What the hell is this, man?
Lee Sungmin, you so better not do that again on national television. That stuff is meant for my room, and my room only.
Okay, yeah. I'm deluded. And a sucker for him. So sue me.
I'm Yesung, by the way. Also known as Kim Jongwoon. In case you cared.
But seriously. It should be a criminal offence for him to dress up in a wig and makeup and shake those damn hips, because it makes it so difficult for me to hold it in and not kiss the television screen senseless. Come on, just look at those eyes that scream 'KISS ME'. And I'm making this PG-13 here, but you know what else those eyes say. Sheesh.
I think he's doing this on purpose or something. Like, just in case I didn't get the fact that he's freaking cute and amazing and sweet, he goes all seductive on me. As if I need convincing that he's the most perfect person around. Like now. See what he's doing with those hips –
Shit. What is your problem, cameraman? Yeah, I get the point, Heesica is pretty, okay? She's not using a wig, whatever. Like I give a damn. Can I have my Sungmin back now?
Okay, I cannot believe I sat through five minutes of watching guys shaking their hips to see the song end with Heesica. NO. Get out of the bloody way, the song's ending already! I need my Sungmin fix now!!!
Oh, wait. Sungmin's a guy. I mean, you know. Guys not even pretty.
Oh. Oh. Okay. I think I just.
"Yesung-hyung? What are you doing with the television? Is it spoilt or something? But… why are your lips so close to the screen?"
SHIT.
I turned around to see Ryeowook staring at me all weirdly. I sprang away from the television, which, thank god, wasn't focused on Sungmin like it was two seconds ago, where the guy was in a position that brought new fantasies to my limitless imagination.
Yeah. I think we've already established that I'm a sucker for the guy. Shut up about it already.
"Uh… the screen, you know? It was kind of, er, blur, or something. I was trying to, you know? Wipe it." And before Ryeowook could comprehend that lameass answer, I shot off into my room. Close shave.
After I calmed myself down enough to think rationally about this – and rational is a mean feat, because I can't think rationally about anything regarding Sungmin, okay? – I am pleased to announce that I have decided, this has got to stop!
Come on, Kim Jongwoon. Be a man and tell him! What else could he say?
Hyung, you're crazy. Hyung, I don't like you! Hyung, I'm not gay. Hyung –
OKAY, I get the point already. There are a lot of things he could say. But I can't do this anymore. It's killing me. It's easy, right? Just go up to the guy and say I like you!
Why is even my pet turtle doubtful of my abilities? Come on, Ddangkkoma, I feed you and clothe you – scratch that. I feed you and take care of you, you know. The least you could do is to say Hwaiting, Jongwoon!
Did I just get ignored by a turtle?
Yes. Come on, Jongwoon. You can do this. It's just a damn pumpkin.
"AAARRRRGHHH. I CAN'T DO THIS!"
Sorry about that outburst. But seriously. Who knew digging out seeds from a pumpkin was so hard? They keep flying everywhere and shit –
Yeah. That one got into my eye. Okay, someone remind me why I'm putting myself through this torture again?
Because it's SUNGMINNIE's birthday, and you want to make his favourite pumpkin pie for him.
Okay, who asked you, smartass? Shut up and be my brain quietly.
Sooooo. Let's see. It's flour, butter and eggs. That sounds easy. Just knead the mixture till you get dough. Right. Here goes…
Nothing. Somehow I have ended up kneading this… this unidentified substance that looks more like cement. Damn. I'm never going to succeed like this. Okay, Yesung, time for some of your brilliance.
Ah! There it is. The blender. It's the same, right? Kneading and mixing. I just have to make it come out as dough. Okay, that sounds good. So, flour, butter and eggs, in you go.
Shiiiiiiiiiit. Why does the flour keep disappearing into the blender? And the butter? Where the crap has it gone? And why does nothing come out even though I've added… er. Thrice the amount of flour and butter and damn eggs the recipe called for?
Okay. Maybe I should just switch to making the filling first, yeah? That sounds more promising. Okay. It's mashed pumpkin and butter and sugar. That sounds easy. Put them all into a pot and heat till butter melts. I can do that.
Right. I can work on the dough while I wait for the butter to melt. Hmmmmm. Ah, maybe you're not supposed to beat the eggs. And round three of Yesung's dough-making…
Is shot. This turns out to be… I don't know. Puke? Or maybe it looks more like snot. Aaaarrrrggggghhh. Never mind. Let's check out the filling. That should be perfect, I don't think anyone can screw that up, eh?
Except, it seems, me. Why the hell has it turned black? Is it supposed to do that? And… I can't even stir it now. It became tar. Or something.
Now I can't even give him the filling and say it's… pumpkin essence or whatever.
"DAMN IT!"
And… I just burned my finger. Go on, add that to the Yesung's Fails list. How long is it, now?
"Hyung, what's wrong?"
I blinked at this person who was capable of rendering me speechless in milliseconds. Why am I turning into my turtle?
Then he smiles, and it takes almost all of my willpower not to melt into a runny mess on the kitchen floor.
"Hyung, you've got flour all over you!"
Please, voice, come back. NOW. I need you.
Sungmin walks over and brushes flour out of my hair. And off my nose.
Oh my god. He helped me brush flour off my face. He HELPED ME BRUSH FLOUR OFF MY FACE!! Hah, see? I'm not that much of a fail.
Shit. Can he look any cuter when he's confused?
"Hyung, what are you doing? What's this stuff in the pot… and in that mixing bowl?"
God, I thank you for finally giving my voice back to me at this point, so I can at least make some noises, however incoherent they are.
"Errrrr… you know. It's… stuff. Huh. Stuff that I was making…"
"Hyung, were you trying to make a cake, or something?"
Shit. He's a genius! How did he figure that out with the puke and tar I made?
Oh. Right. The flour and sugar and butter's on the counter.
"Errr. Yeah. Because it's… your birthday, right? So I was trying to make… a pumpkin pie for you. But I think it's evident I don't have any cooking skills to speak of."
He smiles, coming over to hug me and oh my god, I think I'm in heaven.
"Awww, hyung, that is so sweet! I'd eat anything you make!" He smiles at me, then asks, "So how come you screamed just now?"
Yesssss, this is it! Gotta put this chance to good use, Jongwoon. Hwaiting!
"Oh… er. Nah. I just kind of burned myself."
"Oh, hyung! How is it! Oh no, I feel so bad. Come on, put it under cold water! I'll go get the burn salve!" He skips out, and it is all fireworks and cheers exploding in my heart. You go, boy!
He runs back and tenderly applies salve, and all I can say is, I'd burn my entire body for this. Especially, you know, some of the more private –
"Sungmin-ah! Come on out, we're waiting for you!" Donghae skips into the kitchen.
SHIT.
Okay, WHY must this happen? I swear, I am ready to wring the neck of that idiot fish.
Sungmin turns to me and flashes that radiant smile again, and somehow the blueprints for Secretly Murdering Donghae In The Night dissipate and are replaced with flowery, pastel-coloured fluff.
"Hyung, come on! They've got a cake for me to celebrate!"
And it isn't until the song is over and I've had some cake that I realize, not only did I not manage to bake Sungmin a pie, I also did not manage to tell him that I am head over heels in love with him.
Hello world, this is Yesung the Fail signing off.
Oh-kays. Today's the day. I need to stop this nonsense and be a MAN.
Today is definitely the day when Lee Sungmin becomes mine. Muahahahaha.
Soooo. I need a plan. Let's see.
I waltz into his room, singing his favourite love song. Nah. That's cheesy.
I waltz into his room with roses, then I get down on one knee. Nooooo. That's cheesier.
I waltz into his room, asking if he… wants ramen? Hmm. Nope. If he says yes I'll have to go to the kitchen. Gotta keep it to his room, away from all the annoying fish and monkeys I happen to share a dorm floor with.
Okay. I waltz into his room and kiss him on the lips. Then I say "I like you, Sungmin". Then he swoons and falls into my arms and then I kiss him senseless. And go on to do other stuff that are none of your business. Yeah. That sounds good.
Okay, Yesung. You can do it. Hwai – nonono. Can't say that again. Everytime I say that I ALWAYS fail.
And… here goes.
I waltz into his room, where he is sitting on the bed with his guitar.
Damn. Why must he play his guitar now? I honestly cannot think much, let alone say much, when he's playing guitar. And he looks up in surprise, looking cuter than ever. Sheeesh.
"Hyung?"
"Errrr. Hi."
I kick myself silently. Could you be any MORE incoherent, Kim Jongwoon?
"Err. You know… I have something to tell you."
"Yes?" He looks at me and all my words turn into mush.
"Um, youknowIlikeyouI'-Imeanmyboyfriend?"
His brow furrows, and all I can say is, I've never seen anything cuter. Except for when he's smiling. Or confused. Or playing guitar. Or… okay. Being himself. I know I'm a sucker, okay?
"What? Hyung, I couldn't catch anything you said."
He puts down his guitar and stands up.
Shit shit shit. What do I do now? This is not what was supposed to happen! He was supposed to swoon! And kiss me! Shit. I need to do something. Now!
"I said, are you gonna be my girl!"
CRAP. I have no idea who said that, okay? Because it definitely wasn't me. I did not just say that in front of Sungminnie.
"Hyung… I'm not a girl."
Okay. I need a hole to open up and swallow me. NOW.
Except… there aren't any holes in Sungmin's room.
"Errrr. I – I don't know what – what I said. Never mind. Just… er. Forget it. It's nothing. I'm – "
"God, Yesung-hyung. Just come over and kiss me already."
Wait. What? That was Sungminnie-in-my-dreams speaking. Not Sungminnie-the-actual-person, right? Because no way he could like a fail like me.
"Hyung. You think really loudly, did you know that? But yes way I could like a fail like you."
He walks over and plants his lips on mine.
Oh. Ohhhh. Yessss. This is going according to plan. Now for the other stuff…