Yesung isn't sure what he feels nowadays, really, because his core just feels like mist. But of course, maybe there's nothing for him to feel. He smiles, but not because he's happy, and he cries, but not because he's sad. Sungmin says it's numbness, but somehow to Yesung that sounds like the pain is bearable. But it's there, more than ever. He knows the bubble of oxygen he has left is ebbing away, till one day he is sure he will asphyxiate. But it doesn't matter. He has already forgotten what it's like to hurt, because the pain fills him, every minute of the day.
Yesung is weird; everyone knows that. But he tries. He treats everyone with sincerity, but more often than not they don't understand that Yesung's fails and quirks are just what make Yesung. So he knew he'd got it bad when he found someone who truly made him feel like he was comfortable. Like himself. Like Yesung.
When they'd gotten the news that they were rooming together, it was probably trepidation Yesung felt. He was more than sure that that person would be turned off, or demanding to switch rooms after a month. Because he is Yesung, and Yesung is weird. So when Ryeowook came in and settled his stuff around Yesung's trinkets, he waited for a caustic comment. But it didn't come.
And it had been five months since, that Yesung questioned himself. He would go sleepless for a week, because Ryeowook was composing a song and Yesung – well, he wasn't tired. He would come home right after his schedules, because Ryeowook was cooking and Yesung – well, he loves good food. He would clench his fist in fury when one of the other members were teasing Ryeowook, because Ryeowook would laugh in shyness and Yesung – well, he just feels unjust for Ryeowook. And he would cry when Ryeowook cries, because Ryeowook was sad and Yesung – well, he's Ryeowook's good friend. But no amount of convincing could erase that bold truth that Yesung knew; Yesung just wanted to be there for Ryeowook, he just wanted to reassure Ryeowook his cooking skills were amazing, he just wanted Ryeowook's damn laugh to himself, and damnit, he loves Ryeowook.
No, it wasn't of any doubt. He knew; he knew he did. But he doesn't know what he should do with this. He wonders why he is in love with a man. And he answers himself, because this man is beyond amazing. He wonders why he is in love with Ryeowook. And he answers himself, this time without hesitation, because Ryeowook, is Ryeowook. But these words get lost in his throat and run away into his heart when he sees Ryeowook, and he tells himself he is content with being Ryeowook's friend.
But no amount of convincing can erase the truth that Yesung knew; Yesung didn't have the damn courage to tell Ryeowook.
He wasn't sure what he was afraid of. Was it that the world would look at him differently? He was already weird, come on. Or was it that he just didn't want to subject lovable, amazing Ryeowook to the jaundiced eyes of the world? Or was he just a big fat coward? Sungmin says it's because Yesung's afraid of the truth, and Yesung is forced to admit, when he is alone staring at the moon and thinking of Ryeowook, that that might just be it.
Fourteen months after they had to room together, Ryeowook goes on a music show with Yesung. Ryeowook settles himself at the piano, then smiles at the audience.
"This song is dedicated to one of my favourite people in the world, Yesung-hyung."
The crowd cheers, and Ryeowook closes his eyes, mumbling something. And though Yesung's ears have gone numb with the shock of hearing those words Ryeowook said into the microphone, and he hears only deafening silence, his heart twitches and he finds something tugging at his heartstrings. Ryeowook starts to play, and as Yesung listens to the beautiful melody pour into his ears and Ryeowook's voice fill his core, it becomes clear what Ryeowook mumbled. He didn't think he'd heard anything more beautiful, more pure and more poignant in his life than what Ryeowook had told his heart. And this leaked out the corner of his eye, but he wipes it away, because he will not cry, for Ryeowook.
When Ryeowook comes backstage, Yesung hugs him like there is no tomorrow, and whispers the exact same words back. And Yesung knows his heart is now complete.
And yet, it seemed that the cowardice that once filled Yesung is still here. He doesn't know what it is, but he knows he isn't ready for this. He doesn't know what to feel when Ryeowook reciprocates his care with kisses and hugs, or what to do when Donghae and Kangin tease him about it. And he just keeps asking himself, what they were. It slipped out once when they were snuggled together on the couch.
"What are we?" It came out softer than a whisper, but Ryeowook, being Yesung's Ryeowook, heard it loud and clear.
"We're… I don't know, hyung."
And with that, Yesung got up and went to hide under the covers, afraid of being in any proximity to Ryeowook. His mind was exploding with thoughts, ghosts, and spirits of the past. He'd turned his Ryeowook into his past self; someone doubting himself; someone who is doubted by others. He wasn't freaking ready for this, and he told Ryeowook.
Of course, Ryeowook was hurt and confused. Did I do something wrong, hyung? Why are you being like this, hyung? Hyung, I'm sorry, I –
And when words failed even Ryeowook, Yesung knew it was time to let go. He didn't want to do this anymore. He couldn't stand this confusing, jumbled tangle of thoughts and prejudice and feelings, and he couldn't look at Ryeowook anymore. He was afraid to see questions, and god forbid, sadness from this man he loved with every fibre of his being.
A year and two months pass, where Yesung goes on, without Ryeowook. But Ryeowook is in every crack in his life; Ryeowook refuses to budge from his heart; and Yesung has forgotten what it is like to miss Ryeowook, because he is missing him every moment.
And it is a year and two months later that, when Sungmin visits him with a heavy heart, he drops everything he holds and crumbles to the ground, because this man was gone. The man who had handed him a Pandora's box of emotions and made him cry, laugh, passionate, and live life was gone.
"Yesung-hyung, I'm sorry. But… Ryeowook had cancer and he recorded some stuff and told me to give it to you."
When Ryeowook's voice fills the room, Yesung feels as if his heart is exploding with pain, because the chirpiness and strength in the voice he loves so much is gone.
"Yesung-hyung… I'm Ryeowook. I'm sorry for anything that I did before that made you angry, but thank you for being such an important part of my life. Please take care of yourself. Goodbye."
And Yesung needed no further confirmation from Sungmin that Ryeowook was indeed gone, because at that moment it seemed as if his heart stopped and everything ceased to be, because Ryeowook said goodbye. And this time, he wasn't coming back.
So it was this pain that has gripped Yesung ever since, like a vice, never letting go. And Yesung can do nothing, because he is sapped of any energy to fight it. He thinks regret has become his life, and he can only tell Sungmin, "If I had known, I'd never have let him go."
But words are just words, and Yesung can only live an empty life, because Ryeowook holds capture over his heart. But every once in a while, when he stares up at the stars, he seems to see Ryeowook's eyes twinkle at him, and the air reverberates with those words Ryeowook said to his heart.
"Saranghaeyo, Yesung-hyung."
And all Yesung hears after that is that familiar deafening silence.