Disclaimer: I don't own Total Drama. If I did, Noah, Eva and Tyler would've had more development, Duncan and Owen would've had less screen time so their characters wouldn't become stale, Beth's run in Total Drama Action wouldn't have been so forced and Duncan and Courtney would've broken up long before Duncan and Gwen would've hooked up so Courtney and Gwen can still be friends. Also, Trent would've been obsessed with nine from the very start.

Warning: This is a very filthy story. Try not to have nightmares from reading it. Good luck.

"AWW! AWW SICK DUDE! NOT COOL, MAN! NOT COOL!"

Geoff and Duncan were hanging out in Duncan and Gwen's basement. Mike was also visiting Duncan, but he was in the toilet. When he returned, he noticed Duncan cringing and covering his eyes. Geoff, on the other hand, was snickering to himself.

"Are you guys watching a male version of 2girls1cup?" Mike wondered. Duncan shook his head.

"No!" he spluttered. "Worse! Geoff is showing me a video of a monkey masturbating! Trust me, you do not want to see it!" Of course, due to reverse psychology, Mike peered over Duncan's shoulder and saw the video. He cringed, gasped and became Chester.

"Goddamn kids and their despicable internet thingamajigs!" Chester griped. "Back in my day, we had no internet! We just shifted each other and made sure that the gosh-darn cops wouldn't find out!"

"Why would you worry about that?" Geoff wondered.

"If the goddamn cops found out we'd be labelled as sexual deviants and put in jail for the rest of our lives!" said Chester. "Back in my day, the bloody government called it buggery, but maybe if they allowed condoms back then most men wouldn't be sodomising!" Duncan glanced over at his stack of used-condoms sitting on the top-shelf. He realised the need to respect his elders more, knowing that if they were living in 1950's Canada, Gwen, Bridgette and Zoey would be pregnant by now.

"So what you're saying is, Canada was once a theocracy like Mississippi?" Duncan asked.

"Yes, thanks to those no-good bible-thumping fools who like to pretend they're Christians, much like those bomb-blasting Jihadists who like to pretend they're Muslims!" Chester scowled. "That's why I'm an Agnostic!" he added. He gasped and became Mike again.

"Holy shit!" said Mike.

"I know," said Geoff. "Canada was like 1950's Ireland and present-day Alabama in the 1950's."

"I think they can do that stuff in Alabama know," said Duncan. "My cousin banged a chick there once and they had an abundant supply of condoms. No one got arrested. So what video should we watch now?" he asked.

"There's a video of some gal eating a tampon," said Geoff.

"No, just no," said Mike, shaking his head.

"C'mon, our girlfriends won't find out," Geoff assured his friend. "In sure they're hanging out together, doing something that they don't want us to know."

Meanwhile, in Mike and Zoey's house, Bridgette, Gwen and Zoey were on Zoey and Mike's bed, giving each other Australian kisses. They were laying down naked in the shape of a triangle; their legs locking each other's heads. Unbeknownst to them, Cody was watching this through his binoculars from the tree in the back garden, which Mike's dad planted.

Mike sighed. "Fine," he said. He wasn't too big on seeing suggestive videos on YouTube, out of fear that they may cause him to get addicted to porn. But he shrugged it off. Duncan typed the keywords into the search bar and clicked the search button. The suggestions loaded instantly.

"Wow…" said Duncan. "That's a lot of videos."

"Maybe someone's being copycats," Mike snickered.

"No way!" gasped Geoff. "Is that a video with Anne Maria doing it?!" Duncan read the description.

"I can't understand it," he replied. "It's written in some Jersey language or some kinda shit. We might as well try it out. We're not gonna regret it. We already think of her as annoying and creepy, so this video won't change our opinions on her." He clicked on the link.

And indeed, they men were regretting it already. First, all they could see was a pair of red lips. The camera panned out to show Anne Maria's face. She was grinning widely and said:

"Su'bois?!" Anne Maria said in her usual Jersey tone. "I've gotta s'prize fo ya!" The camera panned out further to reveal a tampon in Anne Maria's hand. She brought the tampon to her mouth, opened her mouth, and popped the tampon in. Mike, Duncan and Geoff cringed in sheer horror as they watched her swallowing the tampon slowly. The guys were on the verge of barfing when Anne Maria was finished. She turned to the camera and smirked.

"An dat, bois, iz how ya swalla a tampon!" chirped Anne Maria right before the video cut to static. The whole video was two minutes and 37 seconds long. Surprisingly, the video was popular among the common masses, and it got 5,145,324 likes versus only 54,861 dislikes. Needless to say, the guys were relieved that it was all over.

"Okay, that woman gave a new definition to the word 'desperate'," Duncan spat. "And to think I thought she couldn't get any more fucked up!"

"What can I tell ya," said Mike, "she likes to watch those shitty reality shows like Jersey Shore, Tool Academy, American Idol and Toddlers and Tiaras." He shuddered at the thought of anyone liking these shows.

"Yeah, well it still doesn't change the fact that I will be having nightmares thanks to this hoe!" Duncan scowled, slamming down his laptop shut.

"At least Vito won't be into Anne Maria again," Geoff told Mike.

"No, he gave up on her after I told him that she likes to watch those dumb shows," said Mike. "I can't believe I didn't think of that at the beginning of my first season on the show. But I did assume he was into that stuff though."

"Well, I best be heading home to cook the dinner," said Geoff.

"Yeah, I might as well head home and fix the door on the freezer," said Mike.

"See ya guys, thanks for coming," said Duncan, leading them out the door. When his friends left, Duncan went back down to the basement. He opened up his laptop and clicked on the search bar. He typed in the following keywords:

Lesbian Monkey Sex

Sorry to all you people who are from New Jersey. What Duncan said about there being a 'Jersey language' was just him being pissed off about Anne Maria's text speech. Who wouldn't be? Speaking of which, I know most of you could comprehend what Anne Maria said in the video, but just to poke fun at her text speech, I'll put what she said in English here:

"What's up, boys?! I've got a surprise for you! And that, boys, is how you swallow a tampon!"

Also, sorry if the fic was disturbing and sexually inappropriate. I'm also sorry for not including Psycho Trent or Asshole Harold. I just wanted to write a story where they weren't the main causes of the funnies. But yeah, these fellas are still my favourite characters to write about. Anyway, I must go and wrap this up before I start having nightmares. The thought of seeing Anne Maria in person, eating a tampon right before my very eyes, is beginning to crop up into my subconscious. *shudders*