Title: One Right Thing
Author: Jane, the Frog on the Wall
Disclaimer: Oh, honestly. Do I look desperate enough to own these characters? That's what FOX is for! And also Joss Whedon, 'cause without that kind of celebrity this show would be going the way of "Ally McBeal." Oh wait, it is.
Summary: Kaylee has some thinking to do after "War Stories"
Authors Notes: In honor of Firefly being the gayest show ever next to Smallville, I wrote this. It's very gay. For Pooh_Bah, who helped give my slash-coloured goggles a better fit, even if she doesn't like Firefly that much. And for everybody at the TWoP forums, 'cause I know how to call somebody a turtle's egg in Chinese.
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Damn, it gets lonely up here. 'S all dark and silent tonight, 'cept for Wash and Zoe up in their bunk, but I can't hear that for Serenity rumbling along beside me. I'm sitting in the engine room, 'cause Serenity'll always make me feel better after a nice dose of failure.
I can fix things. I can make Serenity feel better if she's having a rough day, I can invent parts that'll keep her going to the next planet for a pit stop. Hell, I can put together a working pod in under three hours, but I can't seem to stop being a disappointment when it matters. I couldn't do it today, that's for sure. I couldn't do nothing but stand there like a helpless little girl once the shooting started. My hands, hands that've worked on more engines than I've had birthdays, they just wouldn't stop shakin' and I couldn't stop thinking 'bout those poor men and how they'd die all shot up and alone in the black.
And I couldn't not think about why anyone would go and design a spaceship that way. The outside was good and round to minimize structural weakness, but the inside was all wrong. Why wouldn't someone make it round and smooth on the inside? Just one big long tunnel like the belly of a snake, not bumpy and irregular. Not angular and confusing like a rabbit warren, with lots of little corners where a man could bleed to death like an animal.
I just can't seem to get it right. I tried so hard, I played so brave, but I couldn't finish it off. Hell, River - crazy, fascinating River with that cute little smile - had to save me. She's even littler'n I am, but I still get stuck bein' the baby and I hate that. I hate it so much.
So I crawl up into Serenity, tucked in between the heart of the engine and the wall where it's nice and warm. Feels so cozy there, not bright and fake like the bunk I have, filled with coloured paper and little blue lights and stupid, feminine things like dresses and jewelery that I never really wanted in the first place. Never really wanted 'em 'cause I'm not like that. I can't be pretty, can't be ornamental, can't do nothing right when it comes to the important stuff.
"Hey."
I don't look at her, can't even look in spite of the fact that she saved my life three times over just now. She doesn't even care. Just squeezes in between me and the wall, wraps her tiny legs around my waist and I can't do nothin' but start to cry. Her arms sorta rest on my shoulders, hanging just near my neck. She knows what I'm thinkin', she always does. Might be 'cause I'm so easy to read, might be 'cause she knows me so well it don't matter how I'm acting. She just knows those kinds of things.
"No power in the 'verse can stop you, either."
Moist lips brush against the back of my neck just once and it makes me shiver all over, just like it always does. It's s'posed to make me feel better but I cry even harder, 'cause I don't deserve this. I don't deserve none of it, I couldn't even kill somebody when I knew they had the Cap'n. Hell, I knew he was missing his ear and I still couldn't do it.
"Can I tell you a secret?" she asks.
My mouth's touching her arm, and I move my lips "yes" on her skin.
"I wish I hadn't hit them."
I can't do nothin' but keep crying still, 'cause I'm useless like that. But she doesn't shut up, just keeps on rambling like I'm not even there. I think it's prolly one of the reasons I'm in love with her.
"They all had families, probability that nine orphans sitting in the cold right now are crying. . .too high, too high to be wrong, can't not miss because I know the angle my hand has to be, know that all I have to do is squeeze and I did, one two three times -"
She cuts off real sudden, and we're silent for a long while. I can feel her breathing, and it's makin' it harder for me to breathe and cry at the same time until I get the hiccups. Now we'll wake somebody, I know it.
"I knew what you were thinking, too." Her voice is sudden after all that silence, and my next hiccup comes out as a squeal. "You were thinking about structural integrity, what a waste of good materials it was to have all those nooks and crannies, for rats and little girls and soldiers to sleep in. "
"Yeah," I say, finally.
My voice is watery and about three octaves too high. It makes her giggle, just a little, and then I can't help but smile. Soon we're both giggling, even though nothing's really funny we just need the release so bad. So we laugh 'cause it's convenient, and we don't even notice how loud we're being until Inara's practically stepping on us. I stop laughing pretty fast.
I just know I'll mess this'un up too. She'll probably tell somebody like the Cap'n, and he'll tell Simon and he just think he needs to keep River so protected all the time. She hates that. I don't mind it, but I'm sure I will once he starts protectin' her so good that she never ever holds me like this again, and I implode into my own little puddle of suckitude.
But now I'm thinking I might not do so much imploding, at least not this week. 'Cause all she does is smile at us, and put a finger to her lips.
"Shh," she whispers. "You'll wake everybody."
And then she's gone. River gets up to leave, like she knows I'm gonna dismiss her and she's right 'cause that's usually the kind of thing I'd do. But I grab her arm with my teeth - gently - 'cause it's the closest thing I can reach, and she sits back down.
"It's okay," I tell her, and my voice is a little more sure of itself, " 's only Inara."
I'm not feeling so bad anymore, about not being able to do any of the killing. It took me a long while to get good at crime, so maybe this'll come with practice. Anyway, I don't think I'd want to have killed them if I could go and do it again. 'Cause I've learned from a whole lot of failure that I can really only get one thing right at a time, and I wouldn't want to do this thing wrong, too.
Author: Jane, the Frog on the Wall
Disclaimer: Oh, honestly. Do I look desperate enough to own these characters? That's what FOX is for! And also Joss Whedon, 'cause without that kind of celebrity this show would be going the way of "Ally McBeal." Oh wait, it is.
Summary: Kaylee has some thinking to do after "War Stories"
Authors Notes: In honor of Firefly being the gayest show ever next to Smallville, I wrote this. It's very gay. For Pooh_Bah, who helped give my slash-coloured goggles a better fit, even if she doesn't like Firefly that much. And for everybody at the TWoP forums, 'cause I know how to call somebody a turtle's egg in Chinese.
+++
Damn, it gets lonely up here. 'S all dark and silent tonight, 'cept for Wash and Zoe up in their bunk, but I can't hear that for Serenity rumbling along beside me. I'm sitting in the engine room, 'cause Serenity'll always make me feel better after a nice dose of failure.
I can fix things. I can make Serenity feel better if she's having a rough day, I can invent parts that'll keep her going to the next planet for a pit stop. Hell, I can put together a working pod in under three hours, but I can't seem to stop being a disappointment when it matters. I couldn't do it today, that's for sure. I couldn't do nothing but stand there like a helpless little girl once the shooting started. My hands, hands that've worked on more engines than I've had birthdays, they just wouldn't stop shakin' and I couldn't stop thinking 'bout those poor men and how they'd die all shot up and alone in the black.
And I couldn't not think about why anyone would go and design a spaceship that way. The outside was good and round to minimize structural weakness, but the inside was all wrong. Why wouldn't someone make it round and smooth on the inside? Just one big long tunnel like the belly of a snake, not bumpy and irregular. Not angular and confusing like a rabbit warren, with lots of little corners where a man could bleed to death like an animal.
I just can't seem to get it right. I tried so hard, I played so brave, but I couldn't finish it off. Hell, River - crazy, fascinating River with that cute little smile - had to save me. She's even littler'n I am, but I still get stuck bein' the baby and I hate that. I hate it so much.
So I crawl up into Serenity, tucked in between the heart of the engine and the wall where it's nice and warm. Feels so cozy there, not bright and fake like the bunk I have, filled with coloured paper and little blue lights and stupid, feminine things like dresses and jewelery that I never really wanted in the first place. Never really wanted 'em 'cause I'm not like that. I can't be pretty, can't be ornamental, can't do nothing right when it comes to the important stuff.
"Hey."
I don't look at her, can't even look in spite of the fact that she saved my life three times over just now. She doesn't even care. Just squeezes in between me and the wall, wraps her tiny legs around my waist and I can't do nothin' but start to cry. Her arms sorta rest on my shoulders, hanging just near my neck. She knows what I'm thinkin', she always does. Might be 'cause I'm so easy to read, might be 'cause she knows me so well it don't matter how I'm acting. She just knows those kinds of things.
"No power in the 'verse can stop you, either."
Moist lips brush against the back of my neck just once and it makes me shiver all over, just like it always does. It's s'posed to make me feel better but I cry even harder, 'cause I don't deserve this. I don't deserve none of it, I couldn't even kill somebody when I knew they had the Cap'n. Hell, I knew he was missing his ear and I still couldn't do it.
"Can I tell you a secret?" she asks.
My mouth's touching her arm, and I move my lips "yes" on her skin.
"I wish I hadn't hit them."
I can't do nothin' but keep crying still, 'cause I'm useless like that. But she doesn't shut up, just keeps on rambling like I'm not even there. I think it's prolly one of the reasons I'm in love with her.
"They all had families, probability that nine orphans sitting in the cold right now are crying. . .too high, too high to be wrong, can't not miss because I know the angle my hand has to be, know that all I have to do is squeeze and I did, one two three times -"
She cuts off real sudden, and we're silent for a long while. I can feel her breathing, and it's makin' it harder for me to breathe and cry at the same time until I get the hiccups. Now we'll wake somebody, I know it.
"I knew what you were thinking, too." Her voice is sudden after all that silence, and my next hiccup comes out as a squeal. "You were thinking about structural integrity, what a waste of good materials it was to have all those nooks and crannies, for rats and little girls and soldiers to sleep in. "
"Yeah," I say, finally.
My voice is watery and about three octaves too high. It makes her giggle, just a little, and then I can't help but smile. Soon we're both giggling, even though nothing's really funny we just need the release so bad. So we laugh 'cause it's convenient, and we don't even notice how loud we're being until Inara's practically stepping on us. I stop laughing pretty fast.
I just know I'll mess this'un up too. She'll probably tell somebody like the Cap'n, and he'll tell Simon and he just think he needs to keep River so protected all the time. She hates that. I don't mind it, but I'm sure I will once he starts protectin' her so good that she never ever holds me like this again, and I implode into my own little puddle of suckitude.
But now I'm thinking I might not do so much imploding, at least not this week. 'Cause all she does is smile at us, and put a finger to her lips.
"Shh," she whispers. "You'll wake everybody."
And then she's gone. River gets up to leave, like she knows I'm gonna dismiss her and she's right 'cause that's usually the kind of thing I'd do. But I grab her arm with my teeth - gently - 'cause it's the closest thing I can reach, and she sits back down.
"It's okay," I tell her, and my voice is a little more sure of itself, " 's only Inara."
I'm not feeling so bad anymore, about not being able to do any of the killing. It took me a long while to get good at crime, so maybe this'll come with practice. Anyway, I don't think I'd want to have killed them if I could go and do it again. 'Cause I've learned from a whole lot of failure that I can really only get one thing right at a time, and I wouldn't want to do this thing wrong, too.