is farewell.
... You never really loved me anyway.
... Did you?