Hey guys! So, first off, I'm just gonna say that this Christmas fic will probably not be finished by Christmas, and if it is it will truly be a miracle. But it was just too much fun not to share.
This is set in the Far From Home Universe, prior to the two Ezra's switching places. Much like Far From Home itself, this is in a lot of ways Crack!Fic taken seriously, and is just a bit silly because of it. And of course there is spanking as that is a big component in this universe, though so far it's all off screen/mentioned.
Also, in case anybody missed it Rebuilding was updated on Saturday.
Merry Christmas and enjoy!
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There was a middle-aged Chris who was stuck in a safe house...
*.*.*.*.*.*
ATF Agent Larabee was bristling as the A.D came to the end of his spiel, back ramrod straight. If it were anyone but the director he'd tell them where to shove their precautions, but Chris knew that the man was already upset with him-and that he had a strap curled up in his desk drawer within easy reach. "Until we can be certain Zhan has been neutralized, the whole of Team 7 will be in protective custody, and I will not Agent Larabee, hear another protest. You made your bed, now you can lie in it."
Chris nodded his head jerkily, grinding out a, "Yes, sir," even though the expression on his face could have cut glass. His men had been working back to back cases for months now, they were exhausted and grating on each others last nerves. A few mistakes had been made, some careless, some just unfortunate-all of which he'd dealt with. That A.D Travis seemed to be blaming them for Zhan's vendetta, when it had been the damned FBI that let him get away...
Though when that idiot Lawry had tried to pinpoint that on Ezra, saying that Zhan must have been tipped off, the A.D had torn into him thoroughly. Not as much cussing as Chris would have used, but he'd made it clear that none of his agents would be used as scapegoats for someone else's mistakes.
Hadn't kept him from pointing out their mistakes once the 'Feeble Brained Imbeciles' had left, or warning that next time they pulled that kind of crap he'd deal with it himself.
"I know this is far from ideal," Chris glared, because 'far from ideal' was about the understatement of the century, "but try and make the best of it. You'll all be in the same safe house, at least you'll be together for Christmas."
"Yes, sir. It'll be a real holiday treat." The sarcasm fell nimbly off his tongue, and as Travis's eyes narrowed at him Chris realized he'd been spending too much time with Standish.
*.*.*.*.*.*
Chris stormed into the bullpen, ass stinging from the brief but memorable trip he'd taken over Travis's knee-his knee, and not his desk, and Chris would almost have rather had a strapping than that. Which was, he knew, probably exactly why he'd gotten a spanking instead. He stopped abruptly as his men looked up at him expectantly, the head of the security detail that was in charge of moving them to the safe house with a minimum of fuss nearly running into his back, and lowered his opinion of the man's competence accordingly. Things were sparse around the holidays, most people already out of town or at least off for the holiday, and this was what they'd gotten stuck with. Chris pursed his lips as he saw the mixture of hope and resignation staring back at him, and not wanting to drag this out, snapped, "Everybody get your go bags, on the double."
"You mean-?" Chris cut off JD's horrified exclamation.
"Yep. We're spending Christmas in a goddamned FBI safehouse." The air was filled with muttered complaints and curses, but they were being muttered while his men were getting their bags and, with a satisfied nod, Chris turned on his heel to go into his office and get his own go-bag.
Thank God it had enough room for the expensive fifth of jack he'd bought to share with the boys, because Chris was going to need it. Possibly all of it. Bag grabbed and addition added, Chris snatched up his heavy coat and his hat and stepped back out the door.
And into chaos. Ezra, who unlike the rest of them had been undercover in various guises for most of the last few months-nothing that kept him entirely out of contact, and it had only been the final two weeks of the last case that he hadn't been able to go home at the end of the day, but enough that it had him feeling a bit out of place with the rest of them-was dealing with it in his usual way, being a shit. He was fussing at Josiah about something, and judging from the way the older man's face was tightening he wasn't too far off from dealing with it in his usual way. Nathan interjecting himself in the argument wasn't helping-with the short string the profiler had been on lately Chris wouldn't be surprised if both men wound up with a few swats, for all Nathan thought he was helping Josiah. JD was stuffing wrapped gifts in his go bag, which would be fine, except that there was no way they were all going to fit, and Buck, who was telling him that, was being roundly ignored except for the occasional muttered, "Shut-up, Buck," and getting more and more exasperated by it, finally throwing his hands up in the air and shouting,
"Fine, when your bag splits open and your underwear goes everywhere don't come crying to me!"
Vin, of course, was perched on the edge of his desk, chuckling. Chris didn't know how, but he was certain the younger man had caused at least some of the commotion in here. He narrowed his eyes at him, but Vin just patted the bag that was sitting by his side, "I'm all ready t' go, cowboy."
"Good." Chris turned his attention back to the whole group, watching for another minute, then put his fingers to his lips, letting out a piercing whistle that his men knew meant 'drop it and listen, now'. Pleased when they wisely turned towards him and shut their mouths, Chris relaxed a little, "Everybody have their go bag and phone?" Five varied affirmatives and one almost. "Leave the presents, JD."
"But, Chris! They're Christmas presents." The kid was outright pleading with him, but Chris had to shake his head no, like it or not.
"You don't have room. Leave them." JD's face fell, but he nodded, turning to do just that. The tension that had been in the room traded itself in for a sense of melancholy, and the others started funneling towards the door, the idea of watching JD as he pulled each present out and set them back under his desk an unpleasant one. Chris stepped to the side to let them start filing out, planning to say something, though he didn't know what, to the upset young man. When Ezra, the last one out of the room paused long enough to whisper something that Chris deliberately tuned out(he'd swatted the undercover agent for eavesdropping more than once, wouldn't be smart to give him ammunition in that department), but had JD cocking his head to the side, contemplative, and then a little more cheerful than he had been, Chris sent him an approving look. Ezra merely smiled politely back, acting as though he had no idea what Chris was looking at him for, which was typical. Irritating, but typical.
"Hey Chris?" Chris made a noise of acknowledgment, turning his attention back to his youngest agent. "Do you think we'll still be able to get a tree?" From the expression on JD's face Chris's answer would either destroy or save his Christmas, and they had better be able to.
"We'll figure out something." Even if it was a gaudy plastic substitute-even if it was one of the ones spray painted gold or purple, something no self respecting fir or spruce would ever want, they'd get a tree.
"Thanks, Chris." JD ducked his head a little as he finally got his bag zipped and pulled it over his shoulder, Chris pretending he didn't see him scoop up his laptop bag as well-if the computer genius had that to distract him they'd all probably be a lot happier. "It's kinda stupid, but it just doesn't feel like Christmas without a tree."
"It ain't stupid. C'mon." Chris gestured for JD to move his butt, following after and flipping off the lights automatically.
Chris would make sure JD had his tree if he had to bribe whatever watchdog the FBI would have checking on them to go chop one down. Kid was right. It just wouldn't feel like Christmas without one.
*.*.*.*.*.*
Ezra purposefully allowed the disdain he felt for the man who was briefing them on how transportation was being carried out to show on his face. He was all for complicated plans when they were necessary, but really, was this amateur hour? Zhan had already attempted to have their noble leader taken out on his early morning coffee run, and was no idle threat. "So, the five vans leave, you gentlemen in one and decoys in the others, and split up in all different directions. If Zhan has any men watching they won't know which van you're in if they attempt to follow."
"We're seriously Harry Pottering it? That wasn't a joke?" JD said under his breath, voice disbelieving, Ezra having to work just a bit to keep his lips from twitching, "That got Mad-Eye and Hedwig killed you know!" Buck, the one whose ears JD was intending his words for, even though half the room could probably hear him, murmured for him to shut-up, and when he opened his mouth again tapped him lightly on the thigh as a warning, while the security coordinator-Quane? Quine? Whatever it was it sounded more like a grain than a name...Ezra wondered if he could get away with calling the man Agent Quinoa-attempted to look forbidding. He wasn't very good at it. Though, Ezra supposed after regular exposure to Mr. Larabee not many people would be impressive in that regard.
"If there aren't any questions, we can start loading up." It was clear that he was expecting none-overly complicated yes, but the plan was certainly not rocket science-but Ezra did so hate to live down to people's expectations.
"Can you repeat the precise number of vehicles being used in the operation?" he asked in his best 'apt pupil' tones, and immediately reaped the award of twin 'looks' from both Mr. Sanchez and Mr. Larabee, and an almost unheard groan from Mr. Jackson.
"Five, Agent Standish." The man's face expressed his annoyance with having to repeat something he'd already mentioned about ten times, but Ezra merely nodded solemnly.
"Thank you, Agent Quinoa."
"It's Quine!" The man thundered it out as the 'looks' transformed into glares and Ezra was glad he had JD on one side and Vin on the other or he had a feeling he would have received something a bit stronger than a warning tap. He supposed he'd had enough fun anyway, and would likely be wise to stop while he was ahead.
"Ah do apologize, Agent Quine. Ah must have misheard earliah." The man nodded his head in begrudging acceptance, opening his mouth to likely tell them all to start loading into the vehicle, when Vin, to Ezra's delight, raised his hand.
"Yes, Agent Tanner?" Chris's glare transferred from Ezra to Vin in anticipation.
"Yeah, ya said they wouldn't know which van to follow, but what if they pick the right one?" A logical question that would be difficult for Chris to find fault with, why hadn't Ezra thought of that?
"Your driver will, of course, still take evasive measures in order to lose any tail that tries to follow."
"Cool." The doubt in Vin's voice would have been obvious even without the raised eyebrows that accompanied it. Probably, like Ezra, he thought that that was already obvious, and had wondered if there were any further measures being taken beyond that.
"How long a drive is it gonna be?" JD asked, "Are we going to be stuck in that van for six hours or something? 'Cause Buck ate a burrito for lunch, and-"
"JD, I will end you, kid." Buck grumbled, his stomach letting out a loud gurgling noise after his last word, as though punctuating his sentence and certainly lending credence to JD's claims.
"I call a window seat!" JD announced.
"There's no calling seats, JD, it's first come, first serve, you know that." Nathan's voice held it's usual steady tone, with a strong hint of long suffering to it. Ezra wouldn't be at all surprised if Nathan was regretting that rule himself, the medic with his long legs definitely preferred the front seat, and probably preferred to be far away from all of them at the moment.
"But-"
"Alright, enough!" Chris snapped it out, voice loud and deadly, "I know we're all already going stir crazy from being stuck in the office or the surveillance van, but guess what? It ain't over, so suck it up or it ain't Zhan you're gonna have to worry about killing you!" There was a moment of surprised silence, and then Chris pointed towards the van that had been designated theirs, clearly expecting them to march. Buck, no fool for all his clowning, headed that way immediately, only taking the time to snag JD by the arm and pull him along with him, scolding quietly as he went.
"Jeez, ya don't mutter under your breath during a briefing kid, ain't I taught you nothing? You wait until they can't hear ya to complain!" Ezra hurried after them, having seen Josiah stepping his way with purpose in his movements, but had only gotten a few feet when a large hand clamped down on his shoulder, halting his progress. Reluctantly, he turned back to face the profiler, making sure his face was simply curious as he did so. Not that Josiah would be fooled, but that wasn't the point.
"Quinoa, Ezra? A little petty, don't you think?"
Wincing a little at the profiler's unhappy expression, Ezra said quietly, "An unfortunate slip of the tongue-which, if you recall, Ah apologized for."
"A slip, huh?" Ezra was torn a little here on whether to continue with his denial or acknowledge that the jab had been intentional-Josiah wouldn't believe his denial, unfortunately, but there were still pros and cons to each option. "It's not Agent Quine's fault we're stuck in protective custody over Christmas."
Stung, Ezra pulled back, slipping his shoulder out of Josiah's hold, "It isn't mine eithah." Josiah immediately reclaimed his shoulder and gave it a quick shake.
"When did I say it was?" Ezra said nothing, not sure what to say, and not about to blurt anything out after his disaster of a previous sentence, but that wasn't good enough for Josiah, who gave his shoulder another little shake, "No one on the team has that said that, or thinks it, Ezra. You forget about that imbecile Lawry, you hear me?"
Deciding that the only way out of this without further humiliation was to give in quickly, Ezra murmured, trying to sound suitably contrite, "Ah suppose Ah should know better by now."
"Yes, son. You should. You should also," Josiah's voice grew sterner, and Ezra wished for Chris, who was standing outside the van impatiently, to shout for them, but knew he wouldn't, "know better than to tease someone because you're in a bad mood." That made him sound like a bratty twelve year old, and while Ezra supposed it wasn't entirely inaccurate, he couldn't exactly help it if the man's name was made for the joke.
Perhaps it would have been better saved for the privacy of his teammates ears, however.
"Ezra?" Josiah was furrowing his brow at him, and then, proving that Christmas truly was a time for miracles, Chris shouted out,
"Time's up!"
And then, possibly because Santa did know who was naughty or nice, he added, "Swat him already!"
A minute later, as Ezra shifted into the one open spot left, the middle seat in-between Josiah and Nathan, he wished sincerely that Mr. Sanchez had not been quite so enthusiastic in following their superior's orders.
*.*.*.*.*.*
J.D. was bored. Buck had fallen asleep an hour into their drive, head tilted back over the seat and his breathing punctuated by the occasional loud snore, or, nearly as often, a noise from his other end, and so he was no help. At least the window was the kind you could push out a little for air, though it didn't roll down. It didn't help that Vin had stuck his head phones on a while ago, and was looking out the window. JD had done that for awhile too, but the third time he'd started singing along-quietly!-Ezra had threatened to crimp his vocal cords with them. Josiah had growled at him, but he'd also told JD that the point of the headphones was that you could listen without other people having too. And then Nathan had muttered something about having a headache, and JD kinda thought his singing wasn't that bad, but figured he'd lose the headphones if he kept listening, and there was no way that was happening.
His laptop was too big to pull out in the cramped van, and anyway it was in the back and so was the book he had in his go bag, and he'd already played about fifty games of fruit ninja on his phone. Between that and listening to music the battery was already half gone anyway, and JD didn't want it to die. He'd taken care of texting Casey and letting her know he wouldn't be around for Christmas before they ever left the office, and she hadn't texted back yet and he was worried she was mad at him and wouldn't. She'd really been excited about them doing couple stuff this Christmas, they were supposed to go ice fishing tomorrow and Casey wanted them to get their pictures taken, which had kinda freaked JD out, because getting pictures taken together was like a serious couple thing.
Only, now that they weren't doing it, JD didn't think it sounded so bad...
He sighed and slumped in his seat, then kicked his foot frustratedly, it reverberating off the bench seat in front of him satisfyingly. He was tempted to do it again, but he wasn't that stupid and settled for scuffing his heels on the ground, and then letting out another long sigh. He wanted to ask how long it was until they got there, they'd been driving for nearly three hours now, and JD had never actually gotten an answer when he'd asked earlier-what if they really were stuck in the car for another three hours? His brain would melt out his ears, that was what.
Buck shifted in his sleep, the leg he'd crossed thumping hard against the middle seat and making Ezra jump in surprise as it fell to the floor. JD couldn't quite hide his snicker, and Ezra turned slowly in his seat and glared at him, "You are being extraordinarily childish, and it is not nearly as charming as you think, John Daniel."
JD gaped at him in surprise, then glared. "I didn't kick your seat, it was Buck!"
Ezra gave him a look of utter disbelief, "Mr. Wilmington is sleeping, the man is snoring as we speak."
"Yeah, some people kick in their sleep!" JD answered, indignantly.
"A man who has a bed partner as regularly as Buck is not likely to have that unfortunate trait." His teammate was still looking at him like he'd told him he had a smurf living in his pocket or something, and sure, he'd kicked the seat the first time, but he really hadn't this time.
"JD, just stop kicking the seat," Nathan broke in, looking over his shoulder, "It's not worth you two getting all excited about it, not when we're stuck in here for who knows how much longer. It's rude, anyway." Ezra smirked at him triumphantly and JD crossed his arms across his chest.
"But I didn't do it!"
Nathan raised an eyebrow at him, "And I suppose it wasn't you the first time either?" Hesitating, JD bit his lip and then had to shake his head.
"No, it was...but just the first time."
"Likely story," Ezra muttered, starting to turn forward again, and annoyed that he still didn't believe him, JD did kick the seat behind Ezra, though lower, as from where he was sitting he couldn't actually reach the high spot where Buck's foot had landed. "Hey!"
"JD, I saw you kick it that time," Nathan said, rolling his eyes at him.
"Figured if you weren't going to believe me anyway, I might as well." Ezra glared at him, and then, hands moving quickly, flicked one of the cards he'd been shuffling at JD's face, the edge smacking him right in the nose before he could move a hand to block it.
"Hey, knock it off, you jerk!" It hadn't actually hurt of course, but having something come flying at your face unexpectedly wasn't much fun. Ezra's response was to flick another card at him, though since he was expecting it JD was able to bat it away easily. He'd just pulled back his foot and thumped the seat again when Josiah's hand moved, stopping Ezra from continuing to use his cards like throwing stars by closing around it and pushing it down towards his lap. As the large man slowly turned in his seat, shifting so he could look at each of them in turn, JD really wished he'd held back that last thump.
"Should've known better than to think I could meditate in here...boys, if I have to have the driver pull over neither of you are going to be happy."
"Mr. Sanchez-" "Josiah-"
"No blaming, just the both of you stopping. Now."
"Okay, Josiah." JD muttered with a sigh, still annoyed at the whole being blamed for Buck flailing in his sleep thing, but figuring he'd kicked the seat enough himself he couldn't really claim innocence anymore.
Ezra, always more long winded, said, "As Mr. Dunne has agreed to a ceasefire, Ah suppose Ah should be equally agreeable," with his best charming smile, the one that the whole team knew meant if he wasn't up to something then, he had been, and Josiah's mouth stayed a little tight, obviously not sold on their sincerity, his head shaking, as he rumbled,
"Good. I'm going to hold you two to that." He released Ezra's hand with one more look at both of them, turning forward in his seat.
"Mr. Dunne, might Ah trouble you for mah playing cards back?" JD made a face at Ezra, but reached down for the cards that had wound up by his sneakers, handing them back.
A second later everybody was being as boring as they had been a minute ago, Buck still snoring and Vin still looking out the window, Ezra shuffling his cards continually, Nathan reading a book he must have pulled out of his go-bag when they were loading up, and he was pretty sure Josiah was actually trying to meditate in the moving vehicle. Sometimes the profiler was seriously weird. He wasn't sure what Chris was doing up in the front, not since he'd threatened to break the Chipmunks CD the driver had started playing before it had gotten halfway through 'Christmastime is here' (Josiah had given Chris the eye for that, but Chris had just ignored him. JD wished he could get away with that.), but it was probably boring too.
Slumping down in his seat again, JD let out another long sigh as he looked out the window at the darkening sky. They were never going to get there. They were stuck in a time loop, and they'd just keep going, driving and driving and driving...
Hey, they were turning off the curvy road they'd been driving on and onto a gravel road-jeez, this safe house was really in the middle of nowhere, wasn't it? JD sat up in his seat looking forward along the road for a house or houses to appear. If they'd been in the city the safe house would have been a cookie-cutter house, something bland and identical to everything around it, but he didn't have a clue what to expect way out here. They passed a couple of cabins, but nothing that could be big enough for them. Then they turned down another road, and the houses got bigger, and a little closer together, though there was still a good quarter of a mile between them. When they did turn into a driveway it was getting so dark it was hard to see the house, but it looked like an old lodge, and as they got closer and the head lights hit the building JD could see that there where real logs making up the outside, and there was snow all over everything, and it didn't look so bad. In fact, it kind of looked exactly like the sort of house people in movies would spend Christmas in.
*.*.*.*.*.*
Vin looked around the attic room, nodding in approval as he walked over and tossed his bag on one of the twin beds. The sloping eaves might mean you had to duck your head if you were close to the walls, but it was a cheerful, well-lit room, and probably bigger than the bedrooms downstairs, even if it was a little dusty.
"Hey, do you feel a little like Kevin from Home Alone up here? I sure do. We're the youngest so they send us all the way up here." JD tossed his own bag down on the bed across from Vin's and walked over to a door that stood on the back wall, inbetween the heads of the beds, yanking it open to reveal an empty closet. "Dang, I was hoping that was a bathroom. We're gonna have to go all the way down the stairs every time we gotta take a piss."
Rolling his eyes, Vin didn't bother to respond to JD's chatter as he flopped onto the slightly stale sheets, shifting around until he was comfortable and propping his head up on his hand as he continued looking around the room. He'd slept on a lot worse, and the mattress was comfy enough. "I always thought the mom was kind of mean in that-I mean Kevin was acting like a brat sure, but so was his big brother, and he was the only one who got in trouble."
"It's 'cause he was loud an' obnoxious. Like ya." Vin tossed a teasing grin at JD, so he'd know it was just a joke-mostly-and the younger man rolled his eyes at him.
"And his brother got away with it, 'cause he was sneaky like you."
"Yep. But I'm nicer."
Plopping down on his bed, JD gave Vin a studying look, though his quirking lip gave away that he wasn't actually as serious as he was pretending, "Well, most of the time." Vin grabbed his pillow and flung it at him, the sharpshooter scoring a dead hit right across his teammate's face.
"Hey!"
With a chuckle Vin caught the pillow as it came flying back his way, stuffing it under his head and letting himself fall back flat on the bed and turning his head so he could see JD, "Yep, ye're as whiny as Kevin, alright. Don't worry though, ye're so loud we'd know in two seconds if ya were left behind."
"Shut-up." JD grumbled, before turning to dig in his go-bag for something. Vin smiled when he saw it was a small docking station with speakers for the ipod the kid pulled out of his go-bag next.
"Ain't ya got enough music on that laptop of yours?"
"It's all on my onedrive, and to get that I have to get on the internet, and this place has no internet, I checked like two seconds after I got out of the car. I'll hack into a hotspot app later and we'll have internet up here at least, don't worry about that."
Quirking an eyebrow, Vin said, "That's fancy." He wasn't much into watching TV on his phone or anything like that, but it would probably make this all a lot less painful if the kid had internet.
"More like necessary, do you know how long it's been since I've had a chance to run a legendary, or even log into WOW for more than twenty minutes?" JD had finished setting up the ipod and docking station as he was talking, and as the sounds of Third Eye Blind's Jumper started floating around the room Vin snorted.
"Nerd."