Disclaimer: I don't own Tokyo Ghoul.
Warning: Spoilers for the end of the manga.
Notes: For lj's challenge community, Sacred_20. Table 1, prompt 16: exodus.
So, my first English fic, my first TG fic, I'm kind of nervous! Please, leave me a feedback if you read this! Hope you'll like it. =) Cross-posted on ao3.
Special thanks to amariys for the beta-reading!
"There's a poem I've been reciting within my mind.
I've been thinking about it countless times.
I suppose it's been with me since yesterday.
I always love reciting it to myself.
Now why can't I keep it with me forever?
Why must I bid farewell to the people I come across?
Why must my heart mourn each time?
Why must the seasons pass?
Why must I lose everything?
Why must my loneliness gather around me like snow?"
(Tooma no Shinzou)
Promised Land
There was a place which her father was looking for.
From what Touka'd remembered, it had started since her mother was no longer among them. Each time, it was a small apartment, too small for an adult and two children, and Arata would said to them, always with a smile, "this is our new home." Moving, again and again, when it was too dangerous to remain in one location.
It was hard. But sometimes, she thought they had found what her father was seeking, on the occasions when he'd read stories to her and Ayato by the night, at the food he'd prepared and shared with their neighbors, and even in the apartment that, though small, could bring a tight comfort when they were cozy, close to each other. At such times, her father's smile wasn't sad.
But one day, her father never returned home. On that day, she felt more fear than when her mother didn't come back. On that day, she thought she would die; on that day, she thought she would lose Ayato too.
For the first time, she felt the effects of humans's hatred against ghouls. For the first time, she used her kagune.
And she killed, for the first time.
On that day, she and Ayato lost everything.
( ...for the first time)
-x-
There was a place she was looking for, since her father was gone.
As if she had taken her father's journey to herself, Touka had searched for it. She wanted to live. She wanted to find a place where they both – she and Ayato – could live in peace.
This place seemed to come in the form of an old man. She knew he was old, not only by the wrinkles on his face or the gray hair, but also from his eyes that seemed to have seen too much.
That was the look of Yoshimura. And Touka knew this because she was forced to grow faster, in a more cruel way than she should have to.
He found them in a forgotten alley on the 20th ward. His eyes passed over the two cardboard boxes, large enough to shelter a person in it, and some blankets covering it inside. There was a dumpster next door, which would obstruct the view of the boxes, if you looked at the left side of that alley.
"Yomo-kun had told me two little ghouls were causing conflict in the district... so it was you," he said thoughtfully, as if talking to himself.
Touka rose, holding her head high, Ayato behind her, kakugan already at sight. There was a certain pride in their attitude. Life was easier as long as they lived like those - human or ghouls - living on the street, and from whom everybody would look away. They didn't felt sorry for themselves or felt inferior before that man; they were strong and survivors, and they were proud of it.
"...Huh? And you have a problem with that, old man?" She said, taking a step forward.
"Let's get rid of that garbage, Aneki."
Yoshimura just smiled, and the two were caught off guard.
"Well, well, you two are so lively," and he laughed, that old man. "But I didn't come to harm you. I have a coffee shop, Anteiku, here in this ward... We help other ghouls. Don't you want to come with me?"
His eyes were closed, but, somehow, they seemed to smile.
What a weird old man, was all Touka could think that time.
-x-
The old Yoshimura provided them with shelter, a modest apartment in which the sibilings could live. Still, it was bigger than any apartment that they had ever lived in. Due to the manager's suggestion, later, Touka had started to go to school, and she'd worked at Anteiku. Irimi, Koma and Yomo, who worked with Yoshimura, were very kind. She felt safe. She'd take a deep breath and feel the smell of ground beans and roasted coffee, letting it invade her lungs.
There were things that Touka, even without fully understanding, let it be, let it feel and do. Like the time when the old manager had said, in an enigmatic way, that he liked humans, and Touka learned to deal with these due to work in the shop. Like the way she remembered her father's teachings, and she ate humans's food, and not just by the appearances. Like how she came to love Yoriko without realizing it, her first, her only friend, although she was human.
But there was still pain. There was anger against the doves, the fear of being discovered, of one day being dead, that those she loved would be taken away from her again.
And Ayato vomited that hatred, that disgust, that revolt on her, without knowing that those feelings were part of her as well - and it was with an absurd violence that his words could hurt her, something she never thought was possible.
"Are you an idiot, Aneki? Didn't you learn anything from the stupid father of ours? Humans will kill you as soon as you're discovered, as soon as you make a single mistake. You will die just like that idiot addicted in peace. "
One day, simply, he didn't come home.
Ayato was gone. Without saying goodbye, without saying where he was going to. Without leaving even a single note.
Yomo reassured her when he gathered information that Ayato was alive, and he was probably the ghoul causing problems in the 14th ward.
She breathed relieved, and then she felt like crying. She knew better than to go after her idiot brother. She slept curled up in her bed, the alliance that once had belonged to her parents pressed against her chest.
Ayato was all the family she had left.
And now she was alone.
Suddenly, that apartment, made for two people to occupy, seemed very oppressive.
She no longer could feel at home.
-x-
But time passed.
There was Irimi and talks about a student's normal life that the older hadn't had.
There were Koma and the things he'd said, that she never would take seriously, and that always drew a restrained laugh from her.
There were Yomo and his silent support, like foundations of a house.
There was Hinami and her innocence, and her too gentle nature for the world, and, truth be told, Touka felt like she had gained a little sister when she'd met her.
There were Nishiki and his foul mouth, and a path that until then she had not dared to hope for.
There were the manager and his ideals, and also a cup of coffee – because, sometimes, little things were the big things.
There were Yoriko and her awful food, that filled her chest, and that brought to her what was more human in her.
There were holes in her heart in the shape of her parents and Ayato, which were sometimes filled with hatred for the doves, sometimes with a loneliness that ravaged her soul.
There were Kaneki, the idiot with an always easy, always kind smile, and his moon eyes. And his ability to turn doodles into words and meanings and comfort to Hinami. And his lack of physical strength and his willingness to help others, which gave her more strength than he could imagine. And his ability to transform that apartment in a house again, so many times he visited her. And the way he built a house inside of her.
Leaning on the wall, she looked at the piece of sky that her bedroom window allowed her to see.
Did I finally found it?, she wondered.
A place where she belonged, a place where one waited for her, a place where she waited;
a home.
-x-
When she felt her wings being torn apart by her own brother, blood draining away for blood, it came to her, before her eyes, not the whole story of her life, but a succession of losses (and she wondered, deep inside, if it wouldn't be the same thing): her mother's death, her father's disappearance, Ayato's abandonment, Ryouko-san's murder, Kaneki's kidnapping, and she could do nothing, nothing, nothing-
"Don't leave me alone," were the words that came from her mouth, with a voice so low that didn't sound like hers. A plea, a last request, that Ayato wouldn't listen, that no one would listen, because no one could save her. Because everyone always broke from her and broke her too-
"I won't."
Arms that protected her, white hair, black nails. He was so different, but there was the moon eyes, which she would recognize anywhere.
He apologized to her, and that hurt her more than anything. He shouldn't have to apologize, because it was she who couldn't save him; because he was the only one who was gone and came back, came back to her-
But Kaneki, she called his name inside her head, her chest bursting with pain, her vision darkening, what did they do to you?
-x-
"Goodbye, Touka-chan."
He said so many things, not directly, but she knew what he meant - a future.
She knew that the promise he had made to her didn't mean he would be with her.
He was stupid, he was kind; he wouldn't let her go with him.
It was the first time someone who left her said goodbye to her.
-x-
Again, lying on her bed, she held tightly her parents's ring in her hands. As if that gesture could bring some comfort from the days when she didn't know anything.
She wondered if there was any ghoul who lived without losing something or someone.
She wondered what or who else she would lose.
-x-
She waited for him.
Even after saying to him not to come back to Anteiku, even after punching him in the face, even after asking him why did he have to change.
She waited for him.
-x-
"CCG is restricting the access..."
Why why why why why why wh-
"Currently a huge skirmish is going on in the ward..."
Why why why why why why why-
Neither the manager nor Irimi nor Koma-
Nobody said anything to her.
Again.
Why why why why why why why why-
She was going to lose important people to her, she was going to lose her home-
Again.
Why why why why why why why why why-
She needed to go, she needed to save them-
This time, it was Yomo who stopped her.
"This is Anteiku's last job, Touka."
-x-
Debris, blood and corpses.
There was nothing left of Anteiku.
But her eyes were still searching, and perhaps it was the inertia of not knowing what else to do, or maybe that was only despair. Her eyes sought and sought – looking for a familiar face, a miracle, an answer-
(and perhaps that was the only thing that has managed to keep the silent howl of pain in her throat, the tears in the corner of her eyes, her ghosts inside her chest, her feet on the ground)
Nishiki got in touch with them, warning that Kaneki went out to the battlefield to save the manager, Irimi and Koma, and hadn't returned so far.
She whispered to herself why he wasn't there. Mentally, she retraced the paths he could go through, the paths that would lead him back to Anteiku, back to her; and she believed in him, she knew that he would return.
He returned once; he would return again.
She needed to believe it, or-
"Yomo-san ..."
...That place. The smell of coffee. Koma's horrible ties. Irimi's discreet laughter. The manager's serenity. Kaneki's smile.
Thinking of those faces and those memories broke her.
That's how you feel when the world ends, she recalled.
Everyone...
"Why do we have to lose everything?"
The question she never wanted to have said; the reason for her journey.
Moments of silence stretched up between the two of them, heavy with mourning.
"It's better to lose than never to have had,"¹ he replied, his voice deep, coming from very inside. Yomo was someone reserved, however Touka still could feel the pain and the longing in his voice, as if years of loss weighed on his shoulders.
And those words reflected the truth also, she knew.
If "home" was someone, she could be the one place he'd come back to.
And if it wasn't someone, they could search for it, together.
And if it wasn't anywhere in this world, they could build it.
It was the second time she had lost everything.
Even so, without knowing why, she had faith in him. And after everything, the loss and guilt, and knowing that she shouldn't – she still had the will to live.
She cried silently, tears falling without resistance. It was a clear and desolate day, and so, so beautiful. Yomo laced his fingers through hers, and, together, they started to walk again.
¹from "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close", by Jonathan Safran Foer.